


Ordinary Boy

by carolinecrane



Category: Big Wolf on Campus
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-30
Updated: 2010-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-12 08:09:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 42
Words: 156,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. It's never a good idea to fall for the captain of the football team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"That's right, go on and cry, you little fag," Travis sneered, his thick fingers curling into a fist as Tim held the current object of their contempt still. The twins had ignored pretty much everything the smaller boy said while they used him as their personal punching bag, the truth was they hadn't understood at least half of his pleas for mercy but they weren't about to admit that.

Merton squeezed his eyes shut as the fist in question appeared two feet in front of his nose, praying for a quick death. He'd given up on the 'painless' part of his fervent prayer ten minutes ago when one of the thick-necked and even thicker-skulled brothers put a dent in one of the lockers behind him with the back of his head. He could already feel the swelling and every time one of them took another swing at him his head hit the locker in exactly the same place, no doubt insuring that he'd have brain damage before the twins got bored and moved on to their next victim.

"Let him go, Tim." A new voice joined the nearly constant stream of insults that Merton had tuned out awhile ago, forcing him to open his eyes and focus on the captain of the football team himself. Tommy Dawkins stopped next to Travis, his hand out to still the fist that was still aimed at Merton's face. "Haven't you done enough damage for one day?"

"Jesus, Tommy, don't tell me you actually care what we do to the little freak," Travis practically whined, forcing Merton into a coughing fit to cover the sudden urge to laugh. He felt the cough in every inch of his ribcage, wincing at a new burning in his lungs and a soreness in his abdomen that he hadn't noticed earlier.

Tommy's gaze fell on Merton for a moment, his green eyes shining with something almost like interest. Merton was caught between wanting to twist out of Tim's grip and make a run for it or wishing that one of them would just end his suffering as quickly as possible. It was bad enough to have the crap pounded out of him by the notorious T'n'T on a weekly basis, but to have Tommy Dawkins come to his rescue? Well, at least his humiliation was finally complete, now his parents couldn't say he'd never accomplished anything in high school.

"Besides," Tim piped up, tearing Tommy's attention away from Merton long enough for the smaller boy to catch his breath, "the little fag's been asking for it."

"What'd he do?" Tommy asked, and this time Merton couldn't convince himself that he was imagining the interest in the other boy's voice. In fact the school's star quarterback seemed to be enjoying this little locker room meeting of the minds, never mind that Merton was still dangling from Tim's arm while Travis clenched and unclenched his fist in a threatening manner.

Tim's grip on Merton tightened reflexively as he straightened himself up and met Tommy's gaze. "Come on, Dawkins, look at him. He's a freak. The clothes, the hair, yesterday I swear he was wearing makeup. We're doing him a favor, knocking some sense into him."

"Yeah, well, go find somebody else to knock sense into," Tommy said, his tone telling his teammates that there was no room for argument. "This one's had about as much as he can handle for one day and if you kill him or something Coach'll bench you both."

Merton winced as he once again found himself holding back a hysterical laugh, the corners of his mouth twitching as he watched Tim and Travis actually consider the ramifications of killing him. He knew it wasn't a laughing matter at all, because he was fairly sure that the only thing stopping them from doing just that was the fact that it meant they'd miss playing in the Homecoming game. Slowly Travis uncurled his fist as Tim let go of Merton's arm, but not before he gave the smaller boy one last painful twist for good measure. "We're letting you off easy this time, wuss," Travis growled, hot breath warming Merton's cheek and sending a wave of nausea rolling through his stomach, "but you better stay out of our way if you know what's good for you."

They cracked their knuckles in unison before turning and walking out of the locker room, leaving Merton leaning heavily against the lockers. He could feel Tommy's eyes on him, that critical gaze sizing him up. For the life of him he couldn't imagine why Tommy hadn't left with his teammates, but he was still standing there and he obviously wasn't in any hurry to leave Merton alone. Finally he forced his eyes open again and cast a quick glance at the taller boy, his cheeks flushing when he found Tommy staring back at him.

"Thanks," Merton muttered, the single word coming out more begrudgingly than he'd planned. If Tommy caught his tone he didn't react, though, he just shrugged and took a step forward.

"Don't mention it. Merton, right?"

Merton's eyes flew open even wider and he glanced up sharply, all the pain in his body momentarily forgotten as he wondered why the most popular guy in school knew his name. Granted Pleasantville was a small town and everybody pretty much knew everybody else's business, but Merton's parents had seen fit to burden him with a family name that no teenager ever got right. "Uh…yeah," he stammered, his cheeks blazing an even darker shade of red that he hoped Tommy would chalk up to the adrenaline coursing through him.

"Yeah, I've seen you around." Tommy paused and tilted his head slightly, his eyes locked with Merton's for a long moment before he shook his head and drew himself out of whatever private thought he'd been lost in. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Merton mumbled, glancing down at the floor as humiliation crept over him. The last thing he needed was Tommy Dawkins worrying about whether or not the twins had done any real damage, the only reason he even cared was because he didn't want them missing any games. "I'm not gonna turn in your friends or anything, you don't have to worry about your precious game. It wouldn't do any good anyway, they'd just beat the hell out of me for ratting on them."

"What were you doing in here after school anyway?" Tommy asked, glancing around at the deserted locker room.

Merton sighed wearily and finally pushed himself off the lockers, swaying dangerously for a moment before his head stopped spinning enough to keep his balance. "I left one of my books in my locker after gym," he answered distractedly, a sharp hiss escaping his throat as his fingers gently probed the tender spot on the back of his head. "I thought you guys would still be on the field, just my luck I ran right into Tim's fist the minute I walked in here."

Tommy winced sympathetically, taking another step toward the smaller boy as he watched Merton gingerly running his fingers over the back of his head. Before Merton realized what he was doing Tommy reached out and pulled his hand away, replacing Merton's fingers with his own hand. His touch was surprisingly gentle and Merton found himself almost leaning into it, ignoring the tiny tremors of discomfort Tommy's fingers sent down his spine as he examined the quickly growing lump on the back of his head. "Dude, that's pretty bad. You should put some ice on it, keep the swelling down."

"I said I was fine," Merton snapped, backing away from Tommy's hand a little too quickly. He had no idea what he'd done to deserve this kind of torture, but he wasn't about to humiliate himself even more.

"Sorry," Tommy murmured, frowning as he watched Merton grab a book out of one of the lockers and shove it in his backpack. "Look, I know it's none of my business but if you know they're gonna pound on you for dressing like that why not just try to blend in?"

This time Merton didn't bother to check the urge to laugh, but he regretted it the instant his abdomen objected. He winced and clutched at his stomach, closing his eyes as he waited for the fresh wave of pain to pass. When he opened his eyes again he found Tommy watching him with an almost helpless expression, but he didn't want to think about why the most popular guy in school cared whether or not he was in pain. All he wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed, fall asleep and forget the whole miserable day ever happened.

"You really think it would make any difference?" Merton asked, venturing a glance at Tommy before he lifted his backpack and carefully hoisted it onto the side of his body with the least amount of pain. "They see what they want to see, Tommy. It's not like I'm the only one, they pound on anyone that looks at them wrong. So what if I quit wearing black clothes and spiking my hair, they'd still call me a fag and pound the crap out of me just on principle."

He turned toward the entrance to the locker room, doing his best to ignore the fact that Tommy was right behind him. "Well are you?"

Merton stopped short with his hand on the door, every fresh bruise screaming in protest as he tensed and slowly turned around. "Am I what?" he asked, although he already knew the answer to the question.

Tommy cleared his throat and rocked back on his heels, not quite meeting Merton's gaze. Merton supposed he should be at least somewhat mollified by the fact that the taller boy at least looked embarrassed, but he'd had about as much humiliation as he could stand for one day and coming out to the captain of the football team wasn't high on his list of priorities. "Forget it," Tommy said, his cheeks flushing a flattering shade of pink. "Totally none of my business."

"No," Merton said, anger and embarrassment making him a lot braver than he would be under any other circumstances. "You asked so you must want to know. What happens if I say yes? You gonna finish what your friends started? Because I'm pretty sure I still have a couple places left to bruise," he added, lifting his shirt and craning his neck to try to get a look at his back. There were angry-looking fist-shaped bruises forming over his kidneys, he knew they looked a lot worse than they were but the affect was still interesting.

"Jesus," Tommy murmured, his eyes wide as he took in the discoloration covering at least half of Merton's stomach. The bruises were just beginning to form, but he could tell by the next day the smaller boy would look like he'd been used as somebody's punching bag. Which, for all rights and purposes, he had.

"It's not as bad as it looks," Merton muttered, dropping his shirt back over his torso and turning away from Tommy as he realized what he'd said and who he'd said it to. The day had started off bad and it was just getting worse and worse, the best he could do now was go home and lock himself in his room before he said anything else to humiliate himself. "Thanks for the rescue."

For a second Tommy stood frozen in place as Merton yanked the locker room door open and walked away, but as soon as the door closed behind him Tommy snapped out of it and followed. "Merton, wait up," he called, jogging down the hall toward the quickly retreating figure. "Look, you shouldn't walk home by yourself. The idiot twins are probably waiting outside for another chance to get you alone."

Merton cast a suspicious glance at Tommy, ignoring the way his heart skipped as he took in the other boy's profile. He was cute, okay, and granted Merton had always kind of admired him from afar. That didn't change the fact that Tommy Dawkins was one of the popular kids, though, and it didn't make it any less embarrassing that he'd just asked Merton in so many words if he was gay. That shouldn't matter, but Merton was smart enough to know the difference between the way things should work and the way they did work. "I'll be fine," he said without bothering to look over at Tommy again. "Besides, I have my car."

Tommy sighed but Merton managed somehow to keep his gaze focused on the linoleum until they reached the entrance to the school, pushing the door open with his shoulder and swallowing a sharp cry as the metal door connected with a bruise he hadn't been aware of until that moment. He could feel Tommy's eyes on him but he chose to ignore the unwanted attention, willing the other boy to lose interest in playing superhero and go back to whatever he'd been doing before he decided to ride to Merton's rescue. Tommy seemed intent on escorting him out to the parking lot, though, and as they finally reached his hearse he stopped and dug around in his pockets until he found his keys.

"This is what you drive?"

"Yeah, so?" Merton shot back, finally forcing himself to look up. Tommy's eyebrows were raised as he stared at the car, and Merton could practically see the wheels in his head turning as he tried to come up with something nice to say.

"Well, hey, at least you've got wheels, right?" Tommy finally managed, although Merton could tell that wasn't what he was really thinking. "My parents won't spring for a car, they say I have to get a job if I want one."

Merton ignored the attempt at conversation and unlocked the driver's side door, glancing around the parking lot as he realized for the first time that Tim and Travis were nowhere to be found. "Look, do you want a lift home or something?"

"Nah, it's not far," Tommy answered, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he began backing away from the car. "See you around."

"Yeah, see you," Merton muttered as he watched the other boy turn and walk in the direction of the football field. He swallowed against a sudden tightness in his throat and shook his head, remembering too late what a bad idea that was. When the pain finally subsided he sighed and got into the car, forcing himself to think about his bed and not what was possibly the strangest day he'd ever had.

~

Merton spent the majority of the following day alternating between avoiding Tim and Travis and trying his best to stay awake in class. The twins never touched him, but from the menacing glares and guttural sounds they directed at him whenever their paths crossed he got the distinct impression that things between them were far from settled. Class wasn't even a respite from the constant threat of bodily harm, because he was so tired from tossing and turning all night that he could barely keep his eyes open during the day. His teachers kept asking him if he was feeling alright, and he wasn't sure if he'd convinced any of them that he was. He wasn't even sure, but he wasn't about to admit it to anyone. The truth was he'd spent most of the night lying awake wondering why Tommy Dawkins had bothered to stop the twins from using his face as a punching bag, not that he could have slept anyway with the amount of pain he was in.

The only thing that had gone right that day was that he'd managed not to run into Tommy, not that they traveled in the same circles as a general rule. In fact he rarely saw Tommy around campus, they didn't have any classes together and their schedules seemed to be opposite. So any worry he had that he'd run into the star quarterback was more or less unfounded, but considering his luck this would be the day he saw Tommy after every single class.

He walked into his last class and slid stiffly into a seat in the back of the room, his gaze focused on the desk in front of him as he prayed that his teacher wouldn't call on him for anything. He was way too tired to keep up the pretense that he was fine, and he had no idea whether or not he'd done his homework for the class. The truth was he'd felt a little fuzzy all day, every so often he'd see little spots of color floating in front of him and have to stifle the urge to throw up. After that he'd be dizzy for about fifteen minutes, but he didn't bother to go to the nurse. If he thought she'd send him home he might have considered it, but the last thing he felt like doing was lying on a cot in her office while she eyed him suspiciously and tried to get him to admit he was faking it.

Besides, it was only one more class and then he could go home and catch up on his sleep. There was no reason to obsess about Tommy Dawkins, that much was for sure. He was probably just performing his civic duty for the week or something, maybe he went around keeping Tim and Travis in check as part of his duties as captain of the team. More likely he just didn't want Merton bleeding on the locker room floor. He rolled his eyes and sank a little further into his chair as class started, instantly regretting the movement when the room began to spin. His eyes slid closed and he leaned forward as far as he dared without actually putting his head down and drawing attention to himself, willing the dizziness to subside so he could just make it through AP Chemistry without passing out.

Through most of the class he fought to stay focused, doing his best to ignore the spots of color floating in front of his eyes every time he tried to look at the front of the room. As long as he kept his eyes on the top of his desk it was okay, he wasn't sure he'd be able to stand up at the end of class but at least he wasn't passing out in front of all his classmates. That was the last thing he needed, after yesterday he really didn't want any more attention. Granted none of Tommy's crowd was in his Chemistry class, it was mostly the really smart kids that competed for grades and wouldn't know a touchdown from a grand slam. It wasn't a big school, though, and if he passed out it would get back to Tim and Travis and everyone else and they'd never let him forget what a wuss he was.

After what felt like forever the bell finally rang and he leaned over slowly to reach for his backpack, taking his time while the rest of the class filed out of the room. Finally they were all gone and he stood up slowly, catching himself on the edge of his desk when the room started spinning. "Mr. Dingle," his teacher's voice sounded in his ear, and he swallowed hard and forced his eyes open again.

Slowly he turned toward the front of the room, forcing his expression to go blank as he met his Chemistry teacher's gaze. "Yes, Mr. Clark?"

"I was surprised that you didn't appear to be interested in getting involved in the tutoring program."

Merton frowned, which immediately sent sharp jolts of pain down his neck and into his spine. "Tutoring?" he choked out around the pain.

"Yes, Merton, the program I spent the first twenty minutes of class explaining. It's a volunteer program, of course, but given your interest in teaching I thought certainly you'd be eager to sign up to help your fellow students get through their classes."

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Merton muttered, his breathing shallow as he tried and failed to ignore a sudden flash of black before his vision cleared again. "I…um…I'm interested, I just…" He trailed off as his knees began to give out, the floor rushing up to meet him as the blackness overtook him again. Before he hit the floor he felt someone catch him, and he managed to focus long enough to see Mr. Clark lowering him to the linoleum before he passed out completely.

When he woke up again it was to the sound of his mother's voice, her normally even tone slightly hysterical as she demanded to know why no one had noticed that something was wrong with her son. He wanted to laugh at that, to point out that she hadn't noticed anything was wrong with him the night before. All he managed was a low groan, though, and instantly there were at least four people hovering over him. "Merton? Sweetie, can you hear me?"

"Mom, I'm okay," he mumbled, although he wasn't sure how close to English he actually got. The voices sounded like they were coming from the end of a tunnel, even his own voice sounded far-away and tinny. "What happened?"

"You fainted, sweetie," his mother said, gripping his hand too tightly as someone he hoped was a doctor shone a light in his eyes and poked around at his head. "You're covered in bruises and you have a welt on the back of your head the size of a baseball. You're in the hospital."

He groaned for an entirely different reason as he realized why everything had an echo; he hated hospitals, he hated the way they smelled and the way everything was so _white_ and especially the way everyone's voices bounced off the walls. There was no way he was staying in the hospital, they shouldn't even have brought him here in the first place. He just needed to get some sleep, that's all. When he tried to sit up, though, strong hands caught him and eased him back onto the uncomfortable bed.

"Careful," a strange voice said, "don't want to hurt yourself again. Now you just relax and let us take care of you."

"I'm not staying here," Merton hissed at his mother, ignoring the person he assumed was some type of medical professional. "I have a test tomorrow."

Somebody laughed, which just made him even more determined to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. When he finally managed to focus on his mother's face, though, he knew it was a lost cause. "Merton, honey," she said, patting his hand sympathetically, "I know you don't want to be here but you need to do what the doctor says. You've got a concussion, sweetie. What on earth happened to you?"

"I got in a fight," he admitted, looking down at the sheet covering him so he wouldn't have to see the horror no doubt etched in his mother's features. "It was no big deal."

"No big deal? You passed out! Who did this to you? Did it happen at school?"

He sighed and closed his eyes, hoping that if he pretended to be asleep she'd take a hint and go away. She was going to overreact, he'd known her for seventeen years and she'd never _not_ overreacted in all that time so he knew how this conversation would go. The best he could hope for was that he could postpone it long enough to get his head to stop spinning.

"Mrs. Dingle," the strange and oddly reassuring voice said again, "perhaps it would be best if you let your son get a little rest. I'm sure he'll be better able to tell you what happened after he's gotten some sleep."

Well, maybe doctors weren't completely useless after all, Merton thought as he peered out from under one partly closed eyelid and watched the man usher his mother into the hallway. He knew she'd be back, most likely with his father and possibly his sister in tow, but he'd worry about that later. As much as he hated the fact that he was stuck in the hospital overnight it beat having to go home and listen to a barrage of questions he didn't want to answer. Someone came back into the room but he didn't bother to open his eyes, assuming it was the nurse checking to make sure he hadn't died in the last two minutes. That was another thing that drove him crazy about hospitals, just when you got to sleep they'd come in and wake you up to give you a pill to help you sleep.

He heard another set of footsteps walk into the room and turned his head in the direction of the sound without opening his eyes, straining to hear the hushed commands his doctor was giving to the nurse on duty. "Wake him up every hour or so, other than that he should be fine. Try to keep him as still as possible as well, he's lucky he didn't fracture a rib. Whoever did this to him certainly didn't hold anything back."

For the first time since he woke up Merton realized that his torso was wrapped, and he shifted a little on the mattress and reached down to run a hand over the bandage. Fractured ribs? Sure, it had hurt to bend today and he hadn't been able to get comfortable last night but he hadn't really thought they'd done that much damage. The other times Tim and Travis had pounded on him it hadn't been this bad, though, and he'd never hit his head as hard as he did yesterday.

He sighed and tried his best to get comfortable without actually turning over, willing his mind to go blank so he could sleep. The best he could hope for was that no one at school would hear about what happened, if word got out he was going to have to transfer to private school or maybe leave the state entirely.


	2. Chapter 2

They let him go home the next day with strict instructions not to move around any more than he had to, which pretty much meant his mother had him confined to his room at all times. He had two bruised ribs and a concussion, which his little sister took great delight in assuring him would cause brain damage. He didn't even have the heart to make a smart remark about how she'd already beat him to the brain damage at birth, because the fact that Becky knew what happened meant everyone at school would know by the time his mother let him out of his room again. She was only a freshman while he was a senior, but the girl could spread gossip faster than anyone in the history of Pleasantville High. The fact that she was gossiping about her own family didn't even phase her, in fact Merton had a sneaking suspicion that she enjoyed it more because of that.

The only consolation he had was that the day they let him out of the hospital was a Friday, and he was hoping that by the time Monday rolled around his mother would be sick enough of him to let him go back to school. It wasn't so much that he actually enjoyed school, but his classes were hard and the last thing he needed was to fall behind just because his mother was feeling overprotective. He hadn't actually broken anything, after all, it was just a little bump on the head. His father had managed to stop his mother from badgering him about the specifics of his injuries, but he knew it was only a matter of time before they declared him well enough to talk about it and made him confess the truth.

Visions of his parents suing the school and Tim and Travis made his head spin all over again and he settled back on his pillows, closing his eyes and resigning himself to at least one more day in bed. He must have drifted off because the next thing he heard was his bedroom door opening, and he glanced at the clock to find that it was after 4:00 pm. He turned toward the door again, expecting to find his mother looking to shove some more food down his throat, but when he saw who was standing in the doorway he sat up too fast and had to close his eyes immediately.

"Damn," he muttered as he clutched his head and waited for the flash of pain to subside, making a mental note not to make any more sudden movements for the rest of the night. "What are you doing here?"

Tommy swallowed and inched a little closer to the bed, letting the door close behind him as he eyed Merton almost nervously. "I heard you passed out yesterday," he said. "Then you weren't in school today so I figured I'd stop by and see if you were okay."

"I'm fine, thanks," Merton muttered, his cheeks flushing as he felt another wave of pain and had to squeeze his eyes shut again. "Shouldn't you be at football practice or something?"

"Coach cut it short because of the game tomorrow," Tommy answered, his forehead furrowed as he took a few more steps into the room. "Look, Merton, about what I said the other day, I feel bad. I mean I don't want you thinking I'm a total asshole like T'n'T, that wasn't why I asked."

The throbbing at the base of Merton's skull was forgotten as he looked up curiously, searching the other boy's features for a clue as to why he was there. He was still back on how Tommy knew where he lived in the first place, though, and for the life of him he couldn't imagine why the most popular guy in school felt the need to apologize for assuming the truth about him. "Why did you ask then?"

"I don't know." Tommy shrugged and sat down on the edge of the mattress, careful not to come in contact with any part of Merton's body. His gaze wandered briefly over the smaller boy's torso and Merton remembered for the first time that he wasn't wearing a shirt, angry-looking bruises and the bandage around his ribs the only thing covering his otherwise pale skin. He held his breath while Tommy studied his injuries, then looked away quickly when his unexpected guest looked up again. "I guess it's just the whole look, I mean the frilly shirts, the velvet…Jesus, Merton, look at your room. What guy has candles everywhere?"

Merton bristled at the accusation and glanced around his room, swallowing as he consciously realized for the first time what his room must look like to the untrained eye. What bothered him wasn't so much that Tommy thought he was gay, it bothered him to get the crap beat out of him for it but it wasn't something he'd ever felt particularly ashamed of. The thought that Tommy or anybody else just assumed he was gay because of the clothes he wore was what got to him.

"Just because I chose a certain look doesn't say anything about my sexual preference, you know," he hedged. Part of him wanted to just say the words and watch Tommy's reaction, he had asked after all and Merton was dying to know why he really wanted to know. There was no way Tommy Dawkins was actually gay, but maybe he was curious. So far in his limited conversations with Tommy he hadn't come off as a total moron like some of his friends on the football team, and Merton was starting to wonder if there was more to him than met the eye. It was a dangerous subject to ponder, though, so as soon as the thought surfaced he forced it back down and turned his attention back to what he'd been saying. "I mean, look at Marilyn Manson. He dresses in drag half the time but he's sleeping with Rose McGowan. You can't tell just by looking at somebody what they're like."

"I know," Tommy said quietly, his eyes still locked on Merton's. For a tense moment they just sat on Merton's bed and stared at one another, then Tommy cleared his throat and leaned back a little. "But come on, Marilyn Manson? Do you seriously think that guy's straight?"

"Yeah, I do," Merton answered, laughing at the expression on Tommy's face. "The clothes and makeup are just an act, he's selling an image. Look, the point is that just because I'm interested in Goth and magic doesn't mean I'm a freak or any of the other things your friends call me. I don't wear makeup, I don't sacrifice small animals, I don't worship the devil. I just happen to like black clothes and listening to Shriekback, you know? My being gay doesn't have anything to do with it."

Tommy raised his eyebrows as the meaning behind Merton's last words sank in, shifting uncomfortably on the mattress as he tore his gaze away from surprisingly steady blue eyes to look down at his hands. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry if I made you feel weird or anything. So you gonna be at school on Monday?"

Merton shrugged and stifled a sigh, telling himself that he knew that would be Tommy's reaction. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, he should just be grateful the guy didn't break his jaw for looking at him sideways. They weren't going to be friends, let alone anything else, so it didn't matter anyway. Still, it felt kind of good to get it out there, it was the first time he'd ever said it out loud to another person and it hadn't been as terrifying as he'd expected. "I don't know. Depends on whether or not my mother's ready to let me out of my room."

Tommy laughed and stood up, standing next to the mattress with his hands on his hips and looking down at Merton. "I like your mom, she's pretty cool."

"She'll be thrilled to hear it," Merton muttered, his cheeks flushing as he imagined the things his mother had said to Tommy when she let him in.

"Look, I better take off, my mom'll have a cow if I'm not home in time for dinner. I'm glad T'n'T didn't do any permanent damage. I'll make sure they back off, don't worry about them." He started to reach out and clap Merton's shoulder but before he made contact he thought better of it and pulled his hand back, clearing his throat nervously. "So I'll see you around."

"Yeah, see you," Merton murmured, managing somehow to stay upright until the door closed behind Tommy. When he found himself alone again he let out a low groan and fell back against his pillows, ignoring the painful protests from nearly every inch of his body as he closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands.

He wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but he'd been drifting in and out of a strange dream that he couldn't quite get his mind around when his bedroom door opened again. A cool hand landed on his forehead and he stiffened, whimpering a little as he forced his eyes open and found his mother staring down at him. "Did you have a nice visit with your friend?" she asked, struggling to hide the worry that hit her every time she caught sight of her son's injuries.

"He's not my friend," Merton muttered, his forehead furrowing as the memory of Tommy's visit came flooding back. He still hadn't figured out why the captain of the football team had come to see him, there was no reasonable explanation for why Tommy Dawkins would care one way or the other whether or not he lived or died. Sure, he seemed like an okay guy, but that didn't explain his interest in Merton. He was nobody at Pleasantville High, just another target for bullies in a sea of potential victims. His main priority in life was to keep his head down and try to be noticed as little as possible until graduation, but for some reason Tommy seemed determined to make Merton's welfare his personal responsibility.

Why had he insisted on making sure Tim and Travis wouldn't bother Merton again? Having Tommy as his personal watchdog was just going to make things worse for him at school, because regardless of the guy's reasons for making Merton his pet project he couldn't be there to save Merton's ass every minute of the day. Then there was that weird conversation they'd had about Merton's choice of clothes and the rumors that he was gay…why did Tommy care so much? The guy was as straight as they came, he even had a girlfriend. As far as Merton knew they'd been together since the beginning of the summer when she moved to town, he'd been dating the head cheerleader Stacey when Lori moved to town but from what he'd heard Tommy had dumped Stacey almost the same day he and Lori met.

"Merton? Honey?" He heard the worry in his mother's voice and forced his attention back to her, swallowing a rush of guilt at the look on her face. "You haven't heard a word I just said, are you having another dizzy spell?"

"No, Mom, I was just thinking about something," he assured her, willing the image of Tommy out of his mind. So what if the most popular guy in school turned out to be some kind of weirdo, he'd get bored with Merton soon enough and then he could go back to fading into the woodwork. Chances were now that Tommy had assuaged his own guilt and satisfied his curiosity he'd forget all about Merton anyway, or give him a wide berth now that Merton had admitted the truth. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was just wondering what your visitor wanted if he's not a friend of yours," she answered, her expression guarded as she watched him swallow hard. "He certainly seemed concerned about how you were doing when I answered the door."

"He's just a guy from school," Merton hedged, wondering how the hell he was going to talk his way out of this one. He couldn't explain who Tommy was without telling his mother the whole truth, and he'd promised Tommy he wouldn't rat out his friends. Granted, Tommy didn't seem particularly interested in whether he did or not, but a promise was a promise. "He heard about what happened is all."

She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest, fixing him with a gaze that told him she wasn't buying a word he said. "So he just had to rush right over and see if it was true? Is he the one that did this to you?"

"No!" Merton practically shouted, wincing immediately as he jarred his ribs again. "No," he repeated more quietly when he caught his breath again. "Tommy wouldn't…look, Mom, it was just a stupid fight, okay? Even if I told you who it was it wouldn't do any good, the school can't stop that stuff. It would just make it worse."

His mother frowned and opened her mouth to argue, but one look at her son's pleading expression and her protest died on her lips. "Honey, you were seriously injured. Your father and I can't protect you kids every minute like we'd like to, but this kind of thing can't just be overlooked easily."

"Just trust me to know when to ask for help, okay?" he asked, holding his breath as he played the only guilt card he had.

Finally she sighed and let her shoulders sag, shaking her head sadly before she leaned over to kiss his forehead. "You know you can come to us about anything, right?" she asked, and the slightly desperate edge in her voice tugged at Merton's heart.

"I know, Mom. Thanks," he answered, managing a weak grin as she straightened up and turned toward the door. When he was alone again he pushed himself carefully off the mattress, holding his breath while he waited for the dizziness to subside. Finally he caught his balance and slowly padded across the floor to the bathroom, turning on the shower and carefully unwrapping his bandage before he dropped his boxers to the floor. He stepped into the hot stream and leaned back against the shower wall, closing his eyes and focusing on the feeling of water beating against his skin so he wouldn't have to think about the events of the past two days.

~

By the time Monday morning rolled around Merton was so sick of looking at his bedroom walls that he thought he'd lose his mind. It had taken hours of pleading and every guilt card he had to convince his parents to let him go to school, but anything was better than lying on the couch and watching TV for another day. He couldn't even sit long enough to surf the internet as a distraction, but he didn't mention that to his parents because he knew if he did they'd never let him go back to school. Managing to sit through class was going to be interesting, but he was willing to put up with the pain if it meant getting out of the house for a little while.

They wouldn't let him drive himself, but his father dropped him off on the way into his office at the local University and Merton managed to look at least reasonably healthy until the car pulled away from the curb. Once his dad's Volvo turned the corner and disappeared out of sight he sucked in a deep breath and let his backpack slide off his shoulder, staring at the stairs leading up to the school as he wondered if this had been such a good idea after all. He could barely carry his backpack, and the thought of climbing stairs made his ribs protest loudly. His only consolation was that it was still early and there weren't too many kids around to make actually getting into the building even harder for him.

He was about to attempt to pick up his backpack again when he felt someone pick it up off the sidewalk, groaning inwardly and bracing himself as he turned to face whoever was about to make him regret he'd ever been born, let alone shown up at school. To his surprise he found himself face to face with Tommy, his backpack dangling from Tommy's free hand.

"Hey," Tommy said, his expression serious as he looked Merton up and down, "you looked like you could use some help. What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you still be flat on your back in bed?"

Merton shook his head and cast a nervous glance over Tommy's shoulder as he realized the star quarterback wasn't alone. Standing next to and a little behind him was an amused-looking blonde, her blue eyes shining with a mischievous expression that Merton suspected was her normal look. "I couldn't stand it anymore," he admitted, but he didn't move to take his backpack out of Tommy's grip. He wanted to, the last thing he wanted was to accept more help from Tommy Dawkins, but he knew he really should be home and the thought of arguing with Tommy about carrying his books was too much for him.

"Yeah, I guess I can understand that," Tommy said, grinning as he watched Merton. "Hey, you know Lori, right?" He gestured over his shoulder at his girlfriend, her smirk turning into a genuine smile as Merton glanced at her again.

"Hi," Merton muttered, not bothering to explain to Tommy that he and Lori had never actually spoken before. He had a feeling it didn't really matter to Tommy whether or not Merton knew his girlfriend, and if the star quarterback was still feeling charitable Merton wasn't going to do anything to discourage him. At least not until he managed to get up the steps into the school.

"Hey," Lori said, her amused look returning as she glanced between him and Tommy. "Listen, I gotta go serve that detention before Mrs. Steinman has kittens. I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Yeah, see ya," Tommy called after her, barely glancing in his girlfriend's direction as she took off up the stairs without another word. When she was gone he turned back to Merton, frowning for a moment before he shook his head and glanced toward the entrance to the school. "You think you can make it up all these stairs?"

For a moment Merton just stared at him, his mind racing as he tried to figure out what was going on. From what he'd heard Lori and Tommy were practically inseparable, but she'd just taken off with barely a backward glance. Tommy didn't seem at all bothered by it, as though that was the way things always were between them. Most of the high school couples he knew were so disgustingly into each other that they practically needed to be hosed down in the hallways, but Tommy and Lori acted like they weren't even dating.

"Earth to Merton," Tommy said, an amused grin lighting up his features as Merton started and focused on him. "You totally zoned out there, you sure you don't just want to go home?"

Merton shook himself and told himself not to let his imagination get away from him. Maybe they just didn't want to make Merton uncomfortable or something, considering what he'd told Tommy the day before. The thought that it would be all over school in no time occurred to him suddenly and he paled, caught between wanting to beg Tommy not to say anything and wanting to not care. "No, I'm okay," he managed, ignoring Tommy's concerned expression as he turned toward the entrance to the school again.

"If you say so," Tommy murmured, hoisting Merton's backpack over his shoulder. "You need some help with the stairs or anything?"

Merton shook his head, not trusting his voice as he stole another glance at Tommy. He wanted to ask why Tommy was being so nice to him when they'd never spoken before the other day in the locker room, but he was afraid of the answer. The last thing he wanted to deal with was Tommy's pity, and part of him was afraid that if he drew Tommy's attention to what was happening between them he'd back off. Merton hadn't decided yet if that was a good thing or a bad thing, he wanted to believe that pushing Tommy away was for the best but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

He forced his legs to carry him up the stairs out of sheer force of will, ignoring the protests from his ribs and abdomen every time he took another step. Somehow he managed to keep the pain off his face as he followed Tommy into the school, forcing himself not to wonder why Tommy knew exactly where his locker was. When they reached it he stopped and turned to look at the other boy, not quite meeting Tommy's eyes as he reached for his backpack. "Thanks."

"Least I could do," Tommy answered, shrugging the backpack off his shoulder and handing it to Merton. "I mean after what happened…"

"That wasn't your fault," Merton answered quickly.

"Yeah, I know. It just sucks, you know? That those guys would do that just because…" He trailed off and looked away, taking a deep breath as he watched the first of the students begin to drift toward their lockers. "Listen, I better get going. See you later."

Merton waved weakly as Tommy backed away, struggling to hide his confusion at Tommy's behavior. The best thing he could do was ignore it and try to forget the fact that Tommy seemed to feel guilty about something that had nothing to do with him. It didn't mean anything, Tommy was just a nicer guy than he'd given him credit for. He told himself to stop trying to figure it out and just focus on getting through the day, gingerly placing his books in his locker and getting ready for his first class.

He tried not to focus on Tommy and their strange conversation during the day, but his mind kept wandering back to the fact that the star of the football team had actually admitted to feeling bad about something that wasn't even his fault. He'd assumed that once he finally admitted that he was gay that Tommy would back off, it was one thing to be curious but to keep being nice to Merton after he knew the truth…he didn't expect that, not from one of the popular kids. Then again, Tommy did pretty much set the trend for everyone at Pleasantville High, so maybe he just figured he could do what he wanted and no one would say anything. Even if what he wanted was to befriend one of Pleasantville High's least popular citizens.

"Hey freaker." His sister's voice interrupted his train of thought and Merton stopped sort, turning slowly so he wouldn't cause himself any more pain than he was already in after sitting through a double history class.

"Always a pleasure, Becky," he shot back sarcastically. "What do you want?"

She smiled sarcastically and held up a baggie, dangling it in front of him just far enough away that he couldn't reach it. "Mom said to give you these. Said you forgot your afternoon pills and if you didn't take them you'd be miserable. Personally I think that sounds like it might be fun to watch."

"Ah, the joys of being an only child," Merton muttered as he reached for the baggie only to watch Becky snatch it back.

"Not so fast," she said, smirking when he scowled at her and utter a few choice phrases under his breath. "There's a rumor going around that you were talking to Tommy Dawkins this morning. Is it true?"

For a second Merton was confused, the hallways were empty when they got into the building, but Tommy had lingered at his locker long enough for a few people to start wandering in. One of them must have seen them and thought it was weird enough to pass the information along. "Why would I be talking to Tommy Dawkins?" he said, frowning as he listened to the lie roll easily off his tongue. He wasn't even sure why he was lying about it, but somehow he had the feeling that the more he denied even knowing Tommy well enough to say hello the safer he'd be. "Anyway, what do you care?"

Becky shrugged and handed the baggie over, tossing her hair over her shoulder as she turned to walk away. "I don't care what you do, I just hate to think of your freakishness rubbing off on the cutest guy in school. If he finds out what a loser you are he might think I'm a loser too just for being related to you." She turned and walked away, not bothering to wait to see her brother's reaction. He scowled at her retreating figure and curled the painkillers into his fist, part of him wishing that he'd told her the truth just to watch her squirm. It wouldn't change what his sister thought of him, though, and he had a distinct feeling that any rumor involving him and Tommy would be very bad for his health.


	3. Chapter 3

Merton only saw Tommy a couple more times during the rest of the week, the first time from across the cafeteria. He'd just gotten out of line and he was carrying his tray toward the table where the smart kids usually congregated, and when he looked up he happened to glance over to the jock table to find Tommy looking right at him. He didn't wave or really acknowledge Merton at all, but the fact that Tommy was watching him was unnerving enough that it was all he'd been able to do not to drop his tray. That would have been more humiliation than he could stand, though, so he just trained his eyes on the cafeteria floor and made his way as carefully as possible to his table. When he finally worked up the courage to venture another glance at Tommy he was engaged in an animated conversation with the guys from the team, and Merton couldn't help wondering if he'd just imagined the brief connection between them.

Two days later he still wasn't sure if he'd just imagined Tommy watching him in the cafeteria, but he'd resolved not to think about it. It wasn't doing him any good to obsess about someone that obviously wasn't going to be part of his life, they couldn't be friends and that was all there was to it. They probably didn't even have anything in common, Merton was into computers and spells and Tommy spent half his life on the football field. So even if Tommy wanted to be friends with him it was pointless, because they lived in two completely different worlds.

He was giving himself that lecture for the hundredth time on Friday morning as he got out of his father's car and started up the steps toward the entrance to the school, stopping short when he heard someone calling his name. Slowly he turned to find Tommy and Lori making their way toward him, Lori's features lit up in her usual mischievous grin. "Hey," Tommy said as they reached him, his expression serious. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah, uh, thanks," Merton stammered, forcing his expression to go blank as he glanced from Tommy to Lori and then back again. "Do you guys always get here so early?"

"Nah, Lori's got early detention again. She can't keep her big mouth shut in French class and her teacher's got it in for her," Tommy answered, his shoulders relaxing as he smiled at Merton. "She gives me a lift to school so when she gets detention I pay too."

"Keep complaining, Dawkins," Lori teased, slapping Tommy's arm playfully. "If you don't like it you can walk. Or better yet, take the bus." She laughed and raced up the stairs out of his reach before he could react. "Better get inside, see you guys later."

Merton frowned as he watched her disappear, warning himself not to read into the fact that they didn't act like a couple. It was none of his business anyway, and he'd never really seen them together. He couldn't base an opinion on their entire relationship on the way they acted this early in the morning. Finally he forced himself to turn back to Tommy, starting slightly when he found the other boy studying his profile.

"You look a lot better," Tommy said, his expression thoughtful as he watched Merton flush. "I saw you at lunch the other day and you looked a little shaky, but you look better today. T'n'T haven't been hassling you, have they?"

Merton shook his head, not trusting his voice not to betray him. So he hadn't imagined that moment in the cafeteria after all, although part of him almost wished he had. He couldn't afford to develop a crush on a guy like Tommy Dawkins, it would just make senior year that much more unbearable. He couldn't help wondering why Tommy was keeping an eye on him, though, he'd expected the other boy to have forgotten all about him by now.

"Good," Tommy said, turning toward the direction in which Lori had disappeared and glancing over at Merton as though he was expecting him to follow. "So what are you doing here so early, anyway? Most of the kids with cars get here as late as possible."

"My parents have been weird about letting me drive this week," Merton answered, congratulating himself silently on the fact that his voice didn't crack. "The only way I got them to let me out of the house was if my dad dropped me off and picked me up all week. It's probably not a bad idea anyway, I wouldn't wanna black out and accidentally kill somebody."

Tommy frowned as he stole another glance at Merton. "You black out?"

"Not since this weekend," Merton said, checking the urge to roll his eyes at himself. His penchant for dumb jokes in the middle of conversation was always getting him weird looks, but for the first time it actually bothered him. "But you never know. I mean I feel okay, still a little sore but the bruises are fading."

They stopped walking and he realized they were in front of his locker again. "Parents, go figure," Tommy said, and if Merton didn't know better he would have sworn the other boy sounded nervous. It wasn't possible, though, Tommy probably didn't even get nervous.

"Tell me about it." Merton opened his locker and shoved his books inside, taking a deep breath before he closed it again and looked up at Tommy. "I have to go talk to Mr. Clark about this thing…"

"Oh, yeah, no problem," Tommy said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he began to back away. "See you."

"Yeah, see you," Merton called after him, his eyes glued to the back of Tommy's head until the taller boy rounded the corner and disappeared. When he was finally gone Merton let out a shaky breath, telling himself he'd done the right thing. He didn't really have to talk to his Chemistry teacher about the tutoring program that minute, but the less time he spent around Tommy the safer he was. He just couldn't afford to get distracted by a hopeless crush, not in his senior year. He had college to focus on, and he had to keep his grades up if he wanted to get into the summer research program at Johns Hopkins. Even with his dad's contacts in the Chemistry field he knew he'd never get into the program if he spent his whole senior year mooning over the quarterback and failed all his classes.

"Get a grip, Merton," he hissed under his breath, turning and forcing his legs to carry him to Mr. Clark's classroom. When he reached the room his teacher wasn't there yet, so Merton took a seat in one of the desks closest to the front of the room and tried to convince himself that he wasn't attracted to Tommy Dawkins. So what if his eyes were the perfect shade of green, he didn't find the curls around Tommy's temples charming and he definitely didn't melt every time that crooked grin was directed at him. Sure, the deep, rich voice was nice to listen to but he wasn't into the strong, solid type. He preferred a more intellectual guy, at least he'd always thought he did. There was definitely something about Tommy, not that he'd ever admit it to anyone else, but he wasn't so irresistible that Merton had to throw away the past three years of work to suffer the pangs of an unrequited crush.

"Oh no," he moaned as he realized that it was too late. He had a crush on the most popular guy in school and he hadn't even seen it coming, and now it was too late to do anything about it. If only Tommy had just let Tim and Travis kill him that day in the locker room, that would have been preferable to the misery he was facing now. He put his head down on the desk and rocked it back and forth, wracking his brain for anything about Tommy that he hated enough to make him lose interest. He was on the football team…that was definitely big. It was a huge part of Tommy's life and Merton would never fit into a life like that. The only problem was that Merton didn't really mind that Tommy was into football, in fact he had to admit that he looked really hot in his uniform. It wasn't Tommy's hobby that bothered him, it was the fact that he'd never fit into that world.

It was the stupidest, most hopeless crush in the history of impossible high school crushes, and there was no way he could just get over it. In fact if anyone ever found out about his crush it could very well get him killed or worse, humiliated so much that he'd have to drop out of school and do his senior year over at another school. In another town. In another state, possibly even another country. He should have signed up for foreign exchange, if he had he wouldn't be in this mess. If only Tommy wasn't so damn nice…that was the real problem, Tommy wasn't living up to his end of the bargain. He was supposed to be an asshole like his friends on the team, if he was Merton wouldn't even think twice about the color of his eyes or the way he looked in his jeans.

"I'm so dead," he muttered under his breath, his eyes still closed.

"Merton? Is everything alright?"

The sound of Mr. Clark's voice just made him groan, but he forced his head off the desk and his eyes open. "Oh, sure, everything's fine," he answered, managing a weak grin that he knew wasn't fooling anyone. _Life as I know it is over and the senior class will probably lynch me before winter break, but everything's fine._ He took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter, forcing himself to pull it together. As long as he acted normal no one would notice, he just had to stay away from Tommy. How hard could that be, right? "I'm here about the tutoring program," he said, hoping his teacher would just let the subject of his personal crisis drop. "It's not too late to sign up, is it?"

"Not at all," Mr. Clark answered, although from his wary expression Merton could tell he hadn't forgotten the scene he'd walked in on. "In fact I have the perfect student to pair you up with. Tutoring Chemistry will look great on your transcripts, especially if you're still planning to apply to the summer research program."

"Definitely," Merton said, biting his lip to keep from expressing just how much he was looking forward to getting as far away from Pleasantville as possible.

"Fabulous," Mr. Clark said, rounding the front of his desk and sitting on the edge to peer down at Merton. He pushed a lock of dirty blonde hair out of his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows raising slightly as he watched Merton squirm in his chair. "We'll be using the library for tutoring, the official hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays right after school but if you and your student want to work out an alternate schedule that works better for both of you that's fine."

"Sounds great," Merton said, not quite meeting his teacher's gaze as he stood up and inched toward the door. "Well, I better head for homeroom. I'll see you in class."

"Merton, are you sure you're okay?" Mr. Clark asked, standing up to follow Merton toward the door. "You seemed to be recovering pretty well from your injuries, but if you want to talk about what happened or anything else…"

"I'm okay, really," Merton answered quickly, his cheeks burning at the thought of discussing his current crisis with anyone, much less a teacher.

Mr. Clark nodded and opened the classroom door, his usual easy grin returning as Merton finally ventured a glance at him. "Fair enough. But if you ever want to talk my door's always open."

~

Merton spent most of the weekend avoiding everyone as much as possible, hiding out in his bedroom and thinking of all the ways he could possibly humiliate himself the next time he ventured out of the house. He'd already done a pretty good job of that over the past week, but if word got out about his fixation on Tommy Dawkins he'd never be able to show his face in Pleasantville again. He could just see it, Tommy and Lori laughing at him while the football team pounded him to within an inch of his life just for thinking about their leader that way.

The trouble was that the more he tried _not_ to think about it, the harder it was to chase the image of Tommy out of his mind. They still hadn't exchanged more than a few words, it wasn't as though they could even call themselves acquaintances much less friends. They were classmates, they just happened to attend the same school. Their circle of friends was so different that they might as well be living in different worlds, though, Merton was painfully aware of that fact. It had never bothered him before that he wasn't one of the popular crowd, but for the first time in his life he found himself envious of them only because they got to hang out with Tommy.

It was disgusting and embarrassing and he couldn't even tell his own handful of friends about it because he hadn't even come out to them, and even if he did they'd never forgive him for falling for Tommy. He was a traitor, and that was exactly how they'd all see it. He'd never been quite so disappointed in himself before, not even when he lost the Academic Decathalon back in junior high because he blanked on the name of Charles Dickens' most popular novel. That had been humiliating enough, but this…this was just downright dangerous to his physical and emotional well-being. It would be one thing if he just admired Tommy from afar, but just when he'd finally managed to stop thinking about him with every other breath Tommy would show up again and it would start all over. It didn't even take a few awkward minutes of conversation, all Tommy had to do was look at him across the cafeteria and he was beside himself.

"Pathetic," he murmured for the thousandth time as he pulled into a parking space in front of the school. He'd spent most of Sunday night going back and forth between faking a relapse or just going to school and facing his doom head on, finally settling on the latter just so he wouldn't have to listen to his mother overreact. She still hadn't let the whole fight mystery go, and he was afraid if he pretended he was still in a lot of pain she'd do something crazy like sue the school. He already had enough problems without his mother freaking out any more, so he forced himself to go to school.

He made his way through a crowded hall to his locker, taking his time arranging his books for the day so he wouldn't have to deal with any conversation before homeroom started. Small talk was beyond him lately, it seemed like it was all he could do to focus in class long enough to get his assignments done. If he had to worry about dealing with any more sympathetic looks or questions about passing out in school he was going to seriously lose it, and then they'd really have something to talk about. By the time he heard the first bell ring and looked around the hallway was practically deserted, so he closed his locker and turned toward homeroom.

Before he made it halfway down the hall he felt a hand close around his arm and then he was being yanked backwards, his shoulders colliding with a massive chest. He didn't even have to look to see who it was, and his heart lodged in his throat as he braced for the inevitable. "Well, well, if it isn't the little crybaby," Travis sneered, stepping in front of Merton and cracking his knuckles. "Maybe we should make sure you can't go cry to your mama this time."

Merton swallowed hard, his book and notebook slipping out of his hand and hitting the floor with a dull thud. He looked around but there was no one in sight, and even if another student happened to see them the chances of them being willing to risk turning in T'n'T were slim. He didn't bother to put up a struggle as Tim grasped his arms and drug him into the bathroom, sending up a fervent prayer that he'd lose consciousness quickly so he wouldn't have to feel too much pain during the actual assault. He still had some of those painkillers left from the last time, maybe by the time he woke up again someone would have found him and been kind enough to dope him up.

"Guys, I swear, I didn't tell anyone," Merton said as the twins each took an arm and pinned him to the tile wall inside the bathroom. He opened his mouth in another futile attempt to beg for mercy or at least request that they kill him this time and get it over with, but a fist to his stomach effectively stopped him from speaking at all. He gasped and sucked in a painful breath, his eyes closing reflexively as he waited for the next blow.

"What the hell did you do to Tommy?" Travis snarled, grabbing Merton by the hair and yanking his head up. The smaller boy's eyes snapped open reflexively and he stared at the twins, struggling not to react to breath that smelled of onions and rancid oil as he tried to figure out what the question meant.

"Answer the question, freak," Tim joined in, twisting the arm still in his grip hard enough to leave a mark. "We know you did something to him, was it one of your freak spells or are you just blackmailing him?"

"Wha-what are…" Merton trailed off and sucked in another sharp breath, wincing as one of his slowly healing ribs reminded him that it wasn't quite healed yet. "What are you talking about?" he finally forced out through gritted teeth.

Travis didn't answer right away, he just closed his fist and delivered a solid blow to Merton's left kidney. He didn't quite manage to bite back the cry of pain that tore from his throat, ending up choking on the sound as they held him against the wall. "You know what we mean," Travis said once Merton started breathing again. "Since when does Tommy give a damn about a loser like you? You had to do something to him, otherwise he wouldn't care what we do to you."

Realization slowly dawned on Merton, and suddenly he wished he knew enough about spell-casting to actually have that kind of power over someone. If he did the twins certainly wouldn't be a problem, that much was for sure. He wouldn't use it on Tommy, though, not like that. The thought of making someone have feelings for him made his stomach turn in a completely different way than the pain currently making his head throb. He didn't bother denying it, though, he knew it wouldn't do any good. They were just looking for an excuse, no matter what he said there was no way he was making it to homeroom in one piece.

He tried not to think about the damage the last punch probably inflicted on his internal organs as he braced himself for another blow, but it never came. The next thing he felt was Tim's grip on him slackening, and he looked toward the door at the sound of a throat clearing. Tim let go of him completely just as his knees buckled and he felt himself stumble a little, remaining upright only by sheer force of will. "Merton, are you alright?" Mr. Clark asked, his stern gaze wavering between Merton as he struggled to keep on his feet and the two boys on either side of him.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Merton lied, more or out force of habit than anything else. The truth was that all he really wanted to do was go home and go to bed, but he didn't want to deal with a bunch of questions from his mother. He wasn't sure how he felt about Mr. Clark stopping Tim and Travis from teaching him whatever lesson they thought he needed to learn, on the one hand he wasn't sure he could stand another beating so soon after the last one but the humiliation of having to be rescued again was too much.

"Go to the nurse's office then," Mr. Clark said quietly, turning his attention to Tim and Travis as soon as Merton was safely past them. "You two, with me."

Merton ignored the protests from the twins as he walked ahead of them into the hall, willing himself not to feel the glares they were shooting at him or hear them trying to convince Mr. Clark that they were just talking. He tried not to think about anything as he made his way to the nurse's office and sank into a chair to wait for someone to call his mother. Somehow he managed to not think about anything while he waited, forcing his mind to go blank so he wouldn't have to think about what was going to happen after today.

Twenty minutes later he found himself sitting in the front seat of his mother's car, staring blankly out the windshield as she drove them home in silence. He'd expected her to come in with both guns blazing, talking lawsuits or yelling about how this could have happened again. The entire time he sat in the nurse's office and waited for her to show up he'd been bracing himself for impact, fully expecting his mother to freak out. The fact that she was so quiet was even more unnerving than listening to her yell, at least he'd expected her to start asking questions the minute they got in the car.

In fact she didn't say a word to him until they got into the house and he started toward his bedroom, and then she only stopped him to ask him if he wanted anything to eat. He shook his head weakly and made his way to his bedroom, collapsing gratefully onto his mattress and ignoring the all-too-familiar protests from his aching body as he curled up on his side. He wasn't really tired, but he couldn't handle facing anyone and he knew his mother wasn't going to go back to work until she was sure he wasn't on death's door. Right on cue his bedroom door creaked open, and he didn't bother to look up at her as she let herself in and settled on the edge of his bed.

"Merton, honey?" she began, the concern in her voice making his throat tighten. He swallowed hard to hold back a sudden surge of emotion and squeezed his eyes shut, focusing on the sensation of his mother's hand stroking his hair to keep himself from thinking about what had happened. "Sweetie, your father and I want to help you but we can't if you won't talk to us. Those boys that did this to you…"

"It's not just me," he answered, hoping if he convinced her they were equal-opportunity bullies that she'd let it go. "They push everyone around, they're just mad because they got caught last time. I guess they were finishing what they started."

"Caught? You mean someone saw and the school didn't do anything?"

He shook his head against the pillow and let out a weary sigh, resigning himself to the fact that she wasn't going to let it go. "No, that guy that came over last week, Tommy. He stopped them last time."

"I see," his mother said, but Merton could tell by the sound of her voice that she didn't understand at all why he hadn't just told her the truth in the first place. She had no idea what it was like, there was no way she could. His mother was beautiful and brilliant, with dark hair and exotic good looks. She'd led a charmed childhood and now she was a respected political science professor at the same school where his father taught physics. There was no way she could understand what it was like to be different, to have the kids in your own school call you a freak or give you a wide berth just because they didn't understand you. Finally she pulled her hand away from his hair and patted his shoulder gently, and without even looking he could tell she was struggling not to cry. "We have to do something, you understand that, don't you?"

He nodded, his eyes still squeezed shut so he wouldn't have to see the look in her eyes. The last thing he needed was to see disappointment in his mother's dark eyes, after the confusing week he'd had he couldn't handle any more guilt or confusion. He was disappointed enough in himself for getting himself into a mess he couldn't get out of, a few more bruises from T'n'T were nothing compared to the crush he'd managed to develop. If Tommy found out how he felt he was pretty sure Tim and Travis wouldn't have to worry about him anymore anyway. He couldn't make himself care what his parents decided was the best course of action for dealing with high school bullies, no matter what they did it would just make his life even more complicated.

Finally his mother stood up, leaning over to plant a soft kiss on his forehead before she let herself out of his room and closed the door again. When he was alone he let out another sigh and rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling so he wouldn't have to think about the images dancing behind his eyelids. Memories of Tim and Travis and what they were bound to do to him once they got a hold of him again were all mixed up in Tommy's face, that grin that did things to Merton he didn't even want to think about and the concern in Tommy's eyes that first day in the locker room were confusing him even more. That was the worst part, not knowing why Tommy Dawkins was so interested in what happened to him. He wanted to wish that Tommy would just get bored with him and leave him alone, but a tiny part of him couldn't help hoping that Tommy would hear about what happened and come looking for him again.


	4. Chapter 4

"Merton, wait up."

The sound of the now-familiar voice made Merton flinch, but his footsteps slowed in spite of his better judgement as Tommy caught up with him in the hallway. He stole a quick glance at the taller boy's profile, barely stifling a groan at the sight of Tommy's wind-reddened cheeks and the way he filled out his letterman jacket.

"Coach told us what happened yesterday," Tommy said, lowering his voice as he leaned a little closer to Merton. It was still early and the hallway was practically deserted, but Tommy looked almost nervous that someone might overhear them. Merton swallowed the rush of disappointment that thought conjured up and took a step backwards, shifting his backpack to his other shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Merton answered, biting back the sarcastic comment that instantly formed. He knew he should be grateful that Tommy was so concerned about his welfare, but he still couldn't fathom why he cared. "I mean aside from the usual humiliation of the whole school knowing what happened."

Tommy frowned, glancing down the hall in the direction of the main entrance to the school. He appeared to be lost in thought, but whatever he was thinking he evidently wasn't planning to share because when he turned back to Merton again he just shrugged. "Yeah, well, I wouldn't have heard about it if Tim and Travis weren't suspended."

"They kicked them out of school?" Merton asked, his heart in his throat as his mind began constructing a scenario for the pummeling he'd get when they came back to school. Maybe they wouldn't even bother to wait, maybe they'd just corner him on the street when he was least expecting it. It wasn't like they had anything to do while they were suspended other than plan his death.

He knew his fear was written all over his face but he couldn't manage to rein it in; the thought of what Tim and Travis were going to do to him when they got a hold of him was making his knees buckle. Evidently Tommy caught his expression as well, because suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and he felt a warm rush start underneath Tommy's fingers and spread through his extremities. "Listen, Merton, I'm sorry I made things worse with those two morons. I didn't think they'd take it out on you. You're gonna have to stay out of their way for awhile, but I might be able to get Coach to get them to back off when they get back to school."

Merton was too busy wondering why Tommy was touching him and how long it would be before he realized it and pulled his hand away to actually listen to what he was saying. All he could think was that if Tommy went around touching him whenever he felt like it Merton was never going to make it through the year in one piece. How was he supposed to get over a crush when the object of his affection kept reinforcing all the reasons he'd fallen for him in the first place?

"Merton? You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Merton murmured, his cheeks flushing as he looked up and met Tommy's concerned gaze. He backed reluctantly out of the other boy's grip, barely managing to stifle a sigh at the loss of strong fingers pressing into his shoulder. "I better get going, I have some homework to finish before first period."

"Yeah, okay," Tommy said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he watched Merton back away. "See you later."

"Later," Merton echoed, turning on his heel and praying that Tommy couldn't see how red his face was.

He didn't see Tommy again that day, but that didn't stop him from spending the entire day floating on a cloud of confusion and barely repressed hope. He didn't want to hope that there was more to Tommy than anyone would have guessed, he couldn't start wondering about Tommy's interest in him if he wanted to live through the year. So he'd come out to the guy and hadn't gotten killed for it, so Tommy had touched his shoulder because he felt sorry for him. That was all it was, pity for a guy that Tommy would never understand. He couldn't afford to think it was more than that because if he did he'd ruin everything.

If it hadn't been for the fact that he had Chemistry with Mr. Clark last period he might have forgotten that he was supposed to start tutoring that day, but luckily his teacher reminded him as he followed the rest of his classmates out of the room. The last thing he really felt like doing was sitting in the library explaining Chemistry to some jock just so he wouldn't get kicked off the team, but it would look good on his transcripts and it would help him get a spot in the summer research program at Johns Hopkins. So he shoved his books in his locker and forced himself to turn in the direction of the library, thankful that at least he didn't have to worry about T'n'T waiting around to pound the hell out of him once all the teachers were gone for the day.

He didn't bother looking around at the students that had already gathered at the tables in the center of the room, making his way over to the check-out desk and scanning the tutoring assignments until he found his name. When he looked over in the next column to see who'd been assigned to him all the blood drained from his face and he read it again to make sure he wasn't imagining things. Lori Baxter? _Lori_? Tommy's Lori, as in Tommy Dawkins' girlfriend Lori. He rolled his eyes heavenward and set the clipboard down on the counter again, wondering if it was too late to make a run for it.

"Hey, you're my tutor? Cool, maybe this won't seem so much like having detention after all," a feminine voice said, and he glanced to his right to find Lori standing next to him, the list in her hand. She tossed it back on the counter and grinned at him, glancing around the library at the students already hard at work. "So you're some kind of genius, huh? That's cool."

Merton grinned back weakly and followed her toward an empty table, his body on automatic pilot as he tried to figure out what he'd done to make the universe hate him so much. That was the only explanation he could come up with for his bad karma, all the things that had been happening to him lately had to be some kind of karmic retribution for something he'd done wrong. Maybe in a former life, not that he believed in reincarnation. At this point he was willing to reconsider his views on that subject, though.

As soon as they were seated he dug his Chemistry book out of his backpack and set it on the table, only glancing over at Lori again once he had his notebook out and his pens neatly lined up on the table next to his book. Lori was watching him with a slightly bemused expression, her head propped up on one elbow and her blonde hair falling across her forehead. She hadn't made a move to get a notebook or even her book out, and as he glanced around the table he realized she didn't even have a backpack with her. He stifled a sigh and opened his notebook to a fresh page before turning back to his student.

"So what do you need help with?" he asked, hoping his voice wouldn't crack or anything. Tutoring one of the popular kids was one thing, if it was one of the ones that didn't know him or care who he was it wouldn't be so bad. It just figured he'd get stuck tutoring Lori Baxter, the only way the situation could possibly be worse was if Tommy himself was the one sitting in the chair next to him.

She shrugged and sank a little further into the uncomfortable wooden chair, scowling as she tried and failed to get comfortable. "Beats me, Clark said if I wanted to graduate I better show up here after school. I guess he wasn't too happy with the fire I started the last time we had lab."

Merton laughed at the way her eyes lit up when she mentioned setting her lab station on fire; he'd heard about the incident, the honors students had been so upset about one of the lab stations being nearly destroyed that they'd talked about it for almost a week. He remembered most of his friends talking about dumb jocks and how 'serious' students should really get their own private lab, at the time he'd just rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut about public schools and budget constraints. "That was you?"

"Oh yeah, I guess me and chemicals don't really mix. It wasn't like I did it on purpose. It was pretty cool, though," she added, grinning mischievously as he shook his head at her.

"Alright, I guess we can start with wherever your class is right now then," Merton said, pushing his book closer to her so they could both see it. "What chapter is your class on?"

"Um…" Lori smirked at his sigh and reached for the book, flipping through it until she found something that looked familiar. "Here, we had a quiz on this Friday and I failed big time."

Merton nodded and glanced at the page in front of him, most of his nervousness fading as he warmed up to a subject he knew well. Despite her flippant attitude Lori was actually a good student; he was surprised to find that not only was she smart but she was willing to listen to him explain the concepts from the chapter. He was sure that she didn't really need a tutor, she probably just needed to actually crack a book once in awhile. That didn't seem to be a big priority for her, though, and Merton wasn't about to suggest a lifestyle change to someone he didn't even know.

When their hour was up he closed the book and his notebook, stuffing them both in his backpack before he stood up and looked over at her again. "So I guess I'll see you on Thursday."

"Yeah, thanks Merton. You're a really good teacher. Only can we do this someplace else? These chairs are the worst."

He returned her grin and nodded, thankful that at least he could talk to Lori without tripping over his own tongue. Despite the fact that she was Tommy's girlfriend she was easy to talk to, and as long as Tommy wasn't around while they were working he might even survive being her tutor. "Mr. Clark said it was okay if we met someplace else," he answered, frowning thoughtfully as he tried to come up with a place. "I guess I could ask about using one of the classrooms."

She shook her head and grabbed his arm, pulling him toward the door as she spoke. "I was thinking more like somewhere outside the building entirely," she said. "How about you just come over to my house Thursday after school? My parents won't care and it'll be way more comfortable than doing this here."

"Okay," he said, flushing slightly at the thought of actually going to Lori Baxter's house for any reason. Then again he was still just her tutor, it didn't really matter where they studied. Besides, an hour twice a week until Lori could handle Chemistry on her own wasn't a big deal. "Yeah, that's fine with me."

"Great." She grinned and reached for his hand, taking his pen and writing her address on his palm. "You know where that is, right?"

He glanced down at the address and nodded, his eyes widening slightly as he realized what part of town she lived in. His parents were both professors so they'd always been comfortable, but they weren't what he'd consider well-off by any stretch of the imagination. Lori, however, lived in a neighborhood most of the kids in school referred to as "The Fortress", mainly because of the high brick privacy walls surrounding the community and the guard at the entrance to the neighborhood. He'd never actually been inside but he knew the houses were huge, and that everyone that lived in that area was rich. In fact he just assumed all the kids that came from there went to private school.

"Okay, so I'll see you on Thursday," she said, turning toward the entrance to the school. A second later she turned back and grinned again. "Oh, hey, I almost forgot. When you get to the gate just tell the guard you're there for the Baxters. They'll have to call the house before they let you in but it's no big deal." Then she turned and walked away, leaving Merton standing in the center of the hallway wondering what he'd gotten himself into.

~

By Wednesday night Merton was seriously considering whether or not he could talk his parents into hiring a private tutor for his senior year. Maybe he could just take his finals now and finish school early, or there was always the GED. Either way he was sure he couldn't take much more of going to school and having to see Tommy and Lori in the halls. It wasn't so much seeing Lori that bothered him, it was the way Tommy looked at him when he happened to walk by them and Lori actually said hi to him.

He'd been minding his own business walking to his English class, trying hard not to hear any gossip in the halls. He kept expecting to hear his name in the whispered conversations around him, and he figured the less he heard the less he'd have to worry about it. So it took him off guard when someone tapped his shoulder, and he looked up to find Lori and Tommy walking past him. They were already past him when he looked up but Lori was grinning over her shoulder, her eyes lit up as she said hi.

He opened his mouth and made a sound that could have resembled a greeting, but the second he glanced at Tommy and saw the expression on the other boy's face his mouth snapped shut again and he felt light-headed. This wasn't happening to him, he couldn't lose it every time he happened to see Tommy in the hallway. There was no reason Lori shouldn't say hi to him anyway, they weren't friends but they at least knew each other. The thing was that Tommy didn't really look surprised that Lori was acknowledging him, in fact Merton couldn't quite put his finger on the look on Tommy's face but whatever it was struck him speechless. He heard Lori laugh as they walked away but he couldn't even bring himself to look at her, in fact it was all he could do to make it to the end of the day without crawling out of his own skin.

After dinner he'd gone straight to his bedroom, closed the door and threw himself down on his bed to stare at the ceiling. He didn't have the time to lie in bed and obsess about every look Tommy gave him, he didn't have the time to think about him at all. He had homework he should be doing, midterms were coming up soon and he had papers he could get a head start on. That was the thing with school, there was always something else he could be working on. For a long time he'd let himself get so wrapped up in homework and extra credit that he didn't have to think about whether or not he was happy, whether or not he liked the few friends he had or if it bothered him that he wasn't one of the popular crowd.

He was happy, at least he'd always thought he was happy enough. It wasn't like he spent time pining away for the head cheerleader and wondering what it would be like to be on the football team like the kids in all the high school movies. No, he had to go and develop a crush on the quarterback instead of the head cheerleader, which was even more unrealistic. He groaned and covered his face with his hands, willing yet another memory of Tommy looking at him that morning out of his mind.

A soft knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his misery and he looked up just in time to see his father pull the door open and let himself into the bedroom. He stifled a frustrated sigh and pushed himself into a sitting position, careful not to let any residual discomfort show on his face. "What's up?" he asked as his father closed the door again and crossed the room to sit on his desk chair.

"Just checking in," his father answered, trying for a casual grin that ended up looking more sheepish than anything. "So how are you feeling?"

"Dad, I'm fine," Merton assured him, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Only his parents could come up with twenty-five different ways to ask the same exact question. "Really, everything's fine, school's fine, I feel fine."

Mr. Dingle frowned slightly but recovered as quickly as he could, affecting a nonchalant half-smile as he leaned forward in the chair. He reached up and pushed a lock of dirty blonde hair away from his forehead as he considered the best possible way to approach whatever it was he wanted to talk about, but Merton could tell by the look in his father's pale blue eyes that he wasn't buying the 'everything's fine' speech. He sighed inwardly and resigned himself to the fact that his father was about to give him one of his patented pep talks, either about how to deal with schoolyard bullies in a non-violent manner or possibly about trying to deal with situations like this on his own.

"You know there's a program at the university," he began, evoking a frown from his son when the conversation took a different turn than he'd expected. "It's for high school students that want to get a head start on their college careers. Your mother and I always thought you were getting a solid education in your advanced classes at the high school so we didn't interfere, but if they're not going to look out for your safety maybe we should look into you finishing out the last half of the year elsewhere."

Merton knew he should jump at the chance, just a few minutes ago he'd been thinking about exactly that kind of solution to his problem. The thing was that actually leaving Pleasantville High meant he'd have to leave _everything_ behind, and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that drastic a step. "I don't know, Dad, I mean it's almost November already and I don't have that much time left. Besides, there's the tutoring program, it'll look really good on my transcripts and if I drop out of high school I lose that."

His father nodded slowly, his gaze focused on his son as he considered Merton's argument. He was quiet for so long that Merton was starting to wonder if he could guess the real reason Merton didn't want to leave school without having to hear Merton say it out loud. "Well I can understand not wanting to back out of your commitments, but under the circumstances I'm sure Mr. Clark would understand. Besides, taking college courses before you enroll as a freshman will look just as good as tutoring high school students."

"Maybe for Amherst, but not for the summer research program," Merton said before he could stop himself. It was as though his mouth was working separately from his brain, because even though he knew he should be jumping at the chance to get out of high school he couldn't shut up. "Yeah, when I apply to Amherst for Fall it would look good to already have some college credit. But Johns Hopkins will give me that, and when I apply to the summer program the tutoring will look better than a few college credits."

For a long moment his father seemed to mull that over, then finally he nodded and flashed a proud grin at his son. "That's my boy, always weighing all possible scenarios. If you're sure you want to stick it out in high school for a few more months we won't stand in your way."

"I'm sure," Merton said, his mouth betraying him yet again.

"Alright, son," his father said as he stood up and pushed the chair back in. "Let me know when you get your essay for the Johns Hopkins application done and I'll take a look at it. Not long until the deadline, you need to start thinking about getting it in the mail."

"I know, I'm waiting for one more recommendation letter and then it'll be ready," Merton answered as his father crossed to the door and pulled it open. He managed what he hoped passed for a cheerful grin as his father turned back to him.

"I know, I know, I don't have to remind you about deadlines. Goodnight, son."

Merton smiled sincerely this time as he watched his father pull the door shut. "'Night, Dad," he called after him, waiting until he was alone to collapse against his pillows again. He hadn't really lied to his father, the tutoring program would help him get into the summer research program he wanted. Still, no amount of justifying would make him forget the real reason he couldn't bring himself to leave high school early, no matter how uncomfortable the truth made him. If he'd been honest he would have had to admit that he didn't want to leave school in December because it meant leaving Tommy behind, and even if he only got to admire him from a distance he didn't want to give that up.

Nothing was going to happen between them, he'd told himself that a thousand times in the past two weeks but he still wasn't completely convinced that he was right. Every time he thought that he'd finally gotten himself to believe it Tommy would look at him the way he had that morning, and Merton would start to wonder all over again. It was impossible that the most popular guy in school would be interested in him, even if Tommy was into guys he wouldn't go for someone like Merton. Then again Merton was probably the only gay guy Tommy knew, so maybe his interest in Merton wasn't so much because of him specifically as it was because of what he represented.

He closed his eyes against the headache that was beginning to form behind his temples, his head swimming with a thousand conflicting thoughts. He was confusing himself with all the what-ifs and possible explanations for Tommy Dawkins' weird behavior, and it wasn't worth it. So Tommy was a strange guy, that didn't mean anything. It certainly didn't mean he was interested in Merton, no matter what justification Merton came up with for Tommy's behavior. He was just a nice guy, that was all there was to it. He felt responsible for his teammates' behavior for some reason, most likely the football hero title he'd been given had developed into a full-blown hero complex. It happened all the time, people looked up to him so he figured he had to earn their respect.

That had to be the explanation, because if Tommy really was interested in Merton nothing good could come of it. As soon as he thought it his imagination came up with at least three good things that could result from Tommy being interested in him, but he forced the images away as quickly as he could. Wondering how Tommy would kiss was one thing, but after he'd touched Merton's shoulder on Tuesday he hadn't been able to quite shake the feeling of Tommy's fingers on him. Having that kind of information to work with was very dangerous for his imagination, and he knew if he started to let his mind wander in that direction he'd never get anything done tonight.

Finally he forced himself off his bed and over to his desk, pulling out his chair and opening his History book to stare at the chapter he was supposed to be reading. There had to be a way to get Tommy off his mind, at least long enough to read about the Industrial Revolution. He'd just have to think about icebergs or the time his sister threw up all over the car on the way to Yellowstone or the rings of Saturn. Anything was better than picturing Tommy sweaty from football practice, his lips slightly parted as he whispered Merton's name…he clamped his eyes shut but the image wouldn't go away, and he let out a tortured groan as he opened his eyes again and crossed to the door to switch off the bedroom light. It was still early and he hadn't done any homework, but it wasn't going to happen tonight anyway so he might as well give in. He undressed slowly in the darkness and got back in his bed, closing his eyes as he gave in to the fantasy.


	5. Chapter 5

Merton took a deep breath and double-checked the address Lori gave him before he rang the doorbell of the three-story brick house. He knew he didn't have any reason to be nervous, it was just another tutoring session regardless of where they studied. Lori just wanted to be comfortable, the fact that she'd invited Merton to her house didn't mean anything. They weren't friends and this had nothing to do with Tommy, he just had to keep reminding himself of that.

The door swung open and Lori grabbed his arm and pulled him inside before he had a chance to react, shutting the door behind him and steering him into the house. "Hey," she said once they were through the foyer and headed down a flight of stairs. "Sorry about the gate guard and all, it's a pain having people over but my parents don't care if their lifestyle interferes with my social life." She led him into what he assumed was the family room, although he was pretty sure he could fit most of his house into that room alone. Not that his parents' house was small, he'd never really thought about it before but compared to this house it was nothing.

"It was no problem," he answered distractedly. His gaze wandered over the overstuffed furniture and the big screen TV at one end of the room before finally landing on the coffee table at the center of the room. Lori's Chemistry book was lying open on the center of the table, and from the looks of it she'd actually been working on her homework. He wondered all over again why she was being tutored when she was obviously smart enough to pass on her own, but at least it made his job easier. He could be stuck tutoring some jock who was looking for someone to do their homework for them instead of teach them how to do it themselves, he should count himself lucky that Lori seemed like she was willing to make an effort.

"Have a seat," she said as she collapsed onto the couch in front of the coffee table. "You want anything? Soda or food or whatever, we've probably got it in the kitchen somewhere."

He allowed himself a moment to ponder what the kitchen in Lori's house must look like before he shook his head and sat down next to her. "No thanks," he answered as he pulled his own book out of his backpack. "Are you working on your homework?"

"Yeah, figured I'd get a head start. Less work for you, right? It's not hard or anything, I just don't care anymore. I mean public school's supposed to be easier than private school, and anyway we're seniors. Shouldn't they give us a break our last year?"

Merton grinned at the argument he'd heard from the entire senior class all semester long. Every once in awhile he found himself agreeing with them, but the fact was that if he didn't have a lot of schoolwork to keep him busy he wasn't sure what he'd do with his spare time. The handful of friends he had weren't exactly the kind of guys he hung out with on a regular basis, mainly they were friends because they were in all the same classes. So when it came to vacation or rare free time he usually either got a head start on whatever school work he knew was coming up or spent his time reading up on spell casting.

"Is that why you left private school?"

"No, I got kicked out." Lori laughed as she watched Merton flush and look down at his book. "It's alright, I'm not embarrassed about it or anything. Trust me, I don't miss the school at all. Some of my friends, yeah, but most of them live around here anyway."

Merton glanced automatically in the direction of the mantle, where he'd spotted some pictures of Lori with kids their age that he didn't recognize. In the center of the mantle was a picture from what he assumed was her junior prom, she was wearing a formal and standing next to a tall, thick-looking blonde. Lori followed his gaze and sighed as she spotted the pictures.

"That's my parents' idea of punishment, I guess. They barely even talk to me now that I've disgraced the family, but they still keep all those lame pictures around just to remind me that they used to be proud of me before I got kicked out of school. They especially love the prom picture, I think it's because they know how much I hate it."

"Doesn't it bother Tommy that you have a picture of you and your old boyfriend on the mantle?" As soon as he realized he'd said it out loud Merton blushed all over again, but it was too late to take it back. Lori didn't seem to mind the questions anyway, although he knew he should mind his own business and get back to Chemistry. He never expected to find himself sitting in Lori Baxter's family room while she told him about getting thrown out of private school, though. The whole experience was weird enough that a few questions couldn't hurt.

Lori grinned as she turned back to him, shaking her head in a way that let him know that there was something he was missing. "Tommy doesn't care what pictures my parents leave lying around. Anyway the guy in the picture died so it doesn't really matter anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Merton stammered, his face flushing an even deeper shade of pink. "I didn't mean anything…"

"Merton, relax," Lori said, and he could tell by her expression she was trying not to laugh at him. "I mean I'm not _glad_ he's dead or anything, but we broke up before his accident. And he cheated on me the whole time we were going out so we weren't even friends anymore. All he cared about was how popular he was and whether or not the football team won the championship. That's part of the reason my parents keep that picture up there, he was perfect as far as the school was concerned. I figured if I brought Tommy around that would get them off my back, you know? Pleasantville High's answer to Mr. Popularity and all."

"Didn't work?"

She laughed and stole another glance at the picture, a hint of regret creeping into her eyes for a second before she turned back to Merton again. "Are you kidding? I mean it was stupid to even try, no matter how popular and talented Tommy is he's still a public school kid from the wrong part of town. Not that any of that matters to me, I mean my parents' hang-ups aren't my problem."

Merton shook his head as he tried to imagine his own parents ever disapproving of anybody he brought home. Not that it happened very often, but even when Tommy dropped by unannounced his mother had just been happy that he was making friends. They were always tolerant of Becky's high-strung girlfriends too, he'd always just taken it for granted that parents put up with their kids' friends because they didn't have a choice. He found himself suddenly wondering what exactly Tommy's home life was like that Lori's parents would hold it against him, and he realized for the first time that he didn't even know where Tommy lived.

"Hey, Merton, you okay?"

He glanced up as Lori's voice jolted him out of his reverie, swallowing hard at the look of concern on her usually cheerful features. "Yeah, I'm fine," he answered, reaching for his Chemistry book and flipping it open. "I guess we should get back to studying, though."

"Whatever you say, you're the tutor," Lori answered. She slid a little closer to him on the couch cushions and turned to her own book, reaching for her notebook and pen at the same time. "I think I've got most of this stuff down, but you can check my answers if it'll make you feel better."

He mirrored her grin as he took the notebook from her and began reading over her answers, confirming his suspicions that Lori didn't really need his help to pass Chemistry. He checked all her work anyway and handed her notebook back to her, flipping to the chapter his own class was covering as she returned to her homework. He could feel her eyes on him every once in awhile, but he did his best to ignore it and tried to concentrate on his own homework. It was obvious from the way she kept glancing over at him that she'd picked up on the mood he'd fallen into, but he didn't think he could explain it to her even if he wanted to. The truth was that he didn't really understand it himself, it shouldn't matter to him whether or not her parents approved of Tommy. The thought of anyone disliking Tommy bothered him for reasons he really didn't want to think about, though, and the fact that it was Tommy's girlfriend's parents just made it that much worse.

They'd been studying for about twenty minutes when the doorbell rang again, and Merton practically jumped out of his skin as the sound cut through the silence that had fallen over the room. Lori laughed and stood up, casting a glance over her shoulder as she told him she'd be right back. He nodded and tried to pick up where he'd left off in his chapter, but as soon as he looked back down at his book he realized that he'd been reading the same paragraph over and over for the past twenty minutes. "Hopeless," he muttered to himself as he slammed the book shut and shoved it back into his backpack.

"You're not talking about me, are you? I mean Clark might think I'm hopeless but come on."

The sound of Lori's voice made Merton jump all over again and he smiled sheepishly, only to freeze when he realized that she wasn't alone. Lori was still grinning at him, but Merton was so busy trying to convince himself that he was just hallucinating Tommy standing behind her that he didn't even notice Lori's expression. "No, I didn't mean you, I…uh…"

"Give him a break, Lori," Tommy said as he slung one arm around her shoulders. "Hey, Merton."

"Hey," Merton echoed, his gaze locked on Tommy's arm where it rested on Lori's shoulders.

"Get off, Dawkins," Lori said, grinning at the mock hurt on Tommy's face as she shrugged out of his grip and turned back to Merton. "I totally spaced that Tommy was coming over, sorry. I think I can handle the rest of this stuff without help, though."

Merton swallowed a rush of disappointment as he realized Lori was more or less kicking him out, forcing himself not to look at Tommy again as he reached for his coat. "No problem, as long as you're sure."

"Hey, stay and hang out with us," Tommy said as he watched Merton get ready to leave. "I mean you don't have to leave just because I showed up."

For a moment Merton was torn between actually accepting Tommy's invitation and getting out of there as fast as he could. He couldn't deny that he was disappointed to leave as soon as Tommy showed up, but no matter how much he wanted to stay he knew the only reason Tommy had offered was because he felt sorry for Merton. He was just being nice, he was always nice and getting used to it was a bad idea. "I better get home," he finally answered, not quite meeting Tommy's gaze as he hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder. "I have a lot of homework tonight."

"You sure?" Lori asked as she followed Merton toward the entrance to the family room. "We were just gonna order a pizza and hang out."

"Thanks, but I really have to get going," Merton answered, finally stealing a glance at Tommy over Lori's shoulder. His breath caught in his throat when he looked up and found Tommy staring back at him, but he tore his gaze away as quickly as possible and told himself it didn't mean anything. Tommy was probably just waiting for him to get out so he and Lori could be alone, and that was definitely something Merton didn't need to think about.

Lori shrugged as they reached the top of the stairs and started across the foyer. "Suit yourself. Thanks for coming over, Merton, I'd way rather do this here than at school."

"It's no problem," Merton assured her, pausing long enough to smile at her before he let himself out the front door and started toward his car. He managed not to look back at the house, knowing that it was pointless anyway. He wouldn't be able to see Tommy, and that was the main reason that part of him wanted to stay. The idea of hanging out with the two most popular kids in school was appealing and frightening at the same time, but no matter how much he wanted to stay he wasn't going to take their pity. A soft sigh escaped his throat as he opened the door of the hearse and let himself in, starting the engine and pulling away from the curb before he finally gave in and took one last look in the rearview mirror.

~

Merton didn't see Tommy or Lori in school on Friday, and by Saturday he'd given up trying to convince himself that it didn't bother him. He hated that he spent half his day looking around the halls hoping to catch a glimpse of the captain of the football team, but no matter what he did he couldn't stop himself. By the time Friday afternoon rolled around he was relieved to have two days to spend locked in his room, at least at home if he couldn't get Tommy off his mind he didn't have to worry about making a fool of himself. Besides, he'd been letting his crush interfere with his schoolwork, and he still had an essay to write for his application to Johns Hopkins.

He sighed as he pulled the application out of his desk drawer and looked down at it, willing himself to stop obsessing about Tommy long enough to write something that might actually get him accepted to the summer program. When he'd first heard about the program he'd been determined to get in; getting out of Pleasantville and studying at a prestigious school like Johns Hopkins was what he'd spent his whole high school career working toward. A hopeless crush that had no prayer of going anywhere didn't change that, at least he couldn't let it. It was just a stupid crush, it wasn't the first time and he'd gotten over them before. The important thing was to focus on his future and make sure that he got into the right school, he could worry about his personal life later.

He'd started his essay four times when a knock sounded on his bedroom door, and he looked up just in time to see his father push his door open. "Merton, there's someone here to see you," his father announced as he stepped aside to let Tommy into Merton's room.

"Thanks," Merton breathed, his gaze fixed on Tommy as the taller boy stopped just inside the door and shifted his weight almost nervously. The idea of Tommy Dawkins being nervous about anything was laughable, but Merton couldn't think of any other way to describe how he looked.

"I've got to go into the University for awhile," Merton's father said, drawing both boys' attention to the fact that he was still standing in the doorway. "Nice meeting you, Tommy. I'll be in my office if you boys need anything."

Merton took a deep breath and willed his heart to stop beating so fast, sure that either Tommy or his father would hear it if he didn't calm down. He knew his father was talking to him, but he wasn't really sure what he'd said. He couldn't come up with a single reason why Tommy would show up at his house, at least none that made any sense.

"Thanks, Mr. Dingle," Tommy said when Merton didn't answer him. "Nice to meet you too."

The older man smiled at Tommy before casting one last curious glance at his son, then he closed the door behind him and left the two boys alone. As soon as the door closed Merton stood up, swallowing a sudden rush of fear as he stole another glance at Tommy. "What are you doing here?"

Tommy grinned, chasing some of the nervousness out of his features as he took a few more steps into the room and set his backpack down on Merton's bed. "Sorry, I know you probably have a lot of homework this weekend but Lori's spent like the whole week telling me how brilliant you are and I thought maybe you could take a look at this paper I have to hand in on Monday. I would have asked on Thursday but you left pretty fast."

Heat crept into Merton's cheeks as he remembered the way he ran out of Lori's house, but his embarrassment was tempered by the fact that Tommy was only there because he wanted help with his own homework. It made sense, though, so much so that Merton felt stupid for not realizing right away that that was what Tommy wanted. Merton was tutoring his girlfriend, after all, it was only a matter of time before one or both of them realized that they'd have a lot more free time if they talked Merton into doing their schoolwork for them. "I…uh…I have this thing I have to do today," he stammered, glancing at his computer screen as he realized he was never going to be able to concentrate long enough to get his essay written now.

"It's already written," Tommy said quickly, reaching into his bag and pulling out several typed pages. Merton's eyebrows shot up at the idea that Tommy might actually just want him to look over something, and before he had time to think up a better excuse to get rid of Tommy the other boy was thrusting the pages into his hand. "It won't take long. I mean maybe it completely sucks, I don't know, that's why I want somebody that gets this stuff to look at it. I read the play and all, but I didn't really get what was so important about it."

Merton glanced down at the essay as he listened to Tommy babble, his heart speeding up even more as he realized that Tommy actually was nervous. It didn't make any sense, unless Tommy really was worried about what Merton would think of his essay. Either way Merton was bound to have a heart attack if he didn't calm down soon. "Yeah, okay, I mean I can take a look at it," he finally answered, sinking back into his desk chair as he flipped to the first page and began reading. "I'm not really a Shakespeare expert or anything but I'll read it."

"Thanks," Tommy said, smiling gratefully as he took a seat on the edge of Merton's mattress and watched the other boy read.

Merton took a deep breath and did his best to ignore Tommy's eyes on him as he focused on the other boy's work, wishing suddenly that he knew a little more about _Hamlet_. He wasn't sure how he felt about Tommy and Lori thinking of him as some kind of nerd that spent all his time studying, but if he was honest with himself he'd have to admit that it was his own fault people thought of him that way. School wasn't his whole life, but it took up most of his time because he let it. The fact that most of his classes were easy for him didn't change anything, he still didn't have much of a life and he had no one to blame for that but himself.

"Is it that bad? I knew it sucked," Tommy said, surprising Merton out of his thoughts and reminding him that he wasn't alone.

Merton glanced up to find Tommy frowning at him. "No, sorry, it wasn't…I mean it's fine, it's just kind of predictable. Like you read the Cliffs Notes and pretty much just wrote what the play was about."

"Well yeah," Tommy said, shrugging as he stood up and crossed to Merton's desk. Merton swallowed hard as he watched the other boy kneel down next to him and rest one arm on the back of Merton's chair. "I mean I didn't really get it, so I read the Cliffs Notes to try to figure it out. I suck at English, always have. But if I don't get at least decent grades I won't get a football scholarship and my dad'll kill me."

The idea of Tommy worrying about anything seemed foreign to Merton, he'd always assumed that the team captain led a charmed life where nothing ever went wrong and his parents were as enamored of him as the rest of the town. The thought of Tommy actually having pressure on him to do well and get into college made Merton realize how much more there was to Tommy's life than he'd ever considered. "It's not a bad paper," he insisted, flipping back to the beginning and picking up a pencil. "I mean if you handed it in like this your dad would probably be okay with your grade, but if you want to really impress him you just have to put a little of your own thoughts in. You know, don't just summarize the play, talk about how you felt about it."

"Yeah, but it's Shakespeare. What I think doesn't matter."

"Just because it's a famous play doesn't mean you can't have an opinion about it," Merton said, relaxing slightly as he watched Tommy's forehead furrow in confusion. "I mean they wouldn't make us read it if they didn't expect us to think something, right? All you have to do is expand on a few of your ideas, say what you thought about Ophelia killing herself and whether or not you thought Hamlet was even right to do what he did. Everybody's got an opinion, as long as you back yours up with examples from the play you'll be fine."

Tommy nodded slowly as he watched Merton make notes in the margins of his paper, his shoulder brushing against the smaller boy's as he leaned in to read what Merton was writing. Merton held his breath and summoned all his will power not to look over at Tommy, sure that if his unexpected guest happened to look up at the same time he wouldn't be able to resist kissing him. The image of Tommy's lips hovering just inches from his sent an involuntary shiver down Merton's spine, and he bit his lip and prayed Tommy wouldn't notice what their proximity was doing to him.

"Thanks, Merton," Tommy said when Merton finally pushed his paper back towards him, his voice too close to Merton's ear as he leaned forward and picked up the paper. "Lori was right about you."

"What'd she say?" Merton asked, forgetting to be careful about turning to look at Tommy and practically knocking him over as he spun toward the other boy.

Tommy grinned as he caught himself on the edge of the desk, pushing himself into a standing position and crossing to the bed to put his paper away. "Relax, she didn't tell me anything incriminating. Just that you're really smart. She says you don't talk much anyway, so it's not like she could tell me anything embarrassing."

Merton blushed all over again and looked down at the top of his desk, his gaze falling on the forgotten application to Johns Hopkins. There was no way he was going to be able to concentrate on writing his essay now, and if Tommy kept showing up when he least expected it he wasn't sure he'd ever get anything done again. "Sorry, I didn't…I guess I'm just not used to anybody paying much attention to me, let alone talking about me."

"People notice you," Tommy said quietly. Something about the way he said it made Merton look up again and he swallowed hard as he met the other boy's steady gaze. Then Tommy cleared his throat and looked away again, suddenly fascinated with the posters on Merton's bedroom wall. "I mean you go out of your way to make sure people know who you are, you know? The black clothes, the hair…you're pretty hard to miss."

"That's not why I dress this way," Merton answered, although as soon as the words escaped his mouth he wondered if he was lying to himself. He'd always told himself that he didn't care what anyone thought, that he liked his clothes and his style and it didn't matter if no one understood him. For the first time since he started wearing black clothes and spiking his hair he wondered, though, because for the first time in a long time he did care what someone thought. That fact was enough to terrify him, but the way Tommy was watching him made it even worse.

"I don't have a problem with it." Tommy stood up and straightened his letterman jacket before turning and picking up his backpack. "All I was saying was that you don't blend as much as you think you do. Thanks a lot for the help. I better get out of here and let you get back to your own stuff."

"It was no problem," Merton answered, although he wasn't even sure he was making any sense. Part of his brain was busy trying to come up with excuses to get Tommy to stay, every one of which he dismissed as ridiculous the moment it occurred to him. The rest of his thought processes were tied up in trying to figure out what the look in Tommy's eyes meant, because no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that it was just his imagination he couldn't deny what was right in front of him. "I mean I didn't really do anything."

"Yes you did." Tommy grinned and crossed to the door, glancing over his shoulder once as Merton followed him to the front door. When they reached the door he paused with his hand on the door handle and turned around again. Merton held his breath as Tommy leaned toward him, his lips slightly parted as he searched Merton's eyes. For one terrifying second Merton thought he might actually lean the rest of the way in and kiss him, but before he had a chance to react Tommy straightened up and pulled the door open. "See you on Monday."

"Yeah, see you," Merton murmured, shaking his head as Tommy turned and started down the walkway toward the street. He was almost halfway down the block before Merton realized what he was doing and closed the door, his hands shaking just a little as he turned and made his way back to the safety of his bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

Merton didn't see Tommy on Monday, in fact he didn't see him again until Wednesday during lunch. Even then their eyes only met briefly across the cafeteria before Tommy turned back to his friends, and Merton was beginning to wonder if he'd imagined helping Tommy with his paper on Saturday. Lori never mentioned it during their tutoring sessions, and he certainly wasn't about to bring it up. Maybe he'd dreamed the whole thing, it wouldn't be the first time he'd had a vivid enough dream to wake up wondering if it had actually happened. It was the first time he'd had such a vivid dream about Tommy, though, and the fact that all they'd done was work on his paper didn't make any sense.

By Friday morning he'd almost managed to convince himself that he'd just imagined the whole thing, but when he got to school and turned down the hall toward his locker he stopped short. There was Tommy, leaning against his locker, his head back and his eyes closed. For a second Merton wondered if it was just a coincidence that Tommy had chosen his locker to lean on, but as he began walking again Tommy's eyes opened and his whole face lit up in a grin when he looked over and saw Merton walking toward him.

"Hey," Tommy said as Merton stopped in front of him, his grin growing impossibly wider as he shoved something toward the other boy. Merton tore his gaze away from Tommy's long enough to look down at the paper in Tommy's hand, reaching out instinctively to take it.

A genuine smile lit up his features as he recognized his _Hamlet_ essay and saw Tommy's grade. "Congratulations," he said as he looked back up. "I told you you could do it."

"Thanks to you," Tommy answered, pushing himself off Merton's locker as he took the paper back and shoved it in his backpack. "I never would have gotten an A on my own."

Merton grinned and turned toward his locker, taking a deep breath that he hoped Tommy wouldn't notice as he willed his heart to stop beating so fast. At least he knew now that he hadn't hallucinated Tommy showing up at his house, he'd been distracted enough lately without worrying about losing his mind too. He took his time putting his books in his locker, doing his best not to focus on the fact that Tommy was still standing next to him. "I didn't really do anything," he finally said when he closed his locker and turned around again.

"Sure you did." Tommy shifted his backpack on his shoulder and studied Merton curiously for a long moment, his critical gaze making Merton more than a little uncomfortable. He had no idea what Tommy was thinking, but he knew it couldn't be what he hoped. There was no way Tommy could be interested in him, even if he was curious about guys there was no way he'd go for Merton. And anyway he had a girlfriend, so whatever interest he had in Merton had nothing to do with attraction.

"Yeah, well, it was really no big deal," Merton said, more to fill the uncomfortable silence than anything else.

A soft laugh escaped Tommy's throat, the low, rich sound sending a shiver of desire straight down Merton's spine. He braced himself against the sensation and prayed Tommy wouldn't notice, shifting his weight nervously as he glanced longingly in the direction of his homeroom.

"You don't give yourself enough credit, you know that?" Tommy's smile faded as Merton met his gaze again, his stomach flipping as he wondered why Tommy cared so much. "You helped me out and I'm just trying to say thanks. You help Lori out all the time, Clark's gotten off her case since you started tutoring her. That guy thinks you walk on water, I swear. Lori says all he does is talk about how smart you are and how lucky she is that you're keeping her from failing."

"Lori doesn't need my help," Merton answered, shifting his backpack to his opposite shoulder as he started down the hall. Tommy fell into step beside him automatically, their shoulders brushing as they walked in the direction of Merton's homeroom. The hall was starting to fill with students, but if Tommy noticed he didn't seem concerned about anyone seeing them together.

"Lori thinks she needs your help," Tommy said, glancing over at Merton just in time to watch the smaller boy blush. A small smile turned up the corners of his mouth as he shook his head and turned away again. "She says tutoring means she can't blow off her homework like she usually does. Plus hanging out with you makes Clark a lot more willing to cut her slack."

Merton shook his head but didn't bother to argue, mostly because he was fairly sure that Mr. Clark was a lot more willing to give Lori a break now that she was in tutoring. He wasn't sure it was just because he was her tutor, but he knew Mr. Clark paired him with Lori specifically. Finally he shrugged and glanced over at Tommy again, his gaze lingering on the other boy's profile for a moment before he caught himself and looked away. "Yeah, well…thanks."

Tommy stopped as they reached Merton's homeroom, glancing over the other boy's shoulder at the small group of students already gathered inside before he turned back to Merton again. "You're welcome," he said, his grin returning as he watched Merton flush again. "Listen, are you busy tonight?"

"Wh…tonight?" Merton stammered, fresh heat creeping into his cheeks as he tried in vain to form a coherent sentence. There was no way Tommy was asking him to do something, but he couldn't want more help with his homework. Not on a Friday night. Could he?

"Yeah, you know, Friday night, no school tomorrow, a lot of kids have plans. Lori and I were gonna hang out at her house and watch a movie, if you're not doing anything maybe you could come over. If you're busy just say so."

"No," Merton said carefully, positive that he was going to choke on that single syllable. "I mean I'm not. Busy. I mean yeah, okay." He stopped just short of rolling his eyes as he listened to himself stumble over a simple answer, but he couldn't believe that Tommy Dawkins had just asked him to hang out with him. Not to help them with their homework, just to hang out like a normal teenager. Maybe he was having another hallucination, that certainly made more sense than Tommy actually wanting to hang out with him.

"Great." Tommy smiled as the first bell rang, taking a few steps backwards as the rest of the students in the hall began filing toward homeroom. "So around 7:00, okay?"

All Merton could do was nod as Tommy turned and made his way through the crowd in the hallway, his heart in his throat as he tried to convince himself that he hadn't just imagined their entire conversation. Something didn't add up, he wasn't sure if he was losing his mind or if Tommy really did want to be friends but either way there was something he was missing. He only realized he was still staring in the direction Tommy had disappeared when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked to his right to find two of his friends from the Honors program staring back at him.

"Hey, Merton," Alistair said, his voice laced with just a hint of bitterness. No one else would even notice the slight edge in the blonde's tone, but Merton had known him long enough to recognize when he wasn't happy about something. "Tutoring the football star?"

"What? Oh, no, I'm not tutoring Tommy," Merton answered as he realized what Alistair was asking him. He knew his so-called friends would have a problem with him spending time with anyone from the popular crowd, but all they'd been doing was talking. Alistair didn't know that Tommy had invited Merton to hang out with him and Lori, but if his friends found out there would definitely be a lot of questions to answer.

"I heard you tutored his girlfriend once and then you both dropped out of the program," Margaret piped up, drawing Merton's attention to the red-headed freshman who'd been following Alistair around like a shadow since the beginning of the year.

Merton shook his head distractedly, his mind racing as he wondered why his friends cared who he was tutoring. Usually none of them paid much attention to anything he did, at least not in the past couple years. He'd been keeping more and more to himself as he got older and started to figure out a few things about himself, and their sudden interest in what he was up to was almost as disconcerting as Tommy's inexplicable interest in him. "I'm still tutoring Lori," he said, his whole body tense as he wondered why it was taking so long for the second bell to ring. The last thing he felt like doing was answering a bunch of dumb questions that were none of his friends' business anyway.

Alistair raised a single eyebrow and opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could get the words out the bell rang. Merton let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and turned abruptly, walking as fast as he could toward the back of homeroom and sinking into a desk in the last row. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Margaret leaned toward Alistair and whispered something, then dashed off to her own homeroom. He could feel Alistair's eyes on him as the blonde took his usual seat at the front of the room, but he managed to avoid eye contact. A soft sigh escaped his throat as he fixed his gaze on the top of his desk, willing himself invisible so he wouldn't have to think about why Alistair was staring at him and what everyone in his classes would be talking about by the end of the day.

~

By the time Merton found himself standing on Lori's doorstep he was positive that actually showing up to hang out with her and Tommy was the worst idea he'd ever had. He'd spent the entire day at school avoiding everyone he knew, lingering in the halls before each class so none of his friends could corner him and ask him any more questions about Tommy or Lori. He had no idea why any of them even cared who he was tutoring, they were all probably tutoring members of the popular crowd or at least the stoners that probably didn't have a prayer of passing anyway. He was no different than any of the rest of them, he couldn't help that Lori and Tommy seemed to think he was amusing. They were bound to get tired of him eventually anyway, and then he'd go right back to being invisible. Well, mostly invisible, at least his teachers seemed to think he was worth noticing.

One conversation with Tommy in the hallway and he seemed to be the center of attention among his classmates, though. Well, a handful of conversations that obviously hadn't gone as unnoticed as he'd hoped, although if the rest of the school was talking about his sudden friendship with Tommy Dawkins it didn't seem to bother anyone but him. The whole situation just kept getting weirder, and Merton was about to turn around and go home when Lori's front door opened and he found himself face to face with Tommy.

"Hey," the taller boy greeted him, stepping aside to let Merton brush past him into the foyer. He'd changed out of the jeans and sweater he'd had on that morning, and now he was wearing a dark grey long-sleeved T-shirt that made his eyes look even more green than usual. Merton swallowed hard and told himself to stop thinking about the color of Tommy's eyes and the way he filled out his clothes, looking everywhere except at the other boy as he followed Tommy down the stairs to the family room.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs Merton looked around for any sign of Lori, but she wasn't in the room. "Lori'll be down in a few minutes," Tommy explained as he read Merton's mind. "She really gets into the whole entertaining thing, when I told her you were coming over she went all out with the food so I hope you're hungry."

"Yeah, sure," Merton said, although the thought of food at that point made his stomach turn. He was so nervous that he was positive he'd never be able to hold anything down, but he didn't want to insult Lori after she'd gone out of her way.

"Hey, Merton, are you okay?" Tommy asked, concern marring his features as he rested one strong hand on Merton's shoulder and turned the smaller boy toward him. "You look a little paler than usual."

Merton swallowed a tortured groan as he met Tommy's gaze, willing his knees not to give out. The combination of their proximity and Tommy's hand on his shoulder was threatening to bring him to his knees, however, and he was sure it showed on his face. "I'm fine," he managed to choke out around the tightness in his chest. "Just a little tired, I've had a lot of schoolwork lately so I haven't been sleeping much."

It wasn't a complete lie, he hadn't been sleeping much lately. The fact that it had nothing to do with homework didn't really matter, at least not as far as Tommy was concerned. And it wasn't as though Merton could just come right out and say that the reason he'd been lying awake nights was because of Tommy himself, not if he wanted to live through the night.

"You sure?" Tommy asked, evidently oblivious to the real reason Merton was suddenly having trouble breathing. If he'd just take his hand off Merton's shoulder he could get his heart rate to slow down, he was sure of it. "You want a soda or something?"

"Yeah, thanks," Merton answered, barely managing to stifle a sigh as Tommy pulled his hand away from his shoulder and crossed to the bar at the back of the family room. As soon as Tommy's back was to him he let out a deep breath and rolled his eyes at himself, wishing all over again that he'd just lied and said he was busy tonight. If he'd known he was going to fall apart the second he saw Tommy he would have, but he hadn't known that morning that he was going to spend the whole day at school alternating between wondering what people were saying about him and wondering what Tommy was thinking.

Before he managed to come up with a plausible excuse to leave Tommy was back, thrusting a can of Coke into his hand as he gently pushed Merton in the direction of a large sofa facing the television. "Lori should be down in a minute," Tommy said as he took a seat next to Merton and set two more sodas down on the coffee table.

"She doesn't mind that I'm here, does she?" Merton asked, realizing for the first time that Tommy had invited him over to Lori's house without bothering to ask her first. The thought of being the third wheel didn't appeal to him at all, but until that moment it hadn't even dawned on him that he was going to be just that.

"Are you kidding?" Tommy grinned as though the question was ridiculous, but he didn't offer any more explanation. Instead he reached for the remote and began flipping through the channels, finally stopping when he found ESPN.

Merton frowned as he found himself wondering again what exactly Tommy and Lori's relationship was like. He didn't really want to dwell on it, in fact the less he managed to think about what the two of them did when they were alone together the better he slept at night. The thing was that they didn't really act like a couple, though, at least not any couple Merton had ever seen. Lori called Tommy by his last name more often than not, they were playful but more like siblings than any boyfriend and girlfriend he'd ever heard of. In fact if he didn't know better Merton would think that they weren't even dating. The problem was that he did know better, in fact the whole school considered Tommy and Lori the It Couple. They were bound to be king and queen of the Senior Prom, which made the fact that they were hanging out with Merton Dingle of all people even weirder.

It had to be pity, either that or some elaborate joke at his expense, but if they had an angle they were definitely doing a good job of hiding it. If they wanted to humiliate him for fun they didn't have to work this hard, in fact all Tommy had to do was let Tim and Travis kill him that day in the locker room and he'd have saved himself a lot of trouble. He stole a glance at the other boy, half expecting Tommy to be laughing at him, but Tommy was still staring at the television. Merton rolled his eyes for the second time and told himself to stop imagining that he was the star in some real-life version of _Carrie_.

"Hey, you made it," Lori said from behind them, surprising Merton out of his thoughts. He looked over his shoulder as Lori crossed the room, balancing several bowls full of snack food in her arms. He stood up automatically and reached out to help her, earning him a grateful smile as she followed him to the couch and arranged the food on the coffee table. "Thanks, Merton. At least somebody around here has some manners."

They both looked at Tommy but if he heard her he didn't react, his attention was still focused on the play-by-play of the Packers game. Lori rolled her eyes and grabbed the remote control before Tommy had a chance to react, grinning at Merton as she crossed to the VCR and slid a tape into the machine.

"Hope you like horror movies," Tommy said as Merton sat down next to him again. "My brother says this one's great."

"Like your brother's such a reliable source of information," Lori teased, depositing herself in one of the overstuffed armchairs next to the couch.

"Hey, my brother may be more or less a waste of space, but one thing he knows about is horror movies," Tommy shot back.

Merton was too busy wondering why Lori wasn't sitting next to Tommy to pay much attention to her opinion of his brother. He caught something about the amount of TV Dean watched on a daily basis, but as curious as he was about Tommy's family he was more curious about why he and Tommy were sharing the couch while Lori sat practically across the room from her boyfriend. It had to be because they were worried about making him uncomfortable, that was the only explanation that made any sense. Of course if they weren't actually dating it would make even more sense, but the whole school couldn't be wrong, could they?

Merton stifled a sigh and focused his attention on the television screen as the opening credits began to roll, willing himself not to think about Tommy and Lori's relationship. It was none of his business, for one thing, and even if they weren't involved it didn't change anything. Sharing a couch with Tommy while they watched a movie didn't mean anything, no matter how close to him the other boy was sitting. He shifted as carefully as he could without drawing either of their attention to him, hoping Tommy wouldn't notice that he was trying to put a little space between them. As much as he wanted to enjoy the feeling of Tommy's leg resting against his he knew he wouldn't be able to sit there for two hours without completely losing it.

As soon as he shifted Tommy glanced over at him, flashing that crooked half-grin that Merton was getting far too attached to. He managed a weak smile in return and gave up on trying to readjust his position, praying that he'd just survive the movie without making a complete idiot of himself. As soon as it was over he could make up some excuse and go home, then he could forget this whole night ever happened. It was a mistake to go over to Lori's in the first place, but all he could do now was make sure he didn't put himself in a position to embarrass himself in front of Tommy again.


	7. Chapter 7

"Are you sure this is the movie your brother said was so great?"

"Yeah, I stole it out of his movie collection myself," Tommy answered, glancing over at Lori before turning back to the screen.

Lori shook her head as she watched her guests staring raptly at the image on the TV screen. "Your brother has serious issues," she said. "Please don't tell me you guys are actually enjoying this."

"What? It's funny," Tommy said without looking away from the ridiculously bad special affects on the screen.

"Merton, help me out here," Lori pleaded, turning toward the other boy as he looked away from the movie. "I mean Tommy's got no taste, I already knew that."

"Hey, I'm sitting right here, you know," Tommy shot back, finally tearing his gaze away from the movie long enough to glare at Lori. "Girls never appreciate zombie movies, I can't help it if you don't get it. Merton gets it, don't you?"

Merton laughed nervously as they both turned their attention to him, all the nervousness he'd managed to forget during the beginning of the movie rushing right back as they waited for him to answer. "It is pretty funny," he admitted. "Monster movies are pretty campy by definition."

"I'm surrounded," Lori groaned, rolling her eyes dramatically as the other two teenagers laughed. "I should have known better than to watch anything called _Dead Alive_ , especially if Dean recommended it."

"We can't help it if you can't appreciate quality entertainment," Tommy said, matching her scowl with an amused grin. "At least there's finally somebody else around here that likes good movies. You should see the stuff she picks out to watch. Chick flicks," he added, rolling his eyes as he glanced at Merton.

Merton smiled nervously at Tommy as Lori muttered something under her breath about accounting for taste and turned back to the movie. His stomach had been in knots pretty much since he got to the house, and sitting so close to Tommy wasn't helping. In fact he was fairly sure that if Lori wasn't there he'd never be able to get through the night; he'd been alone with Tommy before but something about tonight felt different, almost date-like. For one thing Lori was sitting about as far away from them as she could get, and although she didn't seem uncomfortable she definitely seemed to be keeping her distance. Then there was the way Tommy's leg brushed his every time he shifted, and the fact that he didn't seem at all bothered by the fact that he and Merton were sitting practically shoulder to shoulder.

He knew it wasn't a dream, because if it was Lori would have disappeared a long time ago and he and Tommy wouldn't actually be watching the movie. Not that he really minded watching the movie, it gave him something to keep his mind off the fact that he could feel Tommy's body heat radiating off him, smell the mixture of cologne and musk that was uniquely Tommy and remember the feeling of Tommy's hand pressing into his shoulder from when he'd touched him earlier. Only sheer terror at the idea of either of them noticing had kept him from getting completely and uncomfortably hard, and even considering how nervous he was he still found himself shifting in the vain hope of keeping his body from reacting every time Tommy touched him.

Part of him almost wished this was a dream, at least that way he'd get to the good part and hopefully he wouldn't wake up too soon. As it was he knew there was no 'good part' in sight, just more confusion and fear as he sat next to Tommy and tried to concentrate on the ridiculously fake blood onscreen and not the scent of the other boy's cologne. He smelled so _good_ , though, and it wasn't fair because he had to know what he was doing to Merton. If he'd come out to any other guy in their class not only would it be all over school by now, but every guy in school would be steering clear of him just on the off chance that Merton decided to hit on them. He rolled his eyes automatically at the thought that he'd just go around hitting on any guy that crossed his path just because he was gay.

"You okay?" Tommy's voice sounded in his ear, hot breath hitting his neck and raising goosebumps on his arms.

Christ, he wouldn't make it through the next half hour, let alone the rest of the night if Tommy did that again. He shifted as carefully as he could to accommodate the tightening in his groin and stole a quick glance at the other boy's concerned expression. A groan rose in his throat and he tore his gaze away from Tommy's, not trusting himself to keep his cool regardless of who else was in the room. Those eyes were going to be his downfall, he was sure of it. It was almost as though Tommy could see right through him, read his mind just by looking at him. Although if that was true Tommy Dawkins was the cruelest, most miserable excuse for a human being ever born, because no one deserved this kind of intentional torture.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he whispered back without looking over at Tommy again. Two seconds later he was wishing he had, because if he'd bothered to glance in Tommy's direction he might have had time to prepare himself for the feeling of Tommy's fingers ghosting across the back of his neck. His whole body tensed when Tommy's hand landed on his back just above his shoulder blades, it couldn't have lasted more than a second but it felt like time ground to a halt as Merton froze and waited for him to pull his hand away. He wasn't even sure what the gesture meant, it was sort of a half-pat, half-squeeze with a brush of fingertips across the fine hairs at the base of his neck. That was the part that made Merton either want to bolt out of the room without a backwards glance or turn and kiss Tommy for all he was worth, but his sense of self-preservation took charge before he had a chance to do either.

Running out of the room would just make them both ask a bunch of questions he didn't want to answer, either that or they'd think he was crazy and never want to talk to him again. Maybe that was for the best, but he couldn't bring himself to give up whatever this weird friendship was that Tommy seemed so determined to forge. Kissing Tommy was even less of an option, for one thing his girlfriend was sitting just a few feet away and for another he couldn't run fast enough to escape having the shit pounded out of him by Tommy if he was brave enough to kiss him. The thought of dying in Lori's family room didn't appeal to him at all, regardless of how nice her house was.

Then Tommy's hand was gone again and Merton glanced at first Lori out of the corner of his eye, then Tommy. Both of them were staring straight ahead, however, Lori's expression a mixture of disgust and barely disguised amusement as Tommy laughed at the antics onscreen. Merton tried to tell himself he'd just imagined it, that Tommy had accidentally brushed the back of his neck the same way he'd accidentally touched his knee or his thigh at least a dozen times since the movie started. That didn't explain the way Tommy had squeezed his shoulder, though, or the way his hand had lingered on Merton's back before he'd pulled it away again. This was too much, he needed to get out of Lori's house and away from Tommy so he could convince himself he wasn't going crazy.

"Oh no, this is too much. I'm going upstairs for a minute, I can't watch this," Lori moaned, pushing herself out of her chair and glancing at the two boys sitting side by side on the couch. She smirked as Tommy grinned up at her, raising one eyebrow as her gaze shifted from her supposed boyfriend to Merton and back again.

"Come on, Lori, death by lawnmower. That's creative genius," Tommy teased, laughing even harder at the look she shot him.

"Whatever, you enjoy. Merton, you want anything while I'm in the kitchen?"

"No…um, no thanks," he stammered, tearing his gaze away from the television screen where he'd been carefully focusing on not looking at either of them. "I'm fine." He barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes as what was evidently his new mantra escaped his lips again. He felt heat rise into his cheeks as Lori flashed him an amused grin and disappeared up the stairs, willing the couch to open up and swallow him whole so he wouldn't have to be alone with Tommy. He hated that he'd been reduced to a babbling idiot whenever he was around the other boy, never in his life had he stammered so much as he had in the past month. Tommy Dawkins was definitely bad for his health, but as much as he wished he could he knew there was no way he was going to be able to say no if Tommy ever asked him to hang out again.

Tommy didn't seem to notice his discomfort, however, in fact for a few minutes after Lori left he didn't even seem to remember that Merton was still in the room. Merton actually began to ponder whether or not he could get up and leave without drawing the other boy's attention when Tommy shifted on the couch, turning a little toward Merton and stretching his arm out across the back of the cushions as he moved an inch or two away from the other boy. "If you totally hate this we can turn it off," he said. "I mean I wouldn't give Lori the satisfaction, she never wants to watch anything good. For somebody as hard-assed as she likes to come off in school she loves all that sappy romantic stuff. The only action movies I can get her to watch are the kickboxing or kung fu ones. But if you hate the movie it's no problem turning it off."

"It's almost over," Merton pointed out, grinning in spite of himself as he turned to glance at the screen and gauged that indeed the credits were just a few minutes away from rolling.

"How do you…wait a second. You've seen this before?"

Merton blushed an even deeper shade of red as Tommy's green eyes got even bigger, the bloodfest onscreen forgotten as he studied Merton's expression. The smaller boy laughed nervously in spite of their proximity and shrugged. "I've probably seen this one three or four times. I love monster movies, I think I've seen practically every one of the classics. This one's not your classic monster movie, of course, but it's a great parody of zombie movies. Peter Jackson has a great flair for the absurd."

"Four times? Jesus, Merton, we could have watched something else," Tommy said, a hint of embarrassment tempering the shock in his features.

"And miss Lori's face when they brought out the lawnmower? No way," Merton answered, relaxing marginally as a broad grin began to tug at the corners of Tommy's mouth. Staring at that mouth was a bad idea, though, because the longer Tommy grinned at him without saying anything the harder it was to remember that he wasn't allowed to just reach out and pull Tommy closer. He didn't have the right to slide his hand around the back of Tommy's neck and pull him forward, he couldn't press their lips together and finally learn what Tommy Dawkins tasted like.

A throat cleared behind them and Merton jumped, flushing all over again as he realized what he'd been thinking. Lori grinned and crossed to the VCR as the credits rolled across the screen, stopping the tape and starting to rewind it before she turned back to the shell-shocked pair on the couch. "Oh darn, I missed the end. How will I ever sleep without knowing what happened?"

Tommy's grin returned as he glanced over at Merton, clapping the smaller boy on the back before he pulled his hand away and leaned forward. "Don't worry about it, Merton here can give you a play by play. He's seen _Dead Alive_ four times."

Lori's sarcastic expression shifted to shock as she turned to stare at their new friend. "Four times? Why didn't you say something?"

Merton shrugged, swallowing against the nervous tension that stubbornly refused to leave his chest. "Why? It's a great movie."

"Finally, somebody with taste," Tommy said, grinning smugly at the look Lori shot him. "Sorry, Lori, you're outnumbered now."

Merton blinked, just barely managing to rein in a shocked look as he glanced from Tommy to Lori. There was no way that meant what it sounded like; Tommy wasn't actually implying that he expected Merton to start hanging out with them, was he? It just seemed so crazy, the idea of him hanging out with Tommy Dawkins and Lori Baxter made no sense. It had to be a violation of at least a dozen rules of the high school social hierarchy, and at the least it was bound to be detrimental to his health. Still, there was the way Tommy touched him, and the way he kept asking if Merton was alright…

"Yeah, well, I should go," he said abruptly, standing up and nearly tripping over his own feet as he moved away from Tommy's warmth.

"Already? It's not even 10:00," Lori said, her forehead furrowing as they both stood up and followed him across the room.

He grinned weakly, hoping he looked more relaxed than he'd felt all night as he backed toward the stairs. "I know, sorry, it's just that my dad wants me to help him out in his lab tomorrow. He teaches Physics at the University, it looks good on my transcripts. He always leaves pretty early so I've gotta get up early tomorrow." As soon as he realized he was babbling he snapped his jaw shut, stopping just short of actually tripping over the bottom step. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Any time," Lori answered, glancing over at Tommy. Merton followed her gaze long enough to register the other boy standing next to her, his hands in his pockets and his expression blank as he watched Merton making his escape. "I'll walk you out."

"You don't have to," Merton said a little too quickly, his cheeks blazing and his heart beating too hard against his ribcage. "I mean I can find my way out."

"Okay," Lori said, shrugging nonchalantly. "See you at school then."

"Yeah, see you," Merton echoed, stealing one last glance at Tommy before he turned and forced himself not to run up the stairs.

~

When Merton finally reached the safety of his own house he let out a frustrated groan and leaned back against the front door, closing his eyes as he waited for his heart to stop racing. He was too young to drop dead of a heart attack, his life hadn't even started yet and he was already working on an early grave. It was stupid, too, because it wasn't like this was the first crush he'd ever had. It wasn't even the first time he'd been close to a guy he was attracted to, he wasn't nearly as clueless as everyone probably thought he was. A handful of experiments didn't even come close to preparing him for the possibility that Tommy Dawkins might be attracted to him, though, in fact every time he thought it the whole concept seemed even more implausible.

Tommy had touched him, though, not the other way around. If he'd been the one initiating actual physical contact he'd know it wasn't even a remote possibility, but Tommy had touched him and Tommy had inched a little closer to him every time he'd tried to move away. Hell, Tommy had even offered to turn off a movie that he was obviously enjoying just because he was afraid Merton wasn't having a good time. And the way he smelled…Merton's eyes snapped open again as his jaw clenched against the jolt of desire that memory shot through him.

"Mom, Freakboy's having a heart attack or something." Becky's voice sounded in his ear and Merton turned in time to see his sister and one of her friends standing in the entrance to the family room, both of them staring at him as though he'd sprouted horns or something.

"I'm not having a heart attack," he growled, as much to himself as to convince Becky.

"Well you look like you are," Becky shot back, a smirk lighting up her features as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Why don't you hurry up and die so I can have your room?"

Merton smiled sarcastically and pushed himself off the door, turning in the direction of the kitchen. "Yeah, I'll get right on that," he muttered as he walked away. As he made his way through the dining room he sent out a quick prayer to the universe that neither of his parents were hanging around in the kitchen. The last thing he wanted to do was have a conversation about his evening, he just wanted to get a glass of water and go to bed to not think about how he'd humiliated himself in front of Tommy yet again.

He pushed open the door between the dining room and the kitchen, all his hopes dying as he focused on not just one, but both of his parents sitting at the kitchen table. "Hi," he mumbled as they looked up at him, turning toward the cabinet where they kept the glasses.

"You're home early," his mother commented, watching her son over the top of her glasses as he filled a glass of water from the water dispenser on the front of the fridge. "Did you have a nice time?"

"Sure," Merton answered, not bothering to look over at his parents as he took a long gulp of cool water. "Kinda tired, though. I'm going to bed."

He saw his parents exchange worried glances out of the corner of his eye and sighed inwardly, wishing they'd just stop trying to be so involved with his life for once. Hell, he'd been to Lori's house four times now and he had yet to lay eyes on either of her parents, it just figured he'd be born into the only family left in the free world where the parents actually paid attention to what their kids were doing.

"Merton, honey," his mother began again, evoking a frustrated sigh from her son as he turned to face his parents, "are you sure everything's okay?"

"I'm fine," he said for the fourth time that night, rolling his eyes at the pitiful repetition his life had become. He couldn't even have an interesting conversation anymore, this was definitely the beginning of the end. "Why does everybody keep asking me that?"

His mother stood up from the table and crossed the kitchen to stop in front of him, frowning thoughtfully as she reached out to feel his forehead. "No fever," she said, more to herself than for his benefit. "His eyes are a little glassy, though, and he looks so drawn."

"I'm just tired," he muttered, jerking out of his mother's reach as she grabbed his chin and tilted his head so she could get a look at his eyes. "I've got a lot going on, senior year is harder than it looks. Plus there's my applications and tutoring. There's nothing wrong with me, Mom, I swear."

"You know if something's bothering you you can come to us," she said as though she hadn't even heard him. "That's why we're here, your father and I love you very much. We just want you to be happy."

Somehow Merton managed not to roll his eyes as he blushed for what felt like the hundredth time that night, ignoring the jolt of sadness that came along with the embarrassment at his mother's speech. He didn't like making his parents worry, he didn't really like drawing this much attention to himself under any circumstances. If everyone would just go back to either ignoring him or keeping it to a few disparaging comments about his clothes his life would be so much easier. "I know, Mom. I'm fine, I swear."

He set his still half-full glass in the sink and turned toward the entrance to the kitchen, mumbling something that sounded vaguely like 'goodnight' before he fled for the sanctity of his bedroom. When he was finally alone he let out a deep breath and slowly pulled off his coat, tossing it in the direction of his desk chair before he took off his shoes and threw himself down on his bed. The whole night had been a complete disaster, starting with humiliating himself in front of Tommy and Lori and ending with his parents thinking he was on drugs or something.

Slowly he forced himself back into a sitting position and made his way toward the bathroom he shared with Becky, carefully locking the door that led to her bedroom before he turned toward the mirror and stared critically at his reflection. "Just great," he muttered as he took in the dark circles under his eyes and the pallor of his skin. They were right, he did look sick. Well at least now he knew why Tommy kept acting like he was about to drop dead any second. There was no way Tommy would be interested in him, especially not looking like an extra from the original _Night of the Living Dead_. He groaned as a fresh wave of humiliation washed over him and began peeling his clothes off, inspecting the area just above his abdomen where his bruised ribs were still healing.

When he was satisfied that they looked a little better he eased the zipper of his jeans down and stepped out of them and his boxers, dropping them in a heap on the floor before he turned the shower on. He stepped into the warm spray and closed his eyes as he let the water soak his hair and skin, willing away the memory of Tommy's fingers on his neck. Try as he might he couldn't forget the way it felt when Tommy's fingers brushed his bare skin, though, and he felt an all-too-familiar heat building up in his groin at the memory.

He sighed and gave up trying to fight it, leaning back against the shower tiles as he slowly began to stroke himself. An image of Tommy immediately flooded his senses, complete with the memory of his scent, the feeling of his warm breath on Merton's neck and the sound of his low, rich voice. Merton squeezed his eyes more tightly shut and replaced the image of Tommy with Luke Perry, but Luke looked too much like Tommy and the two images kept morphing into a weird combination of both faces. He gave up on Luke Perry and searched his catalog of celebrity crushes for someone that didn't resemble Tommy at all, finally settling on Spike. James Marsters was everything Tommy wasn't, but as soon as Merton pictured him he began to morph into a face that Merton had no desire of associating with his current activity.

"Fuck," he groaned as he tightened his grip and gave up trying to avoid fantasizing about Tommy. He gave himself over to the image of Tommy pressed up against him in the shower, water dripping down the sides of his face as his hand replaced Merton's to stroke him. His orgasm took him by surprise, and he barely managed to stifle a cry that would have alerted everyone in the house to what he was doing. He collapsed against the shower wall, panting as he slowly came back to himself. When he finally regained control of his motor functions he opened his eyes and sighed, reaching for the soap to clean up what the water hadn't already taken care of. That was as close as he was ever going to get to Tommy, so maybe there wasn't really any harm in fantasizing about him. As long as nobody knew it couldn't hurt.


	8. Chapter 8

Another loud yawn escaped Merton's throat as he leaned over the experiment his father's grad students were conducting, trying and failing to focus on the lab notes his father had given him when they got to the lab. He blinked and then blinked again when his vision didn't clear, finally letting out a frustrated sigh and pushing himself off the stool he'd been perched on. He made his way on automatic pilot to the soda machine at the end of the hall, his mind wandering to the reason he was so tired and completely incapable of concentrating.

After his shower the night before he'd tried to go to bed and forget about the confusing evening with Lori and Tommy, he'd done everything he could think of to put the memory of Tommy touching him out of his mind. He knew how stupid it was to create an entire fantasy around one casual touch that Tommy probably didn't even realize he was doing at the time. There was no way they were going to be anything besides friends, and after the way he took off the night before he wasn't even sure about that. It was entirely possible that Tommy and Lori would never ask him to hang out with them again after the way he'd acted, and he couldn't blame them.

He blushed and shook his head to chase the memory out of his mind, pushing a button on the soda machine and reaching down to pick up the cold can. Once he'd popped the top he leaned back against the machine and took a long sip of liquid caffeine, letting his eyes fall closed as he wished that he'd just stayed home instead of going into the lab with his father. He'd never really thought about what a pathetic way it was for a teenager to spend his Saturday, but in the past few weeks he'd been thinking a lot of things that he'd never thought about before.

No doubt Tommy and Lori had something a lot more fun planned for their weekend, most likely together. He'd spent most of the previous night lying awake torturing himself by trying to picture the two of them together in various compromising positions, but no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that they really were a couple he couldn't do it. It just didn't add up, not with the way they acted when they were around him anyway. A frustrated groan escaped his throat as he made his way back to the lab and looked at the experiment he was supposed to be working on, willing the thoughts out of his mind before he lost it completely.

It wasn't like he could just come right out and ask Tommy what the deal was with him and Lori, in fact if he was going to ask either of them it would be safer to ask Lori. When it came right down to it she was the one he knew best, he spent more time with her and as long as Tommy wasn't around he managed to stay calm enough to hold a conversation. He could just imagine how that would go over, though; for one thing he didn't know whether or not Tommy had told Lori that Merton was gay, and even if she didn't know she'd still tell Tommy that Merton had asked. Even on the off chance that she didn't she'd wonder why he wanted to know, or she'd just think he was as stupid as he felt for not being able to figure it out on his own.

This was getting way out of hand. Personal pride aside, he was smart enough to do college-level Physics work for extra credit, he ought to be able to figure out what was going on with a couple teenagers. Better yet, he shouldn't even care, because regardless of whether Tommy and Lori were the supercouple everyone took them for he didn't stand a chance. Tommy could come out tomorrow and Merton still wouldn't stand a chance, no matter how nice Tommy was to him. He just had to stop mistaking pity for affection.

"Everything going okay?" His father's voice interrupted his thoughts as the older man stopped next to Merton and peered over his shoulder. Merton winced as he watched his father frown thoughtfully at his lack of progress, bracing himself for the inevitable questions. He expected his father to launch into an interrogation as to what was bothering Merton, whether he was feeling alright and if he thought he should go back to the doctor for an MRI or maybe some more blood tests. Instead his father just raised one eyebrow and turned to look at his son, smiling gently when he met Merton's anxious expression. "Need some help getting started?"

It just figured that his father would skip straight over 'worried and protective' and go right for 'understanding' just when Merton was least expecting it. Granted, overreacting was more his mother's forte, but he hadn't expected his dad to just pretend everything was fine after last night. He managed a sheepish smile before he tore his gaze away from the older man's, picking up the lab notes he'd tried and failed to read a dozen times in the past half hour. "Guess I just got a little distracted. I was thinking about something else."

"I see," Mr. Dingle said, sinking onto the stool at the next lab station and eyeing his son. "Anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Not really." Merton shrugged and dropped the lab notes onto his station with a soft sigh, his shoulders falling a little as he gave up on getting anything productive done. "Guess you could say it's another experiment."

"For school?"

"Not exactly," Merton said, catching his lower lip between his teeth as he realized what he'd admitted. He had no intention of discussing Tommy with his father or anyone else, but not being able to talk to anyone about it was practically killing him. The more time he spent around Tommy the more confused he got, and if he didn't get at least some of it off his chest soon he was going to explode. "More like a social experiment."

His father nodded slowly but didn't stand up, and Merton swallowed another sigh as he realized he wasn't getting out of it that easily. That was the trouble with growing up in a house with a scientist and a political science teacher, when his mother wasn't cross-examining him his father was busy collecting data to build possible theories as to what was bothering him. "Does this have anything to do with your new friend…what was his name? Tommy?"

Merton felt the color drain out of his cheeks, but he managed to keep his jaw from dropping as Tommy's name rolled off his father's lips. "No…why would you…? No. Tommy's not even a friend." Even though he knew it was more or less true, saying those words made his throat tighten a little and he swallowed hard against the surge of disappointment and frustration welling up in his chest.

"Really? He certainly seemed like one to me. When I met him he seemed anxious to speak with you, and your mother tells me he was very concerned about your health after you got out of the hospital."

Heat crept up Merton's neck and into his cheeks as he glanced up and found his father watching him with a slightly bemused expression. Did he know? It was possible, it wasn't like he ever brought girls home or talked about girls at all. He'd never pretended to be something he wasn't, at least not intentionally. So it was possible his parents had guessed, but them thinking they knew something was still a lot different than Merton actually admitting it out loud. For a split second he considered just telling his father the truth, but he knew if he did it would only be a matter of time before his sister found out. Once Becky had concrete evidence of that kind of information it would only be a matter of time before it was all over school, and then he could kiss even his acquaintanceship with Tommy goodbye.

"He just wanted help with a paper," Merton muttered, his cheeks blazing as he tore his gaze away from the older man's. He hated letting his father think that the only reason Tommy had come over was for help on his English homework, but it was the truth. No matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise he knew the truth, in fact that was the only reason Tommy had invited him to Lori's to watch movies. They felt sorry for him and they were being nice because he'd helped them both out with their schoolwork, that was it.

"Too bad, he seems like a nice young man," Mr. Dingle said, finally pushing himself off the stool and taking a few steps toward the lab door. "I'll let you get back to your experiment. I'll be in my office working on a grant when you're ready to go."

Merton managed a weak smile as his father turned and walked out of the lab, once again leaving him alone with his thoughts. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, willing his mind to go blank so he wouldn't have to think about the possibility of his parents knowing what was really bothering him. No one could know how he felt about Tommy, because if that happened it was going to be even harder for him to get over it. He didn't think he could stand his parents trying to be understanding, not about this. He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't even want to think about it because the more he did the closer he came to admitting to himself exactly how strong his crush had gotten. "It's just a crush," he hissed into the silence of the room, clenching his jaw as he reached for the lab notes again and forced himself to focus on the experiment and not how he felt about Tommy Dawkins.

~

After two days of _not_ thinking about Tommy he was so tired that school seemed like a welcome break. At least there he didn't have to be alone with his thoughts, he had classes to distract him and there were plenty of people around to remind him that he was still just Merton Dingle, Social Outcast. That only lasted until a few minutes before third period, though, because just as he turned the corner toward his History class he looked up to find himself face to face with both Tommy and Lori.

"Hey, Merton," Lori said as soon as she spotted him, grinning brightly as she walked past him. He opened his mouth and made a sound that he hoped resembled something English, his gaze fixed on Tommy as the taller boy glanced over at him.

"Hey," Tommy echoed, holding Merton's gaze for a split second longer than he needed to before he followed Lori past the other boy. As soon as they were past him Merton realized that he was standing in the center of the hall with his mouth open, and he blushed from the top of his head all the way through his extremities. He couldn't even run into someone in the hall without making a total idiot of himself, he might as well just give up and quit school right now. There was no way he was making it to graduation with his pride intact, that pretty much went out the window the first time Tommy spoke to him. He'd been hoping to at least keep his crush to himself, though, and at this point he was positive he'd already blown that. The only thing left to do was tell his parents that he'd changed his mind and he really did want to finish the year at the University. Either that or leave the country and change his name, which was starting to sound more and more appealing.

One look from Tommy and all the time he'd spent working the other boy out of his system went right out the window. All it took was a hint of confusion and reproach in Tommy's eyes and Merton found himself wondering all over again if he was losing his mind, if it was possible that Tommy thought of him as something other than the pathetic kid that he had to protect from T'n'T. For some reason he couldn't even fathom the most popular guy in school cared whether or not he lived through the school year, and Merton couldn't even manage to choke out a 'hello' when he saw Tommy in the hallway. He rolled his eyes and forced himself to begin walking again, hoping that no one had witnessed the exchange or his latest humiliation.

All he had to say was 'hi', it was just one syllable. He was a straight A student, he was on the honor roll every semester, and he already had college credits from working in his father's lab. There was no reason he couldn't manage to say hello to a couple kids in his class, no matter who they were. He wasn't _that_ out of practice at socializing with kids his own age, was he? Granted it had been awhile since he'd really been interested in hanging out with anyone he went to school with but he still remembered how it worked. Now Tommy and Lori were going to think he was the freak everyone else thought he was, Lori would probably demand a new tutor and Tommy…well, there was no way Tommy was ever going to speak to him again.

A heavy sigh escaped his throat as he threw himself down in a seat near the back of his History classroom and laid his head on the desk, ignoring his teacher and the other students as he tried to convince himself that he was just having a nightmare and he'd wake up any second. The trouble was that a few hours later he was still having the same nightmare, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't wake up. Once he got to last period Chemistry he gave up hoping that it was all an elaborate hallucination and accepted the fact that Tommy just wasn't going to talk to him ever again. He'd had his chance Friday night, and he'd just proved to Tommy and Lori that everyone at school was right about him. They'd given him a chance to prove he wasn't a total spazz and he'd failed miserably, that was all there was to it.

"Merton? Are you alright?"

Merton looked up at the sound of Mr. Clark's voice, noticing for the first time that the classroom was empty. He rolled his eyes as he realized that he hadn't even heard the bell ring, pushing himself out of his seat and reaching for his backpack. "Yeah, I'm okay," he answered, too tired and disgusted with himself to remember that he was supposed to be polite to teachers. "Guess my mind just wandered."

Mr. Clark flashed him a bemused smile as he reached for his briefcase and began rifling through a stack of folders inside. "Well I suppose your grades are strong enough that you can afford one off day," he said, not bothering to glance up at the younger man as he searched his papers. "I have something for you…here it is."

Merton frowned as he walked toward the desk at the front of the lab stations and reached for the envelope Mr. Clark held out to him. He glanced down at it, realization dawning on him as he recognized the address on the front. "My recommendation?"

"If anyone deserves it it's you," Mr. Clark said, his smile growing wider as Merton met his gaze and grinned. "You've worked hard for it."

"I just hope I get in," he said, carefully tucking the envelope into his backpack. "Thanks, Mr. Clark."

"You'll get in," Mr. Clark assured him, standing up to walk Merton toward the door. "With your grades and your experience you're a shoo-in."

Merton paused to smile his thanks at his teacher before he stepped out into the hallway, feeling a little more like himself for the first time since he ran into Tommy. The letter of recommendation was the last piece he needed to complete his application to the summer program at Johns Hopkins, and that was his key to getting out of Pleasantville. Leaving the small town behind had been his main goal since he was a freshman, and now that that day was finally within reach he wasn't sure if he should be excited or terrified.

He turned the corner toward his locker to get his homework and coat, ignoring the few remaining students still loitering in the halls. His mind was on his future, and for the first time all day he wasn't thinking about Tommy. So it was a complete shock when he stopped in front of his locker only to find Tommy standing there, leaning against the wall as he watched Merton approach. For a second he wondered if he was caught in some sort of weird time warp, then the memory of standing in the middle of the hallway with his mouth hanging open as Tommy stared at him came rushing back. He blushed the color of Tommy's letterman jacket and cleared his throat, shifting his weight nervously as Tommy pushed himself off the lockers and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Hey," he said, and for a split second Merton almost thought that Tommy looked as nervous as he felt.

"Hey," Merton echoed, biting the insides of his cheeks to keep from breaking into a hysterical bout of laughter or worse, throwing up on Tommy's sneakers. "Aren't you supposed to be at football practice?"

Tommy smiled at that, some of the nervous tension fading out of his eyes as he nodded and glanced over Merton's head in the direction of the gym. "Yeah, in a few minutes. But I wanted to catch you before you left."

"Okay," Merton said slowly, turning his back to Tommy long enough to open his locker and set his books inside. When he was done he turned back to face the other boy, crossing his arms over his chest as he prayed he didn't look as nervous as he felt. "What's up?"

"Did Lori and I do something wrong on Friday night?" Tommy asked, shifting a little closer to the smaller boy and dropping his voice so no one would overhear him. "I mean you ran out of there pretty fast, it seemed like there was something bothering you. I thought everything was cool until you took off, so I figured maybe one of us said something."

It was all Merton could do not to laugh at the absurdity of the question, he knew it would just be a nervous reaction but he wasn't sure how else to react. The thought of Tommy Dawkins worrying about Merton's feelings was unfathomable, as though it was his fault that Merton was a complete idiot. "No, I mean everything was fine. I told you, I had to get up early on Saturday."

"Yeah, but you seemed kinda…I don't know, jumpy. I'm sorry about the movie, I didn't know you'd already seen it."

Any urge to laugh faded as Merton looked into Tommy's eyes and saw how serious the other boy was; the thought of Tommy agonizing all weekend about what he'd done to offend Merton was almost sweet. Dangerous, but sweet nonetheless. He knew his subconscious was going to have a field day trying to convince him to read more into Tommy's concern than what was really there, but it was almost worth it just to watch Tommy chew on his lower lip while he waited for an answer. "The movie was fine," he finally said. He paused, looking away from Tommy as he tried to decide what exactly to tell him. He couldn't just blurt out the truth, but he had to offer him some kind of explanation. Otherwise Tommy was just going to start thinking he was insane, and that was worse than Tommy not knowing who he was at all. "It's just…I don't get it. Why are you and Lori being so nice to me?"

Tommy frowned, confusion marring his features as Merton's words sank in. "What do you mean? We're not acting any different than we ever do."

"Come on, Tommy, you're the captain of the football team and Lori's been the most popular girl in school since her first day here. You guys shouldn't even know who I am, let alone invite me over to watch movies."

Slowly a grin began to spread over Tommy's features, his eyes lighting up with amusement as he listened to Merton's idea of logic. "You seriously think that?"

"Well, yeah," Merton muttered, shifting uncomfortably under Tommy's amused gaze. He hadn't really planned to blurt that out, but it wasn't like he was telling Tommy anything he didn't already know. Merton was nobody at Pleasantville High, he was well aware of that. Maybe Tommy and Lori could afford the luxury of ignoring that fact, but he wasn't so lucky. Knowing his place was a large part of his survival plan for high school, and he wasn't about to forget it in the last few months.

"That's crazy, Merton," Tommy said, shaking his head as though the idea was ridiculous. "I don't care what people think I should do and neither does Lori. She thinks you're cool. Besides, who else am I supposed to watch monster movies with? Lori's completely worthless when it comes to that stuff."

Blood pounded against Merton's eardrums so hard that he had trouble concentrating on Tommy's words, his temperature rising as Tommy flashed him a lopsided grin. It was all he could do to keep his knees from giving out as he listened to Tommy tell him that he actually _wanted_ to hang out with him. There was no way this was happening, and yet Tommy was still standing there grinning at him. Finally Merton cleared his throat and shifted his weight, meeting Tommy's gaze with a shy grin. "Have you seen _An American Werewolf in London_? I have it on video."

"Are you kidding? Werewolf movies are my favorite. Most people think they're kind of lame but I like them."

"I've got the whole _Howling_ series too," Merton said before he could stop himself. He had no idea what he thought he was doing, but if Tommy was determined to be his friend at least they had something in common. "I kind of collect monster movies."

"Cool." For a long, breathless moment Tommy held his gaze, and all Merton could do was smile back at him and hope he wasn't visibly shaking. Then the taller boy sighed and took a step backwards, regret flooding his features as he glanced over Merton's shoulder again. "Listen, I better get to practice before they come looking for me. So we're cool, right?"

"Yeah, sure," Merton answered, wincing at the breathless quality of his voice. When he had a chance to think about it he'd be grateful that he'd at least managed to hold something resembling a conversation with Tommy, but for now it was all he could do to stay on his feet. "See you."

"See you," Tommy echoed as he walked past Merton in the direction of the gym. When he was halfway down the hall he glanced over his shoulder, his grin returning as he caught Merton's gaze and waved. Somehow Merton got his brain to work with him long enough to wave back, thankful that at least Tommy was far enough away that he wouldn't see Merton blush even harder. He forced himself to turn back to his locker as Tommy disappeared around the corner, absently shoving books in his backpack as he tried and failed to talk himself out of reading too much into what had just happened.


	9. Chapter 9

A slender hand shot out and caught the pencil Merton had been tapping against the coffee table, surprising him out of his thoughts. He looked up to find Lori glaring at him as she pulled the pencil out of his grip and dropped it on the table out of his reach. "Okay, what gives? You're all fidgety, it's making me crazy."

"Sorry," Merton muttered, tearing his gaze away from her to stare at his open Chemistry book. "I didn't realize I was doing it."

"It's okay, Merton," Lori said, letting out an exasperated sigh as he stubbornly refused to look at her. "It's just that you've been nervous since you got here. What's up?"

"Nothing," he said a little too quickly, shifting on the couch cushion and glancing in her direction without quite meeting her eyes. He wished he was a better actor, because it was obvious that Lori wasn't buying it by the way she was still staring at him. There was no way he was going to tell her what was wrong, though, it was way too embarrassing.

Lori frowned and dropped her notebook on the coffee table, her Chemistry homework forgotten as she turned toward Merton and studied his profile. "Give me a break. This doesn't have something to do with last Friday night, does it? I mean you were fine on Tuesday, and Tommy said he talked to you about that."

"No," he answered, the color draining from his face at the mention of Tommy's name. "He…he told you about that?"

"Sure, why not?" Lori shrugged noncommittally and inched a little closer to Merton, reaching for his Chemistry book and closing it. "So I know it's not me, at least I don't think it is. It's not, is it?"

Merton laughed as he let her pull his book out of his hands, shaking his head without looking over at her. She was right, he'd been nervous since he got to her house and he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding it. What she didn't know was that his current nervous state had been steadily building all week, and it didn't have anything to do with her or Tommy. The fact was that the past three weeks at school had been almost peaceful, but the closer they got to the end of the week the closer his reprieve from T'n'T was to being over. Their three weeks of suspension ended on Monday, and even though he hadn't heard a word out of them while they were suspended he had a feeling they hadn't forgotten who got them kicked out of school.

"No, it's definitely not you," he finally said. "I'm just distracted because I've got a lot of schoolwork, and I'm waiting for colleges to get back to me."

"Already?"

He shrugged and forced himself to look over at her, smiling nervously at her bemused expression. "Early acceptance."

Lori rolled her eyes and grinned good-naturedly, leaning back on the couch and letting out a heavy sigh. "Figures, the rest of us are just hoping to get into State and you're waiting on early acceptance letters. Let me guess, Ivy League?"

"Amherst," he answered, his cheeks flushing as she shook her head.

"No way is that why you've been acting so jumpy today. Come on, Merton, you know you're gonna get in. You're the smartest guy in school."

He shook his head, ignoring her snort of disbelief. "I'm not, really. I won't even make valedictorian."

"Whatever, the point is you don't have to worry about getting into some stuck-up Ivy League school. All you have to worry about is coasting through the last few months…oh." She stopped talking suddenly, her eyes growing a little wider as she sat up and leveled a serious stare at him. "That's what this is all about, huh? Surviving the last few months of school."

Merton swallowed hard and looked away from her, his cheeks blazing an even deeper shade of red as a fresh wave of humiliation washed over him. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to Lori about Tim and Travis, it was bad enough that everyone in school knew why they'd been suspended. He didn't need Lori's pity on top of it, and he definitely didn't need her trying to help the way Tommy had. "Just forget it, okay?"

"Come on, Merton, you don't have to worry about those guys," she said, her voice soft as she watched him blush. "They know they're off the team if it happens again, and that goes for anybody they might want to push around, not just you."

"Football season doesn't last that much longer," Merton reminded her, forcing himself to glance over at her long enough to let his point sink in.

Lori opened her mouth and then closed it again, pausing for a long moment before her cheerful grin returned. "Well I heard the next time they might even get expelled."

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure the next time they wouldn't bother leaving any witnesses," Merton said, wincing as the words he hadn't intended to say out loud escaped his lips. Lori frowned at the truth behind his statement, her silence telling Merton that he wasn't completely crazy to think that the twins might be out for blood this time. It was obvious they weren't just going to let it go, and considering what happened last time he was pretty sure things would just be worse on Monday.

"You know Tommy won't let anything happen."

Merton's breath caught in his throat and he looked up sharply, forgetting to be embarrassed as he searched Lori's eyes for the meaning behind her words. He had no idea what to say, he didn't even know what was going on with Tommy but suddenly he got the feeling that Lori knew more than she was letting on. She sounded so sure about it, as though she and Tommy had talked about Merton's problems with Tim and Travis. "What makes you say that?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper as he forced himself to hold her gaze.

"He's the captain of the team, it's like his job to keep those guys in line." She shrugged as though that much should be obvious.

"Oh. Yeah, you're right. I hadn't thought about it that way," he said, pasting what he hoped was a nonchalant grin on his face. It was bad enough that Lori had figured out he was worried about T'n'T coming back to school, the last thing he needed was for her to get the idea that he was interested in Tommy. He didn't believe for one second that Tommy could actually stop Tim and Travis from rearranging all Merton's vital organs, but he wasn't about to give her any more ammunition.

"See? Nothing to worry about," she said, smirking as she picked up her notebook again. Merton's eyebrows shot up as he watched something flash in her eyes, but he told himself he was imagining things and reached for the Chemistry book she'd confiscated earlier. Lori didn't know anything about how he felt, and there was nothing else she could possibly know that he should be worried about. Besides, he couldn't afford to worry about whatever games Tommy and Lori played to fill up their time. He needed to concentrate on living through the next week, let alone the rest of the school year. For now he'd just worry about the rest of football season, and after that he'd start to rethink this whole plan to finish out the year at Pleasantville High.

~

Merton looked up from his application essay when the doorbell rang, his heart in his throat as he tried to convince himself that whoever was at the door wasn't there to see him. Nobody ever came to see him, most likely it was one of Becky's friends or maybe one of the professors that worked with his parents. The only person that had dropped in on him since the school year started was Tommy, and he wasn't just going to swing by on a Friday night. He let out a frustrated sigh and forced himself to turn his attention back to his computer screen, trying and failing to focus on the few paragraphs he'd written so far.

He was about to give up and start over for the tenth time when a knock sounded on his bedroom door, and he sucked in a sharp breath as the door swung open and Tommy appeared. "Hey," Tommy said, glancing around Merton's room as he stepped in and closed the door behind him again. "Your mom said it was okay if I just came up."

"Yeah, of course," Merton answered, his words coming out in a rush of breath as he forgot all about the essay he was supposed to be writing. "What are you doing here?"

Tommy held up a case from the video rental store not far from the school, grinning sheepishly as he watched Merton's forehead furrow. "Took a chance that you wouldn't be busy."

"Oh." Merton swallowed convulsively as he continued to stare at the video, his pulse racing as it sank in that Tommy was standing in his bedroom on a Friday night asking if he wanted to hang out. Just like that, like it was the most natural thing in the world for the two of them to spend two Fridays in a row watching dumb horror movies.

"So are you?"

"Am I what?" Merton asked, blinking as he tore his gaze away from the video long enough to focus on an amused-looking Tommy.

"Are you busy?" Tommy asked, glancing in the direction of Merton's desk. His gaze fell on the computer screen and he took a few steps forward, dropping the video on the corner of the desk as he leaned close to Merton to read what he'd been working on. "College applications? I thought everybody was done with those already."

Merton cleared his throat and inched as far away from the other boy as he could without falling over his desk chair, praying that Tommy wouldn't hear the way his heart was pounding against his ribcage. "Yeah…I mean no…I mean it's not a college application." He paused and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to calm down long enough to get a simple sentence out. "It's a summer research program at Johns Hopkins. I can finish tomorrow."

"Cool." Tommy straightened up and grinned at Merton, the look in his eyes a mixture of amusement and relief. "I wasn't sure, I mean I would have called first but I didn't have your number. So I just took a shot."

"It's okay, I mean I'm glad you're here," Merton said, blushing as he listened to himself stammer. He hoped that Tommy would just assume that he was always that particular shade of red, at least that way he wouldn't realize how often Merton blushed when he was around. He cursed his Scandinavian heritage and his thin skin for the thousandth time and took a deep breath, his pulse slowing down marginally as Tommy took a few steps backwards and sank onto the edge of his bed.

"So where's Johns…that school?" Tommy asked, his gaze locked on Merton's as he watched the smaller boy sink into his desk chair.

"Washington, D.C.," Merton answered.

"That's a long way to go for just a summer."

Merton tore his gaze away from Tommy's, glancing at his computer screen while he tried to convince himself that he was imagining the look of regret in Tommy's eyes. There was no way Tommy Dawkins cared what he did with his summer, it didn't matter that he was sitting in Merton's bedroom on a Friday night. It didn't matter that he'd come over with some cheesy horror movie, he'd get sick of being charitable long before summer rolled around. "Yeah, well, I'm planning to go to college out East," Merton explained when he finally turned back to Tommy. "Amherst."

Tommy nodded slowly, looking down at his folded hands for a moment. When he looked back up at Merton he was smiling, but there was something almost wistful in his expression. "Yeah? That's great. I wish I was going away to school, but no way would my dad go for it. He's already worked out a deal with the football coach at State."

So that was what the regret in his features was about. Merton swallowed an irrational surge of disappointment and told himself he was crazy to think Tommy actually cared whether or not he went away to college. It was just envy, Tommy probably wanted to get out of Pleasantville almost as much as Merton did. Every kid wanted to leave home, especially if they grew up in a dead-end town like Pleasantville. Tommy was just jealous that Merton was going all the way to Amherst while he'd be stuck going to State like most of the kids in their class. "My parents teach there," Merton finally said, hoping his disappointment didn't show on his face. "It's a good school."

"Both your parents?" Tommy smiled a little wider, chasing the sadness out of his eyes as Merton nodded. "Guess that explains why you're so smart."

Merton laughed nervously, looking down at the floor as his cheeks flushed again. "I'm not really that smart. I guess having two professors for parents just made me take my schoolwork more seriously than most kids. My dad teaches Physics and Mom teaches Political Science."

"So how come you're not staying here for college? I mean if both your parents are already professors there…"

"If both your parents worked at State would you want to go there?" Merton grinned as Tommy winced at the thought, his smile turning sheepish as he shook his head. "Besides, my dad went to Amherst, so it's a big deal for him if I go there too. I thought about leaving Pleasantville High early and finishing the year at State, though."

"Really? How come?"

Merton shrugged and looked away again, biting his lip as he wondered when he'd lost control of his life. He definitely hadn't meant to say that, certainly not to Tommy. "You know, starting your freshman year with college credits already under your belt looks really good."

"Right," Tommy said, frowning thoughtfully as he watched Merton avoid meeting his gaze. "You sure it doesn't have anything to do with T'n'T?"

"Not really. I mean no, why would it?"

Tommy sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he waited for Merton to look up at him. Merton could feel the other boy's gaze on him, but the last thing he wanted to do was look over at Tommy. He didn't want to have this conversation with him, it was bad enough having to talk to Lori about it.

"Look, Lori told me you were worried about them."

Merton rolled his eyes and forced himself to look over at the other boy, not bothering to hide his frustration. He should have known Lori would tell Tommy everything he said, her first loyalty would be to her boyfriend. If they felt for some sick reason like they had to protect him from himself there was nothing he could do to stop them. "I can handle it," he said, his expression daring Tommy to argue with him.

"I couldn't even handle T'n'T by myself," Tommy pointed out. "Trust me, you don't have to worry about them, Merton. I know I said that last time but the coach will make sure they don't take any more stupid risks. They're not gonna get themselves kicked out of school just because of some grudge against you."

Merton didn't bother to point out that they'd already done just that, he was pretty sure Tommy meant they wouldn't risk getting expelled. He wasn't even close to convinced that Tommy was right about that, in fact he wasn't even sure Tim and Travis would bother to wait until the last few weeks of football season were over before they pounded him into a greasy smear on the bathroom floor. None of that was anything he wanted to point out to Tommy, though, because that meant admitting to Tommy how scared he was.

"Don't worry about it," he said, hoping he looked more confident than he felt. "I mean it's not like they don't terrorize pretty much the whole school. I'll just stay out of their way."

Tommy smiled back at Merton, but he could tell the taller boy wasn't buying his act. The truth was Merton was worried about it, but there was nothing Tommy could do to make him feel better. Even if he promised to make sure Tim and Travis didn't come near Merton he couldn't be there every minute, and the last thing Merton needed was Tommy acting like his personal bodyguard.

"So what movie did you bring?" Merton asked hopefully, breathing a sigh of relief when Tommy's features lit up.

" _Basket Case_ , ever seen it?"

"No, I've heard of it but I haven't watched it," Merton admitted, standing up and reaching for the video.

Tommy grinned and stood up to follow him out of the room, Merton's problems momentarily forgotten as he warmed up to one of his favorite subjects. "Oh man, it's the dumbest movie ever. You're gonna love it."

Merton led Tommy into the family room, smiling affectionately at the other boy's enthusiasm. He knew spending time alone with Tommy was just going to make hiscrush worse, but they did have a lot in common and Tommy seemed to like hanging out with him. Maybe not as much as Merton enjoyed having Tommy around, but he wasn't too proud to take what he could get.

He put the tape in the VCR and turned on the television before he settled onto the couch next to Tommy, careful not to sit too close to the other boy. As soon as he settled back against the couch cushions Tommy turned toward him, tearing his gaze away from the screen long enough to grin at Merton. "I can't believe you've never seen this before."

"You know it's got two or three sequels," Merton said. "I've seen clips from a couple of them."

"I've only seen the first one." Tommy shifted back to look at the screen as the credits began to roll, inching a little closer to Merton in the process. Merton swallowed hard and told himself that it didn't mean anything, that Tommy was just excited about the movie. He probably didn't even notice the way their arms brushed or the fact that he was close enough to Merton to lean forward without any trouble and kiss him. "We'll have to track down the sequels sometime."

Merton nodded mutely, keeping his eyes glued to the screen as he willed an image of Tommy leaning over to kiss him out of his mind. He couldn't start fantasizing about Tommy while he was sitting right there on Merton's couch, not if he wanted to get through the movie without humiliating himself. The idea that Tommy planned on doing this again was enough to fuel his overactive imagination for at least the rest of the weekend. He forced himself to focus on the movie as Tommy began to laugh at the ridiculous plot, hoping the other boy would attribute Merton's grin to the movie and not the thought of the next time Tommy would show up on his doorstep.


	10. Chapter 10

Merton spent the entire weekend alternating between trying to convince himself he was crazy and trying to keep the idiotic grin off his face. He knew better than to think that Tommy was interested in him beyond someone to watch cheesy horror movies with, but every time he thought about Friday night he started to wonder all over again. Part of it was the way Tommy sat so close to him on the couch, the casual way he'd touch Merton's shoulder or brush his leg against Merton's. If it was just that he'd be able to talk himself out of believing that there was something happening between them, but that was only the beginning.

Part of it was their conversation, once they started talking about the movie he realized that he could actually string words together and not sound like a complete moron in front of Tommy. They had a lot more than just monster movies in common, too; it turned out that Tommy was interested in Astronomy, and he even seemed interested when Merton explained the basics of spell casting. Not that he really knew anything about it, but he told Tommy about the web sites he'd found and all the reading he'd done without getting even one weird look from the other boy.

The best part had been that his entire family was out for the night, so he didn't have to worry about his parents dropping in to say anything embarrassing or his sister and her annoying friends trying to take over the family room. Of course the night would have been even better if they'd taken advantage of the fact that they had the whole house to themselves, but Merton wasn't sure if he was brave enough to go there. It wasn't like he was completely inexperienced, he'd messed around with two guys before if he counted that one time at summer camp. So he knew how to make the first move, more or less, and if it was anyone else he might not think twice about it.

All the signals were there, at least he was pretty sure they were. Tommy definitely liked hanging out with him, they had a good time together and he laughed at all of Merton's corny jokes. Still, the thought of kissing Tommy Dawkins was a little too daunting, if it turned out Tommy was just being nice to him or something Merton would never be able to show his face in school again. If he lived to be humiliated by it, that is, because if he was reading Tommy wrong he could very well end up as nothing more than a footnote in Pleasantville history. They'd probably even rule it justifiable homicide, after all he didn't have any business hitting on Pleasantville's Golden Boy.

Even the idea that Tommy could crush him with one hand if he was wrong didn't temper his mood, though, because he had a sneaking suspicion that for once he was reading the signals right. He thought he was right – he hoped he was – but he wasn't sure enough to just go for it, not without some kind of clear sign from Tommy. He didn't even mind waiting, though, because from the way Tommy talked it was pretty clear that he wanted to keep hanging out with Merton. So with any luck there would be other nights like Friday night, and maybe one of these days he'd figure out what exactly Tommy wanted from him.

By Monday morning his euphoric mood had faded slightly, but even the prospect of Tim and Travis coming back to school couldn't completely erase the giddy feeling of knowing that Tommy Dawkins liked him. Of course if Tommy never gave him the clear sign he was looking for it could prove to be a really frustrating friendship, but he was willing to take the risk. He couldn't believe how quickly his interest in Tommy had shifted from mere physical attraction to actually having a good time just hanging out with him, but the more time he spent with Tommy the more he liked the idea of being his friend. He never dreamed that Tommy or even Lori would acknowledge his presence in the halls, but now he was spending time with both of them and neither one of them seemed to care what anyone else thought.

He caught himself grinning at the prospect of seeing Tommy again and rolled his eyes, willing his emotions back under control before people started wondering what he was up to. The last thing he needed was for anyone in his classes to start getting suspicious, he wasn't interested in avoiding a bunch of questions and he sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone the truth. Even though Tommy and Lori said hi to him in the halls he was still a little nervous about actually calling them friends, at least to other people. They hadn't made any effort to hang out with him at school, after all, and if he started going around telling everyone they were friends now he might ruin everything. _When did my life become an after school special?_ he asked himself as he rounded a corner in the direction of gym class.

Any answer to his question was forgotten as he ran smack into a solid chest, barely registering the rush of fear that flooded him before a hand closed around his arm and dragged him down the short hallway that led to the band room. A moment later he found himself pressed against a wall, the lock from someone's locker digging into his lower back and his feet barely touching the ground. He focused on Tim and Travis as one of them held him against the lockers and the other leaned in close to sneer at him. "Hey, Fagboy. Long time no bleed."

Merton swallowed a groan as one of them pressed him even further into the metal digging into his back, thankful that at least he'd had almost a month to heal before they did any more damage. He knew from long experience that saying anything would just make the beating worse, so he kept his mouth shut and forced himself to keep eye contact with the one he assumed was Travis. He was the one that usually administered the lion's share of the damage, Tim was more or less just there to hold him still while Travis perfected what Merton assumed would be his career someday. He was pretty sure that the only thing either one of them would be good for was getting paid to rough people up, and it wasn't as though there was any shortage of jobs that required that particular skill.

"Nothing to say, huh, freak? You got us kicked off the team for three weeks and you aren't even gonna apo…appol…say you're sorry?"

Merton's first reflex was to laugh at the idea of apologizing to either one of them; the last three weeks had been the most peaceful of his high school career, even with Tommy making his head spin every time they ran into each other. He definitely wasn't sorry for getting them suspended, not that it was even his fault in the first place. Now definitely wasn't the time to stick to his convictions that it was their fault they got suspended, though, because the longer he stared back at Travis without answering the angrier the other boy looked.

The hand holding his arm began to squeeze tighter as another hand closed around his neck, reminding Merton that it didn't matter what he thought of the twins at that moment. All that mattered was doing whatever he needed to do to live through the next few minutes. "I'm sorry," he gasped around the pressure in his throat.

"That's better," Travis said, a sickly sweet smile turning up the corners of his mouth as he squeezed a little tighter around Merton's neck. "Don't think you're off the hook, freak. You're not in school all the time, and we can't get kicked off the team for kicking your ass off school grounds."

Merton tried to swallow but failed, he couldn't even answer if he wanted to because his air supply was slowly being cut off. His heart beat fast against his ribcage as he realized they weren't going to kill him in the hallway, at least not intentionally. Not that he was looking forward to looking over his shoulder every time he left school for the next few months, but at least they weren't planning to kill him before football season ended. They let go of him suddenly and he caught himself before he fell forward into Travis, gasping for air as they laughed at him. His heart sank into his stomach when Travis moved forward again, gripping the front of Merton's shirt and pushing him hard against the lockers as he curled his other hand into a fist. "Don't forget, faggot. You owe us."

"Guys."

The familiar voice stopped Travis' fist before it connected with its mark, and Merton closed his eyes and stifled yet another groan. Part of him wished Tommy hadn't happened upon them when he did, he could stand one punch from the twins if it meant he didn't have to get rescued again. The idea of Tommy seeing him helpless and shaken up again was enough to finally kill his good mood, something even a run-in with T'n'T hadn't been able to accomplish completely.

Travis scowled and let go of his shirt, turning toward Tommy as Merton sagged against the lockers behind him. "Dawkins, what do you want now?"

"I want to win the game this weekend and make the State Finals," Tommy said, his gaze fixed squarely on his teammates as he ignored their victim. Merton wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed that Tommy was ignoring him, but the pulsing bruises already forming in his neck made him almost glad the other boy hadn't looked at him yet. "Come on, guys, is it really worth getting kicked off the team when you just got back to school?"

Travis glanced back over his shoulder at Merton, a predatory gleam in his eye as he looked the smaller boy up and down. "Think anybody would really notice if he just disappeared?"

Tim and Travis both laughed at that thought, but if Merton didn't know better he'd swear he saw Tommy flinch. "All I know is we don't stand a chance of winning the championship without the whole team on the field," Tommy answered, his jaw clenched as he continued to avoid looking at Merton. "That's all I care about."

It was the way he said it that made Merton cringe, and he was immediately thankful that none of them were looking at him. In less than a minute all the hopes he'd built up over the weekend dissolved, and he found himself wondering if he'd just hallucinated his budding friendship with Tommy. He didn't think he was going crazy, but maybe spending so much time telling himself that he liked spending most of his time alone was starting to get to him. He swallowed hard against the tightness in his chest and told himself he wasn't going to lose it and start crying or something, not in front of those guys.

"Alright, alright, we won't kill him. Not until after Finals," Travis conceded with a heavy sigh, his shoulders falling a little as Tommy glared at him. If Merton wasn't so confused about the way Tommy was acting he'd probably be fascinated by the power the captain of the team yielded over his teammates, but as it was it was all he could do not to take off at a sprint and find some place to lick his wounds in peace. He focused his attention on the throbbing in his neck so he wouldn't have to think about the ache in his chest, but he couldn't quite bring himself to tear his gaze away from Tommy's profile.

Tommy rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of each of their shoulders, shoving them forward down the hallway just as the last bell rang. "Just come on before somebody sees you and you get benched or kicked out again."

As he watched them go Merton finally let out the breath he'd been holding, his hand coming up to finger his fresh bruises as he stared at Tommy's back. He couldn't move, he couldn't even bring himself to care that he was late for gym. All he could think was that Tommy had acted like he didn't even know him, like he was just another faceless victim that could cost him the championship.

He was still watching the three of them walk away when suddenly Tommy stopped and looked over his shoulder, catching Merton's eye for a split second before he turned away again and disappeared around the corner. His breath caught in his throat and he felt his knees start to give out, but he steeled himself against the rush of confusion and misery and somehow managed to stay upright. He had no idea what that split second of recognition was about, whether it was Tommy's way of acknowledging him or if he was just making sure Merton hadn't passed out or anything. He felt as though he might, his head was swimming and his legs were more unsteady than they had been when Tim had him dangling from a death grip against the lockers.

Less than four minutes, that's how long it had taken for the fantasy he'd started to build around Tommy to come crashing right back down. The worst part wasn't the bruises on his neck that he was guessing looked suspiciously like a handprint, it wasn't the fact that Travis had looked almost gleeful at the suggestion of making Merton just disappear. The worst part was that Tommy couldn't care less who Tim and Travis brutalized, as long as they were available to play in the State Finals. He realized for the first time how long Tommy had let his friends terrorize everyone at school that wasn't strong enough or popular enough to escape their disdain, and he couldn't help wondering if Tommy could have stopped them or if he just didn't care enough to bother.

Slowly he pushed himself off the lockers he was still leaning against and made his way down the hall toward gym class, his hand still covering his latest set of bruises. He looked down at his Cure T-shirt and wished that he'd at least worn something with a collar, but unless he went to the nurse and managed to fake a believable illness he was just going to have to deal with the fact that everyone would be able to see the bruises by the end of the day.

~

Gym class was pure, unadulterated misery, and by the time the bell rang Merton was convinced he wasn't going to live through another minute of basketball. It was stupid that they forced team sports on the hopelessly uncoordinated, but at least while they were playing no one paid attention to the fact that the oddly hand-shaped red mark on his neck was quickly turning black and blue. He took his time going back to the locker room, waiting until most of the other guys were done showering before he stepped into the warm stream of water and quickly rinsed off. Normally he was careful not to get his hair wet, the amount of hair styling products required to actually spike it definitely didn't lend themselves to getting damp.

After spending the past hour obsessing about Tommy and what happened outside the band room he couldn't make himself care about his hair, though, and part of him kind of hoped that if it looked ridiculous people would focus on that and not the bruises on his neck. When he finally got dressed again and made his way out of the locker room his lunch period was already in full swing, so he braced himself for the strange looks that would no doubt be directed his way and walked into the cafeteria.

He forced himself not to look over at the table where the jocks always sat, he knew Tommy was probably there but he didn't want to run the risk of actually making eye contact with him. Watching Tommy ignore him – or even worse, pity him – was more than he could deal with, so he got his lunch and made his way over to the table where the honors students sat without looking around any more than he had to. He mumbled a greeting as he took a seat at the end of the table, ignoring his friends until they stopped staring at him and went back to the conversation they'd been engaged in when he showed up.

Thankfully none of them bothered to ask what happened to his neck, but judging from the way the marks were forming when he looked at them in the locker room mirror he assumed they could guess without asking. It wasn't like everybody didn't know that Tim and Travis were gunning for him anyway, in fact most of the kids in school were probably just grateful that he'd pissed them off enough to make them forget about pounding everyone else for awhile. Still, being the only target of the two biggest guys at Pleasantville High was a distinction he could live without, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take.

"Merton, are you…oh wow, that looks bad." He looked up as someone slid onto the bench next to him, wincing as he recognized Lori's voice. She took hold of his chin and turned his face toward her, her features twisted into an angry scowl as she examined the bruises. "You'd think they could have waited at least a couple days to start being complete assholes again."

He laughed in spite of the fact that she was still examining his injuries, his whole body tense as he tried not to think about the fact that the entire cafeteria was probably watching them. Finally he pulled out of her grip and reached up to cover the mark with his own hand, careful not to put too much pressure on his skin. "It's not as bad as it looks."

"Please, you may be able to fool your parents with that line but I was on the kickboxing team at my old school. I know how much that hurts."

"Really, it's not that bad," he insisted, his face flushing as he looked back up at her and saw that she wasn't buying it. Part of him was almost grateful that she was checking up on him, but the rest of him was preoccupied with the fact that everyone had to be wondering why Lori Baxter cared whether or not he was okay. "Wait…how did you even know what happened?"

"Tommy's in my History class," she answered, her dismissive tone telling him that she wasn't interested in answering stupid questions. "He told me he had to pull them off you right before class. He thought you were okay but he wasn't sure."

For a second Merton forgot to breathe, and it took everything in him not to turn and search the crowded cafeteria for Tommy. He wondered if the other boy was watching the exchange, if he'd sent Lori over to check up on him because Tommy didn't want to risk doing it himself. The logical part of his brain kept trying to convince him that Tommy couldn't check up on him right in front of the whole school, that even if he wanted to it would just make things with Tim and Travis even worse. If they thought something was going on between him and Tommy…he shut the thought down as quickly as it surfaced, clenching his jaw and ignoring the throbbing in his neck.

Nothing was going on between him and Tommy and nothing ever would, no matter how far he let his imagination run away from him. Even if something was building between them on Friday night it was ruined now, reality had to come crashing back down around them eventually and it definitely didn't waste any time. He sighed and let his eyes fall closed, suddenly aware of how tired he was.

"Merton? Are you sure you're okay? Maybe you should go see the nurse," Lori said, a nervous edge creeping into her voice as she watched his shoulders fall.

"No," he answered automatically, forcing his eyes back open. He glanced over at her and managed a weary and completely unconvincing smile. "I'm alright, just kinda tired. Anyway it's just a bruise, the nurse can't do anything."

She opened her mouth as though she was about to argue with him, then thought better of it and stood up. "If you say so. So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, see you then," he muttered as she walked away from the table, focusing all his energy on not turning and watching her walk back over to Tommy. He couldn't look at the two of them, he didn't want to see Lori give Tommy her report and he didn't want to wonder whether Tommy was more worried about him or the future of the football team. He hated thinking that there might be an ulterior motive for Tommy's interest in him, but considering the circumstances he couldn't really blame himself.

The sound of a throat clearing next to him jolted him out of his private misery, and for one irrational second he hoped that Tommy really had come over to see for himself that Merton wasn't dying. When he looked up he stifled a groan as he found himself facing six pairs of eyes, ignoring the wave of disappointment that it was just his classmates and not Tommy. "What was that all about?" Paul asked, one eyebrow raised suspiciously as everyone at the table watched Merton flush.

"What?"

"Lori Baxter coming over here to talk to you, that's what," Paul said, his tone just condescending enough to make Merton bristle.

He rolled his eyes and looked back down at his lunch, wishing not for the first time that the concept behind _The Invisible Man_ was a solid scientific theory and not just a science fiction film. "Nothing, I'm tutoring her in Chemistry."

"Right, so she just had to rush over here and make sure her Chemistry tutor was still in one piece. There's not something going on between you and Tommy Dawkins' girlfriend, is there?"

A sarcastic laugh make Merton flush an even deeper shade of red, and he looked a little further down the table to find Alistair smirking at him. "Like that could happen," the blonde sneered.

Merton's grip on his fork tightened reflexively as he held Alistair's gaze, blood pounding too hard in his veins and making his neck throb uncomfortably. This was the last thing he needed, every single person at the table had been the target of Tim and Travis' unwanted attention at some point and now they were hassling him about it. At least Lori had the decency to ask if he was okay, that was more than he could say for any of his so-called friends. "Look, there's nothing going on. She's just a nice person, is that so hard to imagine?"

"Considering the company she keeps, yeah," Paul said. "Look, Merton, no offense or anything, but they're them and you're…well, you. I mean they've never cared what the twins do to any of us."

"Whatever." Merton stood up and grabbed his tray, carefully avoiding eye contact with everyone at the table as he backed away. "Just because you hate them doesn't mean they're all worthless, you know."

He turned and walked away before any of them had a chance to answer, his pulse racing as he tried to figure out what he thought he'd accomplish by defending Lori to his friends. It had always bothered him that the kids in the honors classes looked down on everyone else but still complained whenever the popular kids treated them like they were losers. He knew it was just the way the world worked and he was going to have to get used to it eventually, but he wasn't going to sit there and listen to them talk about Lori that way. Not that she'd probably care, and she could most likely kick all their asses just for looking at her sideways. The real problem was that if he stayed and listened to them dissect his relationship with Lori, sooner or later they'd find a way to bring Tommy into it. He wasn't sure he could sit there and pretend that he didn't care one way or the other what Tommy did, and if any of them figured out that there was something going on between him and Tommy Dawkins the twins would be the least of his problems.


	11. Chapter 11

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it Merton couldn't help noticing the way Lori kept looking at his neck, or the way she winced in sympathy every time she caught a glimpse of his bruises. He knew he should be used to it; nobody had actually looked him in the eye since Monday afternoon because they were too busy staring at the strange hand-shaped mark still visible on his pale skin. It was starting to turn yellow around the edges, but it was still the first thing everyone looked at whenever he forgot to cover it. He shifted on the couch and tugged his collar up self-consciously, glancing over at the lab report Lori was supposed to be filling out.

"Sorry," she said as soon as he covered up the bruise again. He looked up to find her smiling apologetically, and he smiled back in spite of himself.

"Don't worry about it." He fingered the bruise absently, forgetting their Chemistry for a minute as he realized she meant it. "It is pretty weird, I mean you'd think it would stop looking so much like a hand print after four days."

Her smile faded as she watched him cover the mark with his own hand. "Those bastards should have gotten expelled the first time. They're like twenty years old by now anyway, aren't they? I mean they've been held back a million times."

Merton laughed and pulled his hand away from his neck, shaking his head as he listened to her exaggeration. "I think they'll be nineteen year, so they've stayed back maybe once or twice. But yeah, they're definitely a lot bigger than everybody else in school."

"I still say they shouldn't have been able to come back at all." She sighed as she watched Merton's eyes cloud for a moment, and he realized he must not be doing as good a job at keeping his emotions in check as he'd hoped. "I can't believe they started right back up again on their first day back, but I don't think they'll do anything else until after winter break. After that football season's over so I don't know, but they have to keep their noses clean until after the State Championship. I don't know if Tommy'll be able to do anything after that, but hopefully they'll listen to him."

Merton flushed at the thought of Tommy having to intervene for him over and over; not only was it embarrassing but it would never work. If Tim and Travis wanted to teach him a lesson they'd find a way and there was nothing Tommy could do to stop it, the only way to be sure it wouldn't happen again would be to leave school. "It's not his problem," he said quietly, looking back down at his Chemistry notes so he wouldn't have to see her reaction.

"He feels really bad about what happened, you know." Something about her tone of voice made his heart skip a beat and he looked up, hating the fact that she'd be able to tell exactly what he was thinking just by looking at him. He didn't want Lori to know how he felt, he didn't want anybody to know. He was starting to think that he was just fooling himself that he could keep his feelings to himself, maybe the whole school already knew and the joke was on him. He sighed and ran a hand over his face, wishing for the first time that he hadn't been assigned to Lori when Mr. Clark handed out the tutoring assignments.

"There's no reason for Tommy to feel bad about anything," he said. "He got them to back off and he didn't have to. They're his friends, I know he put himself in a bad situation when he stopped them the first time."

The look on Lori's face as he finished speaking let him know he'd said something wrong, but he wasn't sure what it was until she let out a frustrated sigh and leaned forward. "Those guys aren't Tommy's friends. You think I'd hang out with somebody that actually liked guys like that? They're on the team so he has to put up with them, being captain makes him responsible for the whole team. Once football season's over they won't listen to him any more than they listen to anybody else. Tommy stopped them because they're a couple of bullies and somebody has to. You think you're the first guy he's ever pulled them off?"

Merton's eyebrows shot up as he listened to her lecture him, his cheeks burning as she called him on all his assumptions about Tommy. Until Monday he'd never even given any thought to whether or not Tommy had intervened between T'n'T and any of their other victims, just assuming that he'd taken a special interest in Merton for some reason. "Well if he's always saving other kids from them then why…" He paused as he realized what he'd been about to ask, his blush returning as he shook his head. "Forget it."

"Look, Merton…" She trailed off and tilted her head to the side as though she was trying to decide what to tell him. Finally she shook her head and sat back, and he watched as she forced herself to calm down enough to continue. "Just do me a favor and stay out of their way. I need you around to pass Chemistry so I can graduate, and if you're in traction you're no good to me."

He laughed as she smirked at him, but his amusement was tempered by the fact that he could very well end up back in the hospital if he wasn't careful. "I'll do my best not to get killed before you graduate."

"At least do yourself a favor and make it until winter break," she teased. "I mean it'd be a shame if you got halfway through senior year and didn't even get to enjoy your vacation."

"Some vacation," he said, relaxing visibly as the conversation shifted away from Tommy. "I'll probably spend most of it doing extra credit at my dad's lab."

She smiled almost knowingly and picked up her lab report again, tapping her pencil against it as she spoke. "Hey, even that sounds better than my vacation. My parents make me go with them to Switzerland for the whole three weeks."

"Oh, yeah, you're right. Sounds like torture."

"Aw, Merton, I think you almost made a joke," she said, grinning as he shook his head at her. "I know it _sounds_ exciting but trust me, three weeks at a ski lodge with your parents and a bunch of strangers isn't always that fun. If there are any kids there my age that actually speak English it's okay, but I'd still rather hang out with my friends."

He smiled wistfully at the thought of spending winter break hanging out with friends instead of doing extra credit; in grammar school and junior high he'd looked forward to school breaks for the same reason. Once he got to high school and stopped hanging out with his friends, though, the only reason he looked forward to breaks from school was because it meant he didn't have to deal with the other kids for awhile.

Since his sophomore year school breaks had pretty much been spent in his father's lab doing extra credit work or surfing the internet alone in his room, neither of which sounded really appealing anymore. Not that he expected this break to be any different, it wasn't like his life had suddenly changed. He hadn't really thought about the possibility of seeing Tommy over break, but suddenly the reality of three weeks without even seeing him hit Merton full force.

"Hey, you okay?" Lori asked, and he looked up again to find her frowning thoughtfully at him.

"Yeah, just thinking about break," he said, ignoring the suspicious look in her eyes. "Wouldn't your parents let you bring somebody with you? You know, if you brought Tommy you'd have somebody to hang out with." He blushed as he listened to himself voice a question he didn't even know he'd been thinking, but it wasn't like he could take it back now. He hadn't intended to come up with a plan to ensure that he wouldn't see Tommy over break, but Lori's parents could afford it so it seemed natural that she'd take someone with her on vacation.

"Somehow I can't see Tommy skiing," Lori answered, her lips turned up into a mischievous grin. "Although I have a feeling he'd be really popular in Europe. But even if he wanted to go, which I doubt, his dad would never go for it. Let alone my parents, they don't exactly love him."

He ignored the nagging curiosity about why exactly Lori thought Tommy would be a big hit in European circles, fairly sure he didn't really want to know the answer. It didn't make any sense to him that Lori's parents didn't like him just because he went to public school, his parents had never said a bad thing about anyone he brought home. They even liked Tommy after only meeting him a couple times. "His parents are pretty strict, huh?"

"You have no idea." Lori rolled her eyes and let out a dramatic sigh at the mention of Tommy's parents, making Merton wonder what could possibly be so bad in Tommy's perfect life. "He's got a brother, right, the one with the movie? Well Dean was just like Tommy in high school, big man on campus and all that. So he got a football scholarship to University of Florida, everybody figured he'd get drafted into the NFL right out of college."

"His parents let him go that far away for college? But Tommy said…"

"Yeah, well, everything changed when Dean got kicked out," she interrupted him. "First he got busted for possession and they kicked him off the team, so he lost his scholarship. Tommy's parents haven't got any money so that was bad enough, but once Dean got kicked off the team his professors wouldn't just let him slide anymore. He didn't even last a year, and now all he does is hang around his parents' house and smoke pot."

"So Tommy has to stay here and go to school because his brother screwed up?"

"Pretty much. For one thing his parents don't have the money to send him away, and even if he got a scholarship they don't trust him not to do the same thing Dean did. His father's pretty strict, he's got Tommy's whole life mapped out for him."

Merton shook his head absently, trying and failing to imagine his parents ever trying to plan his life for him. There were times when they made him crazy trying to be supportive, but for the most part they just let him do his thing. They didn't even raise an eyebrow when he threw out all his sweaters and science fair T-shirts and started dressing in black. He'd always taken for granted that that was just the way parents were, but he was starting to realize that it didn't always work that way.

"Look, don't mention any of that stuff to Tommy, okay?" Lori said, cutting into his reverie. "I mean he doesn't talk about it that much, half of what I know he didn't even tell me. I think he's embarrassed about his brother or something."

"No, of course, I wouldn't say anything," Merton assured her. He cleared his throat and reached for his backpack, closing his Chemistry book as he realized for the first time how late it was getting. "Do you want me to look over your lab report before I leave?"

"Definitely," she said, thrusting it toward him with a frustrated sigh. "I'm pretty sure I totally blew this experiment. You tell me."

He shook his head as he took the lab report, grinning at her over the top of the page as he scanned the data. "You know as well as I do you don't even need a tutor. The only reason I keep coming over here is because it looks good on my college applications."

"I thought you already sent in all your college applications," Lori said, raising one eyebrow as he looked up at her again.

"I did, I meant the summer program I'm trying to get into. It's this research thing in Washington D.C."

"Are you ever going to have any fun? I mean are you at least gonna pencil in a vacation between undergrad and grad school?"

Merton grinned again and reached for her pencil, making a few notes in the margins of her lab report as he spoke. "Science can be fun," he said, ignoring her snort of disbelief. "Well it can. But I have other kinds of fun, it's just that the beginning of college is a really critical time. That's when you set the tone for the rest of your education."

"Spoken like someone that grew up around teachers," she teased, grinning at the look he shot her. "Come on, Merton, you're young. Live a little."

He smiled self-consciously and looked back down at the lab report, occupying himself with correcting her data so he wouldn't have to see the hint of pity behind her mischievous grin. "Now you sound like my mom."

"Yeah, Tommy said your mom was really cool."

Somehow Merton managed not to look up, but he was pretty sure he hadn't quite managed to suppress his shocked expression. He knew Tommy had met his mother at least once, but he didn't realize that they'd talked enough for Tommy to categorize her as 'cool'. Never mind the fact that Tommy and Lori had actually talked about his parents, there was no telling what else they'd been talking about. "She's okay," he finally said.

The doorbell rang before she had a chance to respond, and she stood up abruptly and began backing toward the stairs. "Be right back," she called over her shoulder as she disappeared in the direction of the door.

Merton made a few more notes in the margins of Lori's lab report before he set the pencil back down, not bothering to look up when he heard footsteps descending the stairs. "Most of this is right," he said, flipping to the second page of the report to double-check his notes. "There are just a couple equations you need to rework and then it's ready to hand in."

"Thanks, but I'm not taking Chemistry."

As soon as the familiar voice sounded in the room Merton tensed, willing the color in his cheeks to fade as he slowly turned to look up at Tommy. "Sorry, I thought you were Lori."

"Yeah, I figured. She went upstairs to get something." Tommy took a few steps toward the couch and then stopped, and Merton couldn't help watching the way he caught his lower lip between his teeth almost nervously. He knew he shouldn't be staring, but he hadn't seen Tommy since Monday and he wasn't prepared to run into him after spending the afternoon talking to Lori about pretty much nothing but Tommy. The heat in his face began to creep to other parts of his body as Tommy's lips parted slightly, and before Merton had a chance to react Tommy was sitting down next to him.

"Listen, Merton, I wanted to talk to you but I haven't gotten a chance," he said, turning toward the smaller boy so their knees were pressed together. Tommy's hands were in his lap, his fingers entwined and twisting nervously, and it was all Merton could do not to reach out and cover them with his own just to stop Tommy from fidgeting. Not that he was any less nervous than Tommy seemed to be, in fact watching Tommy fidget was just making him more anxious. He knew what he hoped Tommy meant when he said he wanted to talk, but it couldn't be that. "I'm sorry about what happened with T'n'T, I should have stopped them earlier."

Merton stifled a disappointed sigh and told himself that he'd known what Tommy was going to say, no matter how much he wished they didn't have to have this conversation. "They're not your problem, Tommy. And anyway it wasn't that bad."

Before Merton realized what was happening Tommy moved impossibly closer, and he held his breath as the other boy reached out and turned Merton's face toward him. He forgot to be self-conscious about his bruise as Tommy pushed his collar aside, watching as something like sorrow flickered in Tommy's eyes at the sight of the mark. He wasn't prepared for the sensation of fingers ghosting across his skin; Tommy had touched him before but this felt different somehow, almost intimate. Tiny shocks of almost pleasure and not quite pain ran down his neck as Tommy's fingertips connected with the center of the bruise, and he had to focus all his energy on just keeping his eyes open.

A moment later Tommy pulled his hand away and shifted away from Merton on the couch, but his gaze was still locked with the smaller boy's. "You should have told somebody. Hell, I should have told somebody."

"I'm not a snitch," Merton said, stopping just short of actually rolling his eyes at himself for sounding like the nameless victim in some bad teen movie. "And anyway if I did they'd just get worse. If I get them kicked off the team they'll kill me for sure, it was bad enough when I was just another one of their victims. Now that it's personal I don't want to do anything to make it worse."

Tommy sighed and looked down at his hands, slowly turning them over in his lap as though he was seeing them for the first time. When he looked back up at Merton his expression was a mixture of confusion and pure misery, and Merton felt a tug at his heart that he wasn't sure he'd be able to ignore much longer. "That's my fault too."

"Look, it's nobody's fault, okay? It's just the way it is," Merton practically snapped, wincing as his words came out more harshly than he'd planned. Getting rescued by Tommy was bad enough, he didn't really need to relive it every time they saw each other.

"Yeah, okay," Tommy said, his features softening as he met Merton's gaze again. For a moment neither of them said anything, and Merton was starting to seriously consider just leaving and calling Lori about her lab report later when Tommy leaned back against the couch cushions and stretched his legs out in front of him. "So do you wanna hang out tomorrow night?"

 _Well that's one way to change the subject,_ Merton thought as he watched Tommy tap out a rhythm on his thigh with the fingers of one hand. This was all too much –  
Tommy stretched out less than arm's length away from him, his hair curling in tiny wisps around his temples, and one hand rhythmically moving against his thigh as he waited for Merton to answer him. Even if he wanted to say no there was no way he could, when it came to Tommy he wasn't even sure if the word was in his vocabulary anymore. "Yeah…um, what about Lori?" he finally asked, swallowing hard as he somehow managed to tear his gaze away from the hand on Tommy's thigh.

"What about her?"

If he'd been able to think coherently Merton might have resented the fact that Tommy was just sitting there, calmly teasing him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Maybe later when he was alone in the safety of his bedroom he'd remember to be embarrassed or even angry, but at the moment all he could do was concentrate on not touching the other boy. It didn't matter that Tommy had touched him on several occasions, it didn't even matter that a few minutes ago he'd had his hand on Merton's neck and that they'd been close enough to kiss. Maybe Tommy could touch him and think nothing of it, keep it as innocent as he wanted to. Merton, on the other hand, didn't have anywhere near that kind of self-control.

"Don't…don't you guys usually…you know, weren't you gonna hang out with her?" The last part came out in a rush of breath, and as soon as he finished speaking he snapped his jaw shut and looked away.

"Nah, she usually hangs out with the girls from her old school on the weekend. Some of the girls from the kickboxing team or something. Anyway her idea of entertainment and mine don't exactly mesh." He stopped talking and grinned at some private joke, ignoring Merton's raised eyebrow as he shook his head to chase away whatever thought had distracted him. "So how do you feel about _Children of the Corn_?"

"I heard there was a new one out," Merton answered, his mouth on automatic pilot. He found himself thankful for the first time in his life that he could talk about horror movies without even thinking about it, because his mind was still busy trying to figure out what had made Tommy stop and laugh in the middle of his explanation about Lori. "Have you seen the first five?"

"Five?" An amused laugh escaped Tommy's throat as he held Merton's gaze. "Man, I might have seen three of them. Think four and five are required viewing before I watch six?"

Merton mirrored Tommy's grin and shook his head, relaxing for the first time since the other boy first walked into the room. "I doubt it, it's not like they're exactly quality. The first one, yeah, but it kind of goes downhill after that."

"Cool." As soon as he said it Tommy's grin began to fade and he shifted a little closer to Merton, his arm stretched out across the back of the couch. He leaned forward slightly, just enough to make Merton's breath catch in his throat. Some of the nervous tension that had disappeared during the course of their conversation crept back into his eyes, and he glanced down at the space between them for a moment before continuing. "So tomorrow night?"

"Yeah…um…yeah," Merton stammered, his cheeks blazing as he listened to himself stumble over a single syllable. It was stupid to be so nervous about hanging out with Tommy, it wasn't like it was the first time. The fact that this made two Fridays in a row that he had Tommy all to himself made him more than a little anxious, though, and he didn't want to start reading something into it before he had a good reason. He looked away and willed himself to calm down enough to at least sound like he wasn't losing it, but before he had a chance to say anything else Lori reappeared at the bottom of the stairs.

"Sorry it took so long, the housekeeper was here this morning. I can't find anything when my room's clean."

"Poor baby." Tommy rolled his eyes and stood up to take the CD she held out, all the nervousness and regret gone from his expression in an instant. Merton was pretty sure he hadn't imagined it, but he was starting to wonder if he could trust his own perceptions anymore. "I gotta get home before my parents have a cow. See you guys tomorrow."

Lori waved absently in his direction and sat back down on the couch, picking up the lab report and reading the notes Merton had made in the margins. He ignored her frustrated groan as he watched Tommy back toward the stairs, not even aware that he was staring until Tommy grinned and turned away from him. As soon as Tommy was gone he took a deep breath and forced himself to turn back to Lori and her Chemistry homework, although he was fairly sure he wouldn't be able to concentrate on much of anything besides Friday night.


	12. Chapter 12

The pile of rejected shirts on Merton's bed was steadily growing, and still he was standing in the center of his room wearing nothing but a pair of black jeans and a scowl. He'd been through practically everything he owned, but nothing looked right or felt right and he was starting to wonder if it was too late to call Tommy and tell him not to come over. He'd gone back and forth all day long between backing out of what was starting to feel more and more like a date, and he'd gotten to the point where he couldn't focus on anything else. Everything his teachers had said at school that day had fallen on deaf ears, because all he could think about was the fact that Tommy was going to be in _his_ house tonight. Again.

Which was exactly why he shouldn't be nervous, because it wasn't like it was the first time they'd done this. Just a week ago they'd sat in the family room and watched a movie without anything happening, tonight was no different. It was just two guys hanging out and watching a lame horror movie, it definitely wasn't a date. It wasn't, so there was no reason to be so worried about what he looked like. Tommy probably wouldn't even notice he was wearing clothes, let alone care what they looked like.

He let out a frustrated sigh and reached into the pile of shirts on his bed, pulling out a dark maroon button-down and frowning at it. When he'd started actually thinking about his style instead of just throwing on the cleanest thing he could find every morning he'd carefully handpicked his new wardrobe, and at the time this particular shirt had been one of his favorites. It was as close to blood red as he'd been able to find, and it added just enough color to dress up his usual black pants and jacket. For some reason even his favorite shirt just wasn't good enough tonight, though, and he gave up on finding something that he'd actually feel comfortable in.

Most of his nervousness he could attribute to the way Tommy had touched the bruises on his neck the day before, not to mention the look in the other boy's eyes when he'd blamed himself for Merton getting hurt again. Granted it was sweet of Tommy to take such a personal interest in his welfare, but he was trying not to let his imagination run away with that idea. Still, Tommy had touched him more than once now, and not just the friendly pats on the back that most guys shared. This was actual touching, first on the back of his neck and then on the side where Travis' handprint was still healing. So either he had some weird neck fetish or he was trying to send some kind of signal.

Merton was tempted to go with the fetish theory, because entertaining the possibility that Tommy was sending him signals was a little too dangerous for his comfort. He knew he was going to spend the whole evening watching Tommy more than the actual movie, trying to figure out if the other boy was trying to tell him something with every move. Either way it was bound to be a frustrating evening, and he was fairly sure it wasn't going to end the way he secretly hoped it would. He just had to find a way to get his mind off the hope that something was going to happen between them; he figured he had a couple hours before Tommy showed up, that should be plenty of time to convince himself that they were just going to be friends.

He buttoned his shirt and took one last look in the mirror on his bedroom door, shaking his head as he ran his fingers through his hair and worked a few unruly spikes back into place. He was still trying to decide whether or not he should change again when the doorbell rang, and his heart skipped a beat and then started pounding way too hard. It couldn't be Tommy already, his mom hadn't even put dinner on the table yet. Tommy never came over this early, as far as Merton knew he had football practice until 5:30 or so. He told himself to stop making more out of Tommy coming over than it really was and pulled his bedroom door open, taking a deep breath as he made his way down the hall in the direction of the kitchen.

When he reached the kitchen he froze in the doorway, his eyes wide as he took in the sight of Tommy leaning against the counter carrying on what looked like an animated conversation with his mother. "Oh, there you are, hon. I was just about to send Tommy back to find you," she said, smiling brightly as he took a few steps into the room.

He nodded mutely as she turned back to the stove, forcing himself to look over at Tommy as the taller boy pushed himself off the counter. "Hey," he said, the same nervous edge he'd had the night before creeping into his voice. "I wasn't doing anything so I figured…"

"It's okay," Merton interrupted. He knew his face was probably flushed and his eyes were wide, but he couldn't quite manage to rein in his emotions. Part of him was dying to ask why Tommy had showed up at his house before dinner time, he wanted to believe that Tommy just hadn't been able to wait but he knew that was stupid. More likely he just hadn't felt like going all the way home after football practice. "Mom, it's okay, right?"

"Of course it is," she answered, glancing over her shoulder and raising an eyebrow as she took in her son's flushed appearance. "Dinner's almost ready, you boys go wash up."

Merton nodded and turned away from his mother, using every bit of self-control he could summon not to turn back and stare at Tommy. It was one thing to know he was going to come over later to spend a couple hours watching a movie and then go home again, but to actually have dinner with his family was totally different. For one thing, after spending half an hour listening to his parents talk about work Tommy wouldn't think they were so cool anymore. Not to mention the field day Becky was going to have with this turn of events on Monday at school.

He stifled a sigh and led Tommy into his bedroom, remembering too late that most of the contents of his wardrobe were still in a pile on his bed. "I…uh…I was cleaning my closet," he explained, his cheeks burning as Tommy nodded and turned back to him.

"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have just showed up so early, I didn't know people still did that whole 'sitting down at the table and eating together' thing. You sure your mom's cool with me being here?"

"She doesn't care," Merton said. "Becky's friends are always here for dinner, it's no problem. I thought you'd still be at football practice, though."

Tommy shook his head and pushed a corner of the pile of shirts over far enough to sit on the edge of the mattress, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees as he stared up at Merton. "Coach canceled at the last minute so we just ran some laps and then went home. To tell you the truth I don't really mind the break. It gets a little old running scrimmages every day. Not that I don't like football, but after awhile you just start to wonder what the point is, you know?"

Merton swallowed convulsively at the doleful look in Tommy's eyes, his imagination betraying him yet again as he imagined what the boy sitting on his bed would look like stretched out and in far less clothes. He shook his head to chase the image away, thankful he'd had the forethought to wear loose jeans so he wouldn't have to spend the whole night worrying that Tommy was going to notice the effect he had on Merton. "Yeah, I guess anything would get old if you did it every day."

The grin that lit up Tommy's features sent a fresh jolt of desire through Merton's extremities, and he wished he'd had the forethought to sit down so his knees wouldn't give out on him. Wanting Tommy Dawkins was one thing; in a way it wasn't any different than having a crush on a singer or a movie star. Both were completely unattainable, so it was pretty much harmless as long as he kept it to himself. But to stand in his room while Tommy made small talk about his private dissatisfactions with his life…Merton wasn't sure anymore if he could handle knowing Tommy as a person.

"I don't know, I always figured once you figured out what you really wanted to do with your life you wouldn't get sick of doing it. I mean I used to love football, it was fun until I made the Varsity team. Then my dad just got obsessed, you know? Like I'm gonna get drafted into the NFL straight out of high school or something."

Merton bit his lip as he watched Tommy look down at his carpet, reminding himself not to say anything about Tommy's family that he wasn't supposed to know. He didn't want Tommy to be mad at Lori because of him, but more importantly he didn't want to embarrass the other boy to the point that he decided he didn't really want to stay for dinner after all. Even the thought of having Tommy at the dinner table across from his parents was strangely appealing; nerve-wracking, definitely, but at the same time it made whatever was going on between them feel more like a friendship.

Before he could talk himself out of it he crossed to his bed, holding his breath as he sank down onto the edge of the mattress next to Tommy. He had no idea what to say, it wasn't like he was experienced at offering people comfort. He couldn't really relate, either, because his own parents would never pressure him to do something just because they thought it sounded like a good career. It was hard for him to even imagine what Tommy's family must be like, but judging from the little Lori had told him he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "So no professional football career?" he finally asked.

When Tommy looked up again he was smiling, but there was a sort of sadness in his eyes that made Merton wonder suddenly just how determined his father was that he focus on his football career. "Like I said, I like football. I just don't like it as much as my dad does. It's like he gets so obsessed he can't even think straight – today when I got home early and told him practice was canceled he started riding me about how I'm the captain and we could've run scrimmages without the coach. Finally I just left so I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore."

Merton tried to ignore how close they were, telling himself that Tommy was having problems at home and the last thing he needed right now was to worry about Merton's inability to control his hormones. He shouldn't have sat down so close to Tommy, he shouldn't be pressing his shoulder against the other boy's and he definitely shouldn't be thinking about what it would be like just to lean in and kiss him. Tommy wasn't even there because he wanted to see Merton, not really. He'd just admitted that the only reason he showed up early was to escape his father's lecture, but he couldn't help being a little grateful that Tommy had come straight to his house instead of going to Lori's or another one of his friends' houses.

"I don't know what that's like," Merton said, his voice barely above a whisper as he looked up to find Tommy watching him. He knew how dangerous this was, how much he was risking by staying where he was instead of standing up and putting a safe distance between them. The one thing keeping him in place was that he'd seen that look of sadness in Tommy's eyes before, it was the same expression Tommy had worn the day before when he'd apologized for not stopping Tim and Travis sooner.

"Yeah, I know, your parents seem really cool," Tommy said, his breath warming Merton's cheek and sending a shiver of pleasure and anticipation down his spine. They were too close for Merton to think rationally; alarms were going off in his brain but he couldn't quite place them, he wasn't even sure what Tommy had said. All he knew was that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder on his bed, their eyes locked and close enough for him to feel every rise and fall of Tommy's chest. Before he could stop himself he leaned forward, it was barely enough to qualify as movement but as soon as he moved Tommy did too. Then they were even closer, and Merton was almost positive that Tommy was thinking exactly what he was thinking. As unlikely as it seemed, somewhere in the back of his racing mind he was sure that Tommy Dawkins wanted to kiss him.

Part of him wanted to go for it, to take the only chance he might ever get to find out what it would be like to kiss Tommy. Even his sense of self-preservation wasn't enough to dissuade him, because even if Tommy wanted to kill him when it was over at least he'd die knowing what it was like. He wasn't sure how long he hesitated; seconds maybe, or possibly hours, but the next thing he knew Tommy straightened and pulled away. It took another second for his brain to register why Tommy pulled away, but as soon as he placed the source of the sound that had interrupted them he looked up to find his sister pushing his door open.

"Hey Freaker, Mom says hurry up…" Becky trailed off, her eyes glued on Tommy as her jaw dropped open.

Merton felt himself blush from the tips of his toes all the way to the roots of his hair, but he couldn't make himself care what color his complexion was. The fact was that if Becky hadn't opened the door when she did Tommy would have let Merton kiss him, he was almost sure of it. He stifled a groan as Tommy stood up and looked down at him, clearing his throat nervously as Merton met his gaze. "Mind if I…?" He gestured in the direction of the bathroom between Merton and Becky's rooms.

"No, I mean yeah, go ahead," Merton stammered, blood pounding against his eardrums so loud that he could barely make out the sound of his own voice. He had no idea how he was going to get through an entire dinner with his family making small talk, no doubt directing most of the conversation at Tommy. He hadn't even thought about the embarrassing questions his parents were probably dying to ask, but at that moment he couldn't bring himself to care. All he could think about was what would happen after dinner; with any luck his parents would force his sister to leave them alone and maybe, just maybe…

He shut the thought down as quickly as it surfaced and stood up, taking a moment to steady his legs before he crossed the room and headed for the kitchen. He wasn't going to start anticipating what would happen when they were alone again; if he did that he wouldn't make it through the next five minutes, let alone an entire meal. Slowly he let himself into the kitchen, floating on a cloud of anticipation and more than a little nervous tension. As soon as he heard the sound of his sister's voice reality came crashing back around him, though, and he wondered too late if letting Tommy hang around his house was such a good idea.

"…Tommy _Dawkins_ , Mom. What's Tommy Dawkins doing hanging around the freak?"

"Rebecca Dingle, what have I told you about talking that way about your brother?" their mother said, neither of them noticing the fact that Merton was standing in the room. "Merton can have any friend he likes to dinner, you know that."

"Yeah, but it's Tommy Dawkins! No way is he friends with Freakboy. He's the most popular kid in school, _and_ he's captain of the football team, _and_ he's completely gorgeous, and just…no way would he hang out with Merton," she said, snapping her jaw shut defiantly as soon as her point was made.

Merton rolled his eyes as he listened to his sister's tirade, but somewhere in the back of his mind was a small voice telling him that maybe she had a point. Tommy hanging out with him made more sense now than it had at first, but to the rest of the school it would be just as weird as it had always seemed. He and Tommy just didn't make sense, not as friends or anything else for that matter. Still, the fact that his own sister thought Tommy was too good even to have dinner in their house hurt more than he wanted it to. "Oh, but it would make perfect sense if he was here to see you," he said, ignoring the twinge of jealousy he felt as the words escaped his mouth. "And have you ever heard of knocking before you just barge into somebody's room?"

Becky turned to glare at him, but before she could open her mouth to say anything their mother cleared her throat and thrust a serving dish into her daughter's hands. "Go, now, and not another word," she warned, her expression silencing whatever protest had been forming on Becky's lips. When his sister was gone Mrs. Dingle turned to Merton, her curious expression reminding him of exactly how nervous he should be. Whatever she was thinking she kept to herself, though, and a moment later she smiled and handed him another dish. "Put this on the table for me, sweetheart. I'll be out in a minute."

Merton nodded and took the dish, pushing the door to the dining room open and taking in the scene in the dining room. Tommy was already seated at the table next to Merton's father, the two of them carrying on an animated conversation about college. Becky was in her usual seat directly across from Tommy, her eyes a little glassy as she stared raptly at him. He stifled the urge to laugh at her and slid into the chair next to Tommy, willing himself not to stare at the other boy as Tommy glanced over his shoulder and grinned.

As soon as Merton smiled back he turned back to the conversation he'd been having with Mr. Dingle, but Merton's mind was racing too fast to try to pay attention to what they were saying. There was no way Tommy could have missed Becky's rant about him in the kitchen, and he wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed that his sister thought so little of him or worried that Tommy might realize she was right. Usually he didn't give much thought to what Becky had to say about anything, but considering how quickly she could spread a rumor he couldn't help but be worried. It was one thing for Tommy to come over and watch a movie once in awhile, but if Becky had walked in on them thirty seconds later he would have had a lot more explaining to do.

The memory of Tommy leaning toward him, his lips parted and his eyes a shade or two darker than usual sent blood rushing to all sorts of inconvenient places. Merton cleared his throat and shifted carefully in his chair, hoping none of them would notice just how uncomfortable he was.

"Son?"

Somehow he managed not to groan as he forced himself to look at his father, knowing that there was no way he was keeping his discomfort off his face. "Yeah?"

"Tommy here was expressing an interest in taking a look around campus one of these days," his father said, his tone patient but infused with the amusement that Merton knew was directed at him. "I thought since you've spent so much time hanging around the labs that you might be the best person to show him around."

Merton managed a weak smile as he realized what his father was asking, stealing a quick glance over at Tommy only to find that the other boy was carefully avoiding his gaze. "Yeah, sure," he said. "I mean if you want to."

Tommy looked up then, his normally casual grin tempered by a hint of nervousness that Merton couldn't help but think looked good on him. "Thanks," he said, "I mean when my dad and I met with the football coach they showed us around the field house and stuff but I never actually saw any of the classrooms or anything."

"Coach Hendricks is a good man," Mr. Dingle interjected, an amused smile turning up the corners of his mouth as both boys flushed and turned their attention back to him. "He's a bit single-minded when it comes to his team, though. I hear he's even worse during the recruitment process, although we don't exactly travel in the same circles." He smiled indulgently at first his son, then their guest as the door to the kitchen swung open again. "Dinner is served, kids. It smells wonderful, dear."

Merton smiled in spite of himself as he listened to his father fawning over his mother's cooking, forgetting to be embarrassed at his old-fashioned parents. He barely even noticed Becky glaring silently at him from the other side of the table, he was too caught up in trying not to react to the fact that Tommy was sitting next to him. Every once in awhile their knees would brush against each other under the table, or he'd reach for his glass and accidentally brush Tommy's arm with his. Every time it happened Tommy smiled almost imperceptibly, he never looked over at Merton but the corners of his mouth would turn up reflexively.

"So have you thought about what you're planning to study, Tommy?" Mr. Dingle asked suddenly, forcing Merton's attention away from the fact that Tommy had actually just brushed his fingers across the back of Merton's hand. It could have been an accident, after all they'd both reached for the pot roast at the same time. Still, it didn't _feel_ like an accident, and considering the way Tommy was carefully avoiding looking at him Merton was pretty sure that it wasn't.

"My dad thinks I should get into Sports Medicine or Mass Communication," Tommy answered. "Sportscasting, I guess in case I blow out my knee on the field and don't make it to the NFL."

"I see," Mr. Dingle said, and Merton could tell by his tone that he was holding back whatever it was he really wanted to say. Then his father brightened and glanced over at his mother, and Merton let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Both admirable fields. Of course we're always looking for bright young minds to further the noble profession of Physics, so I had to ask."

"I figured Merton already had that covered," Tommy said, glancing curiously at the other boy. "I mean you said you work in your dad's lab, right?"

Merton shook his head, grinning as his father laughed at the idea that his son would be following in his footsteps. "Unfortunately for the world of Physics, no," Mr. Dingle said. "That's where my son and I don't quite see eye to eye. He takes advantage of unlimited access to a University Physics lab for the time being, but his real interest lies in Chemistry, I'm afraid."

"You make it sound like a personality defect," Merton muttered, rolling his eyes at his father. "Chemistry's more interesting than Physics, it's not all laws and probabilities. With Chemistry you can get your hands dirty, mix up chemicals and create a reaction."

A derisive snort escaped his father's throat as he listened to Merton explain his love for Chemistry, rolling his eyes in a gesture that Merton recognized as the start of his favorite speech about the impetuous nature of youth. He glanced pleadingly at his mother, letting out a relieved sigh when she smiled at him and turned to her husband.

"No arguments about the merits of different branches of science at the dinner table," she reminded him, as though it was a perfectly natural rule for any household. "Besides, political science is so much more interesting than the exact sciences, there's more room to negotiate." She smirked at the twin looks of exasperation on her husband and son's faces and turned her attention back to Tommy. "So Tommy, Becky tells me you're the captain of the football team."

Merton pushed his food around his plate with his fork as he listened to his mother grill Tommy about school and sports and anything else she could think of, stealing an occasional glance at the other boy as he tried to decide whether or not to interrupt her. Tommy didn't look like it bothered him, though; in fact he seemed like he was having a pretty good time talking to Merton's parents, he laughed at all of Mr. Dingle's dumb jokes and he answered every one of Mrs. Dingle's questions without hesitation. Even Becky seemed to have gotten over her indignation at Merton having a member of the popular crowd over in a social capacity, and she was staring intently at Tommy as he made small talk with their parents. He smiled in spite of himself and set his fork down on the table, trying not to look as anxious as he felt while he waited for everyone else to finish so he could get Tommy alone again.


	13. Chapter 13

"You're really lucky," Tommy said as he followed Merton into the family room and threw himself down on the couch.

Merton stole a glance over his shoulder as he made his way to the cabinet where all his videos were stored, kneeling on the floor in front of the shelves before he responded. "Why do you say that?"

"Your parents, they're really cool." Tommy stood up and made his way across the room, stopping next to Merton and peering over his shoulder at the rows of videos. "That's some collection, you weren't kidding."

"Yeah, I'm kinda wishing it wasn't so extensive now that I have to start over again with DVDs." He smiled self-consciously and kept his eyes trained on the movies so he wouldn't be tempted to turn and see how close Tommy was to him. He could feel the other boy's body heat radiating off him, and the memory of what had almost happened in his bedroom sent a shiver down his spine. "So, um…any idea what you want to watch?"

"Doesn't matter…oh, hey," Tommy said, leaning forward as one of the titles caught his eye. His hand landed on Merton's shoulder for balance, his chest pressed against the other boy's shoulder blade as he reached over Merton and pulled a video off the shelf. He pulled back and dropped the video in Merton's hands, his hand trailing down the other boy's back as he straightened up again. "This one, definitely. It's a classic."

Merton nodded mutely, his brain too foggy to even focus on the box in his hands. He didn't care if Tommy had chosen his sister's copy of _Dirty Dancing_ , he wasn't going to be able to concentrate on the movie anyway. He wasn't even sure he was going to be able to get off the floor, his whole body felt like it was on fire and all Tommy had done was touch his shoulder. "Uh…yeah. A classic," he murmured as he willed his legs to work with him, pushing himself off the floor and making his way over to the VCR.

He took his time putting the movie in and turning on the television, fussing more than he needed to with the volume and the tracking before he finally gave up and turned toward Tommy. The other boy was practically sprawled on the couch, his legs stretched out in front of him as he watched Merton stall for time. As soon as Merton turned toward him he focused his attention on the screen, however, and Merton let out a soft sigh that was as much disappointed as it was relieved. He made his way over to the couch and sat down next to Tommy, sitting a little closer to his guest than he really needed to.

When the opening scene finally began to roll Merton registered for the first time that they were watching _Return of the Living Dead_ , and he was thankful that at least it was a movie he didn't have to pay attention to. He practically knew this one by heart, which meant he could spend the entire evening obsessing about Tommy without worrying that the other boy would figure out that Merton hadn't exactly been paying attention to the film.

Part of him was dying to find out if he'd imagined what almost happened in his bedroom, if his imagination and his hormones were ganging up on him or if Tommy really was attracted to him. It wasn't like he could just come out and ask him, though, and considering his entire family was home he couldn't really do anything about it while they were sitting in the family room. Still, every time he thought about it he was a little more sure that it hadn't been just his imagination, and he had to keep shifting on the couch in a futile attempt to find a comfortable position that wouldn't betray what was on his mind.

He shifted again, doing his best not to draw Tommy's attention as he struggled not to focus on the way Tommy's fingers kept curling and uncurling against his thigh. If he'd just sit still Merton wouldn't be having so much trouble focusing, but Tommy was fidgeting the same way he had been the night before at Lori's house and all Merton could do was concentrate on not reaching over and touching him. He tried to keep his eyes on the movie; he wouldn't be able to pay attention to the story line but at least he could pretend he wasn't thinking about jumping Tommy in the family room where anyone could walk in. It would be easier if he didn't think Tommy would go for it, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Tommy might be thinking something along those lines himself.

As if he could read Merton's mind, Tommy's fingers stopped moving suddenly and he looked over at the other boy, green eyes sparkling with amusement. "How many times have you seen this one?" he asked, his voice lower than usual.

Merton shrugged and gave up pretending to watch the movie, turning to face Tommy. "I don't know, ten, maybe twelve times."

"Seriously?" Tommy grinned and rolled his eyes as Merton nodded, shifting an inch or two closer to the other boy. "You know, we could have watched something else."

Merton bit his lip to keep from telling Tommy that it didn't matter what they watched, even if he could focus on the movie he didn't care what it was as long as he got to watch it with Tommy. For one thing that would sound way too pathetic, and for another he wasn't sure he could keeping talking to Tommy without doing the one thing he'd been dying to do since Becky interrupted them. He was dying to know how Tommy kissed, what his hands would feel like in Merton's hair and how fast he'd run out of the house once it was over. He was beyond caring whether or not it spelled the end of their friendship, a few weeks ago he hadn't even had that and now he was willing to risk it for a shot at something more.

When he finally realized that Tommy was staring at him while he waited for an answer he flushed and shook his head, looking down at the cushion between them as he tried to remember the last thing Tommy had said to him. "I…uh…no, I mean I like this movie. That's why I've seen it so many times."

"Yeah, me too," Tommy admitted, his voice dropping an octave as he turned back to the screen. As he turned he slid a little closer to Merton, the space between them practically nonexistent now as Merton took a deep breath and forced himself to turn back to the TV. He held his breath and leaned just a little closer to Tommy, telling himself that he was just trying to get comfortable. If the other boy objected to Merton's shoulder pressing into his he could move, after all he was the one that kept inching closer and closer to the center of the couch.

Instead of pulling away Tommy shifted slightly, stretching his arm along the back of the couch. It was all Merton could do to stop himself from leaning into the other boy and resting his head on Tommy's shoulder; it felt so natural, like it would be the easiest thing in the world to do. He couldn't, though, because Tommy wasn't his boyfriend. He was barely even a friend, and even if they had almost kissed in his bedroom that didn't mean he could just touch him because he felt like it. Maybe Tommy didn't even realize how close they'd come to kissing, or maybe he was just experimenting. Either way Merton had no way of knowing if this meant anything to Tommy.

Although if Tommy was completely oblivious he was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, because every time he shifted he came a little closer to actually putting his arm around Merton. He could only imagine what his parents would think if they happened to wander into the family room, never mind his sister's reaction. Tommy had to know how dangerous it was to sit this close together even in Merton's house, though; he had to know that Becky went to their school and that word of their friendship was bound to get around. He stiffened at the thought of Becky and her friends gossiping about Tommy having dinner at their house, only to tense even more when a warm hand landed on his shoulder.

"What?" Tommy asked, turning away from the movie long enough to glance over at Merton.

"Nothing," Merton said, wincing as he heard the slight edge in his voice. It wasn't like he could tell Tommy the truth, that he hated the thought of how fast Tommy would ditch him if word got around that they were hanging out together. He couldn't tell him that he couldn't even think straight when Tommy sat this close to him, and he couldn't ask him what was going on between them. He wanted to, but even if he was that brave he was pretty sure he wouldn't want to hear the answer.

Tommy didn't argue with him, but he watched Merton curiously for another moment before he turned back to the movie. Merton held his breath while he waited for Tommy to pull his hand away, but instead of letting go Tommy's thumb began to move in slow circles. The tiny movement sent waves of sensation through Merton's extremities, and before he could stop himself he moved a little further into Tommy's touch. A voice in the back of his head kept screaming at him that this was a bad idea, that he had no idea if Tommy was interested or if he was just trying to be nice.

He couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes at his own capacity for denial; if there was any question that Tommy was interested before tonight it should have been erased when Tommy showed up two hours early rather than hang out at his own house. He just didn't want to believe that Tommy Dawkins was attracted to him, no matter how many signals the other boy gave him. Accepting that it was possible meant that he had way too much to lose, not only Tommy's friendship but also the relative peace of being ignored by practically everyone at Pleasantville High. It was only a matter of time before people started talking, and there was no way it would last once the rumors started flying.

The hand that had been steadily moving on his shoulder stopped abruptly and pulled away, and Merton glanced sharply over at its owner. Tommy didn't even look at him, his eyes were glued to the movie and he appeared to be actually paying attention to the action on screen. Merton bit back a disappointed sigh and told himself that it was for the best, Tommy had probably just realized what he was doing and stopped before Merton got the wrong idea. Maybe he'd been thinking the same thing Merton was thinking, after all Merton was used to being teased and accused of being a freak. Tommy had a lot more to lose than he did, so even if he had started it there was no surprise in him suddenly coming to his senses.

Neither of them said anything else until the movie ended, although when Merton stood up to turn it off he could tell that Tommy was more than a little uncomfortable. He didn't say anything because he had a feeling Tommy would just tell him there was nothing wrong, but the other boy was shifting nervously and he hadn't looked at Merton once in the past hour. When the tape was rewound and put away Merton turned back to his guest, struggling to hold back his disappointment as he finally met Tommy's gaze. "You want to watch anything else?"

Tommy stood up slowly, something like regret flashing in his eyes for a moment before he smiled sadly. "Can't, we've got a huge game tomorrow. I better get home and get some sleep, my dad's weird about me staying out the night before a big game."

"Yeah, no problem," Merton said, smiling a little too brightly as he turned off the TV. "So good luck tomorrow."

"I left my jacket in your room," Tommy said, his hands in his pockets as he glanced over his shoulder in the general direction of Merton's bedroom.

"Oh, yeah, right," Merton said too quickly, his cheeks blazing as he brushed past Tommy and headed down the hall toward his bedroom. He felt Tommy behind him as he stopped in front of his bedroom door, adrenaline pounding in his veins as he wished that Tommy had just waited in the family room. He couldn't remember ever being as embarrassed as he was in that moment, not only for misjudging Tommy's interest in him but for sounding like an idiot every time he opened his mouth.

Finally he pushed his bedroom door open and stepped inside, scanning the discarded clothes on his bed until he finally located Tommy's letterman jacket. He leaned over the bed and picked it up, gripping the soft leather a little too tightly in an effort to keep himself from inhaling Tommy's scent on the material. That would be a little hard to explain, and he'd already embarrassed himself enough for one night. It was bad enough that he was going to lie awake all night alternating between obsessing about their almost-kiss and the feeling of Tommy's thumb tracing patterns on his shoulder, he didn't need the other boy's scent to go along with the fantasy.

"Here," he muttered, turning and holding the jacket out without quite meeting Tommy's gaze.

"Thanks," Tommy said, slowly pulling the jacket out of Merton's hand and slipping into it. "Listen, Merton, I mean it. Thanks for letting me hang out here, your family's really cool."

"Yeah, sure," Merton answered, swallowing against a rush of disappointment as he finally forced himself to look up at Tommy. It made sense that he'd want to spend time at Merton's house, considering how his father was Merton's family probably seemed like something out of a sitcom. That didn't make it any easier to hear, though, especially when he'd been so sure a few hours ago that there was something happening between them. "Any time."

He started to move around Tommy toward the door, registering somewhere in the back of his mind that Tommy had closed it behind them. Before he could think about what that meant he felt a hand close around his arm, and he swallowed another rush of adrenaline as he felt himself being turned back toward the other boy. They were so close, closer than they'd ever been in all the time they'd spent watching movies in his family room. He could feel Tommy's breath warming his cheek, his senses were flooded with the scent of warm fabric softener and leather that was unmistakably Tommy, and the hand on his arm applied just enough pressure to let him know it wasn't a dream.

He looked up into impossibly green eyes just as Tommy leaned forward, Merton's own nervousness mirrored back to him as they both leaned forward instinctively. Merton's free hand landed on Tommy's hip, his fingers digging into denim as he leaned forward one last inch and fused their lips together. A muffled gasp escaped Tommy's throat as he let go of Merton's arm and pressed his hands against Merton's chest, his fingers closing around the fabric of his shirt and pulling him closer. As soon as his lips parted Merton opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, swallowing a groan as Tommy's tongue slid against his.

Blood pounded against his ears as Tommy pulled him even closer, his arms sliding around Tommy's waist to stroke his back in slow circles. He was surprised by how easily Tommy surrendered control of the kiss, following Merton's lead readily as the smaller boy worked on memorizing every inch of Tommy's mouth. If this was the only chance he ever got to do this he was going to make it count, but something about the tentative way Tommy touched him pulled him out of his lust-filled haze. Tommy let go of the front of his shirt to stroke Merton's cheek, one hand wandering through surprisingly soft spikes as Merton continued stroking slowly up and down his back.

Merton knew Tommy had done this before with Stacey at least, he'd seen them himself in the hallways at school. Considering the way Tommy followed his lead he was fairly sure that it was the first time Tommy had ever kissed another guy, though, and he was caught between fear that it was just an experiment and delight that he was the first. A sudden rush of possessiveness sent a jolt straight to his groin, and he groaned against Tommy's lips and pressed their hips together. He thrust up instinctively, evoking a low moan from somewhere deep in Tommy's throat.

He knew he should pull away, that they should at least take a breath and maybe talk about what was happening between them. The thing was that he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to stop either because part of him was terrified that as soon as the kiss ended Tommy would come to his senses and take off. He could feel how much Tommy wanted this, though, maybe he really was just experimenting but he definitely seemed to be enjoying himself. A moment later the choice was taken away from him, though, because Tommy tore his mouth away from Merton's with a sharp gasp. Slowly they let go of each other, both of them panting for breath as Merton stood between Tommy and the door and waited for the other boy to say something.

It felt like hours passed while Merton waited, and he was starting to worry that Tommy wasn't going to say anything at all when the taller boy finally cleared his throat and looked up almost shyly. "I really do have to go," he said, one hand clasped behind his neck as he searched for the right thing to say. "I don't want to, it's just my dad…"

"It's okay, Tommy," Merton said, struggling to keep the disappointment out of his voice. He didn't want Tommy to leave, not then and maybe not ever, but he knew it was inevitable. Besides, as much as part of him wanted to finish what they'd started he wasn't sure if he wanted to rush what was happening between them. He liked Tommy, he liked him enough to want this to be more than a little groping before they went back to pretending they didn't know each other.

"Yeah, so I'll see you soon." Tommy shifted nervously on his heels, a crooked grin tugging at the corners of his mouth as he stalled.

Merton opened his mouth to answer, to say something that didn't sound completely idiotic, but before he got the chance Tommy was in front of him again. His hands landed on Tommy's hips as Tommy leaned forward, capturing his mouth in a tentative, surprisingly sweet kiss. It took every ounce of self-control Merton had not to take control of the kiss again, but there was something amazing about the way Tommy kissed him. It was almost hesitant, as though he was afraid he was going to do something wrong or that Merton was about to push him away. Too soon he pulled away again, his hand lingering on the soft skin on the side of Merton's neck for a moment before he straightened up and pulled away.

He didn't say anything as Tommy brushed past him and pulled his bedroom door open, he didn't follow him to the front door because he knew if he did there was no way he'd be able to stop himself from kissing Tommy in front of his whole family. Instead he closed his bedroom door and leaned against it, his fingers pressed to his mouth as he listened to the sound of the front door slamming shut. When he was sure Tommy was gone he pushed himself off his door, wandering over to his bed and throwing himself down onto the mattress. He kicked the pile of discarded shirts onto the floor without a second thought, a soft sigh escaping his throat as he closed his eyes and focused on memorizing every second of the two kisses they'd shared so far.

As he played the last few minutes over and over in his mind another rush of possessiveness hit him, surprising him with the force of the emotion. He knew he didn't have a right to claim any part of Tommy, it was just a couple kisses and he had no idea what it meant to Tommy. For all he knew that was it, on Monday Tommy might not even want to look at him. Still, no matter how he tried to tell himself not to get too caught up in how right kissing Tommy had felt he couldn't talk himself out of it, he couldn't forget the way Tommy's lips felt against his or how right it had felt to touch him.

Once he was sure he'd committed everything about Tommy to memory he opened his eyes again, a ridiculous grin plastered to his face as he folded his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. He wasn't going to think about the possibility that Tommy might wake up regretting tonight, he wasn't going to worry about the kids at school or the fact that a relationship between him and Tommy Dawkins was practically impossible. For now he was just going to enjoy the fact that Tommy had kissed him -- _twice_ \-- and worry about the consequences later.


	14. Chapter 14

The first thing Merton thought of when he woke up on Saturday morning was Tommy, his hands on Merton's face and in his hair as their mouths moved together. He blinked and forced himself into complete awareness, his eyes wide as he stared at the ceiling and tried to convince himself it wasn't just a dream. It seemed real, he could still remember the way Tommy felt pressed against him and the way he tasted. It couldn't be real, though, because if it was that meant that last night Tommy Dawkins had kissed him. Twice. In the very room he slept in every night.

His body began to wake up as he played the events of the night before over in his head, and he closed his eyes and tried his best to ignore the surge of desire that rushed through his veins. No, it definitely wasn't a dream, because if it had been a dream he wouldn't have let Tommy leave after just a couple kisses. He remembered thinking at the time that maybe it was better that Tommy had to go, that it would be better if they didn't rush into anything.

"I'm so stupid," he moaned into the silence of his room, the palms of his hands pressed against his eyes as he realized what he'd done. That could have been his only shot at Tommy, because it was entirely possible that the other boy was waking up right now and telling himself that it was just a momentary lapse of sanity and it could never happen again. It wasn't like Tommy was ready to leap out of the closet, at least not as far as Merton could tell. In fact he didn't seem all that sure what he wanted, and it was very possible that he'd decide that whatever it was, Merton wasn't it.

Still, it was an amazing kiss – no, an amazing two kisses – and there was at least a chance that it would happen again. If Tommy really was experimenting then it was entirely possible that he'd decide he liked what happened between them, at least enough to try it again. And maybe a few other things while they were at it. He smiled at the images that thought conjured and pushed himself off the mattress, making his way toward the bathroom as he contemplated all the things they could experiment with before they ran out of new things to try.

When he finished in the bathroom he wandered toward the kitchen on automatic pilot, his stomach leading him in the direction of food as his mind played out a particularly interesting scenario involving Tommy and the boys' shower in the locker room at school. He could barely keep the grin off his face long enough to say good morning to his parents, and he was even more grateful than usual that Becky was gone already so he wouldn't have to listen to her endless stream of questions about Tommy. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to enjoy the memory of the night before for as long as possible. He ignored the look his parents exchanged over his head and poured himself a bowl of cereal, humming to himself as he dug a spoon out of the drawer and headed back to the table.

For a few moments his parents just sat and watched him eat, his mother casting curious glances at his father as they both peered at him over the newspaper. He knew they'd probably figure out why he was in such a good mood if he gave them half a chance, but he couldn't make himself care. He didn't want to hide it, as far as he was concerned the whole world should know exactly why he was so happy to be alive. More than anything he wanted Tommy to know, but that would wait until the next time they saw each other. For now it was enough that Tommy wanted him, he never thought it would happen but now that it had he was going to enjoy it for as long as possible.

"Everything okay?" his mother asked, forcing him to look up at her long enough to grin reassuringly.

"Sure, Mom, I'm fine," he answered before he shoved another spoonful of Cheerios in his mouth.

His father cleared his throat but Merton kept his eyes on his breakfast, willing himself not to laugh at the confused looks both his parents were wearing. He heard one of them rustle the section of the paper they'd been reading before it was folded and laid on the table, then his father leaned forward and folded his hands in front of him. "So is everything going alright at school? No more trouble with those boys?"

Merton shrugged and ventured a glance at his father, his amusement tempered by the fact that they were both looking at him like they used to when he was little and they were trying to trick him into admitting that he'd broken something. He didn't want to deal with this; not today, not while he could still remember how Tommy's lips felt moving against his. "Not really."

He knew how much his mother hated vague answers, if there was anything that annoyed her it was when one of them refused to give up the information she was looking for. He'd thought more than once growing up that she should have been a cop instead of a political science professor, at least then she'd be able to interrogate people on a daily basis. So it was no surprise when she folded her own section of the paper and set it down on the table before reaching over to feel his forehead.

"Mom, I already told you, I'm fine. Can't a guy just be in a good mood?"

"Of course you can be in a good mood, Merton," she said. "Actually it's nice to see you enjoying yourself for once. You've been so serious lately, it's not good for you."

He stopped himself from rolling his eyes and picked up the glass of juice she'd poured for him, swallowing half the contents before he looked back up at her again. "Yeah, you know, I figure it's senior year. The hard part's over, might as well relax a little."

"Does that mean you won't be spending your vacation working in the lab?" his father asked. "Only one more week until winter break, you know."

Merton's forehead furrowed as his father reminded him that vacation started at the end of the week. Three weeks away from school, away from tutoring and any chance to run into Tommy. He had no idea if Tommy planned to see him during break, he didn't even know if Tommy would be in town. "I don't know," he finally answered. "Guess it depends on what's going on."

"Well if you decide you'd rather spend time with your friend Tommy I'll understand," Mr. Dingle said, smiling reassuringly as his son glanced up at him again. "He's a very nice young man."

"You invite him over for dinner again soon, sweetie," his mother added. "He really is a nice boy, and so polite. I don't think we know his parents, though, do we?"

"I think his father works at the shop that fixed the Volvo last time. There's a Bob Dawkins there, he's the one that signed off on the repairs."

Merton kept his gaze securely locked on his Cheerios as his parents talked, barely registering what they were saying. His mind was still stuck on the question of whether or not he'd see Tommy over winter break; he'd thought about it before, but before last night it had always seemed impossible. Now, though, there were endless possibilities for the three weeks they had free from school, that was if Tommy wanted to see him. Although if last night was any indication he didn't have to worry about it. He directed his grin at his bowl of cereal, looking forward for the first time in years to a vacation.

~

It took a few days for the luster of their first kiss to tarnish. All weekend Merton floated on a euphoric cloud that even going back to school couldn't ruin, but when a couple days passed without seeing Tommy at all his good mood started to waver a little. He saw Lori during their tutoring sessions, but even though she was friendly enough she didn't mention Tommy once. As much as he wanted to he couldn't bring it up; part of him was worried that Lori knew what had happened between them and the rest of him was a little disappointed that she didn't seem to have a clue.

He'd known on Friday night that it was possible Tommy would wake up regretting it the next day, but he hadn't expected the idea to hurt so much. He hadn't even seen Tommy since Friday, he'd caught a glimpse or two of him in the halls but Tommy was always surrounded by at least half a dozen admirers and he never even noticed Merton. For awhile he tried to tell himself that Tommy was just busy with football and mid-terms, but by the time Friday afternoon rolled around he couldn't convince himself it was just football keeping them apart.

He let out a frustrated sigh as he made his way toward his locker after school, his gaze focused on the linoleum under his feet so he wouldn't have to think about the other students still lingering in the halls. To make matters worse it was the last day of school before winter break, which meant he wouldn't see Tommy at all for the next three weeks. He couldn't believe this was happening to him; how could he have been so stupid as to actually believe that Tommy liked him? He knew better, he knew that the kiss couldn't possibly mean as much to Tommy as it did to him. The worst part was that he'd let it happen twice, and he knew he'd never be brave enough to ask Tommy why he'd changed his mind.

After he'd shoved all the books he'd need over break into his backpack he slammed his locker shut, wincing as it closed too hard and shook the metal frame.

"Geez, Merton, got a little repressed anger?"

He looked up sharply to find Lori grinning at him, her car keys dangling from one hand and no trace of any school books. He swallowed the urge to ask her if she was planning to do any actual homework over break and forced a weak smile, glancing over her shoulder before he could stop himself. The hallway was empty, though, and he stifled a disappointed sigh and told himself he'd known better. "Hey, Lori. I thought you'd be gone already."

"I would be, but Tommy's holding me up, as usual. Have you seen him?"

"Who, Tommy?"

"Yeah, you know – tall, wavy brown hair, broad shoulders…" She smirked as she watched Merton flush, sighing when he shook his head. "Well he said he wanted to talk to you before we took off. Said to meet him at your locker. So where the hell is he?"

"I don't know," Merton answered, his heart racing as he realized that Tommy was looking for him. It had been a week since they kissed, and suddenly Tommy wanted to track him down? For what – to apologize? The thought of Tommy apologizing for what happened between them made his stomach turn, and he leaned back against the lockers so his legs wouldn't give out. "I haven't seen him all week."

"I know, that's what he wanted to talk to you about." Lori grinned at the look of shock on Merton's face. "Relax, he doesn't tell me everything."

Merton opened his mouth to ask what exactly Tommy did tell her, and why she hadn't said anything when she'd obviously known all week what was going on. Before he had a chance to think better of it he heard a throat clear behind him, though, and he glanced over his shoulder to find Tommy glaring at Lori.

"Fine," she said, responding to Tommy's unspoken command, "I'll just go wait in the car. But hurry it up, Dawkins, I've still gotta pack and I'm going out tonight so I won't have time to do it later."

"Yeah, I know, you've only told me about a hundred times," Tommy shot back, scowling at the look she shot him. She turned back to Merton and smirked again, leaning up impulsively to kiss his cheek before she began backing away. "See you in three weeks, Merton."

"Bye," he called after her, his mind racing as she finally left them alone. He knew he should have told her to have a safe trip or a nice break or _something_ , but he couldn't get his voice to work with him. In fact his entire body seemed paralyzed; he couldn't even get his legs to work long enough to turn and face Tommy. He registered dimly that the hallway was empty now except for the two of them, blood pounding against his eardrums as he told himself not to get his hopes up. Tommy had still ignored him all week, regardless of what he wanted now that fact wouldn't change.

Before he pulled himself together enough to walk away Tommy appeared in front of him, his hands in his pockets and his expression a mixture of regret and pure misery. "I'm really sorry," Tommy began. "I didn't expect this week to be so crazy, but between Finals and mid-terms and practice…" He trailed off and let out a heavy sigh, his hands leaving his pockets and twitching against his thighs for a moment before he curled them into fists and crossed his arms over his chest. "What I'm trying to say is I wasn't trying to blow you off, I've just been really busy. I'd get home from practice or a game and just pass out, we had to run plays during lunch all week, and even when I saw you in the hall you were always headed in the other direction."

"It's okay, Tommy," Merton said when the other boy finally stopped to take a breath. He didn't want Tommy to know how worried he'd been that they might never talk to each other again, but he couldn't ignore the surge of relief he felt when Tommy said he'd wanted to see him. "I know you've been busy with football and everything."

The smile that lit up Tommy's features almost made it worth a week of worrying, and Merton found himself smiling back in spite of the fact that his nerves were raw. He could definitely relate to feeling worn out, he'd stressed himself out so much that week worrying about Tommy that he could probably crawl into bed and sleep for the first week of vacation. Preferably with Tommy, but he wasn't going to start thinking about that or he'd do something really stupid right there in the hallway. It was bad enough that Tommy was standing barely a foot away from him, his fingers twitching as though it was taking every ounce of self-control he had not to reach out and touch Merton.

"I told Lori I'd go over to her place for a little while, help her with some stuff before she goes out tonight. But I was thinking if you're not busy later…I mean if you want, they're showing _The Screaming Skull_ at the Revival Theater in Henderson. If you want to go."

"I heard something about that," Merton answered, struggling to keep his nervousness out of his voice. There was no denying it or talking his way around it this time; Tommy Dawkins had definitely just asked him out on an actual date, to an actual movie theater. Where there would be actual people. Granted the theater was in the next town, but it was still possible they'd run into someone that knew them. A rush of adrenaline shot through him at the thought of going out in public with Tommy, and he couldn't quite hide the grin that threatened to break free. "I mean sure, that sounds great."

"Great. So I'll come by around 6:30," Tommy said, his arms dropping to his sides again as he inched a little closer to Merton.

"Okay," Merton whispered, his heart pounding so hard against his ribcage that he was sure Tommy could hear it. There was no way he couldn't, but it didn't matter because Merton was sure that Tommy was thinking about kissing him. The hallway was deserted for the moment, but there was no telling who would turn the corner at any time. Whether or not Tommy had thought of that Merton couldn't tell, he knew he should point it out but he couldn't bring himself to stop Tommy from leaning forward. It had been too long since he'd gotten the chance to do this, and he wasn't sure if he could wait a few more hours until they were alone. He held his breath as Tommy reached out and trailed his fingers along Merton's forearm, his hand landing on the smaller boy's waist as he leaned forward.

The sound of a door slamming jolted them both back to reality and Tommy pulled away, his eyes dilated as he glanced down the hall in the direction of the noise. "Come on," he said, his hand landing on Merton's back to steer him in the direction of the side entrance that would lead them to the parking lot. As soon as they reached the door Tommy stopped him, backing him into the shadows in the far corner of the hallway.

"Tommy, what if…" Merton began, only to stop abruptly when Tommy reached out and pressed his fingers to Merton's lips.

"Nobody ever uses this door," he said, glancing over his shoulder automatically to make sure that he was right and no one had followed them.

When he turned back to Merton he smiled almost shyly, and Merton bit back a groan as he closed his hand around the front of Tommy's shirt and yanked him forward. That was all the encouragement the taller boy needed, and he eagerly parted his lips to meet Merton's tongue as he pressed the other boy into the wall. A week was definitely too long to go without kissing Tommy, without feeling his hands on Merton's skin and their bodies pressed together. The urge to push Tommy to the floor and start peeling his clothes off right there in the hallway was almost overwhelming, and it took everything in Merton not to act on it.

"Tommy," he gasped as he tore his lips away from the other boy's, his fingers tightening in Tommy's hair just enough to force the other boy to look at him, "this is a bad idea."

"Good idea," Tommy corrected him with a sigh as he uncurled his fingers from the hopeless mass of wrinkles on the front of Merton's shirt, "bad timing."

"Whatever," Merton said, struggling to focus through his lust-induced daze long enough to remember why he'd stopped them in the first place. "The point is we should go."

"Yeah, okay," Tommy said, pulling away reluctantly and running his hands through his hair. "So I'll see you in a few hours."

Merton nodded and pushed himself off the wall, glancing around to make sure no one was watching before he reached up and pushed a wave of light brown hair back from Tommy's forehead. "Right. See you then."

He picked up the backpack he'd dropped and followed Tommy through the door, waving absently as Tommy walked away from him. While he'd been pressed up against the wall with Tommy plastered to him he hadn't been thinking at all, but now that the surge of desire had subsided he remembered what he'd been about to ask Tommy in the hallway. The words were still on the tip of his tongue: _What if somebody sees us?_. It was exactly what Tommy thought he was going to ask, but he assumed Merton was as worried about getting caught as he was. Part of Merton still wanted to know the answer to that question, but not for the reason Tommy thought he did. He couldn't help wondering what would happen if someone saw them; would Tommy deny it and distance himself from Merton, or would he own up to who he was and live with the consequences?

A frustrated sigh escaped Merton's throat as he stopped next to the hearse and dug his keys out of his pocket, and he told himself not to be stupid. He already knew the answer to that question, there was no way Tommy was going to risk his standing at Pleasantville High for somebody like Merton. He'd worked too hard to get where he was, he wouldn't throw all that away for a guy he barely even knew. They just had to make sure they didn't get caught, because even though Tommy had a lot to lose, what Merton had to lose would cost him more than Tommy could imagine.


	15. Chapter 15

Merton's hands tightened reflexively on the steering wheel as he glanced over at Tommy, struggling against the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch the other boy. Tommy was sprawled in the passenger seat, his head back and his eyes closed as Merton passed the Pleasantville city limits sign. It was obvious how exhausted Tommy was from a week full of football and mid-terms, but when he'd showed up at Merton's house he'd seemed as anxious to see Merton as Merton had been to see him. He stole another glance at Tommy's profile, only to flush when he found Tommy staring back at him.

"Are you sure you want to do this tonight?" Merton asked before he could stop himself. He didn't want to turn around and take Tommy home, but he didn't want to go out if Tommy was going to have to fight to stay awake all night. "You're exhausted, Tommy, maybe you should just go home and get some sleep."

Tommy shook his head and turned toward Merton, a weary smile making him look younger than he was. "I have three weeks to catch up on sleep," he said. "I'm alright, honest. I mean it's been a really long week, but mostly because I spent the whole time thinking about tonight." He reached over and laid one hand on Merton's cheek, his thumb stroking along Merton's cheekbone for a moment before he pulled his hand away.

Merton's heart skipped a beat when Tommy's hand brushed his skin, and it took everything in him to keep his eyes on the road. The fact that Tommy had actually been thinking about the next time they'd see each other tugged at his heart in a way he didn't think was possible, and he slowly began to relax. "So no football practice during break?"

"Football season's over," Tommy answered, smiling indulgently at Merton's embarrassed expression. "State finals is like the high school version of the Superbowl. As soon as break's over basketball starts, though, so I'm sure my dad will be ragging on me to practice for the start of the season."

Merton frowned at the idea of Tommy spending his entire break getting ready for yet another sport that would take up all his free time, but he bit back the urge to comment on Tommy's father and his idea of good parenting. Not that Merton was an expert, but he knew his own parents would never put that much pressure on him to do something he didn't even seem to enjoy. "I forgot you were on the basketball team."

"I'm not the star so it's not as big a deal as football," Tommy answered. A soft sigh escaped his throat as he ran his hands over his face, rubbing his eyes to fight off another wave of exhaustion. "I'm not team captain, not that I'd want to be. Football's enough, I mean I don't mind playing basketball but I don't need all the responsibility, you know?"

"Not really," Merton said, a nervous grin tugging at the corners of his mouth as he glanced over at Tommy. "I mean I can imagine, but my parents pretty much just let me do my thing. As long as I keep my grades up they don't hassle me about what I do with my spare time."

"I wish," Tommy said, a wistful expression crossing his face as he opened his eyes again. "But it's only a few more months until graduation, then my dad might lighten up a little. I figure if I keep my grades up and do okay on the football team the first year he'll let me move into the dorm at least."

Merton frowned at the thought of Tommy still living at home under his father's impossible rules, his mind filled with all sorts of images of what life in Tommy's house must be like. "Yeah, but you'll be eighteen next year, right? So he doesn't have much to say about it after that."

"If I wasn't going to school on a full scholarship, maybe," Tommy answered. "But he's the one that got me the scholarship, he knows the coach at State. They used to play on the high school team together, so he called in some favors. That pretty much means my father and the coach own me for the next four years if I want to actually graduate."

Neither of them said anything else until Merton pulled into the parking lot at the movie theater and turned the engine off. He unbuckled his seat belt and looked over at Tommy, swallowing the surge of disappointment that welled up in him. Whatever was happening between them wouldn't last beyond the end of the school year if it even lasted that long, he'd known that from the start. So it shouldn't bother him that Tommy's life was contracted out to his own father for the next four years, it wasn't as though Merton was even going to be around to see him suffer. If everything worked out the way it was supposed to he'd be in Massachusetts, and he'd just be a distant memory for Tommy.

"Merton?" A hand landed on the back of his neck, fingers tracing a pattern on his nape and sending a shiver down his spine. "What'd I say?"

"Nothing," Merton answered quickly, his heart in his throat as he turned to face Tommy. Before his sense of better judgement caught up with him he reached for Tommy's hand, pulling it away from his neck and pressing a kiss to surprisingly soft skin. His heart raced as he let go of Tommy's hand again, his cheeks flushed as his brain registered what he'd done. It still felt strange to touch Tommy, even after the scene in the hallway at school that afternoon. Somehow he wasn't sure if he had the right to do something so intimate, he didn't know what lines he could and couldn't cross. "Everything's fine."

Tommy opened his mouth and then closed it again, his forehead furrowed as though he was wondering whether or not to argue. Finally he shook his head and leaned forward, planting a chaste kiss on Merton's lips before he looked away and cleared his throat. Merton smiled in spite of the tension between them as he watched Tommy avoid looking at him, thankful that at least he hadn't done anything to ruin things between them before they really started. He followed Tommy out of the car and into the theater, keeping his hands in the pockets of his jacket so he wouldn't be tempted to touch the other boy in public.

He wasn't even sure anymore what movie they were going to see, all he cared about was the fact that he and Tommy were together. The fact that they were in public was a thrill all on its own, but after the last few moments in the car he wouldn't have minded turning around and going back to his house. Still, the movie theater would be dark and they didn't really have to pay that much attention to the actual movie, and with any luck nobody they knew would bother to drive all the way to Henderson to see a bad B movie.

They bought their tickets and made their way into the dimly lit theater, sinking into a pair of velvet-upholstered seats near the back row. So far there were only a handful of other people in the theater, most of them older couples there on dates. Merton grinned and stole a glance at Tommy's profile, sucking in a sharp breath and looking away again as the urge to lean over and kiss Tommy overwhelmed him. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to the opposite side of the theater, his gaze falling on the door just as a group of kids around their age walked in. Merton's heart stopped and he sank a little lower into his seat as he watched three boys from his class walk in, first Paul and Chris and finally Alistair.

He stifled a groan as he felt Tommy shift next to him, his shoulder pressing into Merton's as he leaned closer. "You know those guys?"

"What guys?" Merton asked, swallowing convulsively as Tommy's breath hit his neck and sent a jolt of desire straight to the pit of his stomach. He couldn't deal with this; he couldn't sit next to Tommy in a dark theater while there were people around that knew them both. It had to be some kind of cruel joke, either that or there really was a God and Merton was paying for some crime he didn't know he'd committed.

"Those guys that just walked in," Tommy answered. "They go to our school, don't they?"

Merton watched as the three of them sat down close to the front of the theater, his heart in his throat as he willed the lights to go down before they started looking around. As soon as the thought formed in his head Alistair turned in his seat and looked right at them, though, and even from across the theater Merton caught the look of shocked recognition. "Yeah, I know them," Merton finally admitted. "They're in a few of my classes. Look, Tommy, maybe this was a bad idea."

For a split second Tommy seemed to be considering whether or not to agree with him, and Merton steeled himself against the surge of disappointment and straightened up. Before he got as far as standing up and heading for the exit, though, Tommy's hand closed on his shoulder and pushed him gently back into his seat. "Don't worry about it," Tommy said, although he didn't look nearly as confident as he sounded. "I mean we're just here to see the movie, right? We're not doing anything wrong."

Somehow Merton managed a weak grin in response, telling himself that he'd known this was the way it was going to be when he'd gotten involved with Tommy. Nobody could know, as far as the rest of the world was concerned they couldn't be anything more than friends. That didn't make it any easier to sit next to Tommy and pretend everything was fine, though, and it didn't make him any less nervous about what his friends were going to say the next time he saw them. He stole another glance toward the front of the theater, his heart skipping another beat when he found Alistair still watching them. He held the blonde's gaze for what felt like an eternity, only remembering to breathe when the lights in the theater began to dim and Alistair turned back toward the movie screen.

Finally the movie started and Merton relaxed marginally, sinking a little further into his seat. He watched the preview for the next vintage film on the theater's schedule without really registering it, his mind racing as he tried to decide whether or not he should be worried about Alistair spotting him and Tommy together. There was a time when he wouldn't have thought twice about it, but they're weren't exactly friends anymore and he wasn't sure what that meant. Then there was the question of what the news of their date would do to Tommy if it got out; even if Tommy managed to convince his friends that he and Merton was just friends he was pretty sure that would mean the end of anything between them.

A frustrated sigh escaped his throat before he could stop it, and he felt Tommy shift in the seat next to his. A moment later a hand landed on his thigh just above his knee, and he swallowed convulsively as strong fingers squeezed in what he guessed was supposed to be a comforting gesture. He reached down and covered Tommy's hand with his own, partly to stop those wonderful fingers from wandering any further and partly to feel the connection just for a second. He expected Tommy to pull away the moment their hands touched, but instead the taller boy twined their fingers together and glanced over at Merton. He could barely make out Tommy's smile in the darkness, but it was enough to make Merton forget all about Alistair and what was going to happen in January when they went back to school.

He tried to pay attention to the movie, but no matter how hard he tried to focus on the lame plot or the cheap special effects all he could think about was the feeling of Tommy's hand in his. It was strange how something as simple as holding hands could mean so much, he'd never thought about it before but just that small touch was enough to make Alistair and the rest of the world seem less important. The fact that Tommy was actually holding his hand in public made it even more exciting; granted it was nearly pitch black in the theater and he knew they'd have to let go before the lights came back up, but he almost didn't mind. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to handle sneaking around to see Tommy, but sitting next to him in the theater with their fingers entwined convinced him that it was worth it.

As soon as the thought formed in his mind Tommy leaned toward him, his breath warming Merton's neck as he whispered in his ear. "This is really bad."

Merton smiled in the darkness and turned instinctively in the direction of Tommy's voice. "It's worse than I thought it would be. There's only one set and the special effects are pathetic. Don't even get me started on the acting."

The sound of Tommy's soft laughter in the darkness sent a hot blush up Merton's neck and into his cheeks, but he barely had a chance to register his body's reaction to the sound before he felt Tommy's lips on the soft skin below his ear. He barely managed to swallow a gasp as Tommy planted a series of kisses along the column of his neck before he pulled his mouth away again. "So can we get out of here?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Merton murmured as Tommy pulled his hand out of Merton's grasp and stood up, urging the other boy out of his seat. Merton ignored the rush of nerves that hit him as Tommy pushed him toward the exit, feeling his way along the aisle in the darkness. Finally they found the door and hurried across the lobby of the small theater, neither of them daring to look at each other until they reached the car. Tommy slid into the passenger seat as soon as Merton unlocked the door for him, reaching out and closing his hand around Merton's wrist before he could start the car.

"You sure you don't mind leaving?" he asked, his expression so earnest that Merton couldn't help laughing.

"No, Tommy, I don't mind." It was probably just as well considering Alistair and his other friends were still inside, but he didn't bother pointing that out to Tommy. "It was a dumb movie anyway."

Tommy grinned and pulled Merton toward him, leaning forward to press their lips together. Merton responded eagerly, any thoughts of Alistair and what would happen if the other boy followed them out of the theater forced to the back of his mind as Tommy urged his lips apart. The confined space of the front seat made the angle a little awkward, but somehow they managed to press most of their torsos together. Merton buried his hands in the soft waves of Tommy's hair, a muted gasp escaping his throat as Tommy's hands wandered under his coat to trail across his stomach.

The urge to press himself even closer to Tommy was almost overwhelming; he needed more and judging from the way Tommy clutched at his hips it was obvious he did too, even if he wasn't sure exactly what it was he wanted. Merton groaned low in his throat and tore his lips away from Tommy's, panting as he trailed his fingers through the other boy's hair. Tommy's eyes were open but they were dilated and he obviously wasn't focusing on anything in particular, his lips still parted invitingly. Merton pulled away reluctantly and leaned back against the driver's seat, closing his eyes as he willed his hormones back under control.

"It's still early," Tommy said when he caught his breath, stretching his arm across the back of the seat and letting his fingers brush Merton's collar.

"We could go back to my house," Merton offered, glancing hopefully over at Tommy. "Unless you're tired. I mean if you just want to go home…"

"No, I like your house."

The words came out in a rush, and shock hit Merton at the same time as a surge of hope that he had something to do with the look on Tommy's face. It was a mixture of hope and awe, as though Tommy was somehow surprised that Merton had invited him back to his place. It wasn't like it was the first time he'd been there, but now that Merton thought about it Tommy had pretty much invited himself over every time he'd been to Merton's house. He grinned and reached for the keys, turning his attention back to driving as he started the car and headed back to Pleasantville.

"My mom wants you to come over for dinner again," he said as casually as he could manage, keeping his gaze locked on the road in front of him as he pointed the car out of town. "If you want."

"Really? Yeah, I mean I like your parents. They're great."

Merton smiled and stole a glance at Tommy's profile, taking in the curve of his jaw and the way his hair curled in fine wisps around his ears. He wanted to pinch himself to make sure the past two months hadn't all been some weird dream, but then again if it was a dream he never wanted to wake up. It would be easier to believe that he'd somehow slipped into a coma and invented the past two months than it was to believe that it was actually happening, yet there Tommy right next to him. His hand was still resting on Merton's shoulder just below his collar, and Merton could still feel the pressure of Tommy's mouth crushing his. He reached up unconsciously and touched his lips, as much to convince himself that he wasn't hallucinating as to memorize the way Tommy's mouth felt against his.

As soon as he realized what he was doing he pulled his hand away, blushing in the darkness of the car as he ventured another glance at Tommy to make sure the other boy wasn't watching him. Tommy's eyes were closed again, his expression peaceful as the motion of the car lulled him into relaxation. The only thing letting Merton know that he wasn't asleep was the sensation of Tommy's fingers moving at the base of his neck, tracing tiny circles against Merton's skin. He relaxed a little further into the touch and forced himself to focus on the road.

The trip back to his house felt twice as long as usual, but when he finally pulled up to the curb and turned off the engine Tommy opened his eyes and looked over at Merton. "You sure your parents don't mind if I keep showing up like this?"

Merton grinned at Tommy's nervous expression and pulled the keys out of the ignition before he answered. "Believe me, they don't mind. They think you're great, I think they like you better than they like me. Besides, they might not even be home. I thought I heard my mom say something about an event at the university tonight."

"Oh." Tommy swallowed and cleared his throat before turning away from Merton, yanking the passenger door open and letting himself out of the car. For a long moment Merton sat in the car and watched him, frowning as he tried to convince himself he was imagining things. Tommy wasn't actually nervous, was he? It wasn't like he'd never been to Merton's house before, he knew Merton's whole family. He played his last words over in his mind, realization slowly dawning on him. He hadn't thought anything of it when he'd mentioned the fact that his parents might be out, but obviously that meant something to Tommy.

Finally he marshaled his legs into action and pulled the door open, hurrying to catch up with Tommy before he reached the front door. He figured he should say something to reassure Tommy that he hadn't invited him over with any ulterior motives in mind; it wasn't entirely true but he certainly wasn't interested in rushing Tommy into anything he didn't want to do. He definitely preferred his partners willing, but he got the feeling that it wasn't so much that Tommy didn't want to as he wasn't sure how to begin. Thankfully for both of them Merton had a little experience in that arena, and he flashed Tommy what he hoped was a reassuring grin as they stopped at the front door.

"Listen, Tommy," he began, but the sound of footsteps on the sidewalk behind them stopped him from continuing. They both looked back toward the street in time to watch Merton's parents turn up the walkway toward them, and Merton swallowed a sigh and forced himself to smile at his parents.

"You boys are back early," his mother said as she brushed past Merton to unlock the door.

"Yeah, the movie was pretty bad," Tommy answered. "I hope it's okay if we hang out here for awhile."

"Don't be silly," she said, glancing over her shoulder long enough to smile at Tommy. "Merton's friends are always welcome. Are you hungry? I'm sure I can come up with something…"

She kept up a running commentary as she disappeared in the direction of the kitchen, Tommy on her heels. Merton stood in the doorway and watched the two of them walk away, only remembering that his father was still standing behind him when he heard a throat clear. He turned slowly, hoping his confusion and disappointment wasn't written all over his face. "Hey, Dad. I thought you guys were at some party."

"Just a cocktail party, they never run late," his father answered, smiling sympathetically as he put his arm around Merton and steered him into the house. When they reached the kitchen Tommy was already seated at the kitchen table, a glass of milk in front of him as he watched Mrs. Dingle pull ingredients out of the cupboards. Mr. Dingle smiled and pulled his coat off, dropping it over the back of a chair as he began working on his tie. "Looks like she's already working on her famous triple chocolate brownies."

"I still say she should have been a chef," Merton said as he sank into the chair next to Tommy.

Mrs. Dingle smiled as she looked up from the chocolate she was melting. "Getting paid to cook would take all the fun out of it. Besides, if I did this for a living I'd never have time to feed my family, and I'm sure you'd get sick of having your father's waffles for dinner every night after a few months."

"Good point." Merton glanced over at Tommy, some of the tension flowing out of him as Tommy met his gaze and smiled.

"Tommy, if you're still interested in that tour of the campus I can take you boys into the office with me tomorrow," Mr. Dingle said as he picked up his discarded coat and jacket. "I've got some paperwork to catch up on but the campus will be pretty well deserted this weekend, and I'm sure Merton wouldn't mind showing you around."

Tommy glanced over at Merton, raising one eyebrow in a silent question. Merton shrugged in answer, careful not to let his emotions show on his face. "It's up to you," he said. "If you don't already have something going on."

"No, I mean that sounds great. Thanks," Tommy said as he turned back to Mr. Dingle. "You sure it's okay?"

"No problem at all," the older man answered, patting Tommy on the shoulder before he crossed to the kitchen door. As soon as he was gone Tommy turned back to the table, catching Merton's eye and grinning nervously. Merton smiled back, adrenaline flooding his veins at the thought of spending the whole day with Tommy tomorrow. Suddenly he didn't mind so much that his parents had showed up at exactly the wrong moment, not if it meant he got Tommy to himself for a whole day.


	16. Chapter 16

"Alright, I'll be in my office, why don't you guys meet me there around lunchtime and we'll go find something to eat," Merton's father said as he parked in the faculty parking lot and turned to look at his son.

"Sure, Dad," Merton answered as they got out of the car. He glanced over at the Physics building and then back at Tommy, struggling against the smile that was threatening to form. Tommy was oblivious to anything he and his father had said as he looked around the mall at the center of campus, his eyes wide as he took in the sheer size of the area.

Merton waited until his father turned in the direction of the Physics building before he walked over to Tommy, tugging gently on his sleeve to get his attention. "Tommy? Anything in particular you wanted to see?"

He knew it was just a reflex, Tommy didn't even think as he reached out and grabbed Merton's hand. Still, it was all Merton could do not to implode from the sensation of Tommy holding his hand in public in broad daylight. Granted there weren't many people around and no one was paying any attention to them, but it was still mind-blowing to have Tommy reach for his hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. As soon as Tommy realized what he'd done he looked down at their entwined fingers, his eyes even wider and raw fear clear in his expression. Merton stifled a sigh and squeezed Tommy's hand before he let go, telling himself he knew better than to think they were just going to wander around campus like a couple. They were still in Pleasantville, and there was still a risk that they'd run into someone that knew Tommy.

"You want to start anywhere in particular?" Merton asked again, doing his best not to let his disappointment show. Tommy was looking at him with a mixture of relief and total misery, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep his cool if they didn't find something to distract them fast. This definitely wasn't how he planned to start their day together, but as long as they were together he was going to make the most of it.

Tommy shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing around at the sea of buildings surrounding them. "Not really. I mean I'm not really sure where to start. I've never done this before."

Merton grinned and nodded in the direction of the student union, his own hands securely in his pockets so he wouldn't be tempted to touch Tommy again. "That's the student union, you wanna go look around? I mean they'll show you some of this stuff at orientation too but at least it's warm in there."

"Yeah, sure," Tommy answered, although he didn't sound like he was really interested in where they were going. Merton stole a curious glance at the other boy but Tommy seemed to be having a staring contest with the sidewalk in front of him, and Merton couldn't help wondering if things were getting too intense for him already. They hadn't even done anything, not really, but if a single touch at the wrong time was going to throw Tommy off this much then Merton was going to have to brace himself for their relationship to be over before it even started.

If he could call what they had a relationship – he wasn't sure what it was they were doing, but he wasn't about to ask Tommy. For one thing, he was starting to think that Tommy was even more confused than he was, and for another he didn't want to ruin what they had by forcing Tommy to talk about it. He might not be the Golden Boy everyone at school saw him as, but Tommy was still most definitely a guy and from what Merton knew about him so far he wasn't much of a talker. Lori seemed to know a lot about him, though, which meant that Tommy talked to her, at least about some things. He smiled to himself as he wondered what Tommy would tell her when she got back from Switzerland, whether there would be anything to tell besides a few kisses and a lot of awkward silence.

"What?"

Merton glanced up sharply as he realized he was still smiling, meeting Tommy's gaze and doing his best to force his expression back to neutral. "Nothing. I was just…you know if you want we could stop by whatever programs you're interested in and pick up some materials. Any idea what you want to major in?"

"I told you already," Tommy said, confusion marring his features. "Sports medicine or mass communication."

"Yeah, I know what your dad wants you to major in," Merton said, swallowing a surge of nervous tension as he wondered if Tommy would consider what he was about to say as crossing some kind of line. "That doesn't mean you have to do it. You can do whatever you want with your life, Tommy. It's your future."

He wasn't sure how he'd expected Tommy to react, but as soon as he closed his mouth he stole another glance at the taller boy to find him smiling sadly and shaking his head. "It doesn't work that way for everybody, Merton. I mean yeah, your parents are great and they let you live your life. I'm just lucky my dad's letting me go to college at all after what my brother did."

They stopped in front of the student union and Merton reached for the door, struggling not to react to the feeling of Tommy's body heat radiating off him as the other boy stopped just behind him. He knew if he just leaned back a little he'd be pressed against Tommy's chest, and he couldn't help wishing he could just do it without thinking about the consequences. There was no way he could, though; Tommy was already somebody on campus before he even enrolled there and if the coach or any of the team happened by it would ruin everything Tommy had worked for.

Merton swallowed against twin surges of fear and desire, wondering idly when those two emotions had become more or less the same feeling. He pulled the door open and stepped inside, putting as much distance between himself and Tommy as he could without making it obvious that he was having trouble controlling himself. Tommy was already looking around the lounge area, though, taking in the rows of overstuffed chairs and couches where a handful of students were studying or sleeping.

"This is pretty much self-explanatory," Merton said, gesturing toward the seating area. "There are restaurants and vending machines downstairs, tables too if you don't want to run the risk of falling asleep while you're trying to study. Campus information's over there." He pointed at the kiosk in the center of the room, where a very bored-looking student was sitting behind rows of campus maps and bus schedules.

"What's upstairs?" Tommy asked, glancing in the direction of the stairs leading to the third floor.

Merton shrugged and turned toward the stairs, suddenly wishing Lori hadn't told him anything about Tommy or his family. He knew Tommy was wondering why he hadn't asked what happened with his brother, he wasn't supposed to know but he'd never been much of an actor. Maybe he should have just asked and let Tommy tell him the story again, but they hadn't even been on campus half an hour and things were already getting tense between them. After last night he'd hoped they could just forget about real life for awhile and enjoy spending time together, but he was starting to wonder if it was possible to escape their reality even for a few minutes.

"Mostly there are just offices up here," Merton said as they climbed the stairs. When they reached the third floor he stopped and glanced down the hall, his heart in his throat as he realized they were the only ones up there. "Student organizations, I think. There's a dining room at the other end for big events, we had an awards night in there for a summer program I did on campus last year. It's pretty much deserted during finals week, though."

"So there's nobody up here?" Tommy asked, taking a few steps closer to Merton as he glanced down the hall to make sure they really were alone.

"I guess someone could be in one of the offices," Merton answered, his voice trailing off as Tommy closed a hand around his arm and pushed him back toward the stairwell. His heart began to pound against his ribcage as they stopped in the shadowy recess just next to the entrance to the stairs, his gaze darting down the hall again as he realized that anyone coming out of one of the offices could still see them. He opened his mouth to tell Tommy that this was a dangerous idea, but when he looked at the other boy again Tommy was leaning back against the wall with his eyes closed. Merton's stomach flipped and he forgot about the possibility of someone seeing them, his heart in his throat as he leaned on the wall next to Tommy and reached out to touch his arm.

This time when Tommy caught his hand Merton let him, entwining their fingers together as Tommy opened his eyes to look over at him. He let Tommy pull him forward, his free hand landing on the taller boy's chest as Tommy leaned forward and fused their lips together. He parted his lips under the insistent urging of Tommy's tongue, sighing into the kiss as he tasted Tommy for the first time that day. He didn't think it was possible to miss someone's touch in just twelve hours, but as soon as their lips met he realized how much he'd missed kissing Tommy.

A strong hand landed on his hip and a moment later he found himself flattened against the wall, grateful for Tommy's body pressed against his. He was sure the welcome weight of the taller boy pressing him into the wall was the only thing keeping him standing, and he pulled his hand out of Tommy's to slide his arms around Tommy's back. His hands found their way to the taller boy's hair, gripping the back of Tommy's head as he urged him even closer. He could feel how much Tommy wanted him as their hips ground together, and he wanted to laugh and cry and thank whatever higher power had given him this moment, even if it was all he ever got of Tommy.

He knew the situation could easily get out of hand, but even the thought of someone catching them turned him on and he found himself pulling Tommy closer instead of pushing him away. Their tongues slid together as Tommy's hands wandered under his shirt to stroke his stomach, evoking a muffled gasp from Merton as his hips bucked up. Tommy tore his mouth away from the other boy's and slowly pulled his hand away from Merton's stomach, their bodies still pressed together as he dropped his head to Merton's shoulder and panted for breath.

"Sorry," he mumbled, and he sounded so miserable that Merton wasn't sure whether to be mad at him for stopping or mad at himself for letting it get that far. He let his hand fall away from Tommy's hair, reaching up to cup the other boy's cheek. Tommy still didn't open his eyes, but Merton decided to take it as a sign that they hadn't just ruined everything when Tommy turned his face into the touch.

"It's okay," Merton said, doing his best to keep his voice even as his breathing slowly returned to normal. He knew he was going to spend the rest of the day distracted and uncomfortable, and he had the feeling that Tommy would be in pretty much the same boat. Part of him wanted to just forge ahead and take the edge off right there in the hallway or at the very least find a bathroom somewhere, but as much as he wanted him the thought of suggesting to Tommy that their first time take place in a bathroom didn't appeal to him. "Just bad timing."

Finally Tommy opened his eyes and Merton let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, smiling gently as Tommy's mouth twitched in a sheepish grin. Before he had a chance to talk himself out of it Merton leaned forward, brushing the other boy's lips with his again before he reluctantly pulled away. He wasn't sure how he was going to get through the rest of the tour, let alone lunch with his father. All he wanted to do was take Tommy home and lock them in his bedroom, to finally get some privacy so they could take their time and see where things went. He had a pretty good idea where things would go if they stayed pressed together against the wall for much longer, though, so he gently pushed Tommy off him and readjusted his shirt as he turned back toward the stairs.

He didn't look at Tommy again until they were back outside, thankful for the cold winter air as it hit his fevered skin. He left his jacket open as his body temperature slowly dropped, his hands in his pockets again as he looked over at Tommy. The other boy's lips were still swollen and his eyes looked a little glassy, and Merton stifled a groan and looked away again as they started down the sidewalk toward the medical school. "Sports medicine is over here, I think," Merton said, gesturing in the direction of a tall building at the end of the block.

Tommy nodded mutely and fell into step beside him, stealing nervous glances at Merton every so often as they made their way down the nearly deserted sidewalk. It was all Merton could do not to stop and force Tommy to look at him, but he knew if he did that he'd just end up kissing him again instead of reassuring Tommy that everything was fine. The first time they kissed he'd been fairly sure that it was Tommy's first time kissing a guy, but he'd never really given much thought to what the other boy's relative inexperience meant for them. It helped that Tommy was enthusiastic, but seeing Tommy Dawkins unsure about anything was more than a little unsettling.

"What happened with your brother?" Merton asked suddenly, wincing at the desperate tone of his voice but hopeful that the change of subject would ease the tension between them a little.

This time when Tommy looked at him Merton met his gaze, his heart skipping a beat when Tommy smiled at him. "My brother used to be the big football star," he said, his smile fading as soon as he started talking about his family. "Before I even started high school he was the star quarterback, everybody's idea of the all-American dream, you know? My dad…I swear he didn't even know I existed until Dean blew it. He never talked to me, never even looked at me before Dean went to college. Sometimes I miss that." He stopped talking and glanced over at Merton, smiling at the shock Merton didn't quite manage to keep from showing in his eyes.

"I know how that sounds, believe me. I mean when I was a kid all I wanted was for my dad to notice me, just to stop obsessing about Dean for long enough to realize he had another kid. He didn't, though, not until Dean got busted for possession and failed out of school. After that my dad finally noticed that I was doing okay in JV football, I guess he figured I was his last shot at having a pro in the family."

Merton swallowed hard against the lump of anger threatening to choke him; anger at Tommy's father for being such a bastard, and at his brother for making such a mess of things that Tommy didn't get to choose his own future. A tiny part of him that he didn't want to acknowledge was even a little mad at Tommy for not standing up for himself and telling his father to go to hell. "So your brother screwed up and that means you have to make up for his mistakes?"

Tommy shrugged and stopped walking, ignoring the cold as he leaned against the wall of the medical building and looked at Merton. "Pretty much. It's not so bad, I mean I get to go to college at least. I'm lucky the coach here wanted me on the team bad enough to give me a scholarship, otherwise I'd be working in the garage where my dad works when I graduated."

It took a second for Merton to shake off the image of Tommy sweaty and grease-smeared as he rebuilt somebody's engine, but as soon as he did he realized what Tommy was telling him. Whether Merton understood it or not Tommy didn't have a lot of choices, and he was aware enough of that to be grateful for the chance to go to college at all. He forced himself to smile as casually as he could manage and took a few steps backwards in the direction of the medical building. "Alright, Sports Medicine it is, then," he said, a genuine smile tugging at his mouth when Tommy grinned at him and pushed himself off the wall.

They spent the rest of the morning wandering around campus, although whether or not Tommy actually got anything out of what passed for a tour Merton wasn't sure. He couldn't bring himself to care, though; the fact was that they were together and that was enough for him. He didn't get another chance to touch Tommy after what happened in the student union, but he was pretty sure that was a good thing. Despite the fact that it was cold enough to snow he still felt too warm just standing next to Tommy, and if they touched again before they were alone he wasn't sure if he'd be able to stop himself.

Just the knowledge that Tommy wanted him enough to risk almost losing control in a public hallway was enough to make his jeans painfully tight, and he did his best not to think about it as they made their way back to the Physics building to meet his father. They were halfway up the stairs to the third floor when Tommy stopped him, his hand on Merton's arm as he turned the smaller boy to face him.

"I just wanted to say thanks," Tommy said, his gaze shifting nervously from Merton's face to his chest. "You know, for doing this. I know your dad kinda volunteered you."

Merton's eyes widened as he listened to Tommy talk, and he found himself wondering how Tommy could think that Merton wouldn't give his right arm for any excuse to spend time with him. He wasn't even sure what to say, even if he wanted to tell Tommy how he felt about him he didn't think he could put it into words. He didn't even know himself, although he was starting to get the feeling that he was in over his head. "It was no problem, Tommy," he finally said, wincing as his voice caught in his throat. "It might have been a waste of your time, though. I mean they show you all this stuff at orientation, and it's not like I really know what I'm talking about."

"You know a lot more than me," Tommy said, and suddenly Merton wasn't sure if they were talking about campus anymore. The way Tommy looked at him when he said the words sent a shiver straight down his spine, and before he could stop himself he leaned forward and fused their lips together. Tommy groaned and slid his arms around Merton's waist, nearly pulling the other boy off the step he was standing on in his urgency to get closer. All Merton could do was hold on and hope that nobody happened to open the door to the stairwell, not that he was sure he'd be able to stop even if they did.

If Tommy was thinking at all about getting caught he wasn't showing it; in fact as far as Merton could tell he was too busy working on defying several laws of Physics to worry about who might catch them. He couldn't help smiling at the randomness of the thought, wrapping his arms a little more tightly around Tommy's neck as he kissed him with as much enthusiasm as he'd ever done anything in his life. When they finally came up for air again Tommy smiled and released his vice grip on Merton's waist, clearing his throat as he took a step backwards and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"For the record," Merton said as he leaned against the wall and waited for his knees to stop wobbling, "I wanted to do this. Show you around, I mean." He blushed and looked away as he realized what he'd said, only to blush even harder when Tommy chuckled and moved a little closer.

"Well thanks again," Tommy said, his breath hitting Merton's neck and sending another shiver down his spine. Merton stifled a sigh as Tommy's lips brushed his neck just below his ear, forcing his legs to carry him up the stairs when Tommy pulled away again. He'd never looked forward less to seeing one of his parents, but the thought of sitting through a meal with his father while he could still feel Tommy's mouth on his neck was torture enough. He had no idea how he was going to sit at the same table as Tommy and act normal, let alone carry on a conversation. He took a deep breath and willed himself not to even glance at Tommy as he led the way to his father's office, praying that at least his father wouldn't notice how distracted he was.


	17. Chapter 17

"Any plans for today?" Merton's mother asked as she scanned the headlines of the paper.

Merton scowled into his breakfast without bothering to look up. He didn't need anyone reminding him of the fact that not only did he not have plans for the day, but he hadn't heard a word from Tommy since they spent the day together at the University. After lunch his father had driven them home, but Tommy couldn't stay for the rest of the afternoon and since then he hadn't heard a word. He'd spent the past two days replaying everything that happened that day, trying to come up with the moment when Tommy decided that whatever they were doing wasn't worth the risk.

"Merton, honey? You feeling alright?"

"I'm fine," he answered, shrugging away from his mother's hand as she reached out to feel his forehead. "I've got some research to do today for an English paper."

She pulled her hand back and stood up, reaching for Merton's plate. "Homework during the first week of your vacation?"

"Might as well get it over with," Merton said. He didn't bother to add that he didn't have anything else to do, he was pretty sure she was just dying for him to mention Tommy and he really didn't want to have that conversation. He still didn't know what his parents thought of his friendship with Tommy, but he was pretty sure he didn't want to know. The less he had to think about it, in fact, the easier it would be when he had to go back to school and pretend nothing had happened between them.

That was the thought that had been keeping him awake at night; the idea of getting back to school in January and having Tommy pretend they didn't know each other. He knew he was probably overreacting, but every day that passed without hearing from him made Merton a little more nervous. Eventually he'd resigned himself to the fact that Tommy had probably just changed his mind, that he'd decided he didn't really like Merton or it wasn't worth having to sneak around to see each other. None of those things fell into the category of subjects he wanted to discuss with his mother, though, so he prayed she'd just let it go as he stood up and carried his juice glass to the sink.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?" his mother asked, evoking a frustrated groan from Merton as he turned to face her. Obviously she wasn't planning to let it go after all, but at least she hadn't come right out and asked about Tommy. He had no idea if he'd be able to hide his misery if either of his parents forced him to talk about Tommy, at least if they didn't mention him Merton could just pretend he was preoccupied with homework.

He forced himself to smile, hoping his expression passed for cheerful. "Nothing to talk about, Mom." He could see her grasping for some other way to ask him the same question as she frowned at him, and he brushed past her toward the entrance to the kitchen before she came up with a new way to ask him what was wrong. Before he made it out of the line of fire the door swung in, and he stifled a groan as he found himself face to face with his father.

"Morning," Mr. Dingle said, his smile fading as he glanced over at his wife and then back at Merton. He could tell by his dad's expression that he was about to ask the same question his mother had been asking him all morning, and he inched a little closer to the door in the vain hope that he'd make it out of the kitchen before his parents started in on him. "Merton, I saw your friend Tommy yesterday."

Merton froze with his hand on the door, taking a deep breath before he turned back to face his father. The older man was sitting at the kitchen table already, a cup of coffee next to him as he unfolded the paper. He hadn't looked up at Merton yet, but it was obvious from the way he pointedly ignored his son that he was just waiting for Merton to ask what he was talking about. "Where?" Merton asked, his mind racing as he wondered where his father would have run into Tommy.

His father took his time answering, slowing turning the page he was reading and picking up his coffee before he looked up again. "He changed the oil in the Volvo," he finally said, his eyebrows raised as he looked over at his son. "I had no idea he worked with his father."

That was news to Merton too; Tommy had mentioned that it was what he'd be doing if he didn't go to college, but it had never dawned on him that Tommy might have to work there over break. He couldn't help wondering why Tommy hadn't mentioned that to him while they were together on Saturday, but they hadn't really spent a lot of time talking about their plans for break. In fact they never really talked about the next time they'd see each other, Tommy would just show up out of nowhere and assume that Merton didn't have anything better to do. He felt a surge of resentment creeping up and he shook it off, reminding himself that it was just as much his fault that their relationship didn't make any sense.

He never asked Tommy what they were doing, he wasn't good at talking about those kinds of things. He hadn't been any good at it in the one other relationship he'd been in either, if he could even call it that. A heavy sigh escaped his throat before he could stop it, and he looked up again to find both his parents staring at him. "You didn't talk to him, did you?"

As soon as he saw his father's reaction to the question he regretting asking it, but the thought of his father trying to talk to Tommy right in front of Tommy's dad was more than a little unsettling. Not that Merton's father knew anything, at least he hadn't said anything if he suspected there was something going on between the two of them. Still, even the fact that Tommy and Merton were friends could cause Tommy problems at home. For all Merton knew Tommy wasn't even supposed to talk to anyone that wasn't on the football team, and if his father found out that Tommy was spending time with him he might decide Tommy had too much free time on his hands and find something else to keep him busy.

Panic flooded him suddenly as he wondered if that was what happened to keep Tommy from coming over or even calling all week. If someone that knew his father had seen them together on campus, his father might have decided that it was best to keep Tommy busy so he didn't have time for new friends. Maybe he even told Tommy that he couldn't spend time with Merton, that hanging out with one of the smart kids was bad for his image and he had a football career to think about.

His father cleared his throat and Merton blinked, his face flushing as he realized he'd been staring at the older man for a full minute. "I said hello to him," Mr. Dingle finally said, his tone telling Merton that he was about to ask a question Merton didn't want to answer. "He wasn't exactly in a position to have a conversation while he worked on the car. Why would it matter if I spoke to him?"

"It wouldn't," Merton answered automatically, dropping his gaze to the linoleum as a wave of humiliation washed over him. He didn't want his father to think he was embarrassed by him, but he didn't want to admit why talking to Tommy in front of other people was a bad idea. Maybe his parents already knew anyway, they certainly looked like they knew _something_. The only problem was that Merton wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were thinking. "Just forget I said anything."

"Merton, honey," his mother said as she sank into the chair next to his father, "you know you can come to us. About anything."

He rolled his eyes, not bothering to check a groan this time. "There's nothing to talk about," he said for what felt like the hundredth time that morning, avoiding both their gazes as he turned back toward the door. "I've gotta go work on my English homework."

When he reached his room he shut the door and leaned against it, closing his eyes and praying neither of them would follow him. He listened for the sound of footsteps in the hall, finally relaxing a little when he was met with silence. Slowly he pushed himself off the door and made his way over to his desk, slumping into his chair and turning on his computer. He knew he wasn't going to be able to concentrate on his English paper, but he could distract himself by doing some research online and maybe he wouldn't waste his entire day trying to figure out what was going on with Tommy.

This wasn't the way his year was supposed to go; he was supposed to focus on school, keep his grades up and graduate with honors. After that he'd leave Pleasantville behind and high school would just be one long, bad memory, something he could push to the back of his mind and never think about again. Only Tommy had to come along at the worst possible time, and he had to develop an interest in Merton. If Tommy had just left well enough alone he wouldn't be in this mess, but obviously the other boy had been looking for someone to experiment with. That had to be it; Tommy chose him because he knew Merton wouldn't say anything, and there was no way Merton would have been able to resist him.

Only that wasn't how it felt when they were together, when they were alone and Tommy held his hand or even just put an arm around him while they watched a movie. That wasn't how it felt when they kissed, and sometimes Merton even found himself wondering if Tommy wanted to get caught. He took risks that surprised Merton, like kissing him in school or wanting to go to the movies where they could run into anyone they knew.

The whole situation was way too confusing, and he knew he was never going to be able to figure it out. When they were together he got the feeling that Tommy really liked him, more than just experimenting with someone he knew he could trust. They were apart a lot more than they were together, though, and that gave Merton way too much time to obsess about what was going on in Tommy's head. He didn't want to worry about it; he didn't want to care so much whether or not Tommy really liked him or if he was just playing some kind of game. There was no way he could stop it, though. Whether he liked it or not, he was in way over his head when it came to Tommy Dawkins.

~

The sound of the doorbell jolted Merton out of an uneasy sleep, and he pushed himself off his bed and blinked as he struggled to get his bearings. He remembered vaguely his parents leaving for the day, and he remembered finally giving up on the pretense of studying and throwing himself down on his bed. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he hadn't really been sleeping well since the weekend and he must have nodded off.

When the doorbell rang again he remembered what had woken him up, and he pushed himself off the bed and shivered against the chill in his bedroom. He grabbed a black button-down to pull over his Cure T-shirt and pulled his bedroom door open, rubbing his eyes as he made his way to the front door. When he pulled it open and realized who was standing on his doorstep he paled, his hands smoothing his hair back as he wondered how bad he looked.

"Hey," Tommy said, his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he looked Merton up and down. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sorry," Merton muttered, standing aside to let Tommy brush past him. He steeled himself against the scent of fabric softener and worn leather, wishing Tommy didn't look quite so good in his letterman jacket. "What are you doing here?"

When he shut the door and turned back to Tommy he swallowed hard, instantly regretting the question. Tommy was staring at the floor, his shoulders slumped and one hand clasped behind his neck. "I just wanted to see you," he said, finally looking up at Merton with eyes so full of regret that Merton had to remind himself to breathe. "I guess your dad told you he saw me."

"Yeah," Merton admitted, wrapping his arms around his chest as he tried to decide whether Tommy was there to apologize or because he really wanted to see him.

"My dad decided I should spend my free time doing something constructive." Merton watched as Tommy slid his letterman jacket off and tossed it on the bench in the foyer, his heart skipping a beat as he realized that the other boy planned on staying awhile. "I wanted to come over sooner, but he's been a complete psycho about letting me out lately."

Merton opened his mouth to remind Tommy that they did have a phone in his house, and that Tommy could have called if he couldn't come over. As soon as he realized what he was doing he snapped his jaw shut again, biting the insides of his cheeks to keep from saying anything stupid. This thing between them wasn't any kind of commitment, they hadn't laid out any rules and Tommy didn't even owe him a phone call. He'd gone into it with his eyes wide open, and if he wanted it to keep going he was going to have to find a way to deal with it. "It's alright, Tommy. You don't owe me an explanation."

He wasn't sure what Tommy had expected him to say, but he knew that was the wrong response when he watched Tommy's eyes cloud. A second later the other boy blinked and whatever Merton had seen in his eyes was gone, but he could see that Tommy was struggling not to say whatever was on his mind. He stifled a sigh and wished not for the first time that he was better at these kinds of things, taking a few steps forward and reaching out to flatten his palm against Tommy's chest. He kept his gaze locked on his hand, willing his fingers not to shake as he breathed in Tommy's scent. "I'm glad you're here," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

A strong hand came up to cover his, long fingers dwarfing his own as Tommy's other hand landed on his hip and pulled him forward. He had a split second to register the feeling of being pressed against Tommy again before the other boy's lips were moving against his, and Merton sighed into the kiss and slid his free hand behind Tommy's neck to urge him even closer. A few hours ago he'd assumed that this was never going to happen again, that for some reason Tommy had changed his mind and gone back to life without Merton in it. He wondered vaguely if he was still asleep and dreaming Tommy standing in his foyer kissing him for all he was worth, but he could feel Tommy's heart racing under his palm and he could sense the hesitation in the other boy's kiss.

When they finally had to part for air Tommy let go of Merton's hand to trail his fingers through the other boy's hair, a crooked grin lighting up his features as he met Merton's slightly dazed expression. "Did I wake you up?"

"What makes you think that?" Merton asked, his stomach flipping at the mischievous spark in Tommy's eyes.

"I've never seen your hair less than perfect, for one," Tommy answered, strong fingers trailing through spikes that stuck out at even more crazy angles than usual. He leaned forward again and nuzzled Merton's neck, sending a shiver down the other boy's spine as soft lips brushed across his skin. "Plus you smell like sleep."

Merton grinned sheepishly when Tommy pulled back, his fears about Tommy not wanting to see him anymore replaced by a different kind of nervousness. "I guess I sorta fell asleep," he admitted. "I was trying to study and I got bored."

"You got bored studying?" Tommy's lips quirked into a teasing grin, his eyebrows raised skeptically. "Now there's something I never thought I'd hear."

"Trust me, if you'd ever tried to read 'Beowulf' you'd know why," Merton answered, pulling away from Tommy to back toward the family room. "You wanna watch a movie or something? I just got 'Hellraiser' on DVD."

"Pinhead, one of my favorite bad guys," Tommy said, grinning indulgently as he followed Merton into the family room and took a seat at the end of the couch. Merton took his time putting the movie in, willing his body back under control before he turned back to Tommy. As soon as he did he knew he was fighting a losing battle; the mere sight of Tommy leaning back against the couch cushions made him instantly hard. He cursed his rampant hormones and hoped Tommy wouldn't notice, sinking down onto the couch and letting Tommy pull him back against the taller boy's shoulder.

"How'd you get out of working today?" Merton asked, keeping his gaze carefully focused on the screen as the opening credits began to roll.

The body underneath him shifted and he felt Tommy's lips brush his temple, stifling a contented sigh as the arm around his shoulders tightened. "They're really slow right now," Tommy answered, his breath warming Merton's cheek and sending a jolt of pleasure down his spine to center at his groin. "The only thing I did yesterday was change your dad's oil. The manager won't pay me to just hang around doing nothing, he's already got the full-time mechanics not doing anything. So my dad didn't make me go in with him."

Merton spared a moment to thank whoever was listening for the lack of mechanical emergencies in Pleasantville and settled a little further into Tommy. He had a lot to be thankful for if he stopped to think about it; his sister was spending most of her break at a friend's house, for one thing, and then there was the fact that his parents were both going to be on campus until dinner. That meant that he and Tommy had the entire house to themselves for the rest of the day, and it was barely lunch time.

"You wanna stay for dinner?" he asked, smiling to himself at the thought of spending the whole day with Tommy. "If you don't think your dad'll freak."

"I heard him and the guys at the shop say something about going out drinking tonight," Tommy said. "So he won't even be home until late, and he'll probably be too out of it to notice whether I'm there or not."

Merton's smile faltered at the thought of Tommy's dad coming home drunk, but he decided to look at it as a good thing. At least that meant Tommy didn't have to hurry home before his dad got off of work, and it meant they had the entire afternoon to themselves to do whatever came to mind. He turned his attention back to the movie, watching the familiar images unfold before him without really seeing them. He was much more interested in focusing on the way Tommy's arm felt around him, and the fact that they were stretched out on the couch like an actual couple.

He shifted as carefully as possible and swung one leg over Tommy's, his heart skipping a beat as he waited for Tommy to ask him what he was doing. For a second Tommy tensed against him, but before Merton had a chance to worry he relaxed again and kicked his shoes off. Merton reached up and entwined his fingers with the hand that was resting on his shoulder, smiling contentedly as Tommy squeezed his hand. It was going to be an interesting day, he decided as he settled in to watch the movie.


	18. Chapter 18

_I could definitely get used to this,_ Merton thought as Tommy shifted into a more comfortable position on the couch. Of course he knew he wouldn't really have a chance to get used to it considering the fact that this was the first time they'd really found themselves alone together, but it was still a nice thought. He stifled a sigh and turned to look at Tommy, careful not to put his weight on any sensitive body parts as the other boy looked down at him.

"You want anything to eat or anything?" Part of him hoped that Tommy would say no, just so he wouldn't have to leave the other boy's warmth even for the few minutes it would take to fix them something to eat.

To his relief Tommy shook his head, the hand that had been resting on Merton's shoulder trailing down his back as he shifted his weight so they were more or less face to face. "No, I'm good," Tommy murmured. Merton couldn't help smiling at the implication of the statement; he certainly wasn't inclined to disagree, but the fact that Tommy was steadily inching toward him tempered his amusement a little. Not that he was nervous exactly, but the fact remained that this really was the first time they'd been alone together with no chance of interruption.

The first brush of lips on lips sent a shiver of anticipation down his spine, but the angle was a little awkward so he turned even further into the body pressed against his. The shift brought them flush against one another on the couch, and Merton groaned against Tommy's mouth and wrapped his arms around the other boy's neck. He wasn't sure if Tommy had intended things to intensify this fast, or even if he'd thought at all about what might happen if they stayed tangled together on the couch for much longer. Whether or not the possibilities had occurred to him Tommy wasn't complaining, and before he knew what was happening he found himself pressed into the couch cushions with Tommy on top of him.

He thrust up automatically, hands wandering over every part of Tommy he could reach as he tried to pull him closer. Tommy's weight was solid and reassuring against him as they found a rhythm, mouths and tongues and limbs sliding together. And Tommy was stronger than he'd even realized, if the muscles straining in his arms and shoulders were any indication. He wondered idly how much effort it would take for Tommy to snap his wrist or crush the bones of his hand, but the thought didn't come with the usual rush of fear that it did when he was wondering the same thing about Tim or Travis. In fact he felt safer than he ever had in his life with Tommy stretched out on top of him, his hips rolling against Merton's and their mouths moving together as Tommy tried desperately to get just a little more.

The thought that Tommy might not even know what 'more' was exactly made Merton smile against the other boy's mouth, a rush of not quite fear rolling through him as he realized that he was the one with all the experience in the situation. Never in his life had he been more enthusiastic about teaching someone, although he wasn't sure he'd be able to slow Tommy down long enough to get control of the situation. Not this time, maybe, but there would be other times. That knowledge sent a surge of lust to his extremities and he thrust up convulsively, his hardness flush against Tommy's through the denim covering both their groins.

Clothes. Now there was a thought, and they were definitely wearing far too many so Merton shifted minutely to free one arm and began rectifying the situation. He slid one shaking hand under Tommy's shirt, smiling at the flash of tension and the shiver that rolled through the body on top of him as bare flesh made contact with bare flesh. Encouraged, he began working the cotton over Tommy's broad shoulders, inhaling a sharp breath as it hit him that this was _his_. Maybe not forever and maybe not even after today, but for right now Tommy was his and he was perfect. Everything about him was perfect, from the crooked smile to the quiet strength to the smooth expanses of skin stretched over taut muscle.

The whole time Tommy's mouth moved frantically against his, bruising his lips and sending shivers of want and near-desperate need through his system. "Tommy," he gasped, tearing his mouth away from the mouth that seemed intent on devouring him whole. "Tommy, wait, I want…"

The second he said the word 'wait' Tommy's eyes snapped open, and he saw the lust-crazed daze shift to confusion and then panicked humiliation as Tommy began to pull away. Merton cursed his bad habit of not thinking before he opened his mouth and tightened his grip on Tommy's arm, holding the much stronger boy close by sheer force of will. He smiled almost shyly at Tommy's confusion and tugged at the shirt that was already halfway up the other boy's chest. "I just want you to take your shirt off."

Tommy's eyes widened in stunned comprehension, and he hesitated only long enough to yank his shirt over his head. As soon as it hit the floor he dove for Merton's lips again, strong hands pushing the button-down Merton was wearing as far down his shoulders as it would go while Merton was trapped underneath him. It was all Merton could do not to laugh at the frustrated growl that escaped Tommy's throat, and he let himself be hauled into a half-sitting position long enough to pull the shirt off. Before he even let go of it his tee shirt was over his head and Tommy was pulling him forward again. He had to swallow a near-hysterical sob of relief as their bare skin finally made contact, his palms flat against Tommy's back as he memorized the planes and angles of the other boy's body.

It was so much better than he'd ever imagined just to touch Tommy, even if they were still in the realm of just making out. Only he knew it wouldn't stop there, not today and if he had anything to say about it not ever. Before Tommy Dawkins his future had been clear; a series of goals that would lead him to a career in higher education and a nice, comfortable, safe life. From the first moment he tasted Tommy, though – from the moment he felt the evidence of how much Tommy wanted him pressing into his thigh – every goal he'd laid out for himself was secondary to touching Tommy, tasting him or even just holding his hand in a dark movie theater.

And he was so far beyond screwed because this wasn't supposed to happen; he wasn't supposed to have feelings for someone he could only have in secret and only for a few more months. There was no denying it, though, not from the first second Tommy had pulled Tim and Travis off him and flat-out asked Merton if he was gay. Maybe it was the way he'd asked the question with no trace of malice, just naïve curiosity and maybe, just maybe a hint of hope. It had taken him less than a minute to step over the cliff and now he was falling, he'd been falling for weeks and he knew when he finally hit the ground again there was no getting back up.

Something like a whimper escaped Tommy's throat as he tore his mouth away from Merton's and buried his face in the crook of the other boy's shoulder, and Merton recognized the sound as easily as he knew from Tommy's frantic movements what was wrong. Somehow he managed to work a hand between them without interrupting Tommy's thrusts, splaying his fingers across the heat emanating from Tommy's groin.

"Oh…god," Tommy moaned against his neck, his hips moving impossibly faster against the increased pressure of Merton's grip. Another hand worked its way between them to work Tommy's waistband open, and Merton smiled fondly at the groan of frustrated desire that escaped Tommy's throat. Working Tommy's zipper down proved a little challenging but he finally managed to slip a hand into the other boy's jeans, his own body begging for release as he closed his hand around the other boy's length. He knew better than to think Tommy's brain was functioning enough to suggest to him that he reciprocate, and he could tell by the tightening of Tommy's balls the second he made contact that he was right on the edge of release.

Feathery, soothing kisses dotted Tommy's collarbone and neck as Merton closed his hand around the base of Tommy's erection and applied just enough pressure to bring him back from the edge. He could practically feel the sob rising in Tommy's body as it begged for just a little more, just enough to bring him to completion. And he knew that feeling just as well as he knew how soon this would be over, his mouth searching out Tommy's again to convey with a kiss what he couldn't put into words. Silent promises of 'soon' and 'together' and 'trust me' passed between them and somehow Merton just knew that Tommy understood, so he pushed Tommy's jeans and briefs as far down his hips as he could before he reached for his own zipper.

After a few seconds that felt like an eternity Merton pulled himself free of his jeans, and the low growl that sounded from somewhere deep in Tommy's chest as hot, slick flesh finally made contact made it worth all the waiting. He wrapped slender fingers around both of them, heat against heat as he finally began to move his hand. Tommy's previous frantic pace was nothing compared to the force with which he thrust into Merton's grip, his whole body focused on that single sensation. Their mouths were still pressed together, lips moving more or less uselessly as they breathed against one another. Merton could hear low murmurs coming from one of them but he wasn't even sure if it was Tommy babbling or him.

As soon as he realized that he focused on the sound, surprised to find that it was him making soothing noises against Tommy's mouth. The force of Tommy's frantic need made his heart beat wildly and he was suddenly almost sure this was a bad idea, but there was no way they could stop even if he wanted to. He wasn't sure whether to be delighted at the fact that he could make Tommy lose control this way, or despair at the thought that the intensity was going to drive Tommy away for good. And he could feel himself falling more and more hopelessly in love with every thrust, every brush of hot skin against his own and every kiss that pressed against his jaw.

Slowly he became aware that Tommy's mouth had moved from his to trail across his jawbone, hot and breathy and so gentle that he had to bite down hard on his lip to keep from crying. He'd never wanted to come so much in his life and still he wouldn't let himself, only his desperate need to make Tommy lose it first keeping him from losing control. And just when he thought he couldn't hold back anymore Tommy was there with him again, sobbing his release into Merton's shoulder as his whole body arched into the sensation. Merton's hand kept moving through Tommy's orgasm, slicker now and when he slid a wet thumb over his head he gasped and finally let go.

He'd never know how long they stayed that way, panting and sated and surrounded in a silence punctuated only by the vague, faraway sounds of the movie that was still playing. With every passing second Merton knew that things were going to be more awkward, but still he was terrified to move because when he did Tommy might not even be able to look at him. Tommy was still breathing against his neck, and with each puff of air on his skin Merton's pulse raced a little more. The funny thing was that he hadn't even known how much he wanted this, how much he'd been dying to run his hands across Tommy's bare chest or feel him writhing and out of control and desperate. All from Merton's touch, as though that made any sense in a universe where Tommy Dawkins wasn't even supposed to know his name.

Finally the inevitable happened and Tommy shifted against him, slowly pulling away and Merton knew he should be embarrassed by their state of half-undress. He opened his mouth to make a dumb joke about the inevitable awkwardness, just to take the edge off the tension, but then their eyes locked and whatever he'd been about to say was lost. The expression in Tommy's features as he leaned forward and pressed their lips together again was so big, so monumental that Merton couldn't let himself believe that he'd actually seen it. He knew he was imagining things but Tommy was kissing him like he meant it, and he gave up trying to make sense of what happened and wrapped his arms around Tommy's neck to pull him even closer.

When they parted again Tommy didn't move to get off him, and faced with the choice between giving up the weight of Tommy's body on his or suggesting that they go clean up, suddenly sticking together didn't seem like such a bad option. He was still searching for something to say when Tommy did slide off him, glancing down almost apologetically at the mess on their stomachs. Merton tugged his jeans back up his hips a little awkwardly before he swung his legs over the edge of the sofa and stood up. When he turned around again Tommy had rearranged his own clothes, but he was still stretched out on the couch with one arm behind his head and looking so vulnerable that Merton had to remind himself to breathe.

Suddenly awkwardness seemed like a waste of emotion and he knelt next to the couch, reaching out to push sweat-dampened curls away from Tommy's forehead. A strong hand closed around his and then he was being pulled forward, sighing as their lips pressed together again. "We should…uh…clean up," Merton murmured when Tommy released him.

"Yeah," Tommy said, but from the breathy, slightly dazed quality of his voice Merton guessed that Tommy would agree to shave his head and join a commune if Merton suggested it. He grinned at the thought and stood up, reaching for Tommy's hand to lead him back to the bathroom.

Tommy followed him wordlessly, leaning against the counter while Merton ran water in the sink and soaked a washcloth to clean them both up. He kept his gaze trained on Tommy's abdomen while he carefully wiped away the traces of their activity, doing his best to ignore Tommy's blatant stare while he cleaned himself off and dropped the washcloth in the clothes hamper. When he finally looked up again Tommy pushed himself off the counter, his hand closing around Merton's arm to haul him close again.

Merton flattened his palm on Tommy's chest just over his heart, mirroring his earlier gesture as Tommy leaned forward. For a second Merton thought Tommy was going to kiss him again, but then Tommy nuzzled the crook of Merton's neck and breathed in sharply. Hot breath hit Merton's skin, sending shivers down his spine as his hands wandered over Tommy's chest. He craned his neck as Tommy's mouth opened against the curve between his shoulder and neck, stifling a gasp as Tommy began to suck hard on his skin. It was going to leave a mark, he had no idea if Tommy knew that but if he did he didn't seem to care. He found himself irrationally disappointed when he realized that the bruise would heal before they had to go back to school, telling himself not to be stupid. They couldn't take those kinds of risks, it was bad enough that his parents might see the mark and realize what was going on between them.

When Tommy pulled away again his eyes were glazed and his lips were parted slightly, his breathing elevated as he traced the fresh bruise with his fingertips. "Merton, I gotta know," he said, his voice uneven as he finally met the other boy's gaze, "I mean I know you've done this before, I just need to know…"

Merton blinked his surprise as he listened to Tommy stammering over the question, the first wave of shock hitting him when Tommy implied that he knew something about Merton's past. Then Tommy announced that he needed to know who Merton had been with before him, and blood pounded against his eardrums as he wondered why Tommy cared. He nodded mutely, although he wasn't really sure what exactly he was agreeing to. Telling Tommy the truth about his past wasn't that big a deal, there had really only been the one other guy and that was more like an experiment than an actual relationship. It was the dark intensity in Tommy's eyes that was making him nervous, as though the wrong answer to the question could tear apart whatever connection they'd already forged.

"There's not that much to tell," he said, deciding that honesty was the only way to handle this particular conversation. "I mean there was one other guy, but that was a long time ago."

"When?"

He barely managed to hide the shudder the single word sent down his spine, backing away instinctively. Suddenly the bathroom seemed far too small for the two of them and he backed toward his bedroom, his heart in his throat as he watched Tommy follow him. "Freshman year," he answered when they reached his bedroom, sinking down onto the edge of his mattress.

Tommy sat down next to him, Merton's breath catching in his throat when their shoulders brushed. "Anybody I know?" Tommy asked. His voice was quiet and almost hesitant, and Merton relaxed a little as he realized that Tommy was actually nervous about the answer.

"I don't know if you know him," Merton answered. "He goes to our school. Tommy, why do you want to know?"

"I don't know." Tommy shrugged and looked down at his hands, a heavy sigh escaping his throat. "Just wondering, I guess. It doesn't really matter."

Something told Merton that it did matter, though; maybe not in any significant way, but suddenly the idea that Tommy might be a little insecure about sex didn't seem so far-fetched. "You remember that guy from the movie theater?"

"The blonde?" Tommy asked.

"Alistair. We used to be best friends, before…" He paused and glanced over at Tommy, his eyes widening as he watched a flash of jealousy darken Tommy's eyes. It only lasted a second, but the knowledge that Tommy would be jealous over _him_ sent a surge of desire straight to his groin. He swallowed hard and did his best to ignore the urge to push Tommy down on the mattress. "Anyway the summer before high school some stuff happened, just experimenting really but once we started school again…I don't know, I think he got scared somebody would find out. Or else he decided that he didn't like guys after all."

He stopped talked and snapped his jaw shut, venturing a furtive glance at Tommy's profile while he waited for the other boy to digest the information. For a long time he didn't say anything, but when he looked back up at Merton his eyes were wide. "That guy saw us together."

"Yeah." Slowly the meaning behind Tommy's words began to sink in, and Merton swallowed a rush of fear and disappointment. "He won't say anything, if that's what you're worried about. He can't, he's too worried that somebody will find out about him and me."

He tried to keep the anxiety out of his features, but he must not have been that successful because the next thing he knew Tommy reached over and tilted his chin up until their eyes met. "I didn't mean…damn, I didn't mean that to sound the way it did. It's just my parents…if they found out they'd probably throw me out."

Merton's first instinct was to ask Tommy if he was serious, but one look in the other boy's eyes and he didn't have to ask. Whatever else Tommy was afraid of, it was obvious that he was sure his parents wouldn't accept the fact that he was gay. Merton swallowed against the lump in his throat and reached out before he could stop himself, tracing the line of Tommy's jaw as he shook his head. "He won't say anything," he repeated. "I know he won't."

Tommy nodded and leaned forward, fusing their lips together again as he pulled Merton closer to trace random patterns on his back. Merton pushed the swell of fear building up inside him as far back as he could, focusing on Tommy's mouth moving against his so he wouldn't have to think about what would happen if anyone did find out. They just had to be more careful, he'd known that all along. Nobody would find out if they just thought things through a little more before they went out in public or gave in to the need to touch when someone could come along and catch them. It wasn't that complicated, and if it was the only way he could be with Tommy he'd do whatever it took.


	19. Chapter 19

For the first time since he could remember the sound of the alarm going off made Merton cringe, and he groaned and squeezed his eyes shut a little tighter against the prospect of going back to school. Typically by the end of a long break he'd almost look forward to classes starting again just to relieve the tedium of having nothing to do all day, but this break had been anything but typical. In fact it could easily qualify as the best week and a half of his life; after Tommy's father stopped forcing him to work at the garage they'd seen each other every day, and nearly every second of their time together had been perfect.

It was almost unbelievable how well things were going between them, and that was exactly the reason he'd been dreading the start of classes. He knew that the minute he walked back into Pleasantville High the spell would be broken, that life would return to normal and that meant losing Tommy to his popularity again. He wouldn't be Tommy's boyfriend anymore or even half of this amazing, indescribable, almost magic connection that he was sure had never existed between two people before. Instead he'd go back to being another nameless victim in the crowd of faces at school, someone for even his friends to regard suspiciously. He wouldn't be able to talk to Tommy in the halls or touch him, he'd have to watch every look and every move he made for fear of someone figuring out what was going on.

He'd known it was inevitable, but even the fact that he and Tommy had to go back to pretending they barely knew each other wasn't what bothered him most. The worst part was how much he was going to miss spending time together. School hadn't even started yet and already he missed having Tommy all to himself for the majority of the day, whether they were making out or talking or even just watching a movie together. He groaned and forced himself out of bed, stumbling through the mess in his room toward the bathroom. When he found the door unlocked he breathed a sigh of relief and let himself in, locking the other door before his sister woke up and demanded that he get out.

While he waited for the shower to warm up he turned toward the mirror over the sink, running a hand over his bare chest and inspecting the lingering traces of a bruise just below his collarbone. Normally he'd smile at the reminder of Tommy's enthusiasm, but today it just reminded him of how much he had to hide. Thankfully the mark was below his collar so he wouldn't have to answer any potentially dangerous questions; maybe Tommy had been thinking enough the last time they were together to realize that, but Merton was pretty sure it was just lucky that Tommy's mouth had been below his neckline instead of closer to his ear.

He scowled and turned away from the mirror, stepping out of his boxers and climbing into the shower. He barely noticed the temperature of the water as he closed his eyes and stepped under the spray, his mind already wandering to what would happen when he got to school. Part of him almost expected everyone to know somehow; maybe he'd been wrong about Alistair and he'd already started spreading rumors about Tommy and Merton dating. The reality was that nothing would probably happen, though, and he wasn't sure which was better. The whole school finding out about him and Tommy would ruin what they had and make the last six months of school more painful than usual, but at least he could stop worrying about someone finding out.

A wave of nausea hit him and he wasn't sure if it was the temperature in the bathroom or the thought of what Tommy would say if anyone at school found out about them. In a way he understood why Tommy worried about it, after all he wasn't lucky enough to have parents that were more or less understanding. Merton had a feeling that when he did come out to his parents that they wouldn't be surprised, and he'd always known that they'd support him. He knew he was lucky and that it wasn't that way for everyone, but sometimes it was hard to understand why. It didn't make any sense to him that Tommy's parents could be as bad as they sounded, especially not knowing how well Tommy had managed to turn out.

"Stop thinking about it," he muttered under his breath, forcing his eyes open to chase away the images floating in and out of his mind's eye. Strange, disjointed fantasies about the whole school finding out about him and Tommy were pretty much the norm when he closed his eyes lately, but they were usually jumbled together with memories of Tommy flushed and breathless and pressed against him. He knew he'd never make it through the day if he didn't stop thinking about Tommy's skin against his, not when he couldn't even remember the way it felt to kiss Tommy without his whole body reacting.

He should be worried about what T'n'T were going to do to him when they got their hands on him again; he wasn't naïve enough to think Tommy would be there to stop them every time. Not to mention the fact that Tommy couldn't use the football team as an excuse to keep them from killing him anymore. Chances were that they wouldn't even listen to him, and there was nothing Merton or Tommy could do about it without raising a lot of suspicion. A frustrated sigh escaped his throat at the same moment that a knock sounded on the bathroom door, and he realized for the first time how long he'd been standing under the water letting his mind wander.

"Alright, alright," he muttered as he reached for the faucet and turned off the shower. He dried off and pulled his clothes on as quickly as possible, forcing himself to keep his mind on getting dressed and not what his day was going to be like. Once he was dressed he unlocked Becky's side of the bathroom and disappeared into his bedroom before she had a chance to yell at him for taking too long. He managed not to think about Tommy much at all while he dried and spiked his hair, but as soon as he walked into the kitchen and caught sight of his parents he knew he wasn't getting out of the house without an uncomfortable conversation about school.

They both looked up when he walked in, 'concerned parent' expressions on both their faces as he made his way to the fridge. "Ready for school?" his father asked, and Merton could feel the weight of the older man's gaze on him even though he didn't look up from the fridge.

"I guess," he answered as he retrieved the milk and reached for a bowl. "It's just school."

He ventured a glance over at his parents just in time to watch them exchange looks, and he rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his cereal. Maybe it was stupid that he hadn't just told them the truth about Tommy when they obviously already suspected it, but he kept telling himself that it wasn't really any of their business anyway. He poured milk into his bowl before he put it back in the fridge, swallowing the rush of fear that welled up in him as he made his way over to the table to sit down next to his father.

After the first few tense moments of silence Merton realized that they weren't going to push the subject, though, and he told himself to stop being so paranoid. Maybe they didn't have a clue what was going on in his life – maybe he was just projecting all his fears about someone at school catching on. For all they knew he and Tommy were just friends; they never touched in front of his parents, in fact since Tommy found out who Alistair was he'd been even more careful not to let his guard down unless they were positive they were alone.

"Your mother and I have been talking," Merton's father said, his voice interrupting Merton's thoughts. He tensed instantly as he realized he might have been right after all, and he stifled a sigh and forced himself to look up at his father. "We understand why you want to finish school with your class, but we can't ignore the fact that it's not the safest place for you."

Merton opened his mouth to protest as soon as he realized what his father was about to say, but the words died on his lips when he remembered that telling them why he wanted to stay at Pleasantville High meant telling them the whole truth. Even if he did tell them what was going on between him and Tommy he wasn't sure they'd think that was a good reason to let him finish out the year. In fact it might just make them more determined to make him leave high school early, and then it would be even harder to see Tommy. At least while he was tutoring Lori everyone just assumed that he and Tommy knew each other through her; if he stopped helping her with her Chemistry they wouldn't have an excuse anymore.

"We're not saying you have to leave school," his father continued before Merton had a chance to say anything. "But I will be talking to the principal this week, and if anything else happens we're going to have to talk about making some changes."

Even as he opened his mouth to ask why they were bringing this up again after all this time he realized what the answer was. They knew; they had to know, or at least they had to have an idea of the truth. So maybe they were doing the right thing by trying to keep him out of the path of danger, but he couldn't help wondering if part of it was that they wanted to keep him away from Tommy. They'd acted like they genuinely liked Tommy, though, they'd both gone out of their way to make him feel at home and his dad had even offered to help Tommy out when he started college. His head hurt from all the possibilities of why his parents were bringing this up now, but he still couldn't bring himself to just say the words out loud.

"It's not that big a deal," he finally muttered into his cereal bowl, not bothering to look up at his parents. It was embarrassing enough that he seemed to be the twins' favorite victim, but the idea that his parents might be trying to control his love life was too much to face. "They haven't even bothered me since that time Mr. Clark stopped them."

Okay, so it was a lie, but he wasn't about to tell them that Tommy had had to pull them off him the day they got back to school. He wasn't about to give them any more information than they already had, no matter how helpful they were trying to be. He could barely stand the thought of his father sitting in the principal's office discussing Merton's personal life, let alone having to listen while his parents tried to be understanding.

"We still have to consider all the possibilities," his mother chimed in, smiling reassuringly at him over her newspaper. "Tell you what, we won't make any decisions until we give you a chance to plead your case."

He nodded and looked down at his cereal, his stomach turning at the thought of food. "I gotta go, I've got some reading to finish before school starts," he said, picking up his bowl and setting it in the sink. He could feel them both watching him, but he didn't bother to look back as they said goodbye. He stopped in his room long enough to grab his books and a coat before he let himself out of the house, reminding himself to breathe only when he found himself in the cold January air. He tugged his collar a little closer to his skin and forced his legs to carry him toward the hearse, doing his best not to think about the long day ahead of him.

~

It wasn't until he got to school and saw the still empty parking lot that he realized quite how early he was, but faced with the alternative of going home and dealing with his parents he decided he'd rather sit in the cafeteria and wait for school to start. He hadn't been lying about the reading he had to do, most of his break had been devoted to either spending time with Tommy or obsessing about the next time they'd be together. For the first time since he could remember his schoolwork hadn't even crossed his mind, but now that he was back in the building he remembered just how much he'd neglected over the past two weeks.

He sighed and made his way to the cafeteria, ignoring the handful of other students that were already sitting at tables around the room. He chose an empty table near the front of the cafeteria and set his backpack down, pulling his History book out and forcing himself to focus on the words in front of him. Concentrating on the Industrial Revolution was pretty much a losing battle, but he knew if he didn't at least try he was going to fail the pop quiz he was sure his teacher would spring on them after lunch.

He'd read the first paragraph of the chapter at least ten times when he felt a hand land on his shoulder and squeeze, his heart soaring for a single beat before he realized it wasn't Tommy. He turned to look at the owner of the hand, swallowing hard when Tim held him firmly in place. "Well if it isn't the little queer," Travis hissed under his breath from Merton's other side. "I'm impressed, I didn't think you were brave enough to show your face around here without your bodyguard. Or maybe you're just stupid."

Both twins laughed at that, and Merton's heart lodged in his throat as he realized there was no getting out of this. Most of the teachers hadn't even gotten to school yet, and none of the students in the cafeteria would be inclined to help even if they could. His father's words came rushing back to him and he had to hold back a laugh at the irony of the situation, but he knew better than to make Travis think he was laughing at him. Besides, it wasn't funny so much as unfair that they blamed him for getting them suspended, as though he'd asked them to beat the hell out of him just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"What's the matter, wuss? Nothing to say now that Dawkins isn't here to save you?" The hand on his shoulder tightened and he bit his lip against the pain, willing himself not to react to the sound of Tommy's name coming from Travis' mouth. It would just make things worse if he gave them a reason to think Tommy mattered to him for any reason.

"Maybe he'll talk better somewhere a little more private." Tim's other hand landed on his arm to haul him roughly off the bench he was sitting on, but before he had a chance to react another voice drew the twins' attention away from him.

"Why don't you guys do us all a favor and go beat the hell out of each other?" Lori snapped, her arms crossed over her chest as she leveled a menacing glare at first Tim and then Travis.

Merton swallowed convulsively as Tim dropped him back onto the bench, caught between gratitude that Lori had showed up and humiliation that now he was getting rescued by not just Tommy, but Tommy's alleged girlfriend. His reputation wasn't really worth worrying about, though, so he decided to be thankful to her for saving him from any unnecessary bleeding on the first day back to school.

"Your boyfriend sending you to fight his battles now, Baxter?" Travis sneered, momentarily forgetting Merton as he turned his attention to Lori.

The smirk that turned up the corners of Lori's mouth had an almost sinister edge to it, and Merton's blood ran cold even though he wasn't the recipient of the threat. "Nobody messes with my friends and gets away with it, Travis. Now get lost before I decide to do something about it."

"Like what?" Travis asked in a tone that let Merton know he wasn't completely confident that Lori couldn't kick his ass. Merton's eyebrows shot up in surprise as he sized up the petite blonde, remembering suddenly something Tommy had said about the kickboxing team from her private school days.

"Like get you losers expelled," Lori answered, her smile brightening as the twins scowled. "All I have to do is scream and every teacher in school will come running. Or maybe I'll just go have a chat with the principal, I think I saw him pull up a few minutes ago."

Merton barely heard Travis' parting shot as the twins moved away from him, the words 'this isn't over' registering only vaguely in the back of his mind as he dropped his head into his hands. He knew it wasn't over, nobody had to remind him of that. In fact he was starting to think his parents had been right about the whole thing, maybe finishing the year at the University wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"Hey." A finger tapped the back of his head and he forced himself to look up, his cheeks blazing as he met Lori's concerned gaze. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Merton muttered, glancing over his shoulder in time to watch Tim and Travis disappear around the corner. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to see, maybe Travis cracking his knuckles and making threatening gestures in his direction. His whole life was starting to feel way too much like an after-school special. "I mean thanks. I guess that'll teach me to show up early and try to get some homework done."

Lori smiled sympathetically and glanced at his History book before looking back up at him, her grin fading as she studied his features. "You don't look so hot, Merton. Are you sure you're okay?"

"What, you mean aside from the humiliation of having to be rescued again?" He paused and forced himself to look at her, a frustrated sigh escaping his throat as he realized how he must sound. "I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't Tommy again."

"He had to go see the basketball coach, something about try-outs," Lori said, frowning as she watched Merton blush again. "He wasn't trying to make things worse with the idiot twins, you know."

"I know," Merton said a little too quickly. He dropped his gaze down to the table between them, his mind racing as he tried to decide how much she knew about what had happened between him and Tommy. He had no idea when she'd gotten back to town, but it was a safe bet that the first thing she'd done when she got home was call Tommy. She had to know that something was going on between them, but he wasn't sure how much Tommy would tell her and how much he'd keep between them. "I didn't mean it like that, it's just…"

He trailed off and looked up at her, surprised to find her nodding her understanding. "Yeah, I know what you meant," she said, and from the way she was looking at him he could tell that she did. "For the record I think this whole thing sucks. It's not fair, but you don't know what his parents are like."

He knew he was staring at her with his mouth hanging open, but he couldn't quite believe that she was sitting across from him talking so candidly about what was going on between him and Tommy. As soon as he realized that Tommy was interested in him he suspected that Lori had known all along, but he hadn't even talked to Tommy about this and it was strange to hear her say it out loud. "So he…he told you…?"

Her smirk returned as she listened to him stammer the question, but finally she took pity on him and leaned a little further across the table. "Relax, he didn't tell me _everything_. Although I can pretty much fill in the blanks all on my own."

Merton wondered vaguely if he was ever going to stop blushing; he had a feeling the answer was 'no', and from the way Lori was trying not to laugh he could tell she was enjoying his discomfort. "Sorry, it's not funny, but you should see your face," she whispered, her hand covering her mouth as she lost the battle against the laugh that was trying to escape her throat. It took her several minutes to regain her composure, and Merton just watched helplessly as she struggled for breath between bouts of laughter. He couldn't really blame her, though; he could just imagine his expression when she'd mentioned filling in the blanks on her own. Some sick part of him wanted to ask her why she'd want to do something like that, but he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer.

Finally she managed to pull herself together, clearing her throat as she looked back up at him. "Sorry, I wasn't laughing at you. Well, sort of but I didn't mean anything by it."

"Forget it," he said, hoping that she'd take the hint and forget the past ten minutes had ever happened. He tore his gaze away from her long enough to make sure no one was close enough to hear them. "Look, Lori, I hate to ask you this but do you think you could not tell Tommy about this? I mean about Tim and Travis."

"Why? It's not like he's gonna do anything stupid like try to kill them. I mean maybe he'd want to, but he knows better."

An involuntary shiver wracked Merton's body at the thought of Tommy being that protective of him, but he swallowed against it and willed himself not to start spinning new fantasies about Tommy coming to his rescue and dragging them both out of the closet in the process. "It's not that," he said. "The thing is that I think they're starting to get suspicious about why Tommy cares whether or not they kill me."

Lori frowned and looked over her shoulder as though she was expecting someone to overhear them. When she was sure that the coast was clear she turned back to Merton, her expression telling him that even though she didn't want to believe it she thought he might have a point. "Those two? No way, they're too dumb to find their way home most days. No way do they have a clue."

"Maybe." Merton shrugged and closed his History book, shoving it back in his backpack before he stood up. "I hope you're right, but just in case you're not I think it's better if you don't say anything."

She sighed and stood up, her arms crossed over her chest again as she studied his pleading expression. Finally she nodded and he let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "Thanks, Lori."

"Don't mention it," she called over her shoulder as she made her way toward the hall that would take her to her locker. "See you around."

"Yeah, see you," he said absently, although he knew she couldn't hear him. He hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder and turned in the opposite direction, saying a quick prayer that he wouldn't run into Tim and Travis again that day.


	20. Chapter 20

Finally an end to what had to be the longest week of his life, and still Merton felt like he might just crawl out of his skin any second now. He knew why; any idiot that knew what was going on between him and Tommy would be able to tell why he was so restless. A whole week of nothing more than the occasional stolen glance and a 'hey' in passing as though they were just two guys that knew Lori. Tommy hadn't even been able to stop by Lori's house during her tutoring sessions, because basketball practice turned out to be even more time-consuming than football and Merton didn't think that was possible.

On Thursday Lori gave him a message, just a few lines scrawled on a note in Tommy's messy handwriting:

 _I can't get out of practice early at least until after our first game. My dad's going out with his friends on Friday so as soon as he leaves I'll come over. If that's not okay tell Lori. I really want to see you. Tommy_

That was it, four days and that was the only real word he'd had from Tommy. He'd take it, though, because it meant that if nothing else Tommy was thinking about him and that meant that when Friday finally rolled around they could start making up for lost time. He wasn't sure it was possible to make up for a whole week of not even being able to talk, but he couldn't let himself dwell on how little of Tommy he really had. He got the most important part, at least; Tommy wanted to spend time with him and when they were apart it was him that Tommy thought about.

Sometimes he thought maybe he should worry about how much time he actually spent thinking about Tommy, but even if he wanted to do something about it he knew he wouldn't be able to stop. He'd heard about first love and how it could take over your whole life if you let it, ruin your concentration and make your grades slip. But even if the devil himself appeared and gave Merton a choice between straight A's for the rest of his academic career and a few more months as Tommy's boyfriend he knew what he'd choose. He wasn't proud of it, but he was at least honest with himself if not with the rest of the world.

Not that he could tell Tommy how he felt, even if he wanted to he knew Tommy wouldn't say it back. Maybe he wouldn't end their relationship or anything quite that drastic, but he wasn't in love with Merton. If nothing else, he was smart enough not to confuse sex and true love. He wasn't going to brood about that, though, not when Tommy could show up any time now. There was no mention of what time he might stop by, but he at least had to get through practice and then go home until whenever his father left. That pretty much ruled out the possibility that Tommy would make it over in time for dinner, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to get through small talk with Tommy and his family after a whole week apart anyway. In fact all he really wanted to do was get Tommy alone in his bedroom, but he couldn't run the risk of his parents catching them in a compromising position.

It was pretty obvious from the way they'd been looking at him all week that they knew there was something going on, but how serious it was they couldn't know and he really didn't want them finding out by catching them together. And it was funny that now that he had a real reason to come out to his parents he didn't want to, because he was afraid that it would change things between him and Tommy. The last thing he wanted was for them to figure out that he and Tommy were dating, or something close enough to it to start enforcing the same rules on him that they enforced on Becky when she brought a boy home. Keeping his bedroom door open whenever Tommy was over, for one thing, and he knew how well it would go over when Merton told him that his parents wanted to meet Tommy's parents.

That thought made him laugh, and he wondered if his parents would really enforce that rule considering. His father sort of knew Tommy's father already, after all, and anyway he was going to be eighteen in a few months. It wasn't funny, not really, but he couldn't help laughing at the image of Tommy's parents coming over for dinner. And when they found out why they were there in the first place…he could just picture his mom announcing how nice it was to meet Merton's boyfriend's parents. Only the place his imagination took him to after that wasn't funny at all, because he could only imagine what would happen to Tommy if his father found out. The way he and Lori made it sound Merton would be surprised if his father didn't kill Tommy, and then he'd spend the rest of his life with Tommy's blood on his hands.

He knew he'd never go through with it anyway, because telling his parents meant having a conversation he really didn't want to have. He was grateful in a way that they were so understanding about so many things, and he could almost understand why Tommy liked them so much. Still, he knew his mother and he wasn't prepared to sit through a safe sex speech from her under any circumstances. It was bad enough that he'd have to talk to Tommy about it if it ever got that far. He'd never gone that far with anyone; most of what he and Alistair did wasn't even that exciting. The thought of doing it with Tommy sent a shiver down his spine, though, and he squeezed his eyes shut and willed his body not to react so he wouldn't have to worry about being hard when Tommy showed up.

Not that he really thought Tommy would mind after all the experimenting they'd done together so far. Winter break had definitely been an eye-opening experience for both of them, and Tommy was enthusiastic about learning new things. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd always expected Tommy to take without giving a lot in return, if it was because he was popular and used to people giving him things Merton wasn't sure. He knew better now, and whenever he thought about it his cheeks flushed with the shame of knowing that he knew better. He knew what kind of person Tommy was, and he definitely didn't fit the mold of All-American Football Hero that the town seemed to expect him to be. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to live up to that kind of image; sometimes the teasing hurt but for the most part Merton liked the fact that he could be himself and he didn't have to worry about what people thought of him. He already knew what they thought, and as long as he didn't let it bother him too much he was fine.

Granted being different attracted attention that he didn't always want; it made him the target of Tim and Travis, for instance, and it got him a lot of whispers in class. He'd spent the better part of the week dodging the twins after Monday morning, and they'd only managed to get ahold of him long enough on Wednesday afternoon to give him a fresh bruise at the center of his ribs. The punch hadn't been hard enough to knock the wind out of him, and he was just thankful that he'd been in a crowded hallway at the time so they couldn't do more damage than that. The last thing he needed was to give his parents a reason to pull him out of school.

The whole situation was nerve-wracking, but so far Alistair had kept his mouth shut and despite his nightmare visions of walking into school with 'I love Tommy Dawkins' blinking in neon over his head nobody seemed to have a clue. He knew how fast that could change, but he was pretty sure that he was right about Alistair keeping his mouth shut. Outing Merton meant outing himself, after all, and Merton was the one that was used to putting up with the rumors that he was gay. Alistair had put as much distance between the two of them as he could as soon as they got to high school, and pretty much everyone seemed to have forgotten that they used to be best friends. Thinking about that betrayal hurt a lot less now that he had Tommy in his life, but there was still a nagging voice at the back of his mind telling him that he had to be careful around Alistair.

His bedroom door swung open, and he opened his mouth to snap at whichever of his family members had forgotten the fine art of knocking. Before he got the words out, however, Tommy closed the door behind him and crossed the few feet to Merton's bed. Three seconds later it didn't matter anymore whether or not he was hard when Tommy got there, because he found himself pushed back into his pillows with Tommy's weight pressing him into the mattress. His arms came up around Tommy's back to pull him closer, pushing his worries about school and parents as far back in his mind as they would go.

He didn't think it was possible to miss Tommy more when they were actually in the same room, but when their lips met a sob caught in his throat and it was all he could do to force it back down before Tommy noticed. He wanted to ask how much time they had before Tommy had to go home again, how often he could expect to see Tommy over the next few months and if their relationship would even last that long. He wanted to make unreasonable demands on Tommy's time just to see if he could get away with it, or maybe make Tommy feel guilty about the fact that they barely ever saw each other. He didn't, though, because he had a feeling that even though he didn't really say it that Tommy already felt bad enough. Anyway it wasn't like either of them could change the circumstances, so he just had to try to enjoy the time they did spend together as much as possible.

When they finally came up for air Tommy rolled off Merton and settled next to him on the mattress. "I didn't used to mind basketball but I'm starting to really hate it."

Merton chuckled and pushed himself up on one elbow to look down at the other boy. "Can't say I've ever been a big fan. I'm more of a baseball guy."

"The Majors don't pay enough, Dad wouldn't let me waste my time on the baseball team," Tommy said. He reached out to rest his hand on Merton's hip, pulling him a little closer. "Mostly I just wish it didn't take up all my time. I'm so tired every night that I can barely get my homework done before I fall asleep."

Merton bit his lip as he let Tommy pull him closer, caught between being selfish and worrying about whether or not Tommy was sacrificing sleep to see him. "If you're really tired maybe…"

"No," Tommy interrupted him, shaking his head against Merton's pillow. "I've been thinking about you all week, I'm not going home now. Unless you want me to."

"Of course I don't want you to. You know, if you want you could stay here. I mean spend the night. Unless you think your parents would freak." The words came out in a rush of breath, and he looked down at the mattress between them so he wouldn't have to look at Tommy while he made up an excuse about having to go home.

"Yeah? Your parents wouldn't mind?"

Merton shrugged and looked up, his heart skipping a beat as he realized Tommy was actually considering it. "They won't care." Okay, so maybe it was a lie, but it was a harmless one and it wasn't like his parents didn't like Tommy. Once they figured out that he'd spent the night in Merton's room he'd probably find himself having that conversation he'd been trying to avoid, but the idea of Tommy actually spending the night in his bed more than made up for it.

Instead of answering Tommy leaned forward, pulling Merton toward him to plan another kiss on his lips. "I gotta call my mom," he said when they parted again.

The last thing Merton wanted to do was get up even long enough for Tommy to use the phone, but if he didn't at least call home he'd probably never be allowed out of his house again. He sighed and pushed himself off the mattress, gesturing toward the phone on his desk as Tommy stood up. As he watched the other boy dial he wondered if he should leave and give him a little privacy, but when Tommy looked up and grinned at him he knew he wouldn't be able to stand up, let alone make it all the way across the room.

"Mom, it's me. I'm gonna spend the night at a friend's, okay?" Tommy stopped talking and let out a sigh, running his hand over his face as he listened to whatever his mother was saying on the other end of the line. "Yeah, I know, I already talked to Dad. Look, did you write it down? Write it down so you don't forget. Chad's house, he's on the team. Don't forget."

He hung up the phone and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he opened them again and looked at Merton. "I had to tell her a name my dad would recognize."

Merton swallowed the urge to say anything about Tommy's father that he'd regret. He didn't really want to ask questions about Tommy's mother, either, although just from listening to Tommy remind her twice not to forget the message he wondered what kind of mother she could be. "I know," he finally said, hoping his smile was more reassuring than he felt. "Did you eat? My mom made lasagna, I think there's some left."

"Maybe later." Tommy stood up and crossed back to the bed, sinking down next to Merton and reaching out to slide one hand behind his neck. "Can we just…stay here for awhile?"

"Yeah, Tommy, whatever you want," Merton answered, his voice breathy as he leaned into Tommy's touch. Their lips met again as they sank back onto the mattress, limbs tangled together. Merton forgot about the fact that they weren't alone in the house, he forgot Tommy's parents and he pushed the thought that this could all end any day as far back in his mind as he could. Instead he focused on the way Tommy's hands felt on his skin, the way their mouths fit together and how perfect it felt to be with him, even if it was just for tonight.

~

Merton woke up suddenly and with a startling clarity; every second of the night before was vivid in his memory, from the heat of Tommy's skin against his to the moment he watched Tommy fall asleep. Of course he could still feel that heat radiating from the body stretched out next to him, and he'd laid awake for a long time just watching Tommy breathe. He still couldn't believe that Tommy had agreed to spend the night, but there he was with one hand curled under his cheek and the other resting on Merton's chest.

He smiled and eased out from underneath Tommy's hand, careful not to wake him as he slid out of the bed and pulled on some clothes. There was no chance of avoiding his parents' suspicions after last night, but one more glance at Tommy still asleep in his bed and he knew it was worth it. Not that he was looking forward to it, but he could think of worse things and even if they didn't let Tommy spend the night anymore it was worth the one night they did have together. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door to the kitchen, smiling nervously at his parents as they looked up from the breakfast table.

"Hey, Dad, think you could make waffles?" he asked, doing his best to ignore the look they exchanged when he walked in. "Tommy spent the night."

His father cleared his throat and stood up, stepping around Merton to reach in the fridge for the milk. "Son, I think we should talk," he said as he set the milk and then a carton of eggs down on the counter.

Merton blushed and sank into the chair his father had vacated, scanning the headlines on the paper without really seeing them. He didn't want to look at either of them, because suddenly the idea that they'd be understanding seemed more far-fetched than it had the night before. Chances were that his parents would freak out if he came right out and announced that he was gay, they'd never talked about it before and there was no telling how they'd take it.

"What your father's trying to say," his mother interjected, surprising Merton into glancing over at her, "is that Tommy's welcome to spend the night, but we'd rather he stay in the guest room."

Just like that, like it was no big deal that Tommy Dawkins was his boyfriend, they just didn't want them sleeping in the same bed. It was almost…disappointing, really. He'd expected more somehow when he and his parents finally had a conversation about his sexuality. "Oh. I mean okay."

"We want you to be happy, son, and we want your friends to feel welcome here," his father said. "But as long as you're still in high school there are certain rules you need to abide by. Tommy's welcome here any time, you know that. He's a good boy, your mother and I both like him."

He knew his parents liked Tommy, it was obvious from the way they always asked about him and the way they talked to him when he had dinner at their house. He hadn't expected the almost giddy rush when they finally got around to acknowledging what exactly Tommy was to him, though. There had never been a question that they wanted him to be happy, but this…a calm conversation about the sleeping arrangements when his boyfriend spent the night was more than he'd anticipated. "Thanks," he finally said, hoping they already knew all the things he wanted to say but would never be able to put into words.

"Merton, the problems you've been having at school," his mother began, deflating his good mood a little as the conversation shifted. "Do they have anything to do with your relationship with Tommy?"

There was really no answer for that, not without telling his parents that if it wasn't for his problems at school he wouldn't have a relationship with Tommy at all. It was a strange twist of fate that in a way he owed the twins a debt of gratitude for bringing him and Tommy together, but somehow he didn't think his parents would see the humor in it. "No, Mom. I mean not Tommy specifically."

She didn't look convinced, but she nodded and set her coffee cup down on the table. He tried to ignore the glance she directed at his father, but from the silence in the room he had a feeling that this was only the beginning of this particular conversation. He just prayed they'd save the next round for after Tommy went home, because he was sure he wouldn't be able to sit through his parents asking Tommy what his intentions were. The image that conjured up made him laugh, and he shook his head as both his parents raised their eyebrows. He was saved the trouble of having to think up a lie when the kitchen door swung open again and Tommy appeared wearing the clothes he'd had on the night before.

He yawned and rubbed at his eyes with one hand as he let go of the door, and Merton smiled in spite of himself at the picture he presented. If his parents hadn't figured out what was going on between them before they'd definitely know after seeing Tommy. He looked sated and a little dazed and completely debauched, with his shirt tails hanging out of his jeans and his collar open to reveal the edge of a hickey that Merton had been less than careful about. His smile faded as he realized quite how careless that was, especially considering the people Tommy hung around with and the amount of time he probably spent in the locker room showers.

Thinking about Tommy in the shower while his parents were in the room was definitely a bad idea, though, so he shook his head to chase the image away and forced himself to listen to whatever his father was saying.

"…in for a treat, these waffles are world famous," Mr. Dingle said, glancing over at Merton long enough to wink at him before he turned back to Tommy. "Have a seat, Tommy. You don't drink coffee, do you?"

"No, sir," Tommy answered as he took a seat next to Merton at the kitchen table. "My dad says it stunts your growth."

"A wise man. Merton will get you some orange juice, won't you, son?"

Merton nodded and stood up, moving on automatic pilot as he tried to make sense of the weird scene he was trapped in. Maybe he was still asleep and having a crazy dream about coming out, he'd had them before but they'd never been quite this sitcom-like. Then again, he could smell waffles and Tommy definitely looked like he'd spent most of the night doing exactly what they'd been doing. He shook his head and reached for the orange juice and two glasses, deciding that it was better to just go with the flow and worry about the consequences later.


	21. Chapter 21

Merton wasn't born a pessimist. In fact, he wasn't sure he believed that anyone was born with that particular personality trait. It was more like something he'd learned over the years, a way to protect himself from getting hurt when something didn't go his way.

And invariably he'd learned that things rarely went his way.

Which was why this whole thing with Tommy confused him, because everything was going so _well_. Okay, so there was the whole sneaking around thing, and the fact that if Tommy's parents found out the truth that he'd probably never even look at Merton again, but other than that Merton's life was pretty much perfect. Every once in awhile he'd catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror and find himself looking a little closer, inspecting his features for any tell-tale signs that he had a boyfriend. Not just a boyfriend, either – a _secret_ boyfriend, and the captain of the football team no less.

If this was happening to anybody else he'd probably think it was hilarious, probably laugh at the poor sucker's dumb luck at falling for somebody he couldn't even talk to in public. Only he was the one with the bad luck, and he wasn't laughing. In fact every time he saw Tommy he got a little further over his head, and he had no idea what to do with all these new emotions. He was used to that feeling in the pit of his stomach like something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was all the other feelings he wasn't sure what to do with, like the weight pressing down on his chest every time he saw Tommy in the hallway or the strange urge to cry whenever they were alone together and he couldn't get close enough to Tommy no matter how hard they kissed.

Spending the night with Tommy was…well, he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to that feeling. Sitting at the breakfast table with his parents the next morning while they made small talk with Tommy was weird, kind of surreal but even the fact that his parents knew what they'd done the night before didn't stop him from thinking about it. He still blushed every time he thought about sitting at the breakfast table with his parents, nodding at all the right intervals and laughing when everyone else did like he really was a normal person. Only he wasn't, he couldn't be because no normal person could sit at that table and eat waffles with the taste of Tommy still on his tongue.

And the things they'd done right under his parents' roof while they were home, no less…he didn't even know he knew _how_ to do some of that stuff, but at the time it had felt perfect and natural and he couldn't make himself regret any of it. He didn't regret a single touch, not one kiss or even any of the words he'd murmured against Tommy's skin when he just couldn't control himself anymore. He was sure Tommy hadn't heard him anyway, because if he had it probably would have killed the mood pretty fast. Tommy would probably never be ready for talk about feelings or what happened in a couple months when Merton left Pleasantville to start a new life somewhere else.

He'd been planning to leave for years; ever since he got to high school and it first dawned on him that there was something just a little different about him that set him apart from all the kids at school whose biggest worry seemed to be whether or not they were wearing the right brand of jeans. And all that time while he was making his plans to escape he'd never expected to regret the decision, never thought he'd have a reason to look back and wish that he'd just stuck around for that last summer and given Pleasantville one last chance to feel like home.

He knew he still had to go; if he'd told his parents that he'd changed his mind and he wanted to stay home for awhile they wouldn't force him to go, but he knew he didn't have a good reason to stay. It didn't matter if he was in love with Tommy Dawkins, because no matter how much he wished things were different Tommy was always gonna be Tommy and Merton was never going to fit into his life. Not unless Tommy was willing to walk away from everything – his family, his friends, his whole life – and he wasn't going to do that, not for Merton. Not that Merton could really blame him; he wasn't sure he'd be willing to give up everything he knew to take a chance on Tommy, and he didn't have nearly as much to lose as Tommy did.

That was what he told himself whenever he started thinking about changing his carefully constructed plans so he could stay as close to Tommy as possible. Sometimes he was even reduced to standing in front of a mirror listing all the reasons Tommy couldn't possibly ever love him, because that was the only way he could talk himself out of all the crazy ideas that were starting to creep into his head. Like when Tommy had finally gone home on Saturday morning and Merton walked him to the front door. He'd been expecting to just say goodbye and feel a little disappointed the way he always did whenever Tommy left, then spend the rest of the day laying low in his room and trying to talk himself out of loving Tommy. What he hadn't been expecting was for Tommy to grab the front of his shirt and back him up against the wall, using his body to hold Merton up while he kissed him right there in the foyer where either one of his parents could see them.

He wasn't expecting the surge of desperate need that made him cling to Tommy, his arms around the other boy's neck and urging him closer even though there was nowhere left for Tommy to go. He didn't expect the crooked half-grin when Tommy finally pulled away, or the tenderness he was sure he'd imagined in the gentle kiss Tommy pressed to his mouth before he finally let Merton go and backed toward the front door. And that was it, three seconds later Tommy was gone and Merton knew he was going to spend the rest of the weekend wearing himself out just trying not to think about all the promises he could imagine in that single kiss if he just let himself.

Lucky for him he was smart enough to know better, even if his heart didn't want to believe him. It didn't matter what he wanted, because no matter how much he wanted Tommy to love him back it didn't change the circumstances. Even if Tommy did love him nothing would change, so maybe it was better if they never talked about it because knowing the truth might make it harder for him to walk away when school and this whatever between them was finally over.

By the time Monday morning arrived he was so sick of thinking about it that he was actually glad to go back to school, to have to watch his every step just so he'd have something to think about besides whatever it was that had passed between him and Tommy on Saturday morning. Avoiding T'n'T at least would distract him from thinking about his own heartache, because that was really the only word he could think of to describe it. It was an ache that never quite went away; when he was with Tommy it dulled enough that he almost didn't feel it for awhile, but as soon as Tommy went back to his other life the ache was back again and it always seemed just a little stronger.

Maybe he was just being dramatic, making more out of his teen angst than he needed to. Everyone he passed in the halls probably had some secret trauma that made them feel like a freak; they made enough after-school specials and teen movies about all the problems teenagers dealt with to convince him that he wasn't the only person in the world with problems. Still, they were _his_ problems and the fact that the rest of the kids at school probably felt just as out of place as him didn't really do anything to make him feel better.

And that line about misery loving company was a lie, because the last thing he wanted was to listen to somebody else whine about the extra five pounds they couldn't lose or not making the team while he felt like his heart was being ripped out every time he caught sight of Tommy in the halls and couldn't even say hello. He knew people were probably staring as he stalked the halls, insulated by a shield of self-pity and righteous indignation that pretty much assured him that nobody would even try to approach him. Even T'n'T seemed to have found something better to do than harass him, which was weirdly disappointing in a way because he wouldn't even have minded a fight right now. Not that he thought for a second he stood a chance against them, but for once he was tired enough of watching every step he took that he would have welcomed a chance to stand up to them.

It was just his luck that the one day he actually _wanted_ a showdown with two guys the size of small trees that they were nowhere to be found. So maybe there really was a higher power up there looking out for him, because with the mood he was in it wasn't that much of a stretch to imagine that he could actually get himself killed. The thought that if this was a movie he'd do something dramatic like stand up on the table in the cafeteria and announce that he was gay and having a secret affair with Tommy amused him for most of the morning.

Every time he imagined it he pictured Tommy's face, though, and that thought made his chest ache in a whole new way. It was kind of like getting a preview of what would happen when he finally had to say goodbye to Tommy that final time; when he got in his parents' car and rode to the airport in silence, never looking back even though he wanted to because he couldn't even breathe for the misery weighing down on him. He liked to torture himself by imagining it late at night when he couldn't sleep, making it more dramatic every time until finally he had to laugh at the romance novel absurdity of it all. It made him feel strangely better to laugh at himself, because maybe if he could laugh about it now before it even happened that meant that someday he'd get over Tommy and his life would go back to normal.

He was so caught up in trying to decide what exactly he meant by 'normal' that he didn't notice someone sliding onto the bench across the cafeteria table until a hand reached out and tapped his arm. When he looked up he found Lori smirking at him, and he had to stifle a groan at her expression. He knew it wasn't her fault – that for her own private reasons she was just trying to help by playing Tommy's messenger. It didn't make him resent the fact that they needed a messenger any less, though, and in his current mood he wasn't sure how nice he could be about it. "Hey, Lori."

"Hey. Everything okay? You seem a little out of it."

"I'm. Fine." Slow and drawn out, enunciating each letter because he was so tired of saying those words and he wanted them to finally sink in so people would stop asking.

"Liar." It wasn't an accusation, just Lori calling him on the fact that he wasn't fooling her and she wasn't about to pretend that he was. Maybe she knew that she wasn't the person that should be asking him if he was okay, though, because she let it drop and glanced over her shoulder toward the table where Tommy and his friends were sitting. Merton tried to pretend that he didn't know who she was looking at, didn't follow her gaze just to torture himself with another look at Tommy to add to his archives of stolen glances. When she turned back to him she pressed her lips together and tilted her head a little, tapping her fingers on the table and then finally taking a deep breath. "You should come over, we can hang out. Come by at like 6:00, I'll order pizza or something."

"Why?" Merton asked before he could stop himself. He liked Lori, but so far the sum total of their 'hanging out' together had been one movie at her place and Tommy had invited him that time. He'd been to her house so many times the guys at the gate leading into her neighborhood didn't even stop him anymore, but that was only because he was her tutor. That's what they did together, he explained Chemistry and she pretended she needed someone to explain it. It wasn't hanging out by any stretch of the imagination.

If she was offended by the question she didn't show it, though, she just shrugged and flashed him what he assumed she thought was an innocent smile. "Because we're friends and you look like you could use someone to talk to."

"I don't know if I can make it." He was getting frighteningly good at this lying thing, at least it was coming a lot more easily than he'd ever expected it to.

"6:00, Merton. I'll see you then." She stood up and picked up her books, turning away and walking out of the cafeteria before he could argue.

He knew she was just trying to be nice, and maybe she even believed that they'd somehow become what people thought of as friends. She seemed genuine whenever she talked to him and she was right about him needing someone to talk to, but it wasn't going to be her if he could help it. No matter how much Lori got off on playing go-between for him and Tommy she was still Tommy's friend first, and obviously she was pretty loyal to him if she was willing to pretend to be his girlfriend while she checked up on his boyfriend.

A dull ache throbbed against Merton's temples and he closed his eyes, dropping his head into his hands as he tried to ignore the pulsing in his forehead. He wasn't sure he was up to the challenge of being one of Tommy's complications, but every time he thought about walking away that ache in his chest got a little tighter and he wondered if it was possible to die of a broken heart. He rolled his eyes at his own penchant for drama and forced himself to stand up, congratulating himself on the fact that he didn't look back at Tommy once on his way out of the cafeteria. It was a small victory, but it was bad enough that Tommy had sent Lori over to check up on him and Merton didn't want him to think he was pining.

The halls were practically deserted as he made his way to his locker to gather his books for his next class, and he found himself thankful that at least he didn't have to deal with weird looks from any of his classmates. He wasn't even sure anymore if the weird looks were all in his mind or if people really were talking about him; he felt like he was wearing a sign on his back that said 'freak' and that no matter how hard he tried to act normal everyone knew something was going on. He stopped next to his locker and grabbed his books as quickly as he could, trying not to draw any attention to himself.

He made his way toward Calculus class, ignoring the voice in his head telling him he couldn't stand Lori up. She'd probably forget she even invited him over by the time school was out. Maybe she'd find something better to do and he wouldn't have to feel guilty about not showing up, he could just go over there tomorrow for tutoring like he always did and she'd never even mention it. He nodded at that logic and turned toward the stairs that would lead him to his classroom, but before his hand connected with the railing he felt himself being pulled backwards. His whole body tensed as he found himself hauled behind the stairs, and he struggled out of the hand gripping him and turned to face his attacker.

"Tommy? Are you crazy?" Merton gasped when he registered who had hauled him back behind the staircase. He looked over Tommy's shoulder, his heart pounding in his chest as he calculated the number of people that must have seen Tommy grab him and drag him behind the stairs.

"Yeah, maybe," Tommy answered, the thickness of his voice making Merton's heart skip a beat. "It's still lunch time, nobody saw me. I don't think so, anyway."

Merton bit back the urge to make a joke about how people would just assume Tommy was looking for a private place to beat the hell out of him, mostly because he didn't really want to think about that possibility. A couple months ago he'd assumed that if Tommy ever did notice he was alive that that would be the only reason, but now that he knew Tommy he couldn't even make jokes about the fact that they weren't supposed to know each other. "What are you doing?" he finally asked, forcing his attention back to the fact that Tommy must have a good reason for taking such a huge risk in the middle of a school day.

"You looked kinda pissed at lunch," Tommy answered. He paused and caught his bottom lip between his teeth, and Merton had to tell himself that he was imagining the nervousness in the other boy's eyes. "Then after whatever Lori said to you…I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me."

He definitely wasn't imagining that guilty look, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was. Part of him wanted to be mad at Tommy for doing this to him, for risking getting caught just to find out if Merton was okay. Knowing that Tommy actually cared made it even harder to pretend that they were strangers, but hadn't he just been wishing a few minutes ago that he knew how Tommy felt about him? Finally he let out a deep breath and glanced over Tommy's shoulder to make sure no one was watching before he reached out and squeezed Tommy's hand. "Why would I be mad at you?"

Tommy sighed and looked down at the floor between them, the pause stretching out into an almost palpable tension before he looked back up at Merton. When their eyes locked again Merton had to struggle to stifle a gasp at the raw pain in Tommy's eyes. And suddenly he didn't want to have this conversation; wanted to crawl as far inside himself as he could so Tommy couldn't reach him with those eyes that told him everything neither one of them wanted to say out loud. He wanted to run, as far and as fast as his legs would carry him, and never look back to see that Tommy wasn't following.

A second later Tommy blinked and everything he wasn't saying was gone, pulled back easily and locked somewhere deep inside where nobody could reach in and hurt him with the truth. Merton reminded himself to breathe and forced his own expression back to blank, wishing for one insane moment that it really had been Tim and Travis that hauled him under the stairs to teach him another lesson.

"Forget it, I guess I'm just having an off day or something," Tommy finally said, his voice almost even as he took a step backwards and ran his hands through his hair. He forced a shaky grin that made Merton want to forget the fact that they were standing under a stairway in school, that the truth was so dangerous that even they couldn't admit it out loud. He wanted to pull Tommy forward and wrap his arms around him, listen to the sound of Tommy's heart beating through his shirt and pretend that nothing bad would happen if someone happened to walk by before he was ready to let go.

He opened his mouth to say something, to tell Tommy that it wasn't just him and he was mad but not because of anything Tommy did. Before he found a way to say the words the bell rang, and Merton swallowed a surge of frustration and leaned back against the wall. He told himself it didn't matter that Tommy was already backing away, that he was more worried about someone catching them together than he was about making sure things were okay between them. If they even could be okay considering neither of them ever talked about what they were doing and Tommy practically had to sneak out of his house just so they could see each other.

He braced himself for the sight of Tommy walking away, but before the other boy got more than a few feet away from him he let out a frustrated growl and closed the distance between them again. Merton didn't bother trying to hide the shudder that rolled through him as he found himself once again pressed up against Tommy, his gaze darting to the hallway as the buzzing of a dozen different conversations floated toward them. "Tommy…" he murmured, although he wasn't sure if he was trying to talk him into or out of what he was about to do.

"We have a game Friday night," Tommy whispered against his neck, nuzzling the warm skin where Merton's neck and shoulder met. And it didn't make any sense that he was taking his time, for God's sake, but the first press of soft lips below his earlobe was enough to make Merton almost forget that they were going to get caught. Tommy's mouth moved along his jaw, each press of lips against hot skin sending a fresh jolt of desire straight to Merton's groin. "Can I come over after? It'll probably be around 9:00."

The last part was whispered directly against his mouth, and even if he wanted to there was no way Merton would be able to refuse. He surged forward, one hand fisting in Tommy's hair and the other closing around the front of his shirt to tug him closer. When they finally parted he could only nod, ignoring the fact that his cheeks were flushed and his breath was coming in sharp pants as Tommy grinned and backed away again. A second later he was gone, the taste of kiss on Merton's tongue the only thing to tell him that he hadn't just imagined the entire conversation. He didn't even think about moving until after the late bell rang, and even then he waited another minute or two to make sure no one would see him slip out from behind the stairs with a slightly dazed grin.


	22. Chapter 22

"Hey. Come on in."

Merton resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he brushed past Lori into the house. He'd told himself all afternoon that he wasn't going to come over, that he didn't have anything to talk to her about and the last thing he wanted to do was avoid answering the questions he knew she was going to ask. He'd gone home and tried to do his homework, intent on blowing Lori off and making up an excuse tomorrow if he had to. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep his mind off Tommy and what happened under the stairwell, though, so he'd finally driven over to Lori's house out of sheer desperation.

He waited while she shut the door behind him, glancing around the foyer he'd seen enough times now to not be intimidated by anymore. It was still a little daunting to be in Lori Baxter's house, but he did a pretty good job of pretending he didn't think anything of it. At least he hoped she couldn't tell how nervous he was every time he walked through her front door. In the beginning it was the prospect of having to go through a guard only to pull up in front of a house that was easily three times the size of his, but the more he got to know Lori the more he'd started to worry about what she was going to ask him next.

They made their way downstairs in silence, Merton trailing behind Lori as he promised himself he wasn't going to tell her anything about Tommy. For one thing he didn't really feel comfortable talking to anyone about their relationship, and then there was the possibility – no, probability – that she'd just call Tommy as soon as he left and report everything Merton had said. In fact if Tommy hadn't pulled him under the stairs during lunch to make sure Merton wasn't mad he'd still think that Tommy put Lori up to inviting him over. Now he wasn't so sure; the logical part of his brain kept trying to convince him that Tommy might have done that just to throw him off, but the part of him that wanted to trust his boyfriend wouldn't let him believe it.

At least not completely, because what kind of boyfriend could he really be if he didn't trust Tommy at all? Not that their relationship anywhere close to normal, not when they had to sneak around to see each other and it was a major risk just to spend a couple minutes alone during school. Still, the memory of Tommy pressed up against him under the stairs had kept him distracted all afternoon, and he was sure Lori would be able to tell something was on his mind the minute she got a good look at him.

When they reached the family room she motioned him over to the couch and disappeared behind the bar, resurfacing with a soda in each hand. True to her word, there was a pizza box on the coffee table and Merton was surprised to find that he was hungry even though his stomach lurched every time a stray memory of the kiss under the stairwell snuck up on him. She settled down in a chair next to the couch and flipped open the box, pulling out a piece of pizza before shoving the box in Merton's direction. For a few minutes neither of them said anything, and the longer the silence stretched out the more nervous Merton got about why Lori had invited him over. He knew she wanted to talk, but talking could mean a lot of different things and he wasn't at all sure he was ready for a conversation with her.

"So what's going on with you?" Lori asked suddenly, startling him out of his thoughts and nearly making him choke on a mouthful of soda.

When he caught his breath and managed to swallow without spitting soda all over the coffee table and his clothes he ventured a glance at her. "What do you mean?"

Lori rolled her eyes and let out an exaggerated sigh as she leaned forward to meet his gaze. "I mean the way you were brooding this morning, and the way you always look like you're expecting something bad to happen any second. You're not that way when you're here, at least not usually. Right now you're acting a little nervous. So what's going on?"

"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" he asked. "If I look nervous at school it's because usually something bad _is_ about to happen. Tim and Travis hate me, I have to watch every single step. Then there's this whole thing with Tommy…"

"You like him, don't you?"

Merton didn't bother to hide his surprise at the question; he'd just assumed that Tommy told Lori most of the things that went on between them, which meant she'd have to know that he liked Tommy. Hopefully Tommy hadn't told her _everything_ , but it was possible considering how close they seemed to be. "Yeah, of course I like him. I like him a lot."

"Good." Lori smiled and reached for another piece of pizza, arranging it on her plate before she looked back up at him again. "Look, if I promise not to tell Tommy anything you say then you can't tell him anything I say either, okay?"

He nodded mutely, too caught up in wondering where she was going with this to remember that he'd promised himself he wasn't going to tell her anything period. The fact that she wasn't even sure if he liked Tommy was enough of a surprise without Lori telling him stuff that would upset his boyfriend.

"He'd seriously kill me if he knew we were having this conversation. If I even ask how things are going with you he tells me to mind my own business, I have to drag everything out of him."

"You mean he…?" Merton trailed off, his cheeks flushing as it sank in that Tommy didn't run right to Lori to tell her every detail of their relationship the second he left Merton's house.

"What, did he tell me what you two do when you're alone? Don't worry, he hasn't said anything incriminating. I mean it doesn't bother me, but he's got this weird thing about privacy." She grinned as he blushed an even deeper shade of red and squirmed a little on the couch. "If I'd known you were gonna be just as bad I probably wouldn't have bothered."

"I don't get it. You actually _want_ to know what we…why?"

Lori shrugged as though the answer should be obvious, but none of it made any sense to Merton. Not her interest in him, not the fact that she let everybody at school think she and Tommy were the It Couple of Pleasantville High. "Why not? I mean it's not like there's anything going on in my life, might as well live vicariously through my friends."

He filed Lori's apparent fascination with his sex life in the part of his brain allocated to things he never, ever needed to think about, shaking his head glumly as he wondered how he'd gotten himself in this situation. It was bad enough to be half of what had to be the most scandalous relationship to hit Pleasantville in years; the fact that somehow, whether he liked it or not, Lori was an important part of his relationship was a little too uncomfortable to think about.

"Merton?"

Most of the blood in his body was pooled in his cheeks and he knew for sure that he'd never live through the end of this conversation, but he had to ask. It was like he didn't even have a choice, he just had to know. "The whole school thinks you're his girlfriend."

He wasn't sure if she'd understand what exactly he was trying to ask from one whispered sentence, but when he ventured a glance over at her she was looking at him with such sympathy that he winced and looked away again. Maybe it shouldn't bother him – he'd tried telling himself a thousand times that it didn't matter what the kids at school thought, but no matter how hard he tried to ignore it he always came back to that one thought. No matter how innocent Tommy and Lori's relationship was, she was still the most important relationship in Tommy's life. At least publicly, and that mattered a lot even if it shouldn't.

"Who cares what they think? It's not like it's true. I mean I like you and all, but not enough to share a guy with you."

He matched her grin in spite of himself, forcing himself to relax a little. It wasn't Lori's fault everyone at school assumed she and Tommy were dating, and if she wasn't around to help Tommy keep up appearances things would probably be even harder for him and Merton. "How'd that happen, anyway?" he heard himself ask.

"What, my so-called relationship with Tommy? I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, I guess. When I first saw him he was right in the middle of breaking up with Stacey, it was this huge, messy scene in front of all their friends. Just the usual 'you care more about football than us' and a lot of Tommy looking embarrassed and pretty much at a loss for what to say. He just looked so pathetic standing there while she yelled at him, so I created a diversion."

"A diversion?"

Lori nodded and bounced a little in her chair, her eyes lit up in amusement at the memory. "Yeah, I 'accidentally' bumped into Stacey and spilled a soda all over her. She forgot about screaming at Tommy once she was soaking wet, and a couple of her little cheerleader drones drug her off to the bathroom to clean her up. Tommy apologized to me for a couple of the choice things she called me." She paused and flashed a warm grin at Merton. "I remember thinking that he was a really good guy, to try to apologize for some chick that had been reading him the riot act a minute ago. It took less than ten minutes for somebody to come up with a rumor that I dumped my drink on Stacey because I was jealous, and from there it turned into Tommy dumping her for me."

"Why didn't you just set everybody straight?"

Another shrug and she picked up her soda, her smile faltering as she thought about the best way to answer his question. "I didn't really care what Tommy's friends thought. So I figured if he wasn't going to set them straight why should I bother? I mean it only took me about five seconds alone with him to figure out he wasn't interested in me, so it wasn't like I was hoping. He was the only person I knew at Pleasantville, though, so I started hanging out with him and it didn't take long to figure out _why_ he wasn't interested. Anyway if he hadn't told me I would've known the first time I saw him look at you."

Merton flushed again, ignoring her knowing smirk and the warmth that crept through him at the thought of Tommy watching him at school. "He doesn't look at me."

"Of course he doesn't do it when you're looking." She rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath about boys and denial. "If anybody saw you guys looking at each other in school they'd know the truth before you had a chance to blink." She paused when she caught the mixture of hope and misery etched in Merton's features, sighing sympathetically and softening her voice. "I know Tommy's not much of a talker so he probably hasn't said anything to you, but it's not like he wants it this way. If it wasn't for his dad I don't think he'd really care what anybody at school thought. For what it's worth."

Merton managed a small smile, swallowing the rush of fear he got whenever someone mentioned Tommy's parents. He knew that if the truth got out Tommy's life would be miserable, not to mention that they'd probably never see each other again. If Tommy's dad didn't kill him he'd definitely make Tommy's life difficult, and if he was allowed out of the house at all it would only be to go to school and practice. "Yeah, I know. I mean about his dad…he's talked about him a little."

"He's got this idea in his head that if he can just make it to college that maybe his dad will back off," she said, shaking her head in a way that let Merton know that she knew as well as he did that Tommy was lying to himself. "At first I thought he really believed that, that when he got to college he could just do what he wanted and his dad wouldn't hassle him as long as he played well. After awhile I figured out that it's the only way he can cope – like he has to tell himself that so he doesn't lose it completely, you know?"

The ever-present ache in Merton's chest twisted painfully, and he found himself gasping sharply against the sensation. He knew Tommy's home life was screwed up, but he'd never really stopped to think about all the denial Tommy had to live with. There was no way he was ever going to be able to stop pretending, not as long as he worried about his father's approval. Nothing would change once he got to college; he'd still be living under their roof, playing football on a scholarship his father got for him. He'd still be living out the life his older brother hadn't wanted, and as far as Merton could tell Tommy had never even thought about telling his father he didn't want it either.

Along with the heartbreak he felt for Tommy came the guilt of knowing that they never really talked about anything when they were together. In some ways he knew Tommy better than anyone, but there was so much about him that Merton didn't know. It was strange that he could be so completely in love with someone and know less about him than the girl that pretended to be his girlfriend. He let out a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair, willing himself to stop thinking about something he couldn't change. It wasn't like he could just bring this stuff up with Tommy; their relationship was such a weird balance of silent understandings that he knew any little misstep would ruin everything. He wanted to know everything about Tommy, but at the same time just the thought of talking to him about any of this made his stomach turn.

"He can't live like that forever," Merton said, casting an almost desperate glance at Lori. "He'll drive himself crazy. Or worse."

As soon as he said it he saw all the possibilities flash in her eyes, and he knew without hearing it that she understood exactly what he meant. There was no way anybody could live with that kind of pressure forever, and Tommy was already having a hard time with it. Merton could tell that much from the few slips he'd made so far in their relationship, from the way Tommy took chances with kissing him at school to the way he'd stumbled into the kitchen right in front of Merton's parents without bothering to pretend they hadn't spent the night together. Sometimes he wondered if Tommy even knew what he was risking, or if part of him was so sick of living his father's dream that he wanted to get caught.

"He used to be wound a lot tighter, believe it or not," Lori said, drawing his attention back to her. "Since you…well, he's a lot more distracted but he's definitely more relaxed."

Merton was caught between the secret thrill of knowing what a huge affect he had on Tommy and fear of the responsibility that put on his shoulders. Even if Tommy did feel even half of what Merton felt for him, that still didn't change the fact that everything ended when they graduated. He knew better than to try to lie to himself that they could keep things going long distance, even if Tommy wanted to he was smart enough to know it wouldn't work. Their lives would be way too different, and eventually somebody would get hurt. It made more sense to just make a clean break in May, but suddenly Merton was terrified of what that would do to Tommy.

He didn't realize he was shaking his head until he felt a hand land on his shoulder, and he flushed when he realized Lori had moved over to the couch. She was frowning at him, all her usual amusement edged out by a concerned expression. "I didn't mean to freak you out, I mean I thought you'd want to know that he likes you."

"It's not that," he said, wincing when his voice broke. "I'm just…it's a lot, that's all. A couple hours ago I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing, and now…"

"Look, Merton, you're a good guy. You're smart and you're nice and despite all the crap you put up with at school you've still got a sense of humor about things. I can definitely see why Tommy likes you so much, but you can't save him from his life. Nobody can, and believe me, I've tried talking sense into him when it comes to his dad. He wants to do it the hard way, and no matter how hard it is to watch we have to let him figure it out for himself."

He managed a feeble grin before he fixed his gaze on the floor in front of him, not trusting himself to answer her with words. There was so much more to it than she realized, starting with how strong his feelings for Tommy were and ending with the fact that in a few months he'd be gone for good. He didn't think it was possible to be any more confused than he was when he found himself driving over to Lori's house, but now his head was spinning and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to stand up without falling over. She was right that neither of them could solve Tommy's problems for him, but until tonight he hadn't really stopped to consider quite how complicated Tommy's life was. Even sneaking in one night a week with Merton was a risk, and they had less than sixteen weeks left to be together.

His stomach lurched again and he found himself wishing he hadn't eaten after all, worried that he'd throw up on Lori's parents' expensive-looking carpet. "I should go," he said, his voice soft and a little rougher than he'd been going for.

"I totally made things worse, didn't I?" she asked with a small sigh.

"No, everything's fine," he lied, forcing himself to smile at her. It was obvious from her expression that she wasn't buying it, but he hated the thought of her feeling guilty over something that wasn't her fault. "I've just got a bunch of homework to do tonight."

"Look, Merton, I know I haven't known you or Tommy for that long, but you guys are both pretty strong. I mean you've been putting up with those idiots at school your whole life, and Tommy's got a lot of experience dealing with his dad. It'll all work out."

She looked so hopeful, so desperate to believe that it really would work out, that he couldn't help hoping she was right. "Maybe. Thanks for the pizza, Lori."

"Any time," she answered as she followed him up the stairs. He managed an almost cheerful grin as he waved goodbye to her, waiting until he heard the front door shut behind him before he let his shoulders fall. She wasn't any more convinced than he was that things would work out for Tommy, but she was right that they couldn't do anything about it. Still, he couldn't help wondering if there was anything he could say to Tommy to make things change, or maybe just to make it a little easier for both of them.

Knowing that Tommy had genuine feelings for him made it a little easier to deal with the fact that they had to be so careful all the time, and it even erased a little of the hurt every time he heard someone at school talking about Tommy and Lori as though they were a package deal. He knew it was all an act so that nobody would ask any uncomfortable questions, and the fact that he was Lori's tutor gave Tommy an excuse to talk to him at all. If anyone asked he could just brush off the question by referring to Merton as his girlfriend's tutor, say something vague about giving the kid a break and no one would think twice about it. As long as Tommy's image as Pleasantville's Golden Boy was intact nobody would bother them, and the little time they managed to spend together was more than Merton ever would have hoped for.

So he should be grateful that Tommy was willing to take the risk at all; he should be happy that his fantasy about having Tommy all to himself had actually come true and let that be enough. If that was what it took to make Tommy's life a little easier Merton would do it. He wasn't sure how, but somehow he'd swallow what little pride he had left and take what he could get of Tommy for as long as he could. He pushed the thought of how little time they really had to the back of his mind and climbed into his car, telling himself he was going home to focus on his History homework and not to obsess about what Tommy was doing.


	23. Chapter 23

Friday was quickly becoming Merton's favorite day of the week; his favorite word, even, because no matter how long the week behind him stretched out he knew that Friday brought an end to the waiting. A temporary end, because it all started again the very next day, but as long as it was still Friday he had something to look forward to. He knew it was pathetic to live his life for one night out of the entire week, but ever since the first time Tommy kissed him he'd been breathing only for the next kiss and nothing he'd tried so far could change that.

He'd tried telling himself he was being stupid, tried convincing himself that he was getting too wrapped up in a relationship that wasn't even real. He'd nearly convinced himself to give up on Tommy a few times, only to remember how those lips felt pressed against his or the way Tommy tasted on his tongue. He'd get a flash of hot skin moving against his right in the middle of the day, making him blush in the middle of whatever class he happened to be in. The thought of giving that up was…well, it was unthinkable. If he could just forget how right it felt to be with Tommy long enough to walk away he could make a clean break, but every time he tried his entire body betrayed him.

It was like Tommy's touch was imprinted on his skin; even the thought of an arm around his shoulder while they watched a movie together was enough to convince him he couldn't end things between them. Not that he really thought he could just walk away, but it was nice to pretend for a little while that he had that kind of strength. It made him wonder what he was going to do when school ended and he had to walk away, but he hadn't heard from Johns Hopkins yet so maybe there was still hope for a nice, quiet summer in Pleasantville.

As soon as school ended Merton practically raced for his car, desperate to get away from the high school before he had another run-in with Tim and Travis. He'd managed to avoid them since the beginning of the week, although it meant steering clear of the few times during the day when he actually had a chance to catch a glimpse of Tommy in the hallway. He hadn't spoken to Tommy since Monday under the stairs, but every once in awhile he'd glance across the cafeteria and find his boyfriend watching him. As soon as he looked up Tommy would look away, but the split second of eye contact always filled Merton with a warmth that was half desire and half fear.

Not that he didn't like the fact that Tommy was looking at him, but if he'd noticed then sooner or later someone else was going to notice. In the beginning the risk of getting caught had seemed almost thrilling, an extra rush of adrenaline to go along with the rush he always got from kissing Tommy. Now that he knew what it would cost Tommy, though, it didn't seem worth the risk. Not when the other boy's whole future was at stake, and from what Merton knew of Tommy's father that was exactly what he stood to lose.

He let himself into his house and made his way to the kitchen, smiling distractedly at his father as he headed for the fridge. "There's some mail for you, son," Mr. Dingle said, raising an eyebrow when Merton glanced over at him.

"Thanks," Merton mumbled, grabbing a Coke and an apple before he headed over to the table and sank into the chair next to his father. He picked up the envelope his father set in front of him, setting his snack down and swallowing hard when he saw the return address. He'd been working for this moment for almost a year, pouring everything into building up his student portfolio and making sure he had all the grades and the best letters of recommendation. When he was a junior spending the summer in Washington D.C. had seemed like a dream come true; not only did it get him out of Pleasantville three months early, but he'd be studying Chemistry and earning college credit before he even started college.

Now, though, the thought of opening that envelope and reading what he was positive was an acceptance letter filled him with a sense of dread. There was no way he'd get turned down for a spot in the program, he'd never be that lucky. If he got turned down he'd have a perfect excuse to spend the summer with Tommy, but he knew he'd gotten in. He didn't even have to open the envelope, except that his father was sitting next to him and he knew if he didn't open it his dad would start to ask questions.

He took a deep breath and turned it over, running a shaky finger under the flap to break the seal. Once the envelope was open he pulled out two sheets of paper, holding his breath as he unfolded them and began to read. He never got past the first line: _Dear Mr. Dingle, We are pleased to inform you that your application for the Summer Research Institute has been accepted…_. As soon as he registered the word 'accepted' he stopped reading, his gaze still fixed on the paper in his hand without seeing the words.

So that was that, in less than four months he'd say goodbye to Tommy forever. Of course they would have had to say goodbye eventually anyway, but this just made it seem so much more…final. Not to mention that if he'd been staying home for the summer it would have given them another two and a half months together, and Tommy's father couldn't possibly have kept him busy the entire time. It didn't matter now if Tommy had to work full time at the garage all summer or even if he spent the summer training for his bright future in the NFL; either way Merton would be halfway across the country and Tommy would forget about him in no time.

And yeah, if he was going to be honest with himself that was the part that hurt the worst, that Tommy would forget him long before he could ever forget Tommy. It seemed inevitable, though, because Tommy's life would be filled with games and parties and popularity while Merton drowned himself in science in a new place where he didn't know anyone. He'd never been that good at making new friends, and now he was going to be over a thousand miles from everything he'd ever known. Meanwhile Tommy would be surrounded by kids that had worshipped him in high school, and his life wouldn't really change all that much. The only real difference would be that he wouldn't have to sneak around to spend time with Merton anymore.

He'd wondered how long it would take Tommy to replace him, but suddenly the possibility seemed all too real and it made breathing a little harder than usual. The weight on his chest pressed down, cutting off the air supply to his lungs. He was vaguely aware of the letter being pulled out of his hands and set on the table in front of him, but he didn't look up to see his father's worried expression.

"Son? Merton, just calm down and breathe for me."

His lungs filled automatically, his body acting independently of his brain as he blinked and tried to focus on his father. There was worry in the older man's expression, but also an unmistakable spark of pride that made Merton's stomach twist painfully. Once his father was convinced he wasn't going to hyperventilate he picked up the letter again, scanning the contents before he turned back to Merton.

"Honestly, Merton, you don't give yourself enough credit. Did you really think you wouldn't get in? Just wait until your mother gets home, she'll probably want to frame this. I never doubted you for a second, though. Johns Hopkins – that's quite an honor, but you're up to the challenge."

He tuned his father's voice out after that, although he was vaguely aware in the back of his consciousness of the other man going on and on about the details of the letter. There would be time soon enough to worry about when he was supposed to show up at the school and where he'd be staying; for now the thought of leaving Tommy behind edged out everything else in his mind. All day long the thought of Tommy coming over after the game had been the only thing that kept him going, but in less than five minutes his good mood was gone. There was no way he could tell Tommy what was bothering him, not without admitting to feelings that he really didn't want to tell Tommy about. Even if the other boy did feel some kind of affection for him it couldn't be as strong as what Merton felt, and he wasn't going to risk scaring Tommy away by telling him the truth.

"Something on your mind?"

"What?" Merton shook himself out of his thoughts and looked up at his father, his heart skipping a beat as he recognized the older man's expression. He must have asked Merton a question about the program, and now he knew that Merton hadn't even been listening to him. "Sorry, Dad, I guess I was just thinking about the summer."

"It's certainly exciting," Mr. Dingle said, although from his guarded smile Merton could tell he wasn't buying it. The best thing to do was get out of there and retreat to the safety of his room before his father decided to start grilling him about his distraction. He stood up and backed toward the door, his Coke and apple forgotten on the table.

"Yeah, I'm…uh, I'm gonna go check out the web site again. Gotta make a list of what to bring and all." He turned without waiting for an answer and pushed the kitchen door open, escaping down the hall and into his room before his father could stop him. Once he was alone he took a deep breath and glanced around at the clothes and books strewn all over the place, for once grateful that his room needed to be cleaned. At least it would give him something to do for a little while, and hopefully keep his mind off Tommy and his summer plans.

~

When the doorbell finally rang just after 9:00 Merton's room was spotless, his keyboard had been cleaned – twice – and he'd rearranged his closet by color. Most of his homework was done and he'd even gotten a head start on researching the History paper he knew was coming up, but the entire time he'd been doing busywork he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy. He was always there, right at the edge of Merton's subconscious. Every so often he'd get a moment's reprieve from wondering what Tommy was doing, who he was talking to and what he was thinking about. It would only last a second, though, then he'd realize that he'd forgotten and go right back to thinking about Tommy.

He'd been uncharacteristically quiet during dinner, answering his parents' enthusiastic questions about his acceptance letter with polite but short answers. It was obvious to both of them that he was brooding about something, but he refused to talk about it and eventually they gave up trying to get him to tell them. Even Becky decided it was a good idea to just leave him alone, announcing shortly after dinner that she was going to spend the night at a friend's. So Merton was left to what had become a familiar obsession, wondering what Tommy was doing and how long they'd have together before he had to go back to that other life that didn't include Merton.

For all he knew Tommy wouldn't even be able to stay long enough to watch a movie, because if he had to go home that night he'd have to be there by 11:00. Which gave them less than two hours together, and if Tommy was held up after the game it gave them even less time. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the doorbell finally rang, tripping over his own feet in his hurry to get to it before either of his parents did. When he reached the door he stopped and took a deep breath, glancing down at his clothes and scowling at the wrinkles in his shirt before he pulled the door open and promptly forgot how to breathe.

Tommy leaned against the doorframe, his hair still damp from a post-game shower and a lazy grin turning up the corners of his mouth. He shut the door behind him before pulling Merton forward, a strong hand landing on the back of the smaller boy's neck as Tommy leaned down and brushed their lips together. If either of his parents happened into the hallway at that moment they would have heard the grunt of surprise from Tommy as he found himself pushed back against the front door, his other hand landing on Merton's waist to tug him impossibly closer.

The only rational thought Merton was capable of at that moment was that four days was way too long to wait for this; in fact four minutes seemed a waste of time if it wasn't spent kissing Tommy, and the idea that his parents might see them didn't even register. Even when he pulled away to catch his breath it didn't occur to him to put any space between them, not when Tommy was warm and solid pressed up against him. He looked up into bright green eyes, registering a slightly more dazed version of Tommy's grin as he dove for the other boy's lips again.

Tommy met him halfway, teeth clashing in a way that should have made them blush and pull away. It had been way too long since they'd gotten the chance to just be together, though, so Merton ignored the awkward start and set about making their second kiss of the evening even more amazing than the first. Or maybe this was just an extension of the first…he wasn't sure, but it didn't matter when Tommy's hand slid to the small of his back to pull him flush against the body pressing into the front door. He groaned at the evidence of Tommy's arousal pressing into his hip, alarms going off in his head when he realized how quickly this could get out of hand.

They were still standing right in front of the door, after all, and even if his parents had more or less sanctioned their relationship that didn't mean they'd be okay with finding them making out in the foyer. Somehow he managed to garner enough will power to pull away, taking an unsteady step backwards and shaking his head mournfully. "Uh…hi."

"Hi," Tommy echoed, his voice breathy as his chest rose and fell erratically. "Parents?"

"Kitchen."

"Shit."

"Yeah." Merton grinned sheepishly and glanced over his shoulder, ensuring himself that his parents were in fact still in the kitchen and not watching the show they were putting on in the hallway. "Don't suppose you want to say hi."

Tommy groaned and pushed himself off the door, taking a deep breath and running his fingers through his hair as he tried to pull himself together long enough to make small talk with Merton's parents. "I think I'm okay."

"That makes one of us," Merton said as he turned away from the other boy and led him in the direction of the kitchen. He'd told his parents at dinner that Tommy was coming over after the game, but he knew if he didn't at least stick his head in the kitchen and announce Tommy's presence that they'd come looking for them in his room. He stifled a sigh and pushed the door open, thanking whoever was listening that neither of his parents looked up. "Mom, Dad, Tommy's here."

As soon as he said Tommy's name Mr. Dingle did look up, smiling cheerfully as he beckoned them into the kitchen. "Tommy, wonderful to see you. How was the game?"

"We lost," Tommy answered, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth as he watched Merton's father frown in disappointment. "I didn't really feel like going out to celebrate with the team after so it's okay."

"You must be hungry after running around a basketball court," Merton's mother chimed in, standing up and heading for the stove before either boy had a chance to respond. "You boys run along and start your movie and I'll make you some popcorn."

"I don't know if Tommy can stay that long," Merton said. He ventured a glance over at Tommy, praying he didn't look as hopeful as he felt. "Don't you have to get home soon?"

Tommy shook his head, the smile that lit up his features making Merton's stomach flip as he glanced over at his mother. "No, I can hang out for awhile. Thanks, Mrs. Dingle, I'm starving."

She smiled indulgently and shooed them out of the kitchen, either oblivious to or ignoring the frustrated look on her son's face. He led Tommy back toward the family room, glancing down the hall to make sure his father hadn't followed him before he turned his attention back to the other boy. "We don't have to watch a movie if you don't want. I mean we could go hang out in my room but my mom's gonna come in at some point…" He trailed off, his cheeks flushing furiously. He was tempted to roll his eyes at himself for not being able to talk about sex considering what they'd already done together, but doing it and actually discussing it were too entirely different things. What he really wanted to do was drag Tommy down the hall to his room and get him out of all those clothes, but there was no way that was going to happen with his parents right down the hall.

"Your parents know…I mean about you and me, right?"

Merton blinked, blushing an even deeper shade of red as he nodded confirmation of the unexpected question. "Yeah, I mean I don't know how they figured it out…"

Tommy glanced over his shoulder to make sure neither of Merton's parents were listening before he reached out and pulled the other boy down onto the couch with him. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Merton's mouth, planting soft kisses along his jaw to stop at his ear. "It probably wasn't that hard to figure out," he murmured, hot breath sending shivers of anticipation straight to Merton's groin. "I mean they're so cool about it, it's kind of nice to have one place where we don't have to worry about it, right?"

Just when Merton thought he couldn't be any more grateful for his parents than he already was, Tommy pointed out another reason he hadn't thought of. He was right, of course; inside Merton's house was the only place where they could really relax and not worry about who was going to see them together. As long as his sister wasn't home, anyway. "I guess so. Why?"

He stifled a disappointed sigh as Tommy pulled back to look at him, a strong hand coming up to trace the curve of his neck. "I told my dad I was staying over with one of the guys from the team tonight," Tommy said. Merton barely caught a flash of embarrassment in his eyes before Tommy looked down at their still entwined hands. "I mean I can still go home if you want, but I don't have to."

The thought that Tommy was at all worried that Merton wouldn't want him to stay almost made him laugh, but as soon as he remembered what his parents had said last weekend he sighed and looked away. "I don't want you to go, but my parents…they're not that cool about _everything_." He paused and took a deep breath, forcing himself to meet the other boy's gaze. "After last weekend…they said you can still stay over, but you have to sleep in the guest room."

"Oh." Merton watched as Tommy's normally golden skin slowly turned pink, the part of his brain that wasn't busy dying of humiliation registering that Tommy looked even more beautiful when he blushed. "So they…"

"Yeah," Merton interrupted before Tommy could finish his sentence. The thought that his parents knew that Tommy was his boyfriend was one thing, but entertaining the thought that they might have actually heard them…he shut down the thought as soon as it surfaced and cleared his throat nervously. "Pretty much."

"Okay." Tommy paused and looked away again, and for an agonizing moment Merton thought he might actually change his mind about staying if it meant they couldn't spend the whole night together. Then Tommy turned back and grinned sheepishly, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red. "They're cool with me staying over, though? I mean as long as I don't actually sleep in your room…and they don't care if I put my arm around you or whatever while we're watching the movie?"

Merton shrugged, hoping the relief flooding his system didn't show on his face. "I guess not. I mean they weren't mad or anything, I think they're just trying to do the responsible parent thing. And there's my sister, she's not here tonight but she's been known to barge in unannounced. So basically as long as everybody keeps their clothes on there's no problem."

If it was possible to actually die of embarrassment Merton was sure he would have done it already, but this conversation was definitely on his list of most embarrassing moments to date. Never in his wildest dreams had he pictured himself sitting on the couch with Tommy in his parents' family room, calmly discussing how far was too far where his parents were concerned. The fact that Tommy still wanted to stay was enough to keep a grin permanently affixed on his face for at least the next week, but the thought that they could find a way around his parents' 'separate rooms' rule was too good to be true. Tommy was right – as long as they were careful and he actually slept in the guest room his parents probably wouldn't even know.

"So what movie are we watching?" Tommy asked, his grin matching Merton's as the smaller boy shook himself out of his reverie and looked up.

"Whatever you want," Merton answered, standing up and tugging Tommy off the couch to dig through his video collection. He barely registered the titles as he rattled them off, positive that as soon as the movie ended he wouldn't even remember what they'd watched. The idea of spending a couple hours cuddling on the couch with Tommy didn't seem so much like torture after all, not when he knew they had the whole night to look forward to.


	24. Chapter 24

Not only did Merton remember what movies they'd watched, he remembered every painstaking detail of _Nightmare on Elm Street_ – parts I _and_ II. Not that he didn't already have them both pretty much memorized, but the fact that his parents had chosen to stay up much later than usual just made him more aware of everything that was going on around him. Halfway into the first movie he expected his mother to come in and say goodnight, and when she didn't he had a suspicion they were staying up just to see if Tommy was going to go home at some point. He thought he'd taken care of that problem when he went into the kitchen after the end of the first movie and announced as casually as possible that yes, Tommy was staying over, and yes, he remembered about the guestroom.

That wasn't good enough, though; no, his parents wouldn't rest until they both walked into the family room at the exact moment that Tommy decided it would be a really good idea to kiss Merton. They'd sat through one blood-drenched horror masterpiece without more than an arm loosely draped around his shoulders, but the second Tommy finally relaxed enough to move things along his parents decided to say goodnight. They never had that kind of radar when Merton was sort-of-dating Alistair. Of course most of their sort-of-dates had happened either at Alistair's house or in Merton's car, but that wasn't really the point. No, the point was that Merton's parents were on to him, and they'd made it very clear without ever having to say a word.

Merton wasn't even embarrassed that they'd caught him and Tommy kissing. Okay, maybe a little, if the color of his face when his father cleared his throat meant anything at all. More than anything he was just annoyed that they were torturing him, though, because it was bad enough that he and Tommy had to sneak around without his parents hovering around them when they finally got some time together. And he could just tell by the look on his mom's face that she was dying to make some comment about how cute they were or something, maybe ask if she could take a picture like they were going to the prom. He knew he should be grateful that his parents didn't think he was a freak or throw him out of the house for shaming the family the way Tommy's parents probably would, but he just couldn't work up any gratitude. Not when they were deliberately trying to make him so uncomfortable that he wouldn't even think about trying to sneak Tommy into his bedroom.

Not that he was planning on doing that. He was smarter than that; smart enough to know that while his bedroom was separated from his parents' only by the hallway, the guestroom was a converted den all the way at the end of the house. And it had a lock.

So it was with a single-minded determination that Merton sat through the second movie without ever trying to convince Tommy that his parents really had gone to bed and it would be safe for them to kiss again. He didn't even try to convince Tommy that there was no reason to be embarrassed about his parents catching them kissing, it wouldn't do any good anyway and he had other things in mind for the night ahead of them. When the movie ended he sent Tommy to the guestroom alone, handed over some towels and the toothbrush he'd gotten from his last trip to the dentist and never used, and gone to his own room. He shut the door and got undressed, slipped into a pair of cotton pajama bottoms and brushed his teeth. He shut the bathroom door that led to his bedroom and opened the one that led to Becky's room, feeling his way through the unfamiliar bedroom in the dark without making a single noise that would attract his parents' attention.

He had a feeling he should feel like some kind of deviant for sneaking around his own house just so he could go slip into bed with his boyfriend, but all he really felt as he closed Becky's door and made his way down the hall was a sense of triumph. Of course there was a good chance his parents figured he was planning to do this anyway and they just wanted him to know they didn't condone it, but he was still pretty pleased with himself when he closed and locked the guestroom door behind him. As soon as he slipped into the room Tommy looked up, his grin tempered by a nervous energy that made Merton's heart skip a beat.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked from his seat on the edge of the bed. He'd already stripped down to his boxers, and as Merton took in the expanse of bare skin just waiting to be touched he couldn't help thinking that it was a very, very good idea indeed.

"Positive," he answered as he crossed the room and climbed onto the bed next to Tommy. He knelt down behind the taller boy, flattening his palms against broad shoulders before he began kneading the tension out of the other boy's muscles. "My room's right across from theirs, if I'd been thinking at all the last time you slept over I would have thought of that."

"Yeah, but what if they decide to check up on us?" Tommy said, although there was no real force behind his words as he let his neck fall forward in response to the impromptu massage. "I mean if you're not in your room…"

"That's a chance we're gonna have to take," Merton answered, sounding more confident than he felt. The truth was that if his parents caught him breaking the only real rule they'd laid down about his relationship with Tommy that would probably end any future sleepovers, but he was willing to risk it for this. The feel of soft, hot skin under his hands and the helpless little moans coming from somewhere deep in Tommy's throat made it worth any risk. "Anyway I locked the door, so even if they do figure it out they're not gonna just walk in."

That seemed to make Tommy feel better, because he leaned a little further forward, forcing Merton's hands lower on his spine. "God…where'd you learn to do that?" he asked, his voice thick with pleasure already.

Merton smiled and dug his thumbs into a knot at the center of Tommy's shoulder blades, leaning forward to plant a kiss on the side of the other boy's neck before he went back to working the tension out of his back. "I'm just making it up as I go along. You looked like you needed to relax."

Tommy let out a long, low sigh and turned slowly so he could look over his shoulder at Merton without actually pulling away from his hands. "You could make a fortune doing this. Seriously, you're a natural."

It was one of those silly compliments that didn't really mean anything, something people said when 'thank you' didn't seem adequate to describe how grateful they were. He knew Tommy wasn't really expecting an answer because as soon as he finished talking he turned away again, head down so his spine was curved perfectly into Merton's hands. It wasn't supposed to mean anything, it wasn't supposed to make him feel warm and nervous and bold all at once. That was exactly how he felt, though; like something was about to happen that he wasn't ready for but he suddenly wanted more than anything without even knowing what it was.

He'd never been that forward with Tommy; he wasn't shy exactly, when they were alone he didn't mind initiating kisses or showing Tommy how to do new things. They never talked about it, but Tommy was always happy to let Merton take the lead without much of a fight. Merton would never be bold enough to try kissing Tommy in school or even strike up a conversation with him in front of his friends, but when they were alone things were different. Tommy was just Tommy, not the popular jock with a constant trail of admirers and a charmed life. It scared Merton sometimes to know that he was one of the few people that new the real story behind the captain of the football team, but part of him loved the fact that he knew exactly how much more there was to Tommy.

Maybe it was the fact that there was a very real danger of them getting caught breaking the rules, or it was just the fact that they hadn't spent any time together in a week. Either way he was feeling much bolder tonight than usual, and he knew if he didn't find something to do with his mouth soon he was going to say a few things that he might live to regret. He let his hands wander down the length of Tommy's back, his fingers grazing the waistband of his boxers as his mouth found Tommy's neck again. The response would have been alarming if he hadn't been so turned on before he even got in the room, but when he found himself flat on his back less than three seconds later he couldn't help grinning.

"Not as relaxed as I thought," he said, raising an eyebrow as Tommy's eyes darkened.

"I think I'm going crazy," Tommy said, but he wasn't really focused on the boy underneath him and Merton wasn't sure if he even realized he'd said it out loud. He wanted to ask what Tommy meant, to coax a little information out of this person he'd fallen so thoroughly in love with without really knowing anything about him. He wanted to talk about everything and nothing; to tell Tommy he was leaving town as soon as school ended just to see his reaction. More than anything he wanted to tell Tommy how he felt at that moment, how sure he was that his heart was going to burst right out of his chest and the only thing that made him feel like a normal person even for a little while was Tommy's touch.

The irony that the thing that made him a freak was the one thing that made him feel okay wasn't lost on him, but he wasn't sure if Tommy would understand. Tommy wasn't a freak, after all, and maybe he'd never know what that felt like. Maybe he could keep this part of him compartmentalized and lead a totally normal life that his parents could be proud of. Maybe he could even laugh at the gay jokes in the locker room and tell himself that that wasn't him, that he was just fooling around and it didn't mean anything as long as nobody found out. Merton had never been good at denial, though, and he'd always been painfully aware of who he was and what he wanted.

He'd just never expected to get what he wanted wrapped up in such a strong, muscular package with hands that sought out every sensitive spot on his skin and a mouth that did things to him that he couldn't even begin to describe. He felt like his brain was melting, like he'd discovered the secret of life without even trying. And even though he knew it could never last he didn't mind, because Tommy was here now and when their lips met and their bodies moved together there was nothing and no one else in the entire world that mattered.

He knew he'd mind again later, once Tommy had been well fed by his parents and kissed him goodbye to go back to the life that everyone that didn't know him thought was so perfect. In fact it would gnaw at him all weekend and into the next week; until the next stolen kiss or split second of eye contact across a crowded cafeteria he'd wonder if any of it had ever really happened at all. He couldn't wake up with Tommy next to him this time, they had a few stolen moments alone together in this room but he'd have to get up and go back to his own bed eventually. So in a way they didn't even have tonight, because there were rules to be followed and even if his parents claimed to understand they never could. Not completely; as hard as they tried to love him right and do what they thought was best, there was no way they'd ever understand how much he needed to be with Tommy for as long as he could.

Thinking like that while Tommy was within hearing distance was a bad idea, though, because any second now he might blurt out the words that he knew he could never, ever say. No matter how much he meant them for the first time in his short life, no matter how much he wanted Tommy to know that there was somebody out there that saw more in him than just a jock with a great throwing arm. He needed a distraction, something he could do to take his mind off wanting to whisper 'I love you' over and over against golden skin until he was hoarse just from repeating the words.

A pair of strong hands slid past the waistband of his pajamas, and he realized as he helped Tommy push them down and off his legs that that was the best distraction he could think of. He followed suit with Tommy's boxers, letting out a little hiss when they pressed together and he felt Tommy's arousal settle into the hollow of his pelvic bone. It was hard to remember while his brain was so foggy with lust how many times they'd done this before, just a handful really and the first few times had been a little awkward until they learned each other and got comfortable with being naked together in a house where anyone could walk in at any time.

The lack of privacy was a big problem, of course, but not nearly as insurmountable as the fact that no one could ever know about them outside the circle of his parents and Lori. It hurt a lot worse than Merton expected to know that, to think that he couldn't tell anyone what he was going through. He wanted to ask everyone he knew how they'd felt the first time they fell in love, just so he'd have something to compare his experiences to. It was out of the question, of course, but there were times when it was so hard to keep his mouth shut that he thought he'd crawl out of his skin or implode or just lose his mind completely.

One of them was murmuring, a low, desperate sound and he wasn't sure who it was until he focused and realized Tommy was saying something. His mouth was steadily moving down Merton's chest to work its way over his abdomen, and Merton knew he should stop Tommy at least long enough to ask what he was saying, but that mouth was too hot and it felt way too good. He knew what Tommy had in mind and he couldn't stop him even to find out what he was murmuring against Merton's skin, even if the last working shred of his brain had a feeling that whatever it was, it was important.

His fingers threaded in Tommy's hair at the first touch of wet velvet against hard, pulsing heat, his body pinned to the bed to keep him from thrusting up into the source of mind-bending pleasure. Maybe this was what Tommy meant when he said he was going crazy; Merton wanted to ask, but he wanted that feeling more than he wanted to know any secrets Tommy might be willing to tell him in the dark in the middle of the night. He bit down hard on his lip to keep from shouting as the suction got more intense, caught in a weird mixture of pleasure so intense he couldn't breathe and hyper-awareness that his parents were less than twenty feet down the hall.

He came before he was ready; he never lasted long with Tommy, but this time it took him by surprise and he felt a little weird about the reason for it. The thought that one of his parents could knock on the door any second and ask what the hell they thought they were doing shouldn't turn him on, should it? As he lay there trying to catch his breath he told himself it was just the intensity of the situation, the fact that they hardly ever got to see each other and the three hours of lying tangled on the couch together while they waited for his parents to go to bed.

Tommy's mouth was still moving against his skin, planting soft, almost tender kisses along the curve of his hip as his fingers kneaded Merton's skin along his other side. They could stay right where they were forever as far as he was concerned, with the rest of the world safely locked on the other side of the door where it couldn't touch either of them. He swallowed against the impossible thought and reached down to tug Tommy up on top of him, the solid weight reassuring as Tommy's mouth found his again.

Just once he wished he could be with Tommy without thinking depressing thoughts about when they weren't together anymore or what could happen if someone found out. Just once he wanted it to be just them, without their families and the rest of the kids at school and all the other hundreds of things Merton worried about whenever he couldn't stop himself from thinking about it. He knew it would never happen – that he'd never be able to shut off the thoughts that sometimes kept him awake all night long. Still, it was a nice fantasy and even if he couldn't stop thinking about it that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy being with Tommy while he had the chance.

He tore his lips away from the other boy's and gently nudged him onto his back, following the same trail Tommy had blazed down his chest. Tommy's skin smelled like soap and tasted like salt, and he took his time tracing the curve of his arm where it met his chest. No matter how many times he got to do this he knew he'd never get used to it; he'd never get over the fact that Tommy wanted to do this with him, that he was maybe the first person to show Tommy these things. He loved the fact that he could draw those breathy little moans out of the body underneath his, and it didn't matter if his parents heard because he wouldn't trade that sound for anything.

He opened his mouth against the hollow of Tommy's collarbone, encouraged for a moment by an almost-growl and the way Tommy thrust into him. For a second he was so lost in leaving his mark on that perfect golden skin that he forgot, and when he remembered he pulled back and stared wide-eyed at the green eyes that blinked open to look up at him. "I'm sorry," he said, his fingers against the tiny red mark as if he could erase it if he wished it hard enough. "I forgot, I forgot about the team and the locker room…"

"Merton, it's okay," Tommy said when it finally dawned on him what Merton was babbling about. He knew he probably looked horrified, but when Tommy grinned up at him and leaned forward to press their lips together again Merton managed to relax. "Go ahead," Tommy whispered against his ear when he pulled away again. "I want you to."

He pushed the last of the lingering worry about the guys at school to the back of his mind and made his way back to Tommy's collarbone, pressing an almost reverent kiss to the spot before he finished what he'd started. The whole time Tommy moaned and squirmed against him, searching futilely for some friction to relieve the aching growing steadily in his groin. Merton held him down by sheer force of will, his knees locked on either side of Tommy's thighs and applying just enough pressure to keep the taller boy from bucking them both off the bed. When he was satisfied the mark would last awhile he returned to his exploration of Tommy's chest, marking each new spot with a kiss as his thumbs moved in soothing circles on either side of Tommy's hips.

He studied each new expanse of skin with loving detail, smiling at the knowledge that if he wanted to he could damage it just enough that Tommy would remember he'd been there every time he looked at his bare hip or his stomach or the curve of his bicep. By the time he took pity on the unintelligible pleading coming from Tommy's throat he'd forgotten all about the world beyond the two of them, the one full of people that didn't or wouldn't understand. Slowly he ran his tongue up Tommy's length, eliciting a sharp gasp that let him know Tommy wouldn't last much longer than he had. He kept his strokes slow at first, applying pressure to Tommy's hips that would keep him from thrusting too hard without leaving finger-shaped bruises in his skin. He didn't really mind the erratic thrusts anyway; he liked being able to make Tommy lose control, to make him so desperate for release that he didn't even try to make it last beyond the first few blissful minutes.

The taste of Tommy on his tongue would have made him hard again if he wasn't already getting there just from the thought that Tommy was his; even if it was just for a little while longer and even if no one else knew, they belonged to each other for now and he was going to make whatever time they had together count. He swallowed and picked up speed, responding to the way Tommy arched into him and the fingers clutching almost painfully at his shoulders. Those would leave finger-shaped bruises on his pale skin, but he didn't mind that either because it would at least give him some physical reminder of tonight. A low, drawn-out moan was his only warning, and he pulled back a little to swallow around Tommy's length before he straightened up and looked down at the body stretched out in front of him.

Tommy's chest rose and fell with each gasping breath, a sheen of sweat making his skin slick as Merton ran a hand over the other boy's chest. His fingers traced the red mark on Tommy's collarbone, and he frowned as he wondered if that had been such a good idea. Then Tommy's eyes opened and he caught Merton's hand, tugging him down onto the mattress for another kiss. When they parted again Tommy turned onto his side, pushing a few wayward strands of dark hair away from Merton's forehead as he studied the other boy's features in the darkness.

"Merton, I…" He trailed off and Merton had to struggle not to clench his fist too hard around Tommy's arm. There was no reason to think Tommy was going to make some big confession, at least not one that involved any words that Merton wouldn't let himself say out loud. "Thanks. For letting me stay, for…everything, I guess. I know the way we got together wasn't ideal or anything, but I'm glad it happened."

"Yeah. Me too, Tommy," Merton answered, swallowing his disappointment and reminding himself that if Tommy did declare his undying love it would only make it harder to leave in a few months anyway. Besides, he knew Tommy liked him, Lori had told him that point blank. As soon as he remembered that conversation his heart fell and he closed his eyes and hoped Tommy wouldn't see him blushing in the dark. Of course it didn't matter if he left hickeys all over Tommy's body; as far as the entire high school was concerned they came from his girlfriend.

It should have made him feel better to know that there was no real risk, that he hadn't screwed up in a way that neither of them could fix. Instead it left him with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach and a cold, hard lump in his throat. He swallowed a sigh and craned his neck to let Tommy nuzzle the skin there, a shiver rolling through him as soft lips brushed the skin below his ear. Too soon he'd have to force himself to get up and go back to his own room, and there would be plenty of time to brood after Tommy was gone. He let the hand moving on his back distract him from thinking for a little while longer, seeking out Tommy's mouth in the darkness so he wouldn't accidentally say any of the things he was thinking out loud.


	25. Chapter 25

Merton woke up expecting to find a warm, solid body pressed up against him in his narrow bed. When all he found was a twisted mess of sheets he sighed and ran his hands over his face, the night before rushing back. He wasn't sure how long he'd stayed in the guestroom after Tommy fell asleep, watching the steady rise and fall of the other boy's chest. Forcing himself to get up and go back to his own room was harder than he'd expected it to be, even though he knew that when he woke up Tommy would still be there. He might even be awake already, maybe sitting at the kitchen table making small talk with Merton's parents like it was a perfectly normal occurrence.

He pushed the covers back and sat up, frowning down at his bare chest before he stood up and stumbled toward the bathroom. Most days he tried to avoid looking at himself any more than he had to; his slight build and lack of muscle tone aside, he seemed destined to pale, delicate skin and ice-blue eyes that he was sure made him look like a ghost. Dyeing his hair black had just made the whole undead look a little more dramatic, and he scrubbed a hand through his hair as he frowned at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Letting the blonde grow back out before college wouldn't be such a bad idea, but he wasn't really looking forward to the prospect of shaving his head. And then there was the question of what Tommy would think…

Which was the real problem, wasn't it? Because he shouldn't care what Tommy thought any more than he cared what everyone else in school thought, but he did. He hated himself for it, but he wanted Tommy to find him attractive. He wanted to know that he wasn't just convenient, that the reason they were together wasn't just that he was the only guy Tommy knew that wouldn't knock him out for touching him. They had a lot in common, sure, but physically he couldn't be Tommy's ideal. He was pale, nondescript, a little on the small side, and Tommy was surrounded by the best-looking guys in school on a daily basis. In the locker room, where he had free license to look and make a lot of mental comparisons that Merton couldn't even dream of living up to.

He let out a dramatic sigh and scowled at his reflection before turning toward the shower. Looking in the mirror wasn't his favorite pastime for a reason, so he couldn't really blame Tommy if he was more attracted to Chad Hawthorne from the football team or even Blake Anderson, the president of the drama club. He wasn't exactly an athlete and Merton knew for a fact that he was very straight, but he was definitely good-looking. Blake was one of those graceful guys that always seemed comfortable in any situation, and he was nice so you couldn't even really hate him for it. He was even friendly to Merton the few times their paths actually crossed, and nobody at school felt obligated to be nice to Merton.

So that really only left one reason why somebody like Tommy would give up his Friday nights to hang around with someone like him. It was just another in a long list of depressing thoughts, though, so Merton shoved it as far back in his consciousness as he could and resolved to enjoy the last hour or so that he had with Tommy for another week. He showered quickly and dried himself off, careful to avoid looking at his reflection as he brushed his teeth and combed through his damp hair.

Once he was dressed and sure that there weren't any new bruises or red marks showing anywhere he opened his bedroom door, crossing to the kitchen and pushing the door open. Sure enough, there was Tommy sitting next to his dad, already halfway through an omelet and toast. When he walked in Tommy looked up, the grin that lit up his features making Merton's stomach do a few back flips as he smiled back and sank into the closest chair.

"Morning, son," his father said, smiling a little too cheerfully at Merton over the top of his paper. Merton mumbled something in return as he wondered why his father was looking at him like that. If they'd guessed where he spent part of last night they'd be mad at him, wouldn't they? Maybe they wouldn't say anything until Tommy went home, but they definitely wouldn't act so happy about it. He shook his head and stole a glance across the table at Tommy, but he was either oblivious to the weirdness or he was in on the joke.

"So, graduation in a few months," Mr. Dingle said just as Merton's mother set a plate of food down in front of her son. Merton looked down at the food and then up at his father, sure he was missing some important piece of information. "Big plans for your last summer before college, Tommy?"

Somehow Merton had managed to block out pretty much everything that happened before Tommy showed up the night before, but as soon as his father mentioned the summer it all came rushing back. Along with the realization of what his father was getting at came a wave of nausea, and he wished more than anything that he could shut the older man up without looking like an idiot in front of his parents and Tommy. He didn't want to talk about this – not now, maybe not ever – and definitely not in front of Tommy. He wanted to push rewind until they were back in the guest room, with the rest of the world locked on the other side of the door. Maybe this time he'd even say all those things he wouldn't let himself say the night before, just to see what would happen.

"My dad wants me to work at the shop," Tommy answered, completely unaware of the meltdown Merton was experiencing on the other side of the table. "I've got this football clinic for a couple weeks in July, but other than that I guess I'll just be hanging out."

"The football clinic at the University? I've heard about it," Mr. Dingle said when Tommy nodded. "You'll have to drop by while you're on campus, say hello. Since we won't be seeing you around the house."

"Dad," Merton hissed under his breath, but either his father didn't hear him or he was purposely trying to kill his only son. He was pretty sure that was a possibility, or at the very least it was some weird form of revenge his parents were inflicting on him for breaking the no-sex-in-the-house rule. Either way his father didn't even glance over at him, although his cheerful grin did falter a little when he registered Tommy's confused look.

"Didn't Merton tell you the good news?"

"It didn't come up," Merton said, stealing a quick glance at Tommy and then quickly looking away again when he registered the confusion in the other boy's eyes. He didn't need to look at Tommy while his father spilled all the painful details about his summer plans, he had other things to focus on. Like the breakfast his mother had set in front of him, and while he was positive he wouldn't be able to eat a bite he appreciated the distraction.

"Merton's been accepted to the Summer Research Institute at Johns Hopkins," Mr. Dingle announced, and Merton felt a stab of guilt at the pride in his father's voice. "I'm shocked he didn't tell you himself, it's all he's been able to talk about for a year. Studying Chemistry in a state of the art lab – it's quite an honor."

"Yeah? So when do you leave?"

Merton forced himself to look up at the sound of Tommy's voice, bracing himself for disinterest or maybe a polite smile. He knew he couldn't expect Tommy to care, but he still felt a little guilty about not just telling Tommy himself. That split second of something unrecognizable in Tommy's eyes had thrown him, though, and between that and last night he wasn't sure what to think anymore. "A few days after graduation."

"Wow." Tommy paused for a second with his lips slightly parted, looking at Merton but not really focusing on him. Then he shook his head and smiled, but Merton had seen him smile enough by now to know when he was faking it. "That's great, Merton. Sounds like it's right up your alley."

He was starting to get used to feeling like the carpet had just been pulled out from under him; that was what worried him most of all. Maybe it was great that he was leaving as soon as school ended, because at least his life would make sense again. No more parents that weren't even phased by the fact that he was gay, no Tommy sitting across from him at the breakfast table looking like he was trying really hard not to say whatever he was thinking. He never really thought he'd look back on the lack of drama in his life and miss it, but the more confused he got the more he wished Tommy had just kept walking that day in the locker room.

"It's a wonderful opportunity," Mr. Dingle said when Merton didn't answer. He could feel his father looking at him but he didn't look up, because he already knew what the look was asking and he didn't have an answer. There was no real reason he hadn't told Tommy; he'd mentioned something about the program before they started dating, but it wasn't like they spent a lot of time talking about their plans for the future. Merton knew Tommy was going to college to play football, and Tommy knew that Merton planned to be a professor like his parents. That was about as specific as it got, though, because Merton didn't like to dwell on the fact that they were going to two different schools.

He wasn't even sure if that had really registered with Tommy until his father brought up the summer, because when Merton ventured another glance at him he looked like he was processing the reality of graduating from high school for the first time. Maybe he just hadn't thought a lot about it because it didn't change much for him, but whatever the reason Merton was almost sure he'd made some kind of mistake by not just telling Tommy about his summer plans.

Neither of them talked much through the rest of breakfast, and when Tommy stood up and announced that he had to get home Merton was more than happy to abandon his barely touched omelet. He followed Tommy down the hall to the front door, waiting while the other boy pulled his jacket on before he said anything. When Tommy finally turned to face him again he wasn't sure if he'd have the nerve to bring it up, but he knew if he didn't say anything he'd spend the rest of the weekend obsessing about it.

"Sorry I didn't tell you about this summer…I mean it's not really a big deal or anything, it's just my dad gets kind of worked up about that stuff."

Tommy shrugged and glanced in the direction of the kitchen before looking back down at Merton. "He's proud of you, that's cool. I mean it's a pretty big deal that you got accepted, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," Merton answered, willing himself not to blush. He wasn't even sure why he felt so awkward about discussing this with Tommy, it just seemed like talking about it made what they were doing more real.

"So where is this program?"

"Washington, D.C."

"Long way."

"It's, uh…it's not that far from where I'll be going to college," Merton said, regretting it the second the words escaped his lips. This was awkward enough already without bringing up the fact that he'd probably never see Tommy again after graduation.

"Right, guess I forgot." Tommy shifted his weight and glanced over Merton's shoulder again, making sure neither of his parents were watching them before he took a step forward. "I better go, my dad'll start calling around looking for me if I don't get home."

"Sure, okay. I'll see you at school."

Tommy nodded and opened his mouth to answer, but he thought better of it and leaned forward instead, pressing his lips to Merton's for a moment before he pulled away again. It was over way too soon, then Merton was watching him walk out the front door and pull it shut behind him. When he was gone Merton let out a frustrated breath and turned to make his way back down the hall to his bedroom, shaking his head as he tried to figure out what had just happened.

~

The halls were still practically deserted when Merton got to school on Monday, but he'd found over the past month that the best way to avoid T'n'T was to get to school early and keep a few steps ahead of them. So far they hadn't inflicted any more serious damage on him, but every time he happened to cross their paths they seemed less and less inclined to take it easy on him just to keep themselves in school. He was halfway down the hall to his locker when he caught sight of them turning the corner in front of him, and for one panicked moment he was sure the week was going to start out painfully. He looked around for an escape route and realized he was standing right next to the men's room, so he ducked inside and hoped they hadn't seen him.

He expected to find the bathroom deserted, but when he heard someone let out a low hiss he focused on the source of the sound. A pair of familiar shoulders was bent over one of the sinks, Tommy's head bent toward the mirror as he ran his fingers over one side of his face. Merton swallowed his shock at finding Tommy alone in the bathroom and forced himself to take a few steps forward, wondering if he should interrupt whatever Tommy was doing. He couldn't let himself back out of the bathroom, though, not if Tim and Travis were still hanging around waiting to kill him. Besides, that hissing sound Tommy had made when Merton first walked in sounded painful.

"Tommy? What's wrong?"

Tommy looked up at the sound of Merton's voice, giving the smaller boy a perfect view of the dark purple bruise under his left eye. He smiled when he saw Merton, but a moment later he winced again and turned back to the mirror. "Hey. It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Tommy had a black eye and he was calling it 'no big deal'? The concept of anyone getting a swing in on Tommy Dawkins was crazy, but he was obviously in pain and that thought bothered Merton more than the idea that Tommy had been in a fight. "What happened?"

"My dad found out I lied about Friday night," Tommy answered without turning away from the mirror. "He called Chad's house looking for me and Chad's mom said she hadn't seen me all week. By the time I got home he was pretty pissed."

"So he hit you? Tommy…"

At the sound of his name Tommy turned away from the mirror, letting out a soft sigh as he met Merton's gaze. "It's not that big a deal, he was just mad that I lied. I've just gotta be more careful about what I tell him from now on. And I probably can't stay over for awhile."

Merton glanced unconsciously in the direction of the stalls as soon as Tommy said it, evoking a tired-sounding laugh from the other boy. "Relax, I already checked. Anyway if anybody had been in here when I got here they probably would have taken one look at me and made a break for it."

Merton's heart fell at the mixture of humor and misery in Tommy's eyes, and he took a few steps forward. As soon as he realized what he was doing he stopped, his face flushing as he glanced over his shoulder at the door. Tommy followed his gaze, hesitating for a second before he closed the rest of the distance between them and grabbed Merton's arm. Before he could react Merton found himself pressed against the door with Tommy plastered to his chest, their combined weight effectively blocking anybody from walking in on them without warning.

"This is a bad idea," Merton murmured as he reached up to trace the edge of Tommy's bruise. He wasn't even sure if he was talking about making out in the bathroom or if he meant their relationship in general, but Tommy didn't seem to be listening to him anyway.

Tommy turned his face into the touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a second before he blinked them back open and focused on Merton again. "I think I can get out of practice early tomorrow. I can come by Lori's."

"She won't mind?"

"She's cool," Tommy answered, as though that was a logical explanation for all of Lori's strange behavior. He didn't seem very interested in talking about her, though, and a second later Merton wasn't either. A soft sigh escaped his throat as Tommy's mouth covered his, careful not to put any unnecessary pressure on Tommy's damaged eye as he leaned into the kiss. He could hear voices on the other side of the door as the hallway started to fill up, but the quiet in the bathroom and Tommy's warmth pressing against him made it easy to pretend they weren't taking a huge risk.

When Tommy pulled away again Merton was panting and dazed, and he was pretty sure he'd never be able to make it through a full day of school. He knew the bell would be ringing soon, but the thought of going back to the real world was even more depressing than the thought of Tommy's father. Not to mention the fact that Tim and Travis might still be out there waiting to pound him into a dark smear on the linoleum.

"Guess we have to get back," Tommy said, although he didn't make any move to pull away.

"Yeah…uh…you go first," Merton answered, not quite meeting Tommy's gaze as he wondered whether or not Tommy would figure out why he'd been hiding out in the bathroom in the first place.

"What's the matter?"

Merton checked the urge to roll his eyes when Tommy's hand landed on his face again, forcing him to meet the taller boy's gaze. "Nothing. It's just…T'n'T were out there, probably looking for someone to kill. That's why I came in here in the first place."

"Oh." A sympathetic smile tugged at the corners of Tommy's mouth as he leaned forward and planted another soft kiss on Merton's lips. "Give me a couple minutes to get rid of them, then come out. It's probably safer that way anyway."

"Yeah, okay," Merton answered, ignoring the urge to pull Tommy back into him as the other boy straightened up and pulled away. He backed toward the row of sinks lining the far wall and watched Tommy pull the bathroom door open, swallowing a frustrated sigh and leaning back against a sink to wait.


	26. Chapter 26

It was probably a good thing that Lori didn't actually need a Chemistry tutor considering all the help Merton was being. He'd been alternating between checking his watch and looking at the door since he got to her house, and even though only half an hour had passed he couldn't help wondering if Tommy would really be able to get out of practice early. He hadn't promised anything, after all, he'd just said he thought he could manage it. Merton knew better than to count on it, but after barely catching a glimpse of Tommy all day at school he really wanted to see him.

The idea of seeing Tommy on a weekday was so foreign that it seemed almost dangerous, even if they were meeting at Lori's house. Which meant they'd have a chaperone, but Merton didn't even mind so much. It meant he got to spend time with Tommy and make sure his father hadn't inflicted any more damage in the past twenty-four hours, and that was the most important thing. Especially considering Tommy had told him on Monday that he wouldn't be able to stay over for the foreseeable future.

He heard Lori laugh as he checked his watch for the twentieth time in ten minutes, blushing at the obviousness of his obsession. "Relax," she said, her grin getting a little brighter as he blushed even harder. "You know if you've got something else to do…"

"It's not that," he answered before he could stop himself. As soon as he heard the sound of his own voice he rolled his eyes, wondering how he could get out of this without actually admitting the truth. Or having to get up and go home, which would defeat the whole purpose of Tommy getting out of practice early. "I just have a lot on my mind."

Lori rolled her eyes and closed her Chemistry book, setting it down on the coffee table before she turned back to him. "You know that excuse is getting a little old. I happen to know for a fact that the only thing you've got on your mind these days is Tommy Dawkins. I thought we went over this last week."

"We did…I mean it's not just Tommy." Merton paused and looked down at his hands, wondering how he could make her understand. He wasn't even sure why he wanted to, but she was Tommy's friend and she knew better than pretty much anyone else what went on inside his head. "You saw his eye."

"Yeah. So he got in a fight with one of Dean's friends, what's the big deal? I mean it's not exactly Tommy's style to get in a fist fight, let alone with somebody that much older than him, but Dean's friends are a bunch of annoying stoners. Even Tommy can only take so much."

It was all Merton could do to keep his expression neutral as he listened to her talk. So Tommy had fed her the same lie he'd been telling everybody else at school, it shouldn't have surprised Merton that much. Telling your friends that your dad belted you because you lied about where you spent the night wasn't something any teenager looked forward to; no, the surprising part was that Tommy had told him the truth. He could have told Merton the story about Dean and his friends and Merton would have bought it, but he hadn't. It might have been because he had to give Merton an explanation for why he couldn't sleep over anymore, but if it was a big enough deal to make Tommy lie to Lori he could have just made up another lie to cover that.

"Merton? You okay?"

He looked up at Lori again when he realized she was still talking to him, wondering idly how much of her speech he'd lost while he was busy wondering why Tommy had been honest with him. "Yeah, sorry. You're right, even Tommy's got his limits."

It sounded lame when he said it out loud, but Lori just nodded and reached for her notebook. "Exactly. As soon as he got that shiner he probably realized it wasn't worth it. Most of the time he avoids Dean's buddies anyway, I don't know what he was doing hanging out with them."

He started to defend Tommy; he opened his mouth to say that Tommy wasn't hanging out with a bunch of stoners, but he caught himself before he said something he'd regret. He didn't want to betray Tommy's confidence or risk making him mad by telling Lori the truth. She knew what Tommy's father was like, but he hadn't told her for a reason and it wasn't Merton's place to spill Tommy's secrets.

Normally knowing something about Tommy that nobody else knew would make Merton's day – hell, it would make his whole week – but this particular secret just made him feel uncomfortable. Everything they'd ever learned in school about kids getting abused ended in the same mantra: Tell someone. He knew he was supposed to tell somebody; a teacher, his parents, anyone that could maybe help Tommy. Tommy was almost eighteen, though, and although Merton had never met his father he had a feeling Tommy could probably defend himself if he wanted to. Besides, he was almost out of the house and if Tommy hadn't done anything about his dad so far he'd resent Merton for interfering. Wouldn't he?

He stifled a sigh and pretended to be engrossed in his Chemistry homework, struggling not to glance at his watch every thirty seconds. He still wanted to see Tommy walk down the stairs into Lori's family room, but now that he was the only one that knew the truth he wasn't sure how to act around him. Part of him wanted to ask Tommy what was going on, as in did his father hit him a lot and why he didn't do anything about it. Those kinds of conversations tended to get a little emotional, though, and he didn't want to run the risk of making Tommy regret being honest with him. He definitely didn't want to push Tommy out of his life, not when things between them were so…well, he wasn't exactly sure what they were, but he knew he didn't want to give it up.

He was still trying to figure out what exactly they were when Tommy finally made his way down the stairs into the family room. Merton looked up almost before Tommy even appeared, his heart skipping a beat at the sight of Tommy in his letterman jacket. The bruise under his eye looked a little lighter than it had yesterday morning, but the sickly yellow at the edges made it look even worse. His stomach twisted at the thought of how Tommy had gotten that bruise, but he knew he couldn't say anything about it in front of Lori.

"Hey," Tommy said, breaking the silence in the room as he flashed a weary grin at Merton before glancing at Lori. "The front door was open."

"Hey yourself," Lori answered, glancing over at Merton with a smirk that let him know she'd figured out why he was so jumpy. "Practice get out early?"

"Something like that," Tommy said as he sank onto the couch next to Merton. "Coach benched me for the rest of the week. Fell and banged up my arm," he added, holding up his left arm and pushing the sleeve of his jacket back to reveal the edge of an Ace bandage.

"What is with you lately? You're a walking disaster area," Lori said. She laughed at the glare he shot her and stood up. "I just hope you heal fast, because if your dad finds out you're riding the bench he's gonna kill you."

Merton waited until she'd disappeared up the stairs before he turned to look at Tommy again, reaching out before he realized what he was doing to touch Tommy's bandaged arm. "Is your dad really gonna be mad because you got hurt?"

Tommy grinned and held up his arm, turning it a few times before he looked back at Merton. "My arm's fine. One of the guys knocked me down during practice so I let the coach think I was hurt. Gets me out of practice for a few days, anyway."

"Yeah, but your dad…"

"He won't even know," Tommy said, sliding a little closer to Merton and reaching out with his bandaged arm to rest his hand on the back of Merton's neck. "He doesn't come to practice, and I'll just make sure Coach thinks I'm fine before the game on Saturday. Don't worry about it."

Merton was tempted to remind Tommy of exactly why he was worried about it, starting with his black eye and ending with the fact that Tommy had been lying to pretty much everybody about a lot of things since they met. Maybe it was easier for him that way; maybe if he told himself it was the only way he didn't have to feel so bad about living a lie and going to extremes like faking injuries just so they could spend a little time together.

The part of him that wanted Tommy whatever way he could have him won out, though, and he didn't put up a fight when Tommy pulled him forward for a kiss. It was hard to focus on the feeling of Tommy's lips moving against his while they were sitting in Lori's family room, and when Tommy pulled away to look at him there was relief mingled with the stab of guilt in Merton's heart.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing," Merton said, casting a quick glance at the stairs over Tommy's shoulder to make sure Lori wasn't spying on them. "I don't know, it feels a little weird, doing this here. What if Lori comes back?"

"So what? It's not like she doesn't know," Tommy answered. The hand that was still resting on Merton's neck began moving, tracing soft patterns in Merton's skin that sent a series of tiny shivers down his spine. "Why do you think she went upstairs as soon as I got here? She knows I'm not here to hang out with her."

Tommy's voice dropped an octave as he said the last words, and for a moment Merton was gripped by the urge to get up and run. He didn't want to run out on Tommy, but the way the other boy was looking at him coupled with the sound of his voice suddenly made Merton wonder what he was missing. Tommy didn't expect to do anything beyond kissing in Lori's house; he couldn't, it was one thing to fool around in Merton's house but Tommy couldn't expect him to put out in Lori's family room. The sick thing was that part of him wanted to, especially if it meant the difference between Tommy skipping practice to see him or Tommy deciding that it wasn't worth the risk. It was tempting in a way he didn't really want to think about, but there was no way he could go through with it.

"What…why exactly are you here?" he finally managed to choke out, his gaze firmly locked on Tommy's chin.

"I wanted to see you," Tommy answered, confusion marring his perfect features and making Merton wish he'd never said anything. If he'd just kept his mouth shut they could still be back on kissing, which seemed like a much better plan than it had a minute ago. "I told you yesterday I'd try to come by. Do you want me to go?"

Merton never would have dreamed that he could be the source of the hurt and confusion in Tommy's eyes, but there was no doubt that he was to blame for making Tommy look so sad. It probably shouldn't have thrilled him to make Tommy feel that way, but he always felt so out of control of their relationship that it was kind of nice to see the affect he could have on the most popular guy in school. "No, it's not that," he said a little too quickly, reaching up to pull Tommy's hand away from his neck. He entwined their fingers together and rested their joined hands on his knee, staring down at their hands so he wouldn't have to look at Tommy while he spoke. "I'm glad you're here. It's just…why didn't you just tell Lori the truth about your arm?"

Tommy shrugged and looked away as soon as he looked up, and Merton found himself wishing all over again that he'd just kept his mouth shut. "I don't know, I guess it's just easier that way. I don't wanna have to worry about who I told what to, you know?"

Merton bit the insides of his cheeks to keep from asking why Tommy felt the need to lie at all; he already knew the answer, and bringing up Tommy's father would just make matters worse. In a way this conversation was more uncomfortable than even the first tentative steps of their relationship, but part of Merton wanted to just say all the things that had been on his mind for weeks. Maybe getting them out in the open would change things between him and Tommy, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could live with wondering how Tommy felt about him.

"Listen, do you think we can get out of here?" Tommy's voice jolted Merton out of his reverie, and he looked up to find Tommy watching him with an intensity he'd never seen before. His stomach twisted almost painfully and he nodded, not trusting his voice.

If Tommy noticed how nervous he was he didn't show it, he just tugged on the hand that was still trapped in his and pulled Merton to his feet. Merton pulled his hand out of Tommy's long enough to shove his books in his backpack before he turned to follow the other boy up the stairs. He had no idea where they were going or what Tommy had in mind, but he had a feeling that whatever had just happened between them was important. He stopped when they got to the foyer and waited while Tommy went in search of Lori, willing his heart to slow down so he didn't have a heart attack before he found out what Tommy wanted.

When the taller boy reappeared he was frowning, but as soon as his gaze fell on Merton he smiled. "Everything okay?" Merton asked as Tommy took hold of his shoulder and steered him toward the door.

"Yeah, fine," Tommy answered. "Lori said to say bye."

Merton nodded but didn't say anything until they reached his car and slid into the front seat. "Do you have to get home soon?" he asked, casting a nervous glance over at Tommy. "I think my parents are home but…"

"You know where the Jensen place used to be?" Tommy interrupted. "Before the fire."

"Yeah," Merton answered, frowning as he reached for the ignition and turned on the engine. The burnt-out remains of the old farmhouse were at least twenty minutes outside of town, safe enough that they didn't have to worry too much about anyone finding them out there. Parts of the building were still intact, though, and even though they were dangerous some of the older kids used them as a party spot when there was nowhere else to go.

"Don't worry, nobody goes out there this time of year," Tommy said, reading Merton's thoughts from his expression. "Too cold. Anyway it's still light out, nobody goes up there before dark."

Merton nodded and pointed the car in the direction of the state road that would lead them out of town, his hands gripping the steering wheel too hard as he struggled to focus on the road and not the person sitting next to him. A hundred different questions raced through his mind at once, starting with what Lori had said to Tommy to distract him so much. He'd seemed a little more intense than usual since he showed up at Lori's house, but Merton had never actually seen him brood before. He wanted to believe everything was okay, but it was hard to convince himself of that when nothing had really been okay since this whole thing started.

He'd known it was going to be complicated when Tommy first showed an interest in him, but he hadn't really been prepared for quite _how_ complicated it was. It was worth it – most days, anyway – but he knew there was no way it would ever be simple. Even when it was over it would be complicated, and no matter how many times Merton told himself he could deal with it he knew the end of their relationship was going to be hard. At least it would be for him, and in a way he was glad he'd be halfway across the country where he wouldn't have to watch Tommy move on with his life.

Still, Tommy's life seemed a lot less charmed now than it had when Merton only knew him as Tommy Dawkins, Star Quarterback, and he couldn't help wondering if it would hit Tommy a little harder than he let on. The cracks in Tommy's armor were starting to get bigger, and as much as Merton sort of enjoyed the glimpses of Tommy's vulnerability he worried that other people might start seeing it too. Letting his dad catch him in a lie could have been an honest mistake, but combined with all the other things that had been happening lately it was enough to make Merton wonder. He'd never really pictured Tommy as the self-destructive type, but then again he never really knew him before.

The image Tommy projected to the rest of the world was a lot different than the guy Merton had fallen in love with; so different, in fact, that Merton wondered how Tommy managed to keep the act up all the time. He could easily have a career in theater, because Merton had the feeling that he had everyone in town fooled. Not even Lori really knew him, as it turned out, because if she did she'd know that Tommy was lying about how he got his black eye.

As soon as the thought occurred to him Merton glanced over at the other boy, his heart skipping a beat as he took in the sight of Tommy with his head back against the seat. His eyes were closed, and save for the ugly bruise marring his profile he looked so peaceful that for a second Merton could almost forget that what they were doing was something they had to hide. He didn't want to be ashamed of who he was; he never had been before, he was used to people thinking he was a freak. It was easy to tell himself that they were just a bunch of closed-minded idiots who knew nothing about him, but once he looked at life from Tommy's perspective everything changed.

He still wasn't ashamed of who he was, but it was easier for him to understand now why so many people lied about who they were. He played along with Tommy's lies, after all, which was just as bad as pretending to be something he wasn't. The only reason he did it was because he knew it was the only way they could be together, so even though he hated pretending he knew it was the lesser evil. He would have traded anything to be with Tommy, which made him feel as free as it did terrified.

When they reached the long gravel driveway that led to the burnt-out farmhouse he slowed down, glancing over at Tommy in time to watch him open his eyes. He pulled up behind the house so the car wouldn't be immediately visible from the road, turning off the ignition and looking at the building through the windshield. He'd seen this place from the road and heard the story of the fire enough times to know exactly where it was, but he'd never actually gone out to the house itself. The sky was a dreary late-winter gray, and he shivered more from the stark view than the temperature.

"It's kind of creepy, isn't it?" Tommy said, his voice sounding louder than it really was in the silence.

Merton nodded and glanced over at him, smiling self-consciously when he found Tommy looking at him. "I've never been this close to it before. How come they haven't just torn it down?"

Tommy turned his attention back to the building, taking in the boards that had been torn off the back door and a few of the windows by high school kids looking for someplace to get drunk. "Not worth it, I guess. Nobody's ever gonna buy this place; nobody from around here, anyway."

"Not if people keep going around saying it's haunted," Merton said, leaning back against the seat and turning to face Tommy. "It's kind of sad, though. I mean people used to live here and now it's just empty."

Tommy nodded and shifted a little closer to Merton on the bench seat, stretching his arm across the headrest. He stopped just short of actual contact, and Merton swallowed a rush of disappointment. "It's just a house, right? Not like it knows it's empty. Besides, it's got the ghosts to keep it company."

Merton laughed and shook his head, doing his best to ignore the flock of butterflies in his stomach as Tommy smiled at him. He took a deep breath and summoned all his courage, looking down at the seat between them as he spoke. "So what exactly are we doing here?"

"This," Tommy answered, his smile finally reaching his eyes as he closed the rest of the distance between them.


	27. Chapter 27

When Tommy finally let Merton go long enough to catch his breath he couldn't remember what he'd been so anxious to talk about, but as soon as he saw Tommy's black eye it all came rushing back. Part of him felt like he was responsible for the mark; he knew it wasn't his fault but he couldn't help feeling like Tommy's life would be a lot easier without him in it. His own life had gotten a lot more confusing since he and Tommy got involved, though, and he wanted to believe that Tommy thought it was worth the risk. He reached out and traced the edge of the bruise, frowning at the wince that Tommy tried to hide.

"Does this happen a lot?" he asked, his voice so quiet he wasn't even sure if Tommy would hear him.

"It's really not that big a deal," Tommy answered. He turned his face into Merton's touch, closing his eyes as Merton's fingers explored his skin. "My dad's just got a bad temper, sometimes he loses it. And he hates it when you lie to him. He's a complete freak about knowing where I am all the time."

"You shouldn't be here."

Part of Merton expected Tommy to agree with him. He hadn't meant to say the words out loud, but as soon as he did he expected Tommy to come to his senses and demand to be driven back to town. When Tommy shook his head and moved impossibly closer to him on the cramped front seat he swallowed his shock, moving into the other boy's touch automatically. Tommy's arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him forward to bury his face in the crook of Merton's neck. It was comforting in a weird way to feel hot breath against his skin, and Merton let himself relax for the first time all day.

"I want to be here," Tommy said, his voice sending little shocks of pleasure down Merton's spine. "Even if he does find out it doesn't matter. He can ground me all summer if he wants to, it's not like I'm going to have anything to do anyway."

It was ridiculous to have to fight back a dopey grin because Tommy didn't care how he spent his summer; Merton knew he shouldn't just assume it had anything to do with him, but that didn't stop him from hoping he was right. He wanted to hate himself for being glad Tommy was going to have a miserable summer without him, but he was planning to be pretty miserable so he couldn't bring himself to feel that bad. "I wish I didn't have to go," he said, barely managing to stop himself from tightening his grip on Tommy when the other boy pulled back to look at him. "I mean I've thought about not going, but my parents are so excited."

"Are you kidding? You have to go," Tommy said, his eyes wide as though the thought of Merton actually staying in town for the summer was absurd. Merton tried to shake off the feeling that he'd just been slapped, but it must have showed in his face because Tommy's expression softened instantly. "I mean I'm not crazy about the idea of you leaving, but there's nothing for you to hang around here for. That program sounds like a pretty big deal, you can't just blow it off."

Merton wanted to tell Tommy how wrong he was; he wanted to tell Tommy that all he had to do was ask and Merton would stay as long as he wanted. He'd always hated his own tendency toward romanticism, though, and there was no way he'd ever say that out loud. Certainly not to Tommy of all people, not if he wanted to keep Tommy in his life for the little time they still had together. So instead of pouring out his heart and facing laughter or even rejection he just smiled and shook his head. "It's really not that big a deal. It's just a bunch of high school kids messing around in a lab."

"Sounds a lot better than hanging around here, anyway," Tommy said. He glanced toward the house in front of them and sighed. "If I'm allowed out of the house this summer all I have to look forward to is football clinics, automatic transmissions, and hanging around here watching my so-called friends get drunk."

"Well except for the part about transmissions that sounds pretty typical." Merton wasn't surprised to hear Tommy voice his dissatisfaction with his life, especially considering he probably never got to be himself. He'd never even talked about what he wanted to do with the rest of his life; whenever anyone asked he just recited his father's plans for him.

"Yeah, well, typical can get kind of old after awhile." Tommy let out another sigh and leaned back against the seat, frowning thoughtfully at Merton. "Most of the kids at school would trade places with me in a second, but if they knew the truth they wouldn't even want to know my name."

"Believe me, I know better than anybody what it's like for people to pretend you're not there," Merton said. He granted Tommy a self-deprecating grin when the other boy winced. "It's alright, I mean it's not like I really ever wanted to fit in with most of the kids at school. Well, not most of the time, anyway."

"I still shouldn't be bitching about my life to you."

"Maybe it's hard for you to believe, Tommy, but I kind of like the fact that you can bitch to me about your life." He stopped himself from adding anything about the reasons why he wanted to hear about Tommy's private worries; anything he said would come out sounding way too close to 'I love you', and he didn't want to ruin the moment by saying too much. It felt really good to be the one person Tommy could trust with the truth, and he wasn't about to give that up. Besides, this was the most they'd ever talked about anything more important than the best horror movie special effects, and Merton was starting to feel a little better about where they stood.

Tommy was still staring at him, that same intense look in his eyes that had been there all afternoon. In a way it felt more intimate than anything they'd ever done, like Tommy could see right into him and read what he was thinking. He shifted on the worn leather seat, their knees brushing together as he tried to get some distance from that piercing gaze without actually moving away.

"You think you'll have time to write to me from your research program?" Tommy asked suddenly. Merton was so surprised by the sudden break in the silence that he almost didn't register the question at first, but as soon as he did his cheeks flushed and it was suddenly too hot in the chilly car.

"You want me to write to you?"

"Yeah," Tommy said, smiling as though it was the most natural request in the world. "I mean if you're gonna be really busy…"

"No," Merton interrupted, his voice an octave higher than usual and ruining any prayer he had of sounding casual. "I mean I won't be too busy. Do you have a computer at home?"

"No. But I could probably use Lori's. I don't know much about them, though. Why?"

If Merton could have kicked himself without drawing more unwanted attention he would have, but he didn't want to explain to Tommy why he felt bad about asking such a stupid question. Tommy didn't really seem like the type to care much about technology beyond VCRs and Playstation, but even if he was a computer geek Merton was pretty sure his family probably wouldn't spend the money on something non-essential like a computer.

"No reason, I mean I could have e-mailed you if you did. But I can write if you don't think your dad'll wonder."

Tommy frowned at that thought, a resigned sigh escaping his lips as he looked down at his knees. "You're right, he'd probably go ballistic. I could get e-mail at Lori's house, though. She wouldn't care, and I'll probably be over there a lot anyway."

"Sure, all we have to do is set up a web-based account for you," Merton said, smiling to himself at the vaguely confused look in Tommy's eyes. "Next time you're at my house just remind me."

"Okay," Tommy said, seemingly satisfied with the arrangement. He grinned and leaned forward again, pressing his lips to Merton's for a lingering kiss before he released the other boy again. "I should probably get back," he said, letting out a resigned sigh as he glanced out the window and realized how dark it had gotten.

"Right," Merton said, stifling his own disappointed sigh as he straightened up and tried to focus long enough to remember how to drive. He'd never had much trouble concentrating in the past, but whenever he was around Tommy everything he'd assumed about himself went right out the window. He turned on the car and pulled back onto the gravel drive, swallowing against the hollow feeling going back to their lives left in his stomach.

Tommy shifted next to him and he looked over, smiling in spite of his sudden change in mood as he watched the other boy slowly unwinding the Ace bandage that had been around his arm all afternoon. "Hey, Merton?"

"Yeah?" Merton replied, his eyes darting back to the road as he realized he'd been staring at Tommy's arm.

"You know that I really like you, right? I mean Lori's got this crazy idea that you were all weirded out about us."

"She said that?" Merton winced as he listened to his voice squeak, but he hadn't really been expecting this. He was going to have to kill Lori, though, which meant Tommy was going to have an even more boring summer than he'd planned on.

"Yeah, before we left her house this afternoon. She said you were acting weird and I should get my act together or you'd figure out you could do better." When he stopped talking Merton opened his mouth to answer, but he wasn't even sure how to start. The thought of him being too good for Tommy was insane, for one thing, and after finding out that Tommy had faked an injury just to be with him he wasn't that worried about their status anymore.

When he didn't say anything Tommy sighed and shook his head. "She's right, you know. I mean who'd ever believe I'd have a boyfriend as smart as you. I keep expecting you to come to your senses and tell me to go to hell."

"That's…" Merton paused and shook his head, willing himself to wake up from the crazy dream he appeared to have fallen into. When he looked over and found Tommy still watching him almost nervously he wanted to laugh, but he had a feeling that was exactly the wrong thing to do in the situation. The fact that Tommy had used the word 'boyfriend' was enough to make him wonder if he'd fallen into some kind of parallel dimension, but it warmed him in a way he'd never be able to put into words. "That's crazy, Tommy. I bet even some of the straightest guys in school wouldn't mind a shot at being your boyfriend."

Tommy laughed then; a genuine, rich laugh that Merton didn't hear nearly enough of. He'd always loved Tommy's laugh, even before he knew that Tommy knew he was alive. Whenever he heard it in the halls at school it sent a shiver up his spine, but never in a million years would he have believed he'd be the one inspiring that sound. He smiled as Tommy shifted a little closer and stretched his arm along the back of the seat again, his hand settling at the top of Merton's spine as they got closer to town.

~

Merton's genuine grin was probably the first thing that tipped Lori off, but to her credit she didn't say anything right away. In fact she showed uncharacteristic restraint, not even coming close to sticking her nose in his business until he started humming an Orgy song under his breath.

"Alright, out with it."

"What?" His eyes were wide as he blinked at her, giving his best impression of virginal innocence. As soon as that thought occurred to him he snorted, ruining the effect of the wide-eyed look.

"Don't give me that. You're not gonna sit there on my couch looking all _happy_ and act like nothing's going on. The last time you were here you looked practically suicidal. So come on, spill." To demonstrate her determination she slammed her book shut and dropped it on the coffee table, folding her arms over her chest and leaning back on the couch to wait.

He shook his head and let out a resigned sigh, but he didn't quite manage to wipe the grin off his face. "You're lucky you don't actually need tutoring in Chemistry or you wouldn't have so much time to interfere in my personal life."

"Thanks for the observation, Mr. Sarcasm," she shot back, smirking at the dark look he tried and failed to send in her direction. "Save it for Tommy, he's a lot more gullible than me."

He was tempted to tell her not to talk about Tommy like that just to see her reaction, but he had a feeling it wouldn't go over all that well. "What, I can't just be in a good mood?"

"No. Not when you've been skulking around like Pleasantville's answer to Robert Smith since the day I first laid eyes on you."

"I do not skulk."

Lori rolled her eyes heavenward, 'why me?' written all over her face as she counted to ten. When she looked back at him he could tell she was losing patience already, but he wasn't in the mood to give in easily. She was the one that kept interfering in his relationship with Tommy, after all, and even if he liked the results it didn't mean he had to tell her that. "Fine. Brood, angst, mope, whatever the hell you want to call it, I don't care. You can hardly help it with all the black clothes and Angry Suburban White Boy music. But you're definitely a lot less disenchanted today. So are you gonna tell me what the deal is or not?"

He could have told her the truth; he could have said that after Tuesday afternoon some higher power he probably didn't even believe in had chosen to give him a break for the first time in his life. After he dropped Tommy off a few blocks from his house on Tuesday he'd gone home and managed to avoid any awkward questions from either of his parents, and he'd gone to bed without worrying about his place in Tommy's life for the first time since their first kiss.

That was just the beginning, though, because the next day Tommy had showed up at his locker right after school. In front of people, like that was a totally normal thing for him to do. He didn't seem the least bit concerned about what anyone might think, either, and when Merton started toward the parking lot Tommy had followed him like they'd arranged it ahead of time. In retrospect he should have expected Tommy to want to spend the afternoon at his house; he couldn't go home until practice ended, after all, and he'd faked the injury so they'd have time together. So it made sense that Tommy more or less invited himself over on Wednesday, it was just that Merton hadn't really let himself think about it.

What an afternoon it had been, too. Not that Merton was going to tell Lori about any of _that_ , but his sister was out and his parents were still at the University when they got back to his house so they had the place to themselves for once. Even the knowledge that somebody could walk in any minute didn't detract from their time together, and after Tommy left Merton dedicated the rest of the evening to lying in bed and memorizing every single touch. He'd gotten so good at recalling Tommy's touch that he could actually feel Tommy's skin against his, taste his kisses and hear the breathy moans he made when he came. It still amazed him that he knew what Tommy sounded like when he was having sex, but all he had to do was look at the red marks all over his collarbone to convince himself he hadn't dreamed up the whole thing.

A less than gentle tap on his shoulder reminded Merton that Lori was still waiting for an answer, so he did his best to look serious as he looked up at her again. "Sorry, guess I spaced out for a second there. There's nothing to tell."

"So this is the thanks I get."

"Thanks?" Merton almost choked on the word, his face reddening a little as he watched Lori scowl at him.

"Yes, thanks. I told Tommy to stop being such a moron and just level with you, and instead of getting a 'thanks, Lori, you're a real pal' what do I get? 'There's nothing to tell'."

He was tempted to laugh, but the look on her face told him that she really was mad. Maybe not as furious as she was acting, but she was definitely hurt. Part of him wanted to tell her that she was lucky she didn't get a 'mind your own damn business' instead of a simple denial, but he wisely chose to keep that opinion to himself. She meant well; at least he assumed she did, and it wasn't like it hadn't worked out for the best. "Look, Lori, I'm sorry…" he began, but as soon as he realized she wasn't even looking at him anymore he stopped talking and followed her gaze to the stairs.

This time Tommy didn't even bother to say hello before he headed toward Merton, stopping next to the couch and leaning over for a long, hard kiss. Merton didn't even have time to think before Tommy was pressing him back into the couch cushions, and there was no way he could stop the other boy even if he wanted to. He knew it was probably the worst thing Tommy could have done, but there was no way his boyfriend could have known that. Not unless Lori had already expressed her unhappiness with him at school, but even if she was angry Merton didn't think she'd bring up their relationship where someone might overhear.

When Tommy finally let him go he cast a nervous glance at Lori, but to his surprise she wasn't even looking at them. He'd always assumed from the way she talked that she'd pounce on the first opportunity to see them engage in any kind of physical contact, but maybe she wasn't as cool about it as Tommy assumed she was. Before he got his brain to function long enough to find his voice he was being hauled to his feet, and Tommy was shoving his books in his backpack.

"It's okay with you if Merton takes off a little early, isn't it?" Tommy said, looking at Lori for the first time since he walked into the room.

"Sure, whatever," Lori muttered. Merton could tell she wanted to say a lot more than that, but for some reason she held her tongue as Tommy grabbed Merton's jacket and thrust it at him. Tommy didn't seem to notice her uncharacteristic silence, but Merton was pretty sure it wasn't a good time to press the issue. Besides, Tommy seemed determined to get him out of there as quickly as possible, and he had a pretty good idea why. He mumbled a goodbye to Lori that she barely acknowledged and let Tommy pull him toward the stairs, his head spinning from the flurry of activity as much as from the tension in the room.

"What the hell was that?" he asked as soon as they got in his car, turning to face Tommy.

"What?"

"Did you and Lori have a fight or something?"

Tommy sighed and looked down at the seat between them, his silence stretching out for so long that Merton started to worry that something was really wrong. Finally Tommy cleared his throat and looked up again, his expression carefully neutral. "Can we not talk about this right now?"

"No way," Merton answered, glancing over Tommy's shoulder at the huge house they were still parked in front of. "She was busy telling me how ungrateful I am just before you got there, so if there's something else going on I think I have a right to know. What happened?"

"It's not you. Well, it's not your fault anyway. I think she thinks I'm ignoring her. I tried to explain things to her but she just freaked out and took off. She didn't talk to me all day, but I didn't think she'd drag you into it." Tommy frowned and Merton instantly felt guilty for pressing the issue when he obviously didn't feel like dwelling on it. "She's been so cool about everything, I guess I just took it for granted."

"Maybe you should go back in there and talk to her," Merton suggested as gently as he could manage. "I mean I'd do it but I don't know if it would make any difference. She's your best friend, right?"

Tommy shook his head and reached across the seat, covering Merton's hand with his own and squeezing before he pulled away to a safe distance. "She just needs a little time to cool off. I'll talk to her tomorrow, I swear. Right now I just want to not think about any of it for awhile."

Part of Merton felt like he should press the issue; make Tommy go back inside and apologize to Lori. She was just trying to help, after all, even if it wasn't really any of her business. Besides, Tommy had dragged her into the middle of it when he decided to use her house as a meeting place, and it wasn't really fair to her. Merton knew how it felt to suddenly be replaced in someone's life, and he didn't want to be the reason Lori and Tommy stopped being friends. Tommy didn't look like he was in any shape to deal with her, though, so Merton nodded and started the car. He pulled away from the curb and headed in the direction of his own house, praying his parents were working late.


	28. Chapter 28

"Lori?"

"Oh, it's you."

Merton stifled a sigh and shifted the phone so it wasn't quite as close to his ear in case she decided to yell at some point during the conversation. "Um…hi. Listen, about this afternoon…"

"Did Tommy put you up to this?"

"What? No, he doesn't even know I'm calling."

"Because you can tell him that if he thinks he can get you to fight his battles for him he's wrong."

"He's not even here, I swear. He left over an hour ago, he had to get home before his dad."

"Oh. Well then why are you calling me?"

He rolled his eyes, thankful she couldn't see him through the phone line. Lori was nice and she was pretty fun to hang out with, but the truth was she scared him a little. "I just felt bad about the way we left earlier. Tommy told me you were mad at him and I figured it had something to do with me."

"It's not your fault Tommy's a jerk, Merton."

He bit his lip to quell the urge to insist that Tommy wasn't a jerk, that he was under way too much pressure and it wasn't his fault Lori didn't understand that. It was true, but it wasn't going to help her feel any better. Besides, he didn't call her to make things worse. "It's kind of my fault, though. I mean when you asked me what was going on earlier I didn't tell you because I thought you were just teasing me again. If I'd known you and Tommy had a fight about me I would have told you everything was fine."

"We didn't have a fight about you." There was a long pause, and Merton started to wonder if she was waiting for him to say something when she finally continued. "He told you about that?"

"He didn't tell me everything, just that you were worried about me. So I guess…you know, I should thank you."

He heard her sigh on the other end of the line, and he braced himself for a sarcastic comeback. He had no idea if he was just making things worse for Tommy, but after watching him brood for two hours in Merton's bedroom he figured he should at least try. It was Tommy's fault Lori didn't understand what was going on, but that didn't mean Merton couldn't try to help them work things out. He assumed that before he came along Lori was the one Tommy confided in about his messy home life, but even though he felt for Lori he wasn't about to give up his new status as Tommy's confidante.

"Forget it, Merton," she finally said, her tone telling him that she was at least a little less angry than she had been when he first called. "Tommy doesn't really know what he's doing, and he's not that good at talking about stuff. I just don't want to see him screw up something that makes him happy."

"If it makes you feel any better I don't really know what I'm doing either," Merton said. "I mean I've only done this once before, and that didn't end very well."

"Oh yeah? Anybody I know?"

"I don't think so," Merton said, praying she'd let it go. Telling Tommy about his relationship with Alistair was one thing, but he didn't really want to spread it around any more. For one thing it was embarrassing, and anyway he could respect Alistair's privacy even if they weren't friends anymore. "He goes to our school."

"So why'd you break up?"

He stifled a sigh at the memory of his first relationship, although now that he and Tommy were together he wasn't even sure he could call what he and Alistair had an actual relationship. The worst part had been the way it ended, and he usually tried not to think about it. Still, if it would help Lori understand how important Tommy was to him he'd tell her what she wanted to know.

"To tell you the truth we never really talked about it. I mean we were friends, and one thing just sort of led to another. Then one day I guess he just changed his mind because he stopped talking to me."

"Really? And you still see him at school all the time? That's harsh."

"At first it was pretty bad. I mean I wasn't in love with him or anything, but he was my best friend and when we stopped being friends everybody sort of took his side. Not that they knew why we stopped being friends, but it gave them an excuse to avoid me. I'm not exactly the most popular guy in the honors crowd."

"No offense, Merton, but you need some new friends." He smiled at that but stopped short of pointing out that he had Tommy now, and maybe even her.

"Yeah, well, let's just say I know what it's like to suddenly not have a best friend anymore. That's kind of why I called, actually. I know I've been taking up a lot of Tommy's time lately…"

"It's not that," she interrupted, talking over him just quickly enough to let Merton know she was uncomfortable with the subject. "I mean I know how Tommy feels about you, it's not like I didn't expect him to want to hang out with you."

"Yeah, but it still sucks when suddenly your best friend isn't around anymore."

"I guess." She paused again, and he could hear her moving around on the other end of the line like she was looking for something. He'd never actually seen Lori embarrassed about anything, but from what he knew about her he guessed that talking about her attachment to Tommy was the one thing that could make her uncomfortable. "Look, don't worry about it, okay? I mean Tommy and I will work it out as soon as he tells me how sorry he is and begs my forgiveness."

He grinned in spite of himself at the image of Tommy begging Lori to be his friend again. The truth was that was probably exactly what would happen, and Merton was willing to bet it wouldn't be the first time Tommy had groveled about something that upset her. "So you're okay?"

"Sure, Merton, I'm fine. Actually I'm better now that you told me about your break-up with the mystery guy. That beats even my worst break-up story, I feel so much better."

"I'm glad my misery came in handy then," he said, a wry grin turning up the corners of his mouth. Thinking about Alistair used to make his cheeks flush and make him want to move to a new zip code, but now that he and Tommy were together it didn't bother him so much. In fact he hadn't blushed once while he was telling Lori what happened between them, and he didn't feel like hiding or throwing up. "It was a long time ago anyway."

"Still. I thought it was bad when my ex cheated on me with one of my best friends. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, we had this huge, ugly scene. The worst part was that I really liked him, so when he had his car accident and died…" She trailed off and for a second Merton wondered if she was going to cry, panic setting in at the thought of trying to find the right thing to say to comfort Lori. "To tell you the truth I don't know what I saw in the idiot. I guess it was just hard to let it go because we never talked about it before he died."

He stifled a relieved sigh and told himself not to press for more details; he didn't really want to get into a conversation with Lori about her broken heart, no matter how natural it seemed to ask if she wanted to talk about it. "Yeah, that sounds pretty bad. At least Alistair's still around giving me weird looks in the halls. Come to think of it I'm not sure if that's such a good thing."

"Alistair? You mean that creepy blond guy? The one that's always hanging out with that freshman?"

Merton blushed and rolled his eyes at himself for being so stupid. He hadn't meant to say Alistair's name out loud, but he was surprised Lori knew who he was. "Yeah. We were best friends all through grade school and junior high. He wasn't always so stuck up."

"That's good to know, because I was starting to worry about you. Still, how do you get from that guy to Tommy? They're like exact opposites."

"Like I said, Alistair and I were friends for a long time. It just kind of happened, you know? He's not exactly my type. At least I don't think he is. I don't really know what my type is yet."

"Well Tommy might be an idiot sometimes, but at least he wouldn't do what that Alistair guy did. So maybe it worked out for the best."

"Yeah." Merton hadn't let himself think too hard about any of this until now, mainly because he didn't want to build up any unrealistic expectations about what was going to happen after high school. He was still going halfway across the country for college, and even if he did decide to blow off Johns Hopkins they'd have to say goodbye eventually. "Listen, I should go. I still have homework to do."

"Right, I forgot Tommy took up your whole afternoon. Not that you minded."

He could practically see her smirk, and he smiled as he realized that things were more or less back to normal. Or at least as normal as his life ever got. "Not really. So I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sure. Thanks for calling, Merton."

"No problem." He smiled again and hung up, letting out a sigh as soon as his gaze fell on the stack of books sitting on his desk. He had a lot of homework that he'd been avoiding all week, but he couldn't put it off forever. He'd spent most of the week letting Tommy distract him from schoolwork, but it had definitely been worth it. Even watching Tommy brood meant that they got to be together, and Merton almost didn't mind the fact that Tommy seemed to have more on his mind than usual that afternoon. At least he knew that when Tommy was ready to talk about it, he'd be the first one to know.

~

The next time Merton saw Tommy he was with Lori, their heads bent together as they walked down the hall toward him. The way everyone looked at them or moved out of their way reminded Merton of one of those John Hughes movies about the high school social hierarchy, but even that thought wasn't enough to snap him out of his mood. He was glad they'd made up, and it was obvious from the way they were talking that they had. Part of him couldn't help being jealous, though, and as much as he hated that about himself he couldn't change it.

He wanted it to be him walking shoulder to shoulder with Tommy, Tommy's arm draped securely around his shoulders as the taller boy leaned down to whisper in Merton's ear. It should have been him laughing at whatever Tommy just whispered to Lori, and it should have been him smiling up at his boyfriend like there was no one else in the entire school. The fact that Tommy and Lori really did look like the perfect couple was good for Tommy's image, but it wasn't doing anything to help Merton get through the day.

As they got closer to his locker Merton told himself that he hoped they wouldn't even see him, because he was sure if Tommy looked at him he'd be able to tell exactly what Merton was thinking. He didn't want to have to explain later why he'd looked so jealous of Lori. He wasn't even sure if Tommy would understand; he'd never been in Merton's shoes, and Merton was pretty sure Tommy would never have to worry about that.

It was Lori that noticed him first, her grin brightening as she caught his eye. "Hey, Merton."

He swallowed a groan and managed a weak smile, his gaze darting to Tommy for a split second before he focused on Lori again. "Hi."

He said a silent prayer that she'd let it go at her usual 'hey' and keep walking, but as soon as he thought it she stopped in front of him. "Thanks again for last night," she said, stealing a quick glance at Tommy before she turned back to Merton. "You definitely cleared some things up."

Merton didn't want to look at Tommy, he knew it was a bad idea to even acknowledge the fact that the other boy was standing there. It was like he couldn't help it, though, almost like there was some kind of force pulling him in Tommy's direction. As soon as he glanced over at Tommy he knew that Lori must have told him about their phone call, because Tommy didn't look at all surprised. "Don't mention it," he answered, resisting the urge to add 'please'.

"Seriously, it was cool of you to call," she continued as if he hadn't said anything. "It definitely helped make Tommy's case."

He had no idea what she was up to, and he couldn't tell from Tommy's expression what he was missing. He had to have missed something, though, because there was no way Lori was just casually chatting with him about Tommy in the middle of a crowded hallway. Anybody else would probably think Tommy was bored, but Merton knew him well enough to see that he was uncomfortable. Maybe not to the same alarming degree as Merton, but he obviously didn't know what Lori was doing either.

"It was no problem," he mumbled, finally deciding that looking at the floor was preferable to looking at either one of them. It would almost be easier to believe he'd fallen and hit his head, hallucinating his entire relationship with Tommy. Maybe he really was just Lori's tutor, and somehow he'd dreamed up an entire love life that would never, ever happen in reality. Or maybe he was back in the hospital after that first time he passed out in Chemistry, and Tommy didn't even know the extent of the damage T'n'T had inflicted on him. Either possibility was more likely than the idea of Lori practically outing both of them in the hallway before first period.

"Thanks again, Merton. See you later," she said, smiling at him as though the entire conversation was normal.

"Yeah, see you," Merton said without looking at her. His attention was focused squarely on Tommy, and for once he forgot that the entire senior class was probably watching them. He knew better, but Tommy was looking at him almost like…no, there was no way. Tommy was not thinking about doing something he couldn't take back right in the middle of the hall, not after all the time they'd spent covering their tracks. He knew as well as Merton did that if anyone found out it would ruin everything. Suddenly Merton wasn't sure about anything, though, and all he really wanted to do was go home and lie down.

A second later Tommy was gone, letting Lori steer him down the hall again. Merton let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding as he watched them go, swallowing the swell of disappointment that Tommy hadn't actually gone through with it. Tommy hadn't said a word, in fact, but Merton could tell exactly what he was thinking when he'd looked at his face. He didn't know what Lori and Tommy had talked about that morning, but he was pretty sure he could guess.

He turned toward his first class, hoping to avoid anyone that might actually talk to him until he reached the sanctity of his desk. Usually having English Lit first period was his idea of torture, but after the weirdness of the past few minutes he was almost looking forward to a boring lecture on Jonathan Swift. At least no one would notice if he looked slightly dazed.

As soon as he turned around he found himself face to face with a few of his classmates, and he stifled the groan that rose up in his throat when he realized he wasn't going to escape the hallway as fast as he'd hoped.

"That was an interesting little scene," one of them said. Merton was too busy trying to figure out a way out of the conversation to pay attention to who was talking, but he had a feeling they weren't going to make it easy for him. "So what did she mean by 'thanks for last night'?"

He was tempted to tell them it was none of their business, but even though it was the truth he knew that would just make it worse. Instead he forced his expression to go blank and focused on a point just over Eric's right shoulder. "I tutor her in Chemistry on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's no big deal."

"You know, that's weird because most of us are tutoring one of the jocks and none of us ever see you in the tutoring room after school. In fact, nobody's seen you or Lori since the first day."

"She likes to study at her house," Merton answered, biting back a sarcastic remark about how he'd already explained this to them once and if they couldn't remember anything it wasn't his problem. If they were all so interested in his social life he wished they'd write this stuff down so he didn't have to keep going over it, but he had a feeling they weren't interested in the truth about his relationship with Lori.

"So you hang around in that huge house of hers and study Chemistry?" Merton looked over at the source of the voice when the question was followed by a sarcastic laugh, scowling at his so-called friend Eric. "What's her boyfriend think about that?"

"Please, like Merton's got something going on with Tommy Dawkins' girlfriend," Amanda interjected, trying and failing to wipe the smirk off her face when Merton turned his attention to her. "No offense, Merton, but like that would ever happen."

He wanted to tell them the truth more than anything; he wished Tommy had gone through with his impulse to kiss Merton before Lori dragged him away, the consequences be damned. He didn't care about Tommy's dad or the football team or what the last two months of school would be like. All he cared about was the fact that none of them knew anything about him, and he was really tired of everyone just assuming that he didn't have any feelings.

The truth was that he knew all of them a lot better than they remembered; he could throw any number of ancient hurts in their faces, like the fact that Amanda had been a little overweight in grade school. It had taken her a long time to live down that image, even after she went away on a six-month 'vacation' with her mother and came back 30 pounds lighter. He knew enough about Alistair to make his life a living hell, and he knew the rest of their secrets too. There was a time when he thought it was funny how quickly they all forgot that he used to be counted among their closest friends, but standing there in front of them the urge to use that information against them was almost overwhelming.

Instead of giving in to the urge to remind them all of their own shortcomings he forced a bitter laugh, shrugging and shifting his backpack a little further up his shoulder. "Amanda's always been smarter than you guys, you should listen to her," he said, pushing his way through them to disappear into his English classroom. Most of them were in his class but he didn't look back to see if they followed; he assumed they'd linger in the hallway to gossip about him until the bell rang, and for once he hoped he was right. At least if they were busy inventing some pathetic crush on Lori they wouldn't come too close to the truth, and as long as he could protect Tommy from the kind of gossip he'd grown accustomed to he didn't care what they said about him.


	29. Chapter 29

A few weeks had passed since what Merton had come to think of as The Hallway Incident, and they still hadn't talked about it. When he'd asked Lori at their next tutoring session why she'd stopped in the middle of the hall to talk to him about their phone call she'd just shrugged and changed the subject. Tommy didn't even seem to remember it, or if he did he wasn't talking. Merton would have thought he imagined the whole thing if it wasn't for the increased whispers among his classmates whenever he happened to pass them, but as long as they were still stuck on the idea of him and Lori he wasn't going to panic.

Well, he was trying not to panic, anyway, which was getting increasingly harder each time he saw Tommy in school. Lori and Tommy had gone back to saying a quick hello if they even acknowledged his presence in the halls, but every time their eyes met Tommy had that look on his face. Merton knew that look – he'd worked hard after his messy break-up with Alistair to avoid letting his ex-best friend see it – and it worried him more than even Tommy and Lori's silence on the subject of The Hallway Incident.

If anyone had bothered to ask he would have had to admit that part of him was flattered by the way Tommy looked at him, but it terrified him as much as it thrilled him to think that Tommy might be willing to risk everything in the last few weeks of high school. If it had just been that one time he could have convinced himself that Tommy was just having a bad day, but after it happened a few more times he couldn't deny it anymore. He knew he had to say something to Tommy, but he wasn't even sure how to begin that conversation. The fact that thanks to Mr. Dawkins they'd barely seen each other over the past few weeks wasn't helping, and Merton had no idea when he'd even get a chance to ask Tommy if everything was okay.

They hadn't had definite plans since Tommy's week-long break from the basketball team; now that he was back to daily practices and weekend games Merton barely ever saw him. He tried not to show how much it bothered him, but he could tell Lori thought something was up and it was only a matter of time before she said something to Tommy. It wasn't as though Tommy could do anything about it, though, not when almost all his free time was monitored by his father.

The complete lack of control Merton had over his own love life had led him to long bouts of brooding alone in his room, the stereo playing something suitably depressing just loud enough that his parents wouldn't come in and make him turn it down. The last thing he needed was a heart to heart with either of them; not only was it embarrassing, but he was pretty sure they wouldn't understand what he was going through. Even his schoolwork was starting to grind to a halt, save the final term papers he'd already pretty much finished for his English and History classes. So there was nothing for him to do that night except exactly what he was doing; lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling and brooding about Tommy.

He almost didn't hear the knock on his window over his favorite Joy Division CD, but when the knock sounded a second time he sat up and looked over at the window. His curtains were open to let in the light from an almost full moon, and when he stood up and looked out the window he could see Tommy clearly silhouetted against the darkness.

"Tommy? What's going on?" he asked when he pushed the window up as far as it would go.

"Nothing. The game's over, I just wanted to see if you were awake. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course," Merton answered, taking a few steps backwards as he watched Tommy grip the windowsill and easily push himself up and through the window. "Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?"

Tommy didn't answer until he'd climbed over the windowsill and closed the window behind him. When he turned back to Merton his cheeks were slightly pink from the exertion of climbing through the window, and he slid off his jacket and dropped it on Merton's desk. "I didn't want to wake up your parents."

Merton glanced over at the clock, realizing for the first time that it was past 10:00. "How long can you stay?"

"My dad's out with his friends so I've got a couple hours at least," Tommy answered. "And as long as I don't get caught I think he's pretty much over the lying thing. So I might be able to get out tomorrow night. If you want."

"Of course I want…I mean of course I do," Merton amended quickly, his cheeks turning a deeper shade of red as Tommy grinned at him. "Are you sure it's a good idea, though? After the last time who knows what he'll do if he catches you."

"I'm sick of worrying about it," Tommy answered, letting out a frustrated sigh and running his hands through his hair. "All I ever think about is whether or not somebody's gonna catch on. I'm sick of it."

Part of Merton regretted bringing it up at all, but since he already had there was no reason to waste the opportunity. "Is that what that thing in the hallway was about?"

"What thing?"

"Lori stopping to thank me for interfering in your problems," Merton said, stifling the urge to let out a sigh of his own. He wasn't sure why they both kept pretending they didn't know what he was talking about, but he wasn't going to stop asking until he figured out what he was missing. "And you've been really distracted lately. Not just at school, either."

"Sorry." Tommy let out another deep breath and crossed the room to sink onto the edge of Merton's mattress. "It's not you. I mean this is part of it, but mostly it's me. I don't know what I'm doing, I hate having to worry about my parents and the kids at school but if anybody finds out…"

"Nobody's going to find out, Tommy," Merton heard himself say, thankful Tommy wasn't looking at him so he wouldn't see Merton wince. He hated covering their tracks as much as Tommy did, if not more, but they were talking about Tommy's whole future. He had a lot more to lose than Merton did, and when Merton left Pleasantville behind Tommy had to stay and deal with the consequences. "I mean if you're saying you want to call it off I'll understand."

It was a lie; he'd never understand why this was happening to them, but he wouldn't try to stop Tommy if he wanted to walk away before anything else happened. The last few weeks of school would be torture if he had to go back to pretending he didn't know Tommy at all, but if Tommy wanted out there wasn't much he could do about it. It came as a shock when Tommy looked up sharply, panic flooding his features as he reached over and pulled Merton down onto the mattress with him. A second later he found himself wrapped in a pair of strong arms, hot breath warming his neck.

"No," Tommy said, his lips brushing Merton's skin and sending a shiver down his spine. "I don't…you're leaving way too soon as it is, I don't want to call off anything."

Merton took a few seconds to commit the moment to memory before he responded; all too soon all he'd have was his memories of Tommy's touch and the sound of his voice, and he didn't want to forget a thing. When he was satisfied that he'd never forget the quiet desperation in Tommy's voice he pulled back just enough to press his lips to Tommy's, tightening his grip on the other boy as Tommy kissed him back with an urgency he'd never felt before.

Relief and uncertainty were replaced by a surge of want as Tommy pulled him backwards onto the mattress, sliding one hand under Merton's shirt to press against the small of his back. Merton let Tommy tug him even closer, saying a quick prayer that if either of his parents overheard them that they'd at least wait until the morning to tell him Tommy wasn't welcome in their house anymore. He'd deal with whatever he had to tomorrow, as long as they didn't interrupt the few hours of Tommy's time he got that night.

He pulled back long enough to pull his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor before he reached for Tommy's shirt. As soon as his shirt was off Tommy settled back against Merton's pillows, green eyes shining with an emotion Merton wouldn't let himself think about as Tommy stared up at him. He swallowed the urge to say how he felt out loud, tearing his gaze away from Tommy's and reaching for the waistband of his jeans. Something in the air made it feel almost final, like it was the last night they'd have together. Merton knew it wasn't true; there were still almost two months until the end of the school year, and Tommy had just said that he'd try to come over the next night.

Knowing that didn't help him shake the feeling that this was some kind of turning point for them, and Merton had to close his eyes to fight back the tears that were threatening to form. He wasn't going to cry about it, not in front of Tommy. This was just the way it had to be; high school romances never worked out anyway, so he knew better than to get so attached. When he felt Tommy shift underneath him and then a pair of arms wrap around him he almost lost the battle with his emotions, but he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and let Tommy pull him back down onto the mattress.

He let Tommy push his boxers down his legs, kicking them off the rest of the way as Tommy pushed his own jeans and boxers onto the floor. The weight of Tommy's chest felt reassuring against his, and what had started out as him comforting Tommy turned into Tommy whispering soothing words against his throat as they rocked together. Later when he thought about it he'd be embarrassed that Tommy could tell how close he'd come to crying, but Tommy didn't seem to mind and Merton wasn't about to stop him long enough to stammer some useless explanation. Tommy knew as well as he did what the sudden surge of emotion was about, even if Merton hadn't said it out loud. He wasn't sure what to make of the fact that the other boy didn't seem surprised, but he couldn't concentrate long enough to decide whether or not to worry.

Then Tommy reached between them and Merton stopped thinking at all, giving himself over to the sensation of Tommy's fingers wrapping around his erection. He mirrored the other boy's movements automatically, swallowing the sound of Tommy's gasp with another kiss. He knew it would be over too soon, and when Tommy moaned and tightened his grip Merton buried his face in the other boy's neck to stifle a gasp. He arched into Tommy, his fist tightening convulsively on Tommy's dick as he rode out the wave of pleasure. When he came back to himself Tommy was still thrusting against him, and Merton pushed him back onto the mattress and straddled his hips.

For a second Tommy looked confused, then realization dawned on him and he squeezed his eyes shut tight to stop himself from losing control before he was ready. Merton pressed a soft kiss to his parted lips, pulling away almost immediately to work his way down Tommy's neck and chest. Fingers found their way to his hair to guide him further down, past Tommy's stomach to close his mouth around Tommy's length. He could feel Tommy straining not to thrust up into his mouth, and he pressed his hands against Tommy's hips to hold him against the mattress as he swallowed as much as he could and then pulled back again. When he glanced up at Tommy his eyes were open again, the emotion Merton had seen earlier still shining in his eyes. He tore his gaze away from the other boy's and worked his mouth up and down Tommy's length a little faster, ignoring the tightening in his chest and his pulse pounding against his ears.

He felt Tommy tense and pulled off a little, waiting until Tommy shuddered out the last of his orgasm before he pulled back and stretched out on the mattress next to the other boy. As soon as he settled against Tommy he found himself wrapped in strong arms again, heat hitting his neck as Tommy tried to catch his breath. He was almost sure he heard Tommy murmur something against his skin, but he couldn't make out the words and he didn't want to pull away long enough to ask Tommy to repeat himself. Instead he closed his eyes and breathed in their mingled scents, doing his best not to think about the fact that Tommy would have to get up and leave again long before he was ready to let go.

~

When Merton woke up on Saturday morning the night before came rushing back in vivid detail, staining his cheeks red as he turned his face into the pillow and inhaled the scent of Tommy lingering in his sheets. Neither of them had been too crazy about the idea of Tommy going home, but as long as Tommy didn't raise his father's suspicions or get caught sneaking back into his house they still had tonight to look forward to. Merton grinned at the thought and threw the sheets back, humming to himself on his way to the bathroom.

Once his teeth were brushed and he was fairly sure his parents wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at him that Tommy had been there the night before he made his way to the kitchen. He stopped short just outside the door, the sound of his sister's voice catching his attention. He pushed the kitchen door open enough to see that Becky was on the phone, twirling the cord around her finger as she leaned against the counter and talked animatedly to one of her friends.

"No, not lately. He's so busy with basketball though, semi-finals are coming up. I think he's coming over tonight, though." She paused to listen to whatever the person on the other end of the line was saying, but Merton had already heard enough to know who she was talking about. He should have known Becky would make her friends think that Tommy was hanging around their house because of her, but until that moment he hadn't thought about what kind of trouble that could cause for Tommy. Becky had no idea what was going on between them, Merton was sure of it. The fact that she had no idea what she was doing didn't make him feel any better, though.

"I know, there's no other explanation. I mean why would he hang around with my freak brother if he didn't have another reason? I'll probably be the only freshman at the prom."

Merton rolled his eyes, although he wasn't sure whether to be bothered by the fact that Becky thought he was useless as a friend or embarrassed for her that she thought she had a shot at Tommy Dawkins. Then again he'd never thought he'd have a shot at Tommy Dawkins, and look how that had turned out. Part of him felt sorry for Becky, because when she figured out the real reason Tommy was so interested in him she was going to be pretty disappointed. The rest of him just wanted to kill her for gossiping to her friends about his social life.

He waited until she hung up the phone before he pushed the kitchen door open the rest of the way, his eyes narrowing as she looked over at him long enough to roll her eyes. "First of all, Tommy is not asking you to the prom. I don't even think he remembers your name," Merton said, ignoring the flash of hurt in her eyes. It was replaced almost instantly by an indignant scowl, and she crossed her arms over her chest as he crossed the room to stop in front of her.

"What are you doing eavesdropping on my conversations, Freak? God, you're so creepy, you don't have any friends of your own so you have to listen to me talk to mine?"

He ignored the sting of hurt that came along with the insult and focused on the most important issue. "If you don't want people to hear you talking you should try lowering your voice. And what are you doing telling your friends anything about Tommy? Don't you have anything better to talk about?"

"Can I help it if everyone at school's wondering what Tommy's doing hanging around with you? He's not paying you to do his homework, is he?"

He could tell by her smirk that he hadn't quite managed to keep from reacting to the accusation, but he shrugged it off as quickly as he could. "Stop spreading rumors about Tommy, Becky. You don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm not spreading rumors. All I said was that he's been hanging around here a lot lately. Why's that a big secret? I mean I could see Tommy being embarrassed, but you should be taking out an ad in the paper or something."

She was wearing the expression that told Merton she thought she'd figured out something important, but there was no way he could tell her why it was such a big deal without telling her the truth. He had no idea how his sister would take the news that he was gay, but since she evidently hadn't figured it out yet he wasn't going to tempt fate. For all he knew she'd start spreading that around school, and then Tommy really would have something to worry about. "Just quit talking about stuff you don't understand," he finally answered through gritted teeth.

"You can't just order me around, Freaker. It's a free country, you know," she shot back, taking a step backwards when she caught the flash of anger in his eyes.

Before he had a chance to answer the kitchen door swung open again, and they both turned in time to see their mother walk into the room. For a long time Merton had been convinced that she had some sort of maternal ESP that let her know when one of her children was contemplating murdering the other, and her sudden appearance cemented his theory. If she'd waited thirty seconds he probably would have said or done something he'd regret, and he was pretty sure from the expression on his sister's fact that Becky could tell.

"What on earth are you two yelling about now?" their mother demanded, hands on her hips as she glared at them.

"He was totally eavesdropping, Mom. I was just talking to Ashley and he listened to my whole conversation."

"She was talking about me," Merton said, his gaze never leaving his sister.

"Yeah, right, like anybody would want to hear about you," she shot back, some of her confidence returning now that their mother was in the room.

"Rebecca, go clean your room," their mother said, raising her eyebrows when Becky opened her mouth to argue. "You're not leaving this house until it's spotless. And any more fighting and you're not spending the night at Ashley's."

"He started it," Becky insisted, shooting a glare at Merton.

"I don't care, it's too early to listen to the two of you yelling. Merton, stay out of your sister's way until she leaves. Go sit down and I'll fix your breakfast. Becky, go. Now."

Becky let out a final indignant huff and stormed out of the kitchen, muttering under her breath until the door swung shut behind her. When she was gone Mrs. Dingle let out a weary sigh and shook her head, ignoring Merton until she'd started his breakfast. Part of Merton wanted to apologize to her for fighting with Becky; he knew how much it irritated her, but this time he had a good reason. Apologizing for fighting with his sister seemed almost wrong, though, so he kept his mouth shut and stared at the newspaper without seeing any of the words.

"You know, someday you two might even be friends, as crazy as it sounds now," his mother said, her voice gentle as she watched him from the stove.

He managed a weak laugh and glanced in the direction his sister had disappeared. "Somehow I don't think Becky's ever going to think much of me."

"She's a smart girl, she might surprise you one of these days."

"I guess stranger things have happened." He sighed and looked down at the table, regretting the fight even more now that his mother was actually being nice to him. "It's just that she was talking about Tommy, how he's been hanging around with me. I know she doesn't know what's going on, but…forget it."

He let out a frustrated sigh and looked up at his mother, his stomach twisting when he found her studying him with a worried expression etched in her features. "How are things at school?"

"Fine," he answered automatically, although he knew what she was asking him. Part of him wanted to tell her the truth; that things at school were weird, and things between him and Tommy were even weirder. The thought of having that conversation with his mother made him want to throw up, though, so he stuck to the vaguest answer he could think of. "Everything's the same as it always is."

"And Tommy? Is everything okay for him at school?"

"Sure, he's Tommy Dawkins. Everybody loves Tommy."

She nodded in a way that let him know he wasn't fooling her, turning back to the eggs she was scrambling. "We haven't seen much of him lately."

"Yeah, his dad's…he's been busy with basketball and stuff," he amended, wincing at the almost-slip. He wasn't sure what Tommy would think if Merton spilled the truth about Mr. Dawkins to his parents, but he didn't want to find out. There wasn't anything they could do anyway, and Tommy wouldn't be happy about having to answer a bunch of well-meaning but stupid questions about his family. "He might come over tonight."

"Good," his mother said, nodding without looking over at him. Merton shuddered at the chill that ran down his spine, wondering all over again if his mother knew everything whether he told her or not. Before he convinced himself that he was imagining things she looked up again, her contemplative expression replaced by a bright smile. "It's been awhile, it'll be nice to see him again."


	30. Chapter 30

Sometimes having a secret that nobody else knew was kind of cool. Most of the time Merton was just nervous that somebody would find out, but every so often he'd catch himself thinking about Tommy and he couldn't control the smile that formed. Anybody that happened to look at him probably thought he was crazy, but he didn't really care what people at school thought of him. In a few months most of them would have forgotten who he was, so it didn't matter if they thought he was losing it.

It was a good thing he didn't care since it had been happening more and more lately. There was no real explanation for it, because with basketball coming to a close Tommy was busier than ever trying to keep the team in the running for State Finals. Merton didn't pretend to care about that stuff, but he knew it was important to Tommy. He had a feeling that the reason it was important to Tommy had more to do with his dad than any actual interest in basketball, but either way he tried to understand why they barely saw each other during the week.

The few times they had managed to steal a few hours together had been nothing short of amazing, though, at least when Merton remembered them while he was daydreaming during English class or staring out the window during Chemistry. Now that everything – okay, almost everything – was out in the open, they could pretty much talk about anything that happened to cross their minds. It was nice not to have to worry about what he said in front of Tommy, especially when they were curled up together in his room or on the couch and he was half asleep. Watching what he said while he was less than aware was a challenge, but now he didn't have to worry about it.

Tommy didn't seem to mind questions about his parents, for instance, so Merton had learned more than he ever expected to about Tommy's family over the past few weeks. He knew that his father had blown out his knee in high school, effectively ending his dream of becoming a professional football player. He knew that Dean never wanted to play football, and getting himself kicked out of school was his way of standing up to their dad. Tommy had said some things during his own less guarded moments about what he wanted to do with his future, and professional football hadn't come up once.

Merton tried not to read too much into the things Tommy said while he was more or less thinking out loud, but part of him wanted to believe Tommy was thinking about finally standing up to his father. He told himself every time the thought crossed his mind that it wouldn't make any difference for them; he'd still be going away to college, and even if Tommy said he wanted to keep in touch he knew they weren't going to have some great long-distance romance. At best they'd stay friends, and Tommy would have somebody that knew exactly what he was going through. Once Tommy figured out a way around his father he wouldn't even need that anymore, and then they'd lose touch completely.

He knew eventually they wouldn't even know each other, and the best he could hope for was that Tommy would stumble out of the closet someday and remember Merton as his first boyfriend. He knew he'd never forget Tommy, because even though he wasn't Merton's first relationship he was the first person Merton had really fallen for. Everybody always said that you never forget your first love, and for the first time he believed them.

So he wasn't waiting around for Tommy to come out, because he knew that wasn't going to happen. He wasn't waiting for anything, in fact; mostly he was just hoping to make it to the end of the school year without any more close calls. He had no idea what his mother had said to his sister, but whatever it was worked because the one time she'd been home when Tommy came over she'd almost acted like a human being. He wasn't sure whether to be grateful or nervous about the looks Becky gave him every time she saw him lately, but she hadn't said anything to him yet so he was doing his best to ignore it.

Aside from his sister and her friends the only problem he had was whatever his classmates were saying about him, and even though he wasn't thrilled that they all thought he was carrying a torch for Lori he'd never denied it. There was no point, because either they'd just decide he was protesting too much or they'd put their heads together and come up with the real truth. If it wasn't for Tommy he might just tell them himself, because he didn't really care what they thought of him. He couldn't be the reason Tommy's world came crumbling down around him, though, not when Tommy had risked so much just to see him for a few hours every weekend.

He'd come pretty close to blurting out the truth once or twice, but he'd caught himself before he said anything he couldn't take back. Even if he tried to laugh it off and pretend he was kidding he knew that as soon as he said it out loud they'd be able to tell it was true, and he couldn't afford to risk it. Besides, he was used to being a topic of speculation for the kids in his classes, and there were worse people they could accuse him of having a crush on. At least Lori was pretty cool, and he did spend a lot more time with her than most of the other kids spent with their tutoring partners. The fact that he and Lori might just be friends never dawned on any of them, but that didn't really surprise Merton. He'd learned the hard way that people were always far more willing to believe an interesting lie than a mundane truth.

After the second time Lori stopped to talk to him in the hallway Merton had told her what everyone was saying, hoping that would convince her to choose the times she talked to him more carefully. Instead of backing off around his classmates she'd just laughed and gone even further out of her way to say hi to him, and if she wasn't with Tommy she usually turned her smile up just enough to give them something to really talk about. Merton might have thought it was funny too if they weren't starting to talk about Tommy, wondering if he was really that blind or if he just didn't care that Lori was flirting with her Chemistry tutor.

So instead of helping Merton get through the last weeks of school without any more humiliation than necessary she seemed hell-bent on making things worse. He couldn't really blame her; he knew she resented the way his so-called friends treated him and she was just torturing them because she thought it was funny. She had no idea what she was doing to Merton, though, or how potentially dangerous it was to fuel a rumor that had no basis in truth but came a little too close to what was really going on. The fact was that they were right, they just had the wrong person. Merton had a crush, alright, and it was completely and unbelievably requited. If they knew that the whole school would be talking about it in no time, and that was the one thing Merton was most afraid of.

There was nothing he could do about it, though, so he did his best to keep Lori away from the honors crowd and hoped they'd get through the rest of high school without incident. He hated wishing for the end of school because it meant he was that much closer to saying goodbye to Tommy, but part of him thought it would be better when they were apart. Better for Tommy, anyway, because he wouldn't have to worry about anyone finding out about them once Merton was gone. It wouldn't be better for Merton to be halfway across the United States from Tommy, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Once it was over Tommy would go back to his normal life, and Merton would just have to find a way to get over it.

He frowned at the crowd gathered outside his Calculus class and looked down at the linoleum, hunching his shoulders and hoping none of them would notice as he passed on his way into the room. He might have made it past them without incident if a hand hadn't closed around his arm right before he walked through the door, and he turned to find himself face to face with Lori. As soon as he realized who it was his heart sank, because there was no way the other kids from his class would miss the fact that Lori had stopped him on purpose.

"Hey," she said, glancing over his shoulder before she focused on him again. He was tempted to follow her gaze, but he had a feeling he already knew what she was looking at. Most of the reason he hadn't seen her walking toward him was because he'd been too busy focusing on getting past Alistair and his entourage without having to talk to any of them. He'd regretted telling Lori that Alistair was his ex-boyfriend as soon as he said it, but now he regretted it even more. "Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I have to bail on tutoring today. Tommy's got this thing for basketball, they do this lame end of the year pep rally thing for the players and he hates going to that stuff by himself."

He knew what she wasn't telling him; that the rest of the team would be bringing their girlfriends, so Tommy couldn't show up without his. His stomach felt like it was full of lead, but he did his best to keep his reaction from showing on his face. Being jealous that Tommy was taking Lori to some party with the basketball team wasn't going to change anything, and it wasn't like they could talk about it in the middle of the hall anyway.

"Okay," he finally answered, forcing what he hoped passed for a casual grin. "No problem, I've got a term paper to work on anyway."

It was a lie; he'd finished his last term paper that weekend while he was trying not to obsess about what Tommy was doing. She didn't need to know that, though, and anyway it was just tutoring. It wasn't like Tommy was blowing off plans they'd made to hang out with Lori. He was just taking the girl the entire school assumed was his girlfriend to a party, it was perfectly natural. It was probably a good idea, even, because with the way Tommy had been acting lately people were probably starting to wonder what was wrong with him.

"I think I'd actually rather study Chemistry than go to this thing," Lori said. Merton had been hoping she'd just let it go at that, but as soon as she started talking again he realized she wasn't done. "I mean Tommy's great and all but the rest of them I could live without."

He grinned self-consciously and shifted his weight, his mind racing as he tried to think of a way to get rid of her without raising anyone's suspicions. It would be one thing if everyone in his classes didn't think he was harboring some kind of crush on her, but he knew as soon as she finally left he'd hear about it. The less she said to him the better, as far as he was concerned. It didn't even matter what she was saying, as long as she was talking to him it would give his audience something to gossip about.

"Well we can catch up on Thursday," he said, stopping himself before he looked over his shoulder at Alistair and the rest of the students watching them. "On your Chemistry, I mean."

"Okay." Lori frowned a little as though she was thinking about asking him what was wrong, then she glanced over his shoulder again and changed her mind. "Sure, Merton. See you then." He nodded at her back as she turned and started down the hall again, taking a deep breath and steeling himself before he turned back toward his classroom.

"That's too bad, Merton. You got dumped for Tommy Dawkins again, huh?" Eric said as soon as Merton turned to face them.

"Funny," Merton muttered under his breath, glancing over Eric's shoulder as he wondered what they'd say if he just made a break for it. He could just turn around and go to the nurse's office, she might believe him if he said he felt dizzy and needed to lie down. It wasn't that far from the truth anyway, lately he'd been feeling a little light-headed whenever the subject of Lori or Tommy came up.

"Come on, you guys, lay off him," Paul said, surprising Merton into glancing over at the other boy. Paul had never been a close friend of his, but he was usually the first one to stick up for whoever their friends decided to make fun of. "He's obviously got a crush on Lori and you're just making him feel worse. Quit rubbing it in, he knows it's not gonna happen."

Merton opened his mouth to tell all of them that they didn't know what they were talking about, but he was interrupted by a sarcastic laugh. He turned in time to see Alistair smirking at him, his expression telling Merton exactly how funny he thought the idea of Merton and Lori was. "Haven't you guys figured it out by now? Lori's not exactly Merton's type."

As soon as he heard Alistair laugh Merton tensed, but he hadn't been expecting his former best friend to say that. Even when he was cutting Merton out of his life Alistair had been careful not to let on that there was anything going on between them, and he'd spent the next few years distancing himself from Merton as much as possible. Maybe he thought it had been long enough that nobody would put two and two together, but either way Merton couldn't help wondering why Alistair was suddenly so interested in his social life. Then again, this was the first time he'd had a social life since Alistair ended their friendship.

"Shut up, Alistair."

"Ooh, clever comeback," Alistair said, his smirk twisting into something a little more threatening as he looked Merton up and down. "You'd have to do better than that to impress Lori, but I guess it doesn't matter. Her boyfriend's not that smart."

Merton bit down hard on the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from saying the words 'he's not her boyfriend'. He wanted to, more than anything he wanted to make sure Alistair understood that he wasn't running around behind Lori's back with a guy she thought was her boyfriend. He couldn't say that either, though, no matter how good it would feel to tell Alistair the truth and finally shut all of them up. He couldn't even tell Alistair how wrong he was about Tommy without admitting at least part of the truth.

"What are you talking about?" Eric asked, his features twisted into a mixture of shock and disbelief. "You're not saying…"

"I'm saying Merton's got a crush. But it's not on Lori. You don't swing that way, do you Merton?"

Merton watched Alistair while he spoke, frozen in place by the look on the other boy's face. He knew Alistair didn't want him around as a reminder of something he obviously wanted to forget, but until that moment he'd never let himself think about why Alistair didn't want to remember. He'd told himself that his former best friend just didn't like him, that he'd decided he wasn't into guys after all and they couldn't go back to being just friends. What he hadn't expected was to see jealousy flash in Alistair's eyes. It was only there for a split second, then it was gone again and replaced by his usual mocking expression. Merton had definitely seen it, though; he knew Alistair well enough to recognize it.

It should have made him angry, or maybe sad that their friendship had to end because Alistair wasn't ready to deal with the truth about himself. All Merton really felt was pity, though, because he knew that Alistair was lashing out at him because he didn't want to deal with who he was. "I guess you'd know better than anybody," Merton said quietly, holding the other boy's gaze for another moment before he turned and walked away.

He was halfway down the hall before he realized that he was supposed to be in Calculus, but when the bell rang he kept on walking. He'd probably have detention the next day, but he couldn't make himself care. It was just a couple classes anyway, and he knew he wouldn't be able to sit through Calculus and then Chemistry with all of them staring and whispering behind his back. His heart was pounding too hard against his ribcage, and as soon as he realized what he'd just done he had to stop and lean against a locker. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, and all he could think was that Tommy was going to kill him.

He'd been trying so hard not to say the truth out loud, but all it took was to look at his ex-best friend and see jealousy and he'd blurted it out. The worst part was that he didn't even care about Alistair anymore; his bleached hair could turn green from jealousy and Merton wouldn't give a damn. It wasn't like Alistair wanted him back, if that was it he'd have said something a long time ago. What he was jealous of was the fact that Merton had accepted who he was without really second-guessing it, and Alistair was still trying to figure out a way around being gay. He was worse off than Tommy in that respect, because at least Tommy knew what he wanted. Even if he couldn't be open about it he'd probably get there someday, but Alistair was still as confused as he'd been their freshman year.

That didn't make what he'd just done any better, though, because not only had he outed both of them, but he'd just made Tommy's life that much more difficult. The rumors would probably start flying before he even made it home, and there was nothing he could do to change it. He could leave town in the dead of night and never look back, but that wouldn't help Tommy. The only thing he could do was hope that the rumors would focus on him and not his relationship with Tommy.


	31. Chapter 31

The day after Merton came out he didn't go to school. Maybe that made him a coward, but he wasn't in the mood to spend a lot of time thinking about it. Instead he told his mother that he felt dizzy and let her fuss over him until she was convinced he wasn't dying, then he closed his eyes and tried not to think about what was going to happen when she figured out he was faking and made him go back.

Trying not to think about it was a guarantee that he would, and by the time school ended he'd dreamed up at least a dozen different scenarios, all of them ending in an ugly scene that involved outing Tommy and ruining both their lives. He tried to convince himself that he was just being dramatic and that nothing would happen, but he never quite managed to get himself to believe it. The look on Alistair's face just before he walked away let Merton know that it wasn't over, and he had no doubt that when he got back to school it would be common knowledge that he'd more or less come out to half his Calculus class.

He'd alternated between worrying about Tommy and an almost giddy sense of freedom for the past twenty-four hours. It felt good to have the truth finally out in the open; it felt more than good, but as soon as he remembered what it was going to do to Tommy all the guilt came rushing back. He'd spent the entire day confusing himself, and by the time his sister got home from school his head hurt so much he could barely open his eyes.

If his mother hadn't already explained it to Becky she'd know by now, but he was fairly confident that she wouldn't knock on his door looking to have a heart-to-heart about his sexuality. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if she opted to move in with one of her friends until he was safely out of the house, if for no other reason than to distance herself from him as much as possible at school. The truth about him was going to affect her, which was something else he hadn't thought of until after he let Alistair push him into finally admitting the truth.

The fact that he'd outed Alistair too wasn't much of a consolation, because he wasn't sure anyone would believe him. Besides, he didn't really want to hurt the person he used to think of as his best friend, even if Alistair had made it practically his life's goal to make sure everyone saw Merton as some kind of freak. Merton had done his own share of making sure people thought he was weird, so he couldn't really blame Alistair for taking advantage of it. It wasn't like anyone had made him trade in his entire wardrobe for black clothes and dyed hair.

He heard the doorbell ring but the sound just made him bury his head further into his pillow, closing his eyes against the sound of Becky running down the hall to let one of her friends in. He couldn't believe any of them would actually come over after what had no doubt happened at school, but then again maybe they just wanted to see the freak in his natural habitat. Maybe Becky was selling tickets to catch a glimpse of him stretched out on his bed like a corpse, in which case he should really get up and change his shirt. Letting her make a little cash off his misery was probably the least he could do to make up for ruining her entire high school career.

The front door slammed shut and he registered the sound of two sets of footsteps heading back down the hall, but only one of them kept going past his door. He groaned and pushed himself into a sitting position as his bedroom door swung open, squeezing his eyes shut against the ache in his temples. "Becky, leave me alone. Just shut the door and get out."

"Merton, it's me."

Merton had never thought there would actually be a time when he'd choose to have his sister bothering him over Tommy showing up unexpectedly, but in that moment he really wished it was Becky sticking her nose in where it didn't belong. "What are you doing here?" he asked, forcing his eyes open in time to watch Tommy close the door and take a few steps into the room. "Don't you have basketball practice or something?"

"I bailed," Tommy answered, shrugging out of his jacket and dropping it on the foot of the bed. "I don't think the locker room is the best place for me to be today. Did you really come out in the middle of Calculus yesterday?"

"No. I mean it wasn't in the middle of class." Merton let out a weary sigh and looked down at the floor, wishing his bedroom was messy so he'd at least have something to distract him from the weight of Tommy's gaze on him. "What did you hear?"

"Man, Merton," Tommy said, ignoring the question as he sank onto the mattress next to the other boy. "This is…I mean why? What happened?"

He had no idea how much to tell Tommy; whether he should just start at the beginning, with how it felt every time his former friends looked at him like he was some kind of disease. Knowing Tommy's jealousy streak made him reluctant to bring up Alistair, but he couldn't deny that his history with the blond had been part of the reason he'd slipped and let the truth out. If Alistair had just ignored him or even been civil it would have been easy to keep the truth to himself, or at least no harder than any other time he stopped himself from just telling everyone he was gay. There had been a couple rumors to that affect over the years, but nobody ever seemed to put any stock in them until now. Maybe they just didn't want to deal with the truth, but whatever the reason he couldn't take it back now that it was out.

"I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did," he said. "I didn't even say it, somebody else did. I just didn't deny it."

"Why?"

"Why'd they say it, or why didn't I lie?" A heavy sigh escaped Merton's throat as he glanced over at Tommy, his heart twisting at the panic in the other boy's eyes. He'd known exactly the reaction he'd get from Tommy; no matter how tired he was of hiding the truth, Merton knew once Tommy was faced with the possibility of being found out that he'd panic. That didn't make it any easier to watch, though. "What does it matter, Tommy? They're not talking about you, are they?"

"Not yet, but they will. Everybody already thinks you've got a thing for me, they're saying that's why you spend so much time with Lori. And your sister and her friends have seen me here."

Merton stopped short of rolling his eyes. "It's kind of late to be worrying about that now, isn't it? Look, Tommy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen, but I can't take it back. Even if I tried nobody would believe me."

Tommy took a deep breath, his shoulders falling forward as he rubbed his palms against his thighs nervously. Merton watched the progress of his hands distractedly, his heart pounding against his ears as he waited for Tommy to start blaming him for ruining his life. When the other boy finally did speak it wasn't the accusation Merton had been expecting, but it hurt just as much. "It's just that my dad…if he hears any of this…you don't know what he's like, Merton. Not really."

"I get it," Merton said, struggling to keep his voice even as he forced the words out around the lump in his throat. Getting Tommy killed hadn't been part of his plan, but there was nothing he could do to change the fact that Tommy's father was a sadistic bastard.

"It's not just him. I mean the guys on the team…everybody at school."

As soon as the words escaped Tommy's throat Merton was on his feet, his back to the other boy as he clenched his hands into fists and willed himself to calm down. His head was still pounding and his heart thudded so loud against his eardrums that he could barely hear the sound of his own voice, but he didn't know what else to do. "I already said I was sorry, what do you want from me? You're the one that's been going on and on about how you're sick of lying to everybody. You're the one giving me weird looks at school, didn't you think anybody else was gonna notice? Make up your mind, Tommy, what do you want from me?"

When he forced himself to look up Tommy looked as though he'd been slapped, but Merton steeled himself against the urge to take it all back. He hadn't meant to sound as bitter as he did, but it was all true. It was frustrating to watch Tommy walk the line between who he was and who people expected him to be, and Merton didn't like feeling like somebody's dirty little secret. He'd gotten plenty of that with Alistair, he didn't really need a repeat performance with Tommy.

"I know, I'm sorry," Tommy finally said, his voice softer than Merton had ever heard it, at least when he still had all his clothes on. "Lori's said the same thing, and you're both right. But if my dad finds out he'll kick me out. I'll lose my scholarship and that's it, he might as well kill me."

Part of Merton wanted to shake Tommy for being so dramatic, for acting like his football scholarship was his only shot at any kind of a future. The rest of him had a feeling that Tommy really believed that, though, and he felt some of the anger drain out of him as he watched Tommy sigh. "Look, maybe we should just cut our losses. I'm leaving in a few weeks anyway, and it's safer for you if you just pretend you don't know me."

"No," Tommy said before he even finished talking, standing up and crossing the room to grip Merton's shoulders. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…I don't want to just call it off, Merton. I don't think I can."

He'd been so sure that Tommy would agree that the confession took him completely by surprise, and when he felt Tommy's arms around him he was too stunned to react at first. As soon as he realized what was happening he lifted his own arms to circle Tommy's waist, his cheek pressed to Tommy's shoulder as he inhaled the other boy's scent. "Okay," he murmured into Tommy's shirt, his headache and the day of worrying forgotten as he realized Tommy wasn't breaking up with him. "It'll be okay. We'll just be careful."

He knew it was a lot easier said than done, but as soon as the words escaped his lips Tommy relaxed against him and he knew he'd said the right thing. It didn't matter if he believed it; he'd already done as much damage to his own reputation as he could, his only goal now was to make sure he didn't drag Tommy down with him.

~

Merton's biggest challenge when he finally went back to school was avoiding Tim and Travis as much as possible. He gave the entire football team a wider berth, really, but the twins were his biggest worry. For awhile it seemed like they'd forgotten about him, and he'd been able to walk the halls with a little less trepidation than he had at the beginning of the semester. As soon as word got around school that he really was gay, though, everyone in Tommy's circle of friends was gunning for him.

The ironic thing was that no one had been able to positively determine whether or not Tommy had any idea that Merton had a crush on him. Alistair had made sure the whole school knew that much, and there were a few whispers about a few sightings of Tommy at the Dingle house. They all came from freshmen, though, and everybody knew better than to trust the word of a freshman when it came to the most popular guy in school. So Merton kept a low profile as often as possible, and he kept praying that the other shoe wouldn't drop until after graduation.

At least if he was out of town when Tommy finally decided to come clean it wouldn't be so bad for the other boy. His friends might be able to forgive Tommy being gay, they might even forgive him for masquerading as one of them for so long. What they wouldn't forgive, however, was his choice of boyfriends, even if Merton was the only obvious choice he'd had at the time. The fact that he couldn't exactly come on to any of them wouldn't matter, all that would matter was that he'd gotten involved with somebody that none of them liked or trusted.

Merton had a lot of time to think about the logistics of the situation, because Tommy was still busy with basketball and otherwise trying to appear as normal as possible and refute any rumors that he might be a little more aware of Merton's feelings for him than he pretended to be. He was spending as much time as ever with Lori, and he rarely even glanced in Merton's direction while they were at school. The worst part of all was that Merton really had himself to blame, because if he'd just denied the truth that one time none of this would be happening. In fact Tommy might be at his house on Saturday night instead of out with the team, probably celebrating the victory that would get them into the Finals.

He'd been sitting at his desk since dinner, aimlessly surfing the internet without really paying attention to what he was looking at. The truth was that he couldn't stop thinking about Tommy, wondering what he was doing and who he was doing it with. Some days it felt like they really had called it quits after all; it had only been a few days since Alistair outed him but he'd seen even less of Tommy than he thought possible, and he was pretty sure he could forget Tommy showing up over the weekend.

The whole situation was starting to make him question his own judgement. Ever since Tommy saved him from Tim and Travis and then insinuated himself into his life Merton had been a spectator in their relationship, sitting back and letting Tommy dictate the rules of when they could and couldn't acknowledge one another's existence. At first he hadn't even been sure there was a relationship, and even now that he knew Tommy genuinely liked him he wasn't sure how he felt about it. He knew why he put up with it, but he didn't want to be the kind of guy that would sell out his own self-worth for a pretty face. Not that he thought of Tommy as just a pretty face, because he knew that Tommy was smart and sensitive and a genuinely nice person. Having so much time on his hands gave him way too much time to think about what he'd been doing with the last six months of his life, and so far he wasn't sure he liked the answers he'd come up with.

When the doorbell rang he was so grateful for the interruption that he practically knocked his chair over in his rush to get up, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that was busy trying to convince him that Tommy had managed to get away from the team early. He knew better than to believe that was going to happen, especially not when they were so close to the end of the season. More likely it was one of Becky's friends, all of whom turned bright red and lost the ability to speak whenever they caught sight of him. He was in the mood for a little self-imposed torture, though, so he headed out of his bedroom and down the hall.

As soon as he pulled the door open and saw the look on Tommy's face he knew something was wrong, but he waited until he'd pulled the other boy safely inside and closed the door before he said anything? "Tommy? I thought you had some big post-game thing tonight."

"Cancelled," Tommy muttered, not bothering to take off his jacket before he headed down the hall toward Merton's room. When they were safely inside his room Merton closed the door, frowning as he watched Tommy sink onto his bed and fall back against the pillows. "Not that it matters. The season's over."

"What happened?"

"I blew it, that's what happened," Tommy said, letting out a heavy sigh and staring up at the ceiling. "I've had so much on my mind all week, and I tried not to let it distract me but I blew it anyway. I missed the easiest shot, lost the whole game."

"It's just one game," Merton said under his breath, half hoping Tommy wouldn't hear him. He was no expert on sports, but he had a feeling that was exactly the wrong thing to say.

"You don't get it," Tommy said, pushing himself up on his elbows to look over at Merton. "This was _the_ game. That's it, we're out of the Finals. The season's over and it's my fault."

He was right, Merton didn't get it. He didn't understand how one high school basketball game could be so important to Tommy, never mind the rest of the school. He knew he'd never understand how Tommy's father could judge his sons' worth on how they performed in school sports, just as Tommy would probably never understand what Merton liked so much about Chemistry. It didn't matter that he didn't get it, though; what mattered was that he knew how important the game was to Tommy, and he knew that at least part of the reason they'd lost was because of him.

"They don't really blame you, do they? I mean they can't blame you for losing one game."

"Sure they can," Tommy said, a bitter laugh escaping his throat as he fell back against the pillows again. "I'm the one that blew the shot because I'm too busy thinking about my boyfriend."

Merton winced at the words, thankful Tommy wasn't looking at him so he wouldn't see his reaction. So the team blamed Tommy, and Tommy blamed him. Maybe Tommy was just looking for a way out of their relationship; maybe he'd decided it wasn't worth the risk after all, and he was subconsciously working out a way to end it for good. It was for the best, at least that was what Merton tried to convince himself. The sooner they put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship the easier it would be for Merton to leave and never look back, and Tommy could pick up the pieces of his own life a lot easier without Merton around.

"Oh man, I'm sorry," Tommy said, surprising Merton out of his own brooding as Tommy sat up to look at him. "I'm not blaming you, I mean it's not your fault I couldn't focus long enough to make a lousy two-point shot. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

The relief that flooded Merton's senses was almost painful, but he swallowed against a sudden lump in his throat and tried to smile. "Don't worry about it. I know what you meant."

"My dad's gonna flip when he hears," Tommy said, obviously distracted enough by his own problems to be convinced that Merton wasn't hurt enough to worry about. "He'll kill me."

"I thought he was more interested in your football career than basketball. Does it really matter?"

"It's the State Finals," Tommy answered, as though that should explain everything. "Pleasantville's gone to State every year since Dean was a freshman. I just ended an eight-year streak."

"Oh." He still didn't get what the big deal was, but he was willing to take Tommy's word that his father was going to react badly. The thought of Tommy going home to face his father made his stomach twist, and he finally sat down on the edge of the bed. "If you want to stay here tonight...I mean maybe if you give him a little time to cool down."

Tommy shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "I have to face him sometime," he said. "It'll be better if I don't try to avoid him, he hates that." He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and moved so they were shoulder to shoulder, turning to glance at Merton's profile. "Thanks. For letting me just barge in here like this. I know you don't care about this stuff."

"I care," Merton said, hoping Tommy would be able to hear the _about you_ that he left off the end of the sentence. He couldn't tell if he'd gotten his message across, but Tommy smiled and leaned forward to press their lips together so maybe he did know after all.


	32. Chapter 32

Merton had never really thought of himself as the type to enjoy torture, but there was no other way to explain why he was sitting in the cafeteria enduring the stares of most of the student body. He imagined they thought they were being subtle, or maybe they thought the fact that he was gay meant he was a moron. Or that he just didn't have any feelings. At least none worth considering.

Then again it was possible they weren't thinking at all, which was more likely considering they were so busy whispering loudly enough for him to hear that they didn't really have time to think about what they were saying. So far he'd managed to avoid direct confrontation with anyone, but it got a little harder every day to ignore the way people looked at him. There was so much tension that half the time he wanted to scream, and the rest of the time he wanted to just walk out of the building and never look back. Maybe if he'd come out in a more dramatic way it would have been easier, if he'd really stood up on the table in the cafeteria and announced that he was gay the whispers and looks would have been more blatant.

He almost wished somebody would say something, at least that way he could react instead of pretending he didn't notice the way everyone was looking at him. If it wasn't for Tommy he might have just made some dramatic, embarrassing general announcement just to make everyone as uncomfortable as he was, but he'd already caused Tommy enough problems. Standing up and announcing that the rumors were true would make Tommy's life even more difficult, though, so he kept his mouth shut and pretended he really was fascinated with his Chemistry book.

Every so often he'd steal a glance across the cafeteria, but Tommy hadn't showed up to sit with his friends yet. He hadn't seen Lori for most of the morning either, and he was starting to wonder if something was wrong. He hadn't heard from Tommy since the night he got the basketball team disqualified from the Finals, and the more time passed without catching a glimpse of him the more worried Merton got. He'd already come up with a dozen different scenarios, each one worse than the last. Every one of them started with Tommy's father drunk and furious at his youngest son, and they all ended in some variation of Tommy bloody and practically unrecognizable.

He'd pretty much settled on the one that ended in the emergency room when Tommy finally appeared, moving slowly through the crowded cafeteria. Lori was walking next to him, and as soon as she glanced in Merton's direction he looked back down at his book. They were on the other side of the room so Merton couldn't tell for sure, but it looked as though Tommy's father had spared his face this time. Judging from the way the other boy was moving Merton was pretty sure he'd taken out his frustration on other parts of Tommy, though, and his imagination conjured up an alarming image of the bruises that Tommy was hiding under jeans and a long-sleeved tee shirt.

He couldn't resist stealing another glance at Tommy as he took his usual seat, wincing as he watched him gingerly lower himself onto the bench next to one of his teammates. Most of them barely acknowledged the fact that Tommy had finally made an appearance, and Merton could only assume they were still upset about the basketball game. Before he knew Tommy he'd always assumed that Pleasantville's Golden Boy would be immune to that kind of teenage fickleness; if anything Tommy could do no wrong in the school's eyes, but then again if Merton and Tommy had never gotten to know each other Tommy probably would have won the game.

A heavy sigh escaped Merton's throat as he averted his eyes, glowering at his Chemistry book. He knew if he got caught staring at Tommy it would just make things worse, and even though he didn't care what happened to him he couldn't do that to Tommy. The stiffness in the other boy's movements was partly his fault, at least that was the way Merton saw it. So the least he could do was pretend he wasn't mooning over the star quarterback for the last couple weeks of school.

"You had to know this was coming."

Merton looked up sharply as Alistair sat down across from him, scowling at the other boy's smirk. He could tell Alistair was waiting for him to ask what he was talking about, or maybe even lash out at him for daring to speak to him. It was tempting to ask why Alistair hated him so much, but he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. Instead of responding he looked back down at his book, hoping that if he just ignored him that eventually he'd get bored and go away.

Or not.

"I really thought you were smarter than that, Merton. I mean come on, the quarterback? I'll give you points for style, but isn't it a little cliché? Well, I guess you'd see the charm in a good cliché, considering the fashion choices you make. Still, you had to know he'd run right back to his little friends and forget you ever existed the second someone got too close to the truth."

"Aren't you worried what people are going to say about you when they see you talking to me?" Merton asked, raising his eyebrows in a silent challenge as he finally gave up and looked at the other boy. "I mean that's why you've been avoiding me for three years, isn't it?"

Alistair's expression faltered briefly, but before Merton had a chance to react he caught himself and narrowed his eyes. "Sometimes people just outgrow each other, Merton. Don't flatter yourself. Anyway, if you'd stuck with your own kind you wouldn't be in this mess right now."

"My own kind?" A bitter laugh escaped Merton's throat as he stared back at the other boy, forgetting to be uncomfortable long enough for his curiosity to get the best of him. "That's dramatic even for you."

"All I'm saying is you should have known better. Of course he was going to drop you the second word got around. Really you should be thanking me, I did you a favor. It was going to happen eventually, so the sooner you knew the better."

Merton was suddenly aware of the fact that they were surrounded by a cafeteria full of other students, and if anyone heard Alistair calming talking about Tommy and Merton's relationship it would all be over. So far the rumors about Tommy had centered on speculation about what everyone assumed was Merton's one-sided crush, but if anyone overheard Alistair that would all change.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Merton hissed, glancing around nervously to make sure no one was within earshot. "You don't know anything about me, and you sure as hell don't know anything about him."

"Fine," Alistair said, his expression infuriatingly calm as he stood up and leaned over the table. "I'm just saying you should watch your back. Not everybody's as understanding as me."

Any lingering guilt Merton felt about outing Alistair dissipated as he watched the other boy walk away. He was so smug about it, as though Merton was some pathetic puppy and he'd taken pity on him long enough to warn him that he was going to get hurt. The truth was that if Alistair had kept his mouth shut none of this would be happening, but the worst part was that he was partly right. Merton knew better than to think everything was just going to fade back to normal once the initial buzz died down; he knew he was going to have to look over his shoulder a lot more until graduation finally rolled around.

Then there was the Tommy situation, which Alistair didn't know everything about but he'd hit a little too close to the mark for Merton's comfort. Sure, Tommy claimed that he didn't want to break up, and he claimed to want to keep in touch with Merton even after he left for school. He knew how quickly all of that could change, though. Even though it had only been a few days since Tommy showed up at his house he could tell things had changed, starting with the fact that Tommy hadn't even looked at him since he walked into the cafeteria. Even on Friday night when they'd been alone Tommy had been distracted, and even though Merton knew it was because of the game it was hard not to take it personally.

Having Alistair act like he was some naïve kid made him want to lash out, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take before he finally lost it. He could just imagine Alistair rationalizing their brief involvement by telling himself he was just taking pity on Merton, helping out a friend that was confused and needed a little shove in the right direction. It was exactly the kind of lie Alistair would think up to convince himself that he wasn't gay, that it was just an experiment and that part of his life was behind him now.

Merton's real problem was that he didn't want to put it behind him. He knew who he was and what he wanted, and even though he still had some things to figure out he wasn't ashamed. Tommy was closer to accepting who he was than Alistair was, but he was still trying to convince himself that he could keep it to himself. It was obvious that walking the line between being out and pretending he was straight was wearing on him, but he wasn't ready to take that last step and Merton was the one paying for it.

He ventured another glance across the cafeteria, frowning when he realized Tommy was looking right at him. For a second he wondered if he'd been wrong about Tommy being ready to face the truth, but as soon as he registered the dark look in the other boy's eyes he realized what had made Tommy forget himself long enough to stare. Maybe under other circumstances he would have been flattered by the jealous look, but knowing that was the only reason Tommy was risking looking in his direction just made his stomach turn. He stood up abruptly, shoving books into his backpack with a little more force than necessary before he turned and walked out of the cafeteria.

~

After his run-in with Alistair Merton wanted more than ever to just walk out of school and never look back, but he knew he couldn't. For one thing there was no way his parents were going to just let him drop out a few weeks before graduation, and even if he left school it wouldn't solve anything. He wouldn't have to see the stares and whispers, but he knew people would still be talking about him. Only instead of whispering about whether or not he really had a crush on the most popular guy in school they'd be talking about what a coward he was for running away.

The fact that he really wanted to do just that made him feel even worse; he'd never thought of himself as the type to run from his problems before, but he'd never had a problem quite like this one. Trying to do the right thing and keep Tommy out of it was harder than he'd even imagined, not that Tommy was helping. He was sure Tommy didn't even think about what he was doing in the cafeteria, he'd just reacted to seeing Merton talking to his ex-boyfriend. The fact that practically everyone in school was in the room to witness it probably hadn't even dawned on him.

Merton had alternated between brooding about Tommy and worrying that someone might have seen his expression in the cafeteria through most of his afternoon classes. Finally he'd gotten so restless that he stood up in the middle of Chemistry and mumbled something about needing to use the restroom, then he'd walked out of class without waiting for permission. He knew Mr. Clark wouldn't hold it against him, and anyway the teachers had probably heard the gossip by now. So he didn't worry about detention as he made his way down the hall, his shoulders hunched forward and his gaze fixed on the linoleum under his feet.

He was so lost in thought that he almost didn't see Tommy, but he caught movement out of the corner of his eye and looked up just in time to see the other boy walking toward him. As soon as their eyes met Tommy tensed, and Merton's heart fell as he watched Tommy hesitate. He was tempted to turn around and head in the other direction, but before he made up his mind Tommy started moving forward again.

"Hey," Tommy said as he stopped in front of Merton, his hands in his pockets as he looked down the hall over Merton's shoulder.

"Hi."

Tommy flinched and looked back at the sound of Merton's voice, a sigh escaping his throat when their eyes met again. "What was that before…when you were talking to that guy?"

"You really want to talk about that here?" Merton asked, glancing down the deserted hallway. The chances of someone coming out of one of the nearby classrooms and finding them together were high, and as much as he hated to remind Tommy of it Merton knew even saying hello was a risk.

"Guess not."

Merton's eyebrows shot up at Tommy's tone, but he told himself he was imagining the accusation. Tommy was probably just nervous about somebody seeing them together; it was pretty obvious he hadn't expected to run into Merton and he probably didn't even want to stop long enough to say hi.

"Are you okay?" he asked, lowering his voice even more as he looked Tommy over for any visible signs of new bruises. "You're moving kind of slow."

"I'm okay," Tommy said, the weariness in his voice telling Merton more than his words did. It was pretty obvious Tommy wasn't anywhere near okay, but as much as he wanted to he couldn't do anything about it. He probably couldn't even touch him even if they were alone, not without causing him more pain.

He wasn't sure how things had gotten so awkward between them, but suddenly he felt more tongue-tied than he had that first day Tommy showed up at his house. The fact that they were standing in a hallway at school had a lot to do with it, but judging by Tommy's body language he wondered if there was more to it than that. Three days ago everything had been okay between them, but a lot could happen in three days.

"Yeah, so I should get back to class."

Tommy nodded and glanced over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone before turning back to Merton. "Look, Merton, I…" He reached out as he spoke and for a second his fingers just brushed the edge of Merton's sleeve, but the sound of footsteps interrupted the moment and he yanked his hand back as though he'd been burned. The misery in his expression was clear as he backed away, but knowing how guilty Tommy felt didn't make Merton feel any less like the floor had just dropped out from under him.

He watched Tommy walk away for a few seconds before he turned and headed back to his own classroom, his original reason for leaving class forgotten. He barely glanced up as he passed the junior that had interrupted them, not quite meeting the eyes of the girl he recognized but didn't know. From her sudden interest in the wall next to her it was obvious she knew exactly who he was, though, and he could only hope she hadn't seen him staring after Tommy.

~

He didn't know when he'd watched Tommy walk away that afternoon how much had changed between them in one day. They'd barely spoken to each other and still somehow everything between them was different after those few minutes in the hall. Merton had a feeling it had a lot to do with the fact that everyone at school was talking about the exchange as though he and Tommy had been caught making out in the janitor's closet instead of exchanging a few awkward words. It was fascinating in a morbid way that the whole school could get from a junior spotting Tommy walking away from Merton to some kind of illicit exchange, but Merton was too busy wondering how things had changed so quickly to worry about what everyone at school thought.

It hurt at first to think that Tommy was really bothered by the fact that he'd been talking to Alistair, but he hadn't defended himself when Tommy brought it up because it wasn't the kind of thing they could talk about in school. Not that there was much they could talk about in school, and after that day Tommy couldn't even look at Merton without a new rumor starting. Suddenly reports from a bunch of freshman girls about Tommy's visits to Merton's house were more believable than they'd been a week ago, and no matter how much time Tommy and Lori spent together it wasn't going away.

He'd always known that people wanted to believe the worst about any situation, but he'd never known how quickly the entire student body could turn on the guy they'd spent four years building up as some kind of idol. Tommy was the closest thing Pleasantville had to a celebrity, but now that he was associated with Merton nobody talked about anything else. Merton didn't expect Tommy to admit to any of it, he knew Tommy wasn't ready for that.

The hard part wasn't so much that Tommy was denying the rumors, or even that he was avoiding Merton at school. No, the worst part was that Tommy had said he didn't want to break up, but Merton hadn't seen or talked to him since that afternoon in the hallway. He couldn't exactly go over to Tommy's house and ask him what was going on, and he couldn't bring himself to call Lori and find out if she knew anything. He'd even stopped showing up for her tutoring sessions, telling himself it was the end of the year anyway and the best thing he could do was stay away from both of them. They'd both known it was going to end eventually, but there was no way Merton could have known how much it would hurt when it did. It was a thousand times worse than when Alistair decided he didn't want to be friends anymore, and seeing Tommy at school was so painful that sometimes he felt like he couldn't breathe.

More than once he'd thought about throwing caution to the wind and stopping Tommy in the hallway, demanding to know what he thought he was doing. The problem with that was that he already knew the answer; Tommy was saving himself, keeping his distance so the rumors would die down and he could go back to what passed for normal in his world. He was holding onto his football scholarship and his father's approval the only way he knew how, and if that meant cutting Merton out of his life he'd do it.

Merton hadn't shed a single tear over their relationship, not even when Lori called and he made his mother lie and say he wasn't home. He wasn't surprised she hadn't tried cornering him at school, although her sudden respect for discretion came a little late as far as he was concerned. He didn't spend a lot of time blaming her or even Alistair for the way things ended, though, because there was really no other way it could have turned out.

Maybe it didn't have to be as dramatic as the increasingly more inventive rumors he kept overhearing about his clandestine affair with the star of the football team, but it still would have ended badly. Even if no one at school had found out and he and Tommy had tried to keep in touch over the summer, eventually one of them would have moved on and he had a feeling it wouldn't have been him. So either way he'd have gotten his heart broken, but at least if it had happened later Tommy wouldn't have to suffer along with him.

He hated himself just a little more for caring how Tommy was dealing with the situation, but after a week of silence he still couldn't shake the guilt. It wasn't like he'd set out to ruin Tommy's life, but that was what happened and he felt at least partially responsible. He probably would have felt better if Tommy had blamed him, if they'd had a dramatic screaming match that signaled a sure end of their relationship. Instead they just stopped talking at all, and Merton was left wondering if things were over or if Tommy was just being extra cautious.

For awhile he even held onto the hope that Tommy would show up one night, maybe knock on his window again and tell Merton how sorry he was that he hadn't been able to get away sooner. After a week he gave up hoping, though, and when the talk around school turned to graduation he resigned himself to the fact that they weren't going to work it out after all. So that was it, a few awkward sentences and Tommy Dawkins was out of his life. He told himself it was for the best, and even if it didn't seem that way now he'd look back one day and believe it.


	33. Chapter 33

There was something about high school assemblies that Merton had always found unsettling. Maybe it was the thought of all those teenagers packed onto a few rickety rows of bleachers, moving around and buzzing like the mob scene at the end of _Night of the Living Dead_. There was just something about the way they all got so excited by the sight of a few cheerleaders or the football team that made Merton wonder. Of course he could understand getting excited about seeing certain members of the football team, but he was pretty sure his reasons were a lot different than the rest of the senior class.

The end of the year assembly wasn't really about cheerleaders and a bunch of jocks shouting about school spirit, but Merton wasn't in the mood to listen to any weepy, sentimental speeches about how much the seniors would be missed next year. He knew he wasn't included in that, most of his classmates would only remember him long enough to say 'I went to school with this one guy' whenever the subject of homosexuality came up. He wasn't interested in being a footnote in their high school careers, in fact he'd be a lot happier if they'd all forget he ever existed and move on with their lives.

He followed the crowd of students drifting toward the gym, hanging back while they disappeared through the double doors and left him to the relative peace of the empty hallway. As soon as they were gone he leaned against the wall, letting his eyes fall closed as he listened to the sounds of muted voices floating out of the gym. No one would notice if he didn't go in and take a seat on the already overcrowded bleachers; they wouldn't miss him if he just turned around and walked out to the hearse. It was last period anyway, so if he left a little early it wasn't going to matter to anyone. He wasn't part of the noisy, cheerful crowd gathered in the gym, and he knew as well as they did that he never would be.

The sound of shoes squeaking against linoleum reminded him that he was still leaning against the wall outside the gym, and he forced his eyes open and straightened up just in time to watch Tommy turn the corner. As soon as their eyes met Tommy stopped short, Merton's own shock reflected in Tommy's face as he pushed himself off the wall. He swallowed against the lump that rose in his throat and squared his shoulders, intent on walking right past Tommy and out the door to the safety of his car. As he got close enough to Tommy to reach out and touch him he held his breath, part of him hoping Tommy would stop him and the rest of him praying fervently that he'd just let Merton walk away.

He was almost in the clear, his heart pounding too hard in his chest as he realized Tommy wasn't going to stop him, when he felt a hand close around his arm. "Wait."

The single word made Merton's stomach lurch, and he stopped without turning to look at the other boy. "Let go, Tommy."

"Just…wait a second," Tommy said, but he loosened his grip and let Merton pull away to a safe distance. "Where are you going?"

Merton let out a harsh laugh, turning in time to watch Tommy flinch and look down at the floor. "What does it matter? I don't belong in there, you do. We've always known that."

He swallowed the surge of guilt that came along with purposely trying to hurt Tommy, ignoring the fact that it hadn't felt nearly as good to see Tommy wince as he thought it would. They both knew it was the truth anyway, even if Tommy didn't want to face it. He still belonged in there with all the normal kids, at least as long as he pretended he didn't know Merton. If he'd stopped to think about it he would have let Merton walk by and forgotten that their paths had even crossed.

"Look, Merton…" Tommy paused and glanced up, then his shoulders fell again as though he wasn't sure anymore if it was worth the effort to say whatever he'd been about to say. "I know it's been awhile, things just got really weird and then…"

"Two weeks, Tommy," Merton interrupted, his voice rising with his desperation not to hear Tommy make excuses that involved the words 'school' or 'my dad'. "It's been two weeks."

"I know."

Merton looked up when Tommy's voice cracked, his heart skipping a beat at the misery etched in the other boy's features. He looked like he hadn't been sleeping much, and Merton guessed Tommy was as sick of all the attention as he was. He wanted to hate Tommy, he wanted to blame him for everything and just forget all the good things about him. More than anything he wanted to take him home and hold him while he slept, though. He hated himself for that more than he could ever hate Tommy.

"It doesn't matter," Merton said, as much to convince himself as Tommy. His voice sounded harsher than he'd intended, but he was struggling to keep from choking on his own words. "Just forget it. Go inside, they're probably waiting for you."

"I can't just forget it," he said, taking a step closer to Merton. For a split second Merton thought Tommy might actually touch him, but at the last minute he seemed to change his mind.

"Do you even have a phone in your house?" Merton asked, a grim smile turning up the corners of his mouth when Tommy frowned at him. "I mean I've always wondered, because if you had a phone you could have just called and told me you changed your mind, right? If it was too much trouble to come over and do it in person…"

"We have a phone," Tommy interrupted, his jaw clenching as he looked away again. Merton felt a flash of triumph at getting exactly the reaction he'd been looking for, but a moment later it was gone and he was left with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "You know what my dad's like."

"I know what you've told me."

For one terrifying moment Tommy's eyes narrowed, and Merton was sure he'd pushed too hard. He knew how bitter he sounded and he didn't want Tommy's last impression of him to be like this, but he couldn't stop himself from saying all the things he'd been thinking over the past two weeks. He'd had too much time to think, too much time to wonder if he'd ever meant anything to Tommy at all.

"So you don't believe me now, is that it?" Tommy's voice was even quieter than it had been a moment ago, but the anger drained out of him almost instantly and suddenly he looked even more tired and defeated than before. "You're right, Merton. Why should you believe me?"

As soon as he said it he'd regretted it, and looking at Tommy now he wanted to take it back. He wanted to tell him that he did believe him, that he loved him and two weeks of silence couldn't change that. He'd been where Tommy was, questioning everything and wondering if the world would come crashing down around him when he finally said the words "I'm gay" out loud for the first time. Two weeks with no idea of what Tommy was thinking had given him too much time to feel like a victim, though, and he wasn't willing to sacrifice any more of his pride than he already had.

"It doesn't matter anymore," he finally answered, startling himself with the conviction in his own voice. "School's over in a week, we both knew this was coming."

"So that's it?"

Merton would have laughed at the mixture of hurt and disbelief in Tommy's eyes if he wasn't too busy trying not to cry. The fact that Tommy thought they could salvage anything now was just another sign that they were worlds apart. "What else do you want me to say, Tommy? Do you want to hear that I didn't want it to be this way? Because I don't remember having a choice in any of this. You're the one that said you didn't want to walk away when all this started, but as soon as it got too hard that was it. That's what happened, isn't it?"

"I just…" Tommy let out a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair, Merton's heart skipping a beat as he watched the progress of the other boy's fingers and remembered how they felt on his skin. He'd never expected Tommy to look so worn down, like the weight of all his problems was finally too much for him. "I didn't expect it to be so hard. The things people are saying…the way the guys look at me…"

"The things people are saying are true," Merton said, his voice so soft he wasn't even sure Tommy heard him. Maybe the kids at school hadn't gotten any of the details right, but they were close enough that it didn't matter. The main point was that he and Tommy were supposed to be together, and as soon as the truth got out Tommy was ashamed of them. It felt way too much like what he went through freshman year, when his friends suddenly wouldn't look at him anymore and he used his new Goth image to push them away even more so he wouldn't have to deal with the real reason for the rejection.

"I know, I just don't think I can deal with it right now. Not with graduation and college and my dad breathing down my neck about my scholarship. I thought I could, but…"

As soon as the words escaped Tommy's lips Merton starting backing away, swallowing hard against a sudden tightness in his throat. He wasn't going to stand there and listen to Tommy make more excuses, even if part of him felt like a jerk for not being more understanding. He'd been understanding for six months, though, and where had it gotten him? Tommy was asking way too much of him, especially after two weeks without even a word. Too much had happened and too much time had passed, and the only thing Merton really wanted to do was leave Pleasantville behind him and forget any of this ever happened. He knew there were things he'd never be able to forget, but that didn't mean he couldn't try.

He might have made a clean break; Tommy might have let him walk away without another word, but he collided with something solid and warm and before he knew it his arms were being squeezed painfully.

"Well if it isn't the little fag and his boyfriend," Travis sneered, squeezing Merton's arms again for emphasis.

"Let him go, Travis," Tommy said, his eyes widening just enough to let Merton know that he was actually a little afraid of what they might do. Not that Merton wasn't already nervous, but seeing Tommy afraid of something didn't make him feel any better.

"Oh, sorry, Dawkins. You want us to give you two a little privacy?" Tim asked, stepping between Tommy and Merton and crossing thick arms over his chest. "I knew there was something weird about you. I always said Dawkins was a weird guy, didn't I, Travis?"

"Weird," Travis echoed, and Merton didn't bother to check the urge to roll his eyes.

Tommy shook his head but didn't back away from Tim, his fingers curling and uncurling at his sides. "Just leave him alone, guys. Go inside, everybody's waiting for us."

"Nobody's waiting for you," Tim said, taking another step forward. It was hard for Merton to see Tommy's face around Tim's back, but they were almost nose to nose and he knew they weren't getting out of this without a fight. "You think anybody wants you around now, Dawkins? You and your freak boyfriend should have cleared out while you had the chance."

"I said back off," Tommy hissed, his hands flat against Tim's chest as he shoved him backwards.

"Whoa, Travis, I think Dawkins here is trying to cop a feel right in front of his boyfriend," Tim said, glancing over his shoulder to grin at his brother. "What's the little freak gonna say, Tommy-boy? Unless you two are into that. That it? You looking for somebody to show you how to be a real man?"

Fear shot through Merton, setting his nerves on edge and making him struggle uselessly in Travis' grip. Being pounded to within an inch of his life he could deal with, he'd been there before and one more beating before he left high school behind him was preferable to some of the other things Tim and Travis could do to them. He'd expected his luck to run out eventually, but the thought of either of them touching him…touching Tommy…his stomach turned and he swallowed the bile that rose in his throat.

Tim was a lot bigger than Tommy, but Tommy had the advantage of speed and he easily avoided the larger boy's attempt to grab him. Before Tim caught his balance and reached for him again Tommy's fist connected with his jaw, and Travis let go of Merton and lurched toward Tommy.

"Merton, get out of here," Tommy said, sparing a cursory glance at Merton as he stepped back out of Travis' reach. "Go."

He might not have been any use to Tommy in a fight, but Merton wasn't cowardly enough to save his own skin and leave Tommy at the mercy of Tim and Travis. There was no way he could take on both of them by himself, and the thought of what they might do to him if he made them mad enough made Merton's stomach turn again. He glanced toward the gym, the muted noise of the crowd penetrating his consciousness for the first time since he spotted Tommy walking toward him.

His brain screamed at him to go find a teacher, someone that could put a stop to the scene in front of him. He was vaguely aware of his feet moving in the direction of the gym, then a jostling stopped him in his tracks as someone rushed past him.

"What the fuck?" Two more members of the football team ran past Merton as Chad stepped in between Tim and Tommy, his hands on Tim's arms to try to hold him back. "Tim, calm the fuck down. What the hell are you doing?"

"Get the fuck off me," Tim snarled, his gaze still locked on Tommy as he struggled against Chad.

Tommy's chest was rising and falling heavily, and Merton realized that one of the twins had gotten at least one shot in as he watched Tommy reach up to rub his jaw. One of the other guys was holding onto Travis, all three of them alternating between staring at Tommy and casting nervous glances in Merton's direction. "What the fuck is going on? We're supposed to be at the assembly, Coach is about to give his speech."

"Nothing's going on," Tommy said, squaring his shoulders as he stared back at Tim. "Just a little misunderstanding."

"Fuck you, Dawkins," Tim shot back, struggling against Chad's grip in a vain effort to get to Tommy again. "You and your freaky little friend, it's fucking sick."

All eyes turned to look at Merton except Tommy's, and Merton's brain finally kicked in long enough to realize that they could all turn on him any time. Protecting Tommy was one thing, he was still more or less one of them. Chad and the others didn't care about Merton, though, and they might just decide letting Tim and Travis kill him was a decent compromise. He thought about making a break for it, but his legs felt rooted in place.

"Dawkins, what's he doing here?" Chad asked, turning his attention to Tommy. It almost felt like watching a movie instead of his life, like Merton wasn't really standing there listening to them talk about him like he wasn't even human. He wanted to move, he wanted to run far and fast and never look back until he was far enough away that none of them would ever find him. He couldn't, though; all he could do was stand there and wait for Tommy's answer.

It felt like time ground to a halt while they all waited for Tommy to say something, but it was only a few seconds before Tommy squared his shoulders and set his jaw in a grim, determined line. "How the fuck should I know? He was just standing there."

He didn't look at Merton as he turned away from his friends and headed for the gym, his body tensing almost imperceptibly as he brushed past Merton and disappeared. Merton was still frozen in place, his heart thudding in his chest as the other guys shoved Tim and Travis past him. A few seconds later he was standing in an empty hallway again, the dull ache in his arms from where Travis had squeezed too hard the only proof he had that any of it had happened.


	34. Chapter 34

"Do we have any boxes?" Merton kept his expression as neutral as possible when his parents looked up in unison, twin expressions of surprise on their faces.

"I think there are some in the garage. What do you need boxes for?"

"I'm leaving for Johns Hopkins in less than a week, I figured I better start packing the stuff I need you guys to send when I get to Amherst," Merton answered, avoiding both their gazes as he reached into the fridge for a soda. Neither of them had said a word to him about Tommy in days, and he was thankful that they'd figured out he didn't want to talk about it. After he came home from his confrontation with Tommy and locked himself in his room for twenty-four hours they'd forced part of the truth out of him, and after hearing about the threats and Tim and Travis' continued aggression they'd agreed that he didn't need to go back to school for his final week of classes.

He assumed the principal and his teachers had agreed to let him take his finals early just to get him out of the school that much sooner, hoping that once he was gone things would settle down and they could have a normal end to the school year. So he'd handed in the term papers he'd had done for almost a month and taken his finals on a Monday in the principal's office, then he'd waited while his father cleaned out his locker and left Pleasantville High behind without talking to any of his classmates.

"Shouldn't you be focusing on graduation right now, son?" his father asked, setting down the Sports section to focus his attention on Merton. "There's plenty of time for packing after that."

"I'm not going to graduation," Merton answered, his head still buried in the fridge as he stared blankly at the shelves full of food. "They can send me my diploma."

His parents exchanged a glance that he felt more than saw, but he ignored it and finally reached for an apple he didn't want. It gave him something to do with his hands, though, and he'd heard them whispering the night before about how he wasn't eating enough. The truth was he didn't feel like eating or sleeping or doing much of anything, but if it made them feel a little better he'd take the apple to his room and pretend he'd eaten it.

"I thought you'd decided against Johns Hopkins," his mother said, her fingers curling and uncurling on the wooden surface of the kitchen table. He could tell she was dying to get up out of her chair and lay a hand on his forehead, but even if she gave in to the temptation she wouldn't find anything wrong with him. He wasn't sick, he wasn't anything really. He wouldn't let himself think about Tommy or feel anything other than an almost frantic urgency to get as far away from home as possible.

"Changed my mind," he answered, picking up his Coke and the apple and inching toward the door to the kitchen. "It's a great opportunity, no sense throwing it away. Besides, there's nothing to hang around here for."

He winced as soon as the words escaped his mouth, partly because he didn't want to hurt his parents and partly because he didn't want to give them an opening to bring up Tommy. If his parents caught the hint of bitterness behind his words they let it go, however, both of them nodding and turning back to their paper. "Glad to hear it, son. I'll see if I can find you those boxes as soon as I'm done with my coffee."

"Thanks," he mumbled, pushing the door open and making his escape before either of them had a chance to think of any more questions. Once he was back in the relative privacy of his own room he sighed and closed the door, leaning against it as he surveyed the mess that used to be his bedroom. There were piles of clothes on every available surface, books scattered over the bed and the floor, and his desk was beyond help. The truth was he had no idea how to even start packing what he'd need in three months, but the manic attempts at organization had kept his mind from wandering to the past six months.

Every time the thought of Tommy crept up on him it was accompanied by an aching, hollow feeling in his chest, and he was sure he was going to have a heart attack before he ever made it to Johns Hopkins. So he thought about everything but Tommy and the last few months of his life, and when he ran out of safe subjects he resorted to reciting poetry or the periodic table or whatever he could think of just to keep his mind blank. His current project was cataloguing his books by subject and title, after which he'd decide which ones he had to bring to school and which titles he could live without.

He'd managed to keep his mind off anything related to Tommy or Pleasantville High for a full ten minutes when he heard the doorbell ring, his heart lurching at the sound. He squeezed his eyes shut tight against the vain hope that had accompanied that sound for way too long, listening against his better judgement as one of his parents walked down the hall and pulled the door open. He could hear muffled voices but he told himself it didn't matter that he couldn't tell who it was. It wasn't Tommy, that much was a given and there was no one else that would show up to talk to him.

Not that he wanted to see Tommy, because he didn't. They'd said what they needed to say in the hallway that day at school, and he was getting on with his life now. A knock sounded on his door as he reminded himself of all the reasons he didn't want to see Tommy, and he swallowed another surge of hope as the door swung open.

"Company for you, Merton," his father said, glancing around the room as he stuck his head in the door. He raised his eyebrows at the piles of clothes and books littering the bed and the floor, clearing his throat before he looked at Merton again. "I'll go get you those boxes."

"Thanks," Merton answered distractedly, looking past his father at his unexpected guest. He waited until his father smiled and stood aside to let Lori into his room, steeling himself against the rush of nerves that shot through him when their eyes met.

"What are you doing here?" he asked when she'd shut the door behind her.

She ignored him while she looked around the room, raising her eyebrows at the mess the same way his father had. "This place is a wreck, Merton."

"Yeah, well, I'm packing," he said, turning his back to her and reaching for a stack of books. "What do you want?"

"For starters I'd like to know why you blew me off and didn't return any of my phone calls."

He winced at the accusation in her voice and turned slowly, not quite meeting her gaze. "It seemed like a good idea to put some distance between me and…well, both of you. After what happened."

"You always did worry way too much what those idiots at school think. Both of you," she said as she picked her way across the room and shoved a pile of clothes over so she could sit on the edge of the bed.

Merton's features twisted into a dark scowl as he watched her progress across the room, forgetting his organization project long enough to turn and look at her. "You think I care what they think of me?"

"Yeah, I do," she answered quietly, crossing her arms over her chest as she held his gaze. "Come on, Merton, you tiptoe around school like you're afraid somebody might notice you. You practically apologize for breathing whenever somebody looks at you wrong, and ever since you and Tommy got together you've been terrified somebody might catch on."

"That was because of him. He was the one that wanted to keep it a secret. He's the one that told his friends that I was nobody."

She winced sympathetically, letting him know that Tommy had filled her in on the scene in the hallway. The last thing he wanted was her sympathy or anybody else's, but he wasn't going to sit there and let her call him a coward. Maybe he hadn't been completely up front with everybody at school, but it was none of their business. Besides, none of them wanted to be reminded that he was alive, there was nothing he could do about that.

"I know he screwed up," she said. "He knows it too, believe me. He's a wreck, Merton. I've never seen him like this, he's a mess and I'm not sure what's gonna happen to him after school ends."

"He'll go back to his life and forget all about me," Merton answered, struggling to keep his voice neutral. "I'm sure it won't take him long."

"You're wrong," she said, the sadness in her voice surprising him into looking up again. "What's he got to go back to? You're leaving, I'm leaving…he's got football and his psycho father. Not much of a life."

"You're leaving? Where are you going?"

"I got accepted to Wellesley a few months ago," she said, a mirthless grin turning up the corners of her mouth. "We'll practically be neighbors."

Merton shook his head as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact that Lori was planning to attend a college just a few miles away from his. "Why didn't you tell me when you got accepted?"

"Because I was still hoping you'd blow off Amherst and stay here. What can I say, I'm a romantic. I thought you'd fall in love with Tommy and enroll at State so you could be together."

The thought had crossed his mind more than once in the past six months, but he wasn't about to admit that to her. Even if he had turned down his acceptance to Amherst it wouldn't have worked between him and Tommy; there was too much stacked against them from the beginning. "Tommy's not interested in that kind of commitment."

"You really don't know him at all, do you?" She let out a soft laugh and shook her head at his dark expression. "Come on, you two spent six months together, didn't you ever talk?"

"We talked," he shot back defensively. The truth was they hadn't talked a lot, and when they did the subject of the future didn't come up much. He wasn't about to admit that to her, though, especially not now that it didn't matter anymore. "What does it matter? It's over."

"So that's it? He makes one mistake – okay, it was a huge mistake, but still, he screws up once and you're just gonna walk away?"

Merton sighed and looked down at the books he'd spread out on the floor, suddenly wondering why he'd been bothering to organize them. He didn't want any of this stuff at school to remind him of his life in Pleasantville, but he couldn't just go empty-handed, could he? "I didn't walk away," he finally said. "He walked away. He said he couldn't handle it, and then he walked away. So yeah, that's it."

For a long time neither of them said anything, and Merton wondered how she'd take it if he just asked her to leave. It wasn't that he didn't like her, but the only reason she'd come over was to talk about Tommy and he wasn't interested in hearing about how bad Tommy felt. Before he worked up the nerve to tell her he needed to get back to packing she stood up, letting out a heavy sigh as she looked down at him. "Just think about what I said, okay? I know Tommy messed up but he's really sorry."

"Sure. I'll think about it," Merton said, standing up to pull open the door and lead her out of his room. "Thanks for coming over, I'm sorry about tutoring and everything."

"Don't worry about it." She turned when they reached the front door and smiled sadly. "When are you leaving?"

"Next week," he answered, hoping that was vague enough that she wouldn't orchestrate some sort of last-minute intervention between him and Tommy.

"So I'll see you at graduation," she said, pulling the door open and stepping outside without waiting for an answer. He mumbled something like 'see you around' and closed the door, letting out a deep breath and telling himself he hadn't lied to her. She'd just assumed he was going to graduation, he hadn't said he'd see her there. He pushed himself off the door and headed back to his room, his heart falling at the sight of the mess he'd made. After Lori's visit he was pretty sure not even a full inventory of his entire room would be enough to keep his mind off Tommy.

He reclaimed his seat on the floor anyway, picking up the books he'd been sorting and half-heartedly glancing at the titles. There was no choice but to finish what he'd started, if for no other reason than because he couldn't leave his room looking like a war zone. Packing for the summer should have been easy, but he didn't want to have to come home after Johns Hopkins and that meant packing for college before he left for the summer. He was halfway through the stack of books when he heard the door to the bathroom open, and he looked up to find his sister chewing on her lip and looking everywhere but at him.

"Are you lost?" Merton snapped, although he couldn't quite work up the sarcasm he usually reserved for her.

"Is it true?" she asked, casting a furtive glance in his direction before she turned her attention back to the floor.

"Is what true?"

"What they're saying about you at school…you know." She pushed herself off the door frame and crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself as she finally turned to face him. "I heard you, you know. That day he came over, when you tried to break up with him."

Her face was the brightest shade of red he'd ever seen, and he would have said something sarcastic about her complexion if he wasn't too busy blushing at the fact that she'd overheard them. "Sorry about that. I guess I forgot you were home."

She shook her head and looked away, clearing her throat and twisting a strand of hair around her finger in a nervous gesture he hadn't seen her perform since she was in grade school. "It's okay," she finally said, her voice barely a whisper. "I mean I guess I should have figured it out. Look, I just wanted to say sorry. About telling my friends…you know. That Tommy was coming over."

"It's okay, Becky. It doesn't matter." It didn't, really; the truth would have come out anyway, whether Becky's friends had seen Tommy at their house or not. Still, it meant a lot to him that she was actually apologizing, even if she couldn't quite look at him. "Look, I'm sorry too."

"For what?" she asked, curiosity finally forcing her to meet his gaze.

"Because I get to leave and you're still stuck here," he said, standing up and crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not going to just go away when I leave, people are still going to talk about it. You should just keep hating me, it'll be better for you that way. Maybe they'll feel sorry for you, being stuck with me for a brother."

A short, choked sound that he thought might be a laugh escaped her throat, then she blushed again and looked away. "I don't care what anybody says. Okay, maybe I did," she added when she glanced at him and saw his expression, "but I don't now. I mean the stuff they've been saying…"

"A lot of that's not true," he interrupted, his cheeks burning at the thought of some of the rumors his little sister must have heard.

"No offense, but I don't want to know."

He laughed at her flustered expression, laughing even harder when she rolled her eyes at him. "Okay, I can take a hint." His smile faded and he let out a soft sigh, reaching up to rub the back of his neck with one hand. "Thanks, Becky. For…you know."

"Yeah." She cleared her throat again and glanced over his shoulder, an embarrassed grin turning up the corners of her mouth as she focused on the open bedroom door. "Hi, Dad."

Merton followed her gaze to find their father leaning against the doorframe, a bemused expression lighting up his features. "Sorry to interrupt, but your mom and I were thinking if you two haven't got better offers for tonight we could order pizza and rent some movies. Have a family night, we haven't done that in ages."

An hour ago the idea of spending the entire evening bonding with his family would have made Merton wish for a natural disaster to hit their house, but somehow after talking to his sister it didn't seem so painful. He turned and raised an eyebrow at Becky, expecting her to announce that she had plans with one of her legions of friends. To his surprise she smiled at their father and announced that she didn't have anything better to do.

"Sure, Dad," Merton added. "I'm just packing anyway."

"Great, it's a date," their father said, practically beaming at the two of them for a long moment before he pushed himself off the doorframe. "Merton, I've got some boxes out in the garage, come take a look and tell me which ones you want."

He started to follow his father out of his room, but as soon as he remembered Becky he turned and glanced over his shoulder. She was already disappearing back into her own room, though, so he stifled a sigh and caught up with his father. Becky actually coming to him and more or less telling him she was okay with the fact that he was gay was more than he'd hoped for, so maybe they'd already said all they needed to say.


	35. Chapter 35

Merton froze with his hand on the doorknob, letting out a low groan in the silence of his dorm room as he listened to the phone ring. At this rate he was never going to make it downstairs before dinner ended, but at least he was mostly packed. The last thing he needed to do was stay up all night tossing things into a bag at the last minute.

When the phone rang again he let go of the doorknob and crossed back to his desk, picking up the receiver and throwing himself down on his bed. "Hello?"

"What time did we say tomorrow? 1:00 or 1:30?"

He rolled his eyes and grinned indulgently, shaking his head as he pushed himself off the mattress and reached for his plane ticket. "The flight's at 2:30, Lori. So shoot for 1:00 and you might make it before we take off."

"Funny," she snapped, although he'd known her long enough by now to tell that she wasn't really mad. He'd seen her mad before – the first time he saw her after he blew off graduation and left town without saying goodbye, for instance – and he knew the signs. It had taken her a long time to get over that, in fact she wouldn't acknowledge his presence in the state of Massachusetts for their first month of college. Eventually she relented, though, showing up at his door one day and claiming that the all-girls atmosphere of Wellesley was starting to make her stir crazy. He'd made some joke about her seeking out the only gay guy she knew in Massachusetts as a substitute for a school full of girls, and after that it was almost like nothing had ever happened.

The only time there was any tension between them was when she mentioned Tommy. He knew somewhere deep down Lori thought he was a coward for leaving the way he did, and he could live with that. As long as she didn't try to share the news of Tommy's life back in Pleasantville they got along okay, and he wanted to keep it that way. He definitely didn't want to make any waves before they spent several hours trapped in a plane together on the way home for Christmas break, especially not after Lori had gone to all the trouble of booking a seat on the same flight as him.

"So, you still dying to get home and drown yourself in all that holiday cheer?" she asked. He heard a muted choking sound and pictured her trying not to laugh, her signature smirk lighting up her eyes.

"Just be thankful your parents aren't dragging you off to Sweden this year," he shot back, immediately closing his eyes against the memory of Christmas break a year ago.

"Switzerland."

"Whatever." He stifled a sigh and opened his eyes again, glancing at the clock to make sure he still had time to make it to the cafeteria before it closed for the night. "All I plan to do with my vacation is sleep and eat decent food. My family's pretty low-key around the holidays anyway."

"Hmm."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," she said a little too quickly. "Listen, Merton, I've gotta go, there's this thing tonight. So I'll meet you at the gate tomorrow at 1:00."

"Right. See you tomorrow," Merton answered, standing up and setting the receiver back in its cradle. He frowned at the phone for a second, wondering if he was imagining things or if Lori had really sounded like she knew something she wasn't telling him. He got that feeling a lot whenever he was around her, but he almost always assumed it had something to do with news about Tommy that she was trying to keep to herself.

He'd never admit it to her or his parents, but part of him wished they'd all ignore his rule about never mentioning Tommy's name. Call it morbid curiosity, but sometimes he really wanted to know how Tommy's life was going. If he was the star of the football team and on the fast track to whatever career his father had hand-picked for him Merton would feel vindicated in walking away when he did, and if Tommy's life was a mess then Merton wouldn't feel quite so pathetic about the fact that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy in six months.

It was hard to believe that it had been a whole year since their first kiss; six months that had been the most frustrating and exciting of his life, followed by six months of Merton going through the motions of his life without really feeling anything. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy school, he liked his classes and he liked his new friends. Life for him at Amherst was a lot different than life for him in Pleasantville; at college people accepted him for who he was, and they didn't care what he wore or who he went out with. There were no rules saying he couldn't date somebody from the football team if he wanted, not that any of them had expressed an interest but the point was that he could and he wouldn't have to hide it.

That kind of freedom felt good, a little scary sometimes too but most of the time he just enjoyed it. While he was at Johns Hopkins he wouldn't even let himself think about Tommy, because every time he did he was sure his heart was going to explode. He'd be riding the metro through downtown D.C. or walking across campus with the other kids in his group and a memory would blindside him, and he'd have to stop and squeeze his eyes shut while he waited to either die or catch his breath. Finally he just told everyone in his research group that he had asthma, an excuse they could buy easily and it explained away the sudden bouts of breathlessness.

By the time he got to Amherst the memories had dulled a little, and he didn't have to stop and force the thoughts of Tommy out of his consciousness. In fact when he first realized how easy it was to be himself at college he found himself hoping that it was easy for Tommy too, even though he was pretty sure it wasn't. If Tommy had come out life would be even harder for him, because he was still surrounded by a lot of the kids from their high school and his father would never understand. The chance that Tommy wasn't still living a lie was so slim that he wouldn't even let himself think about it, though. If anything Tommy was probably dating the head cheerleader just to convince the kids from high school that those strange rumors about him were never true.

He let out a sigh as he finally reached the cafeteria, taking a tray off the stack and surveying the choice of entrees as he tried to push thoughts of Tommy out of his mind. It didn't hurt to breathe anymore when he found himself thinking about his senior year, but it bothered him that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy after all this time. Not that he hadn't tried; he'd dated, and he was usually so busy with school and his life that he barely had time to get together with Lori once a month. Still, no matter how busy he kept himself the memories were always there, nagging at him and making him wonder if Tommy ever thought about them at all.

Once his tray was piled with food he suddenly didn't want anymore he headed toward the rows of wooden tables, catching sight of a group of his friends and managing a weak grin as they waved him over.

"Hey, Merton. We were just speculating as to whether or not you were actually going to show for a last meal."

"And miss my last chance at this food for three weeks?" Merton said, his grin fading when he looked down at the unappetizing pasta concoction on his tray. "On second thought maybe I should have just gone to sleep."

"It tastes better than it looks, I swear."

He made a show of pushing the food around his plate with his fork for awhile, only half-listening to the animated conversation at the table. Mostly they were talking about their plans for the three-week break from classes, and he didn't have much to contribute to that topic. The fact was that he'd been more or less dreading going home for over a month now, and he didn't have any intention of telling his friends why. If he launched into some weepy, sentimental story about his troubled high school years and his break-up with Tommy they'd either laugh at him or change the subject, so he figured it wasn't worth bringing up.

The truth was that he didn't really want to go back to Pleasantville at all; he knew there was no real chance that he'd run into Tommy, but that was part of the problem. He wanted to see Tommy again, to see for himself what he hadn't let Lori tell him all this time. His parents had made the mistake of mentioning Tommy once during one of their weekly calls, but Merton had reacted so badly that they'd never brought it up again. So he had no idea if they ever saw Tommy on campus, and even though he knew nothing about Tommy's life now he couldn't stop wondering. It was starting to make him a little crazy, but he wasn't sure if finding out the truth would make it better or worse.

"Earth to Merton."

He glanced up at the sound of his name, flushing when he realized all his friends were staring at him. "Sorry, what?"

"I asked you when you're leaving for home. Wow, finals must have melted your brain or something. You're totally zoned."

"Yeah, I guess so," Merton muttered, picking up his soda and draining half the contents of the glass before he looked up again. "Tomorrow. My flight's at 2:30."

"Man, I wish I was done already," one of his friends lamented, and the conversation shifted away from him again. He was thankful they hadn't asked him anything else, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to fake happiness at the thought of heading home for three long weeks. So far he'd been able to chalk his distraction up to worrying about finals, but now that he was done for the semester he didn't have any more excuses. The truth was that he was really worried that the next three weeks would be just as boring as he'd been predicting they'd be. There would be no Tommy, not even a mention of his name if the past six months were any indication. He'd spend three weeks in the same town as Tommy Dawkins and he'd go back to school even more distracted, and he wouldn't even get to torture himself by seeing how good Tommy looked and how well he'd adjusted to life without Merton in it.

~

Merton shifted in the uncomfortable airport seat, checking his watch for the third time in as many minutes before he turned his attention back to the crowds of people rushing from one gate to another. He'd been kidding when he suggested that Lori might miss their flight, but the closer it got to 2:00 the more he wondered if he'd been right after all. The thought of all that time alone on a plane with no one to distract him was depressing, and even though he knew staring down the concourse wasn't going to make her appear he couldn't make himself focus on anything else.

When she finally did arrive at ten minutes past 2:00 they were already boarding, and she cut in line ahead of him and flashed a breathless grin. "Told you I'd make it."

"Way to make an entrance," Merton said, glancing nervously over his shoulder to make sure no one was going to complain about her insinuating herself into the middle of the line. "Let me guess, you were so excited about going back to Pleasantville that you totally forgot about the actual trip back there."

"I don't remember you being this sarcastic in high school," she said, glancing up at him long enough to frown before she went back to digging through her carry-on for her ticket.   
"If you really wanna know, I overslept."

"Lori, it's 2:00 in the afternoon."

"Yeah, well, I didn't go to bed until 7:30 this morning. Geez, Merton, don't you ever have any fun over at that school of yours?"

"Obviously not as much as you," he answered, shaking his head to chase away the images of what she might have been doing until 7:30 in the morning.

"That much is pretty much a given. I've met your friends," she said as they reached the front of the line and handed their boarding passes to the airline employee.

He stifled the urge to say something defensive about his friends because he knew it wouldn't do him any good. He wasn't sure if she really didn't like them or if she just didn't like the fact that they weren't Tommy, but either way he knew they'd never agree on the subject. She'd never said anything about her secret hope that he'd stay home and go to State with Tommy after that day in his bedroom, but he'd never forgotten that conversation. He'd never forgotten the look on her face when she told him she was worried about leaving Tommy alone, and although he was pretty sure she'd break his rule about not mentioning Tommy if he was really having a hard time Merton couldn't help wondering.

It bothered him that part of him hoped Tommy was miserable, but he tried to tell himself it was a natural reaction to having his heart broken. He didn't really mean it anyway, at least not the way it would sound if he said it out loud. It wasn't so much that he wanted Tommy to suffer, he just wanted Tommy to think about them and regret letting Merton go. He'd never told Lori or anybody else, but if Tommy had asked him to he would have stayed home and gone to State. He would have given up Johns Hopkins and Amherst and maybe he would have regretted it someday, but if Tommy asked him to he wouldn't even have thought about it before he said yes.

He sighed as he sank into the seat next to Lori's, wishing they didn't have to change planes in Minneapolis. The whole trip was nerve-wracking enough without a layover in some anonymous city, and he knew the longer they spent traveling the more depressed he'd be when they finally got home. He was glad he didn't have to make the trip alone, but his mind was already wandering to what could have been and being around Tommy's best friend wasn't going to help keep his mind off the past.

"You're not moping the whole way home."

"I'm not moping," he said without looking at her.

"Give me a break, Merton."

He rolled his eyes and shifted in the uncomfortable seat, trying to find a position for his legs that wasn't going to cut off his circulation. "I was just thinking about break, that's all. It's not like I'm exactly excited about going back to Pleasantville."

"Right, and I'm doing cartwheels." She let out an exasperated sigh and shoved her backpack under the seat in front of her before turning as much as she could in her seat. "Look, nobody that gets out of Pleasantville actually wants to go back there. But it's just three weeks, and I'm sure your family misses you."

"I doubt it, they brought in a replacement practically the day I moved out."

"What are you talking about?"

"My parents. Every once in awhile one of them finds some stray on campus, some student that needs a place to stay because their dorm deposit bounced or they're having a hard time adjusting to living away from home or whatever. My mother's the worst, she's always adopting a new project. They stopped letting people move in when Becky got old enough to realize that college boys were cute, but for some reason they've got somebody new this semester. He must be a total geek if they're not worried about my boy-crazy sister trying to jump him."

"How come they never worried about you trying to jump any of these guys?"

He laughed at her mischievous expression, his sense of doom fading a little as he thought about the kids his mother had drug home when he was in high school. "The subject never came up. But they didn't have anything to worry about."

"Hmm."

"You keep saying that," he said, shifting a little in the cramped seat as he tried to get a better look at her.

"Do I? I didn't notice."

"Yeah, you said it on the phone yesterday too. What does that mean?"

"It's just an expression, Merton." She rolled her eyes and turned to look out the window as the plane finally began taxiing down the runway. "You know, when you're not really interested in whatever the person's saying but you don't want them to think they're boring? 'Hmm', as in, 'Hmm, I'd say something else but I'm not really listening'. That kind of thing."

Thanks for clearing that up," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and turning to watch the flight attendant go through her pantomime of the emergency procedures. Lori laughed but he didn't turn to look at her again, suddenly wishing she'd really missed the flight after all.

"Geez, Merton, I was just kidding," she said, nudging him with her elbow. He glanced over at her but didn't say anything, although he didn't quite manage to hide the grin that threatened to form. "That's pretty cool of your parents. A little weird, but nice. So is this new guy staying in your room?"

"He better not be," Merton answered, shuddering at the image of some social misfit digging through his stuff. "I'm not sleeping in the guestroom in my own house."

"Well maybe this one will be cute," Lori said. "It'll give you something to do over break, anyway."

"Trust me, if you'd seen the kids my mom's always dragging home you wouldn't even suggest that," he answered, the last of his anger subsiding. "Besides, the last thing I want to do is start some long-distance thing. I've got enough on my mind with school as it is."

"Right, and your total lack of interest in dating wouldn't have anything to do with the reason you don't want to go home."

"No," he answered a little too defensively. He paused and glanced out the window as the plane took off, telling himself the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach was from the sudden change in altitude and not the thought of Tommy. He stole a glance at Lori out of the corner of his eye, but she was focused on the view out the window. "So I guess you're going to see him while we're home."

"He is one of my best friends," she reminded him, finally turning away from the window to look at him. "Just because you pretend he doesn't exist doesn't mean it's true."

He opened his mouth to say something defensive about the reason he pretended Tommy didn't exist anymore, but she was already looking out the window again. He sighed and let his answer die on his lips, telling himself it wasn't worth arguing about. Tommy was out of his life; it was the choice he'd made that afternoon in the hallway outside the high school gym and Merton wasn't going to feel guilty for moving on. And he had moved on, he had a whole new life and he was happy. Just because he still thought about Tommy every once in awhile didn't mean anything.


	36. Chapter 36

By the time the plane from Minneapolis landed Merton was sure going home for Christmas break had been a mistake. He'd spent the past month entertaining fantasies of staying alone in the dorm, enjoying the peace and quiet of having the entire building to himself. Other times he'd considered just slipping out of the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport during his layover, getting a cheap hotel room somewhere and spending a week anonymously before his flight back from Minneapolis.

In the end he couldn't do it to his parents, and anyway with Lori around he'd never have gotten away with it. As it was she'd been rattling on about school and her new friends for almost the entire trip, and Merton had a sneaking suspicion she was trying to distract him from something. In fact she was acting an awful lot like someone that was trying to get the guest of honor to a surprise party. Or a firing squad.

When they finally landed he was almost glad to be getting rid of her, even though it meant he probably wouldn't be seeing her until they were back at school. She was on a different flight back than he was, so at least she couldn't accuse him of brooding all the way back to Massachusetts; It also meant he wouldn't have a chance to get any information about Tommy out of her until after break, though, and he couldn't help being disappointed about that.

"There's my ride," Lori said as they made their way into the gate area. He followed her gaze to a man in a tailored gray suit, holding a sign that read 'Baxter'.

"You mean your parents didn't come pick you up?" Merton asked, frowning at the thought of Lori riding all the way back to town with some stranger. "Are you sure you don't want my dad to give you a lift? He doesn't mind."

"Hey, my parents remembered to send a driver, that means they're looking forward to my visit," she said. She stopped and turned toward him, her smile a mixture of affection and something close enough to pity to make him uncomfortable. "I'll call you in a few days to see if you're ready to come out of your room yet. And be nice to the charity case; it is Christmas, you know."

He rolled his eyes as she grinned and turned her back on him, watching her hand her backpack over to her driver before he began scanning the crowd for his father. She'd begun referring to his parents' houseguest as 'the charity case' almost before they were out of Boston airspace, alternating between talking up the potential the guy might have and going on and on about how great his parents were for taking him in. It was obvious by the time they were over Chicago that there was something she wasn't telling him, and if he didn't know better he'd have jumped right to the conclusion that somehow they were talking about Tommy.

His parents wouldn't do that to him, though. He was positive that no matter what the circumstances, his parents wouldn't spring something like that on him when he walked off the plane to spend three weeks stuck in Pleasantville. He'd asked Lori more than once if there was something she wanted to tell him, but she just shook her head and changed the subject to one of her friends at school. As he searched the crowd for his father he told himself not to be crazy, there was no way they'd keep something like that from him. No matter how many times he'd told them not to mention Tommy to him, they'd tell him if they let his ex-boyfriend move into their house.

A hand landed on his shoulder, startling him out of his thoughts. He smiled sheepishly as he recognized his father, telling himself the reason he hadn't seen him wasn't because he'd been looking for Tommy. It was ridiculous to think he'd show up in the airport, except maybe to meet Lori and she'd already disappeared with her driver.

"Deep breaths, Merton. It's alright, it's just me."

"Dad," Merton said, taking a deep breath automatically as he turned to face the older man. "You just startled me."

"Sorry about that. It's good to see you, son. College agrees with you," Mr. Dingle said, pulling Merton toward him for a quick hug before he reached for Merton's backpack. "So how was the flight? Where's Lori? I thought she was coming home with you."

"She did…I mean she's probably down at baggage claim already. Her parents sent a driver."

"I see," Mr. Dingle said with the air of someone that was trying to be polite about something he didn't approve of. "Well that gives us a chance to catch up, man to man."

Merton wasn't surprised at his father's corny attempt at male bonding or the arm around his shoulders as they made their way toward baggage claim. The running commentary about life in Pleasantville over the last six months only lasted until they got Merton's suitcase and put it in the trunk of the car, however. As soon as Merton buckled his seat belt and they made their way out of the parking garage his father's expression turned almost contemplative, and all the worry he'd worked so hard to dismiss came rushing back.

"So how are you enjoying Amherst?" Mr. Dingle asked, glancing over at Merton before he turned back to the road.

"I talk to you and Mom all the time, Dad," Merton answered. "You e-mail me practically every day, you know how school's going."

"Right, right. There's something different about talking about something in person, though, isn't there? Eye contact and all that." His father smiled briefly, then let out a small sigh and looked over at Merton again. "Before we get back to the house there are some things we should talk about."

Merton told himself the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach was just nerves brought on by the thought of being home again after six months away. He turned to stare out the window, watching the snow-covered fields rush by as his father drove down the state highway that led to Pleasantville. It wasn't snowing in Massachusetts yet; the air had turned cold at school, but he was used to a permanent layer of snow by this time of year and as he looked up at the gray sky he realized that he'd almost missed it. Not the town itself and certainly not high school, but there were things about this place that would always feel like home no matter how far away he got.

"Mom already told me about her latest project," he said, using the term the entire family had settled on for his mother's charity cases years ago. "As long as he's not sleeping in my room I don't care. I don't plan to do much over break besides catch up on my sleep anyway."

He stared out at the dormant fields rushing past the car and silently pleaded with his father to let it go at that, to laugh it off and assure Merton that whoever this stranger was, he wouldn't make a difference in Merton's visit. Maybe he was even leaving to visit his own family over the break, and if Merton had to see him at all it would only be a few polite words before he was gone.

"Your room is exactly as you left it, much to your mother's dismay," his father said, chuckling a little at his own joke. "Son, about the young man that's been staying with us…"

"How's Becky doing?" Merton interrupted, turning toward his father suddenly. He was sure his desperation not to hear the truth was written all over his face; he'd asked about his sister enough during his parents' weekly phone calls that he didn't have to worry about her. "Are they still leaving her alone at school?"

"Your sister's doing very well. She's grown up quite a bit in the past few months, you'll hardly recognize her."

For a second Merton actually thought his father was going to let him change the subject, to laugh it off and launch into some fatherly speech about the fine young woman Becky was becoming. He would have gladly listened to any rambling platitudes about his sister as long as it meant putting off hearing what he was almost sure now was the truth. That impromptu vacation in Minneapolis sounded even better suddenly than it had when he'd first dreamed it up, but it was too late now to do anything except let his father drive them  
back to the house he'd spent most of his life in.

"That's good," Merton finally said. "I was afraid you were going to say there were bricks flying through the windows at dinner or something."

"Nothing quite that dramatic," Mr. Dingle said, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he glanced in Merton's direction. "There have been a few changes that we should talk about, though. Your mother mentioned our new houseguest…"

"I already told you, I know all about that," Merton interrupted. "It's not a big deal, Dad, I'm used to it. Besides, he's going to visit his family over the break, right? I mean it's not like he's going to be hanging around our house the whole time."

"I'm afraid he doesn't have a family to visit," his father said, his smile fading at the thought of the unfortunate soul they'd taken in out of the kindness of their hearts. Merton was smart enough to know that he was lucky he had such liberal, well-meaning parents, but sometimes he wished they'd let Pleasantville's 'mind your own business' policy rub off a little more. "Your mother and I have faith in you, Merton. We know you can share your good fortune with someone less fortunate, just for a few weeks."

Any hope Merton had of discovering that this was all some giant misunderstanding faded when his father looked over and raised his eyebrows at him. There was only one reason his parents would feel like they had to ask that. They must have known how he'd react or they would have told him months ago, but the fact that he was predictable didn't do anything to make him want to pretend he was fine with it. Obviously they had no idea what they'd done; if they knew how things had ended between him and Tommy…but then again maybe it was his fault for never telling them the whole story. In fact he'd never really told them anything, he'd never even come right out and said the words 'I'm gay' to them.

He breathed in sharply at a sudden, horrifying thought: What if his parents had misunderstood this whole time? Was it possible that they didn't know that Tommy was his ex-boyfriend? No, they were the ones that laid down the ground rules about Tommy spending the night, they had to know. But they didn't know the extent of his feelings, and they had no idea how it ended. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Forgive me for saying so, Merton, but you made your feelings on the subject clear. Your mother was worried that if you knew you wouldn't come home for Christmas. Frankly I'm surprised your friend Lori didn't mention it to you."

They were right; regardless of his sense of betrayal and the rolling nausea in his stomach he knew his father had a point. There was no way he would have gotten on a plane if they'd been honest with him from the beginning, he might have refused to speak to them at all. Either way he'd be sitting in his dorm room right now, licking his wounds and feeling sorry for himself. Which was pretty much what he'd planned to do with his vacation, but it would have been a lot less complicated if he'd done it in Massachusetts.

"She probably tried," Merton finally answered. He thought back to the first few conversations he and Lori had after she forgave him for leaving without saying goodbye, searching his memory for the clues she must have given him. She'd tried to tell him about Tommy, but every time she got close to the subject he shut her down before she could tell him anything. If he hadn't been so stubborn he would have at least been prepared, but there was nothing he could do about it now. "Do you have any idea what this is like for me, Dad? I mean do you and Mom even know what happened?"

His father let out a heavy sigh and looked over at Merton, his gaze so heavy suddenly that Merton had to look away. The last thing he wanted to see on his father's face was disappointment of any kind, especially when he didn't feel like he'd done anything wrong. It wasn't like he was the one that decided he couldn't handle it. Tommy walked away from him, all Merton had done was respect his decision. He clung desperately to that thought and forced himself to meet his father's gaze again.

"If you were a little less stubborn you'd know that Tommy was thrown out of his home this summer," the older man said as he turned his attention back to the road. "He had some sort of disagreement with his father, I don't know all the details but I believe it had something to do with the reason you chose not to attend graduation. Tommy's had a hard time these past few months, son. In fact, if it wasn't for you I have no idea what would have happened to him."

"If it wasn't for me none of this would have ever happened," Merton answered, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared out the windshield. They'd reached the outskirts of Pleasantville, and as they passed the burnt out farmhouse he and Tommy had driven to that night in February he closed his eyes. "He'd still be living the lie his father wanted to believe, and everything would be fine."

"Forgive me, Merton, but I think you're giving yourself a little too much credit." The sound of his father's amused laughter made Merton scowl, and he sank a little further into his seat as Pleasantville began to creep into view. "Do you honestly think anyone could go on like that forever? It's possible this would have happened anyway, and if Tommy didn't have us to turn to he would have been out in the street. Frankly I'm relieved he felt he could come to us."

Merton wasn't sure when it happened, but suddenly it felt like all Tommy's problems over the last year were somehow his fault. He had the urge to defend himself, to point out that Tommy made his own choices and Merton had been as understanding as he could for a lot longer than most people would have. He wanted to tell his father that it was a dirty trick, luring him all the way back to Pleasantville just to spend the entire time reminding him of how he'd failed Tommy. Instead he let out a choked, bitter laugh and glanced over at his father. "So he just showed up on the doorstep with his stuff and you  
asked him to move in? Does that mean we're brothers now?"

The older man didn't answer, but his frown let Merton know that he wasn't impressed with his son's immature reaction. "Try to put yourself in Tommy's shoes for a minute. This hasn't been easy for him."

"Yeah, it was a walk in the park for me," Merton muttered. "Come on, Dad, you  
know what high school was like for me."

"Of course. I also know that you're a strong young man, and you have the strength of your convictions to guide you. And don't forget that you were given options, that's not something Tommy was lucky enough to have."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, opting instead to turn away from his father so he wouldn't be accused of pouting next. Morbid curiosity had made him wonder what Tommy's life was like now, but this was a little too much. If he'd known…but he should have known, really. He should have figured it out from the vague way his parents referred to their new live-in charity case, because in the past his mother had always been happy to supply more details than Merton wanted about any of the students she took an interest in.

Something about thinking of Tommy as a charity case made his stomach turn, and for a split second he almost felt sorry for him. Or maybe it wasn't even pity so much as a sense of compassion. It must have taken a lot for Tommy to go to Merton's parents for help, especially after the way they left things. Even if he hadn't intended to come out to his father it had happened, and Merton could imagine the shape Tommy was in when his parents got their hands on him. "Is he okay?" he heard himself ask, horrified at the fact that he'd actually said it out loud.

"He's doing better," Mr. Dingle answered as he steered the car into their neighborhood. "It's been a rough few months for him, but once we got his financial aid paperwork in order and he settled into his classes things started to settle down. He lost his scholarship when his father threw him out, evidently the coach wasn't any more enthusiastic than Mr. Dawkins about having Tommy play for the team."

He knew without having to ask how Tommy had taken getting cut from the team, and a tiny part of him that he didn't want to acknowledge was glad that his parents had been there. At least they finally proved to Tommy that he didn't have to depend on his father to carve out a future for him, something that Merton had never been able to convince him of. Not that he hadn't tried, but telling Tommy he had options and actually showing him were two different things. Maybe he could have helped Tommy with some of it, and maybe he'd always regret that he hadn't tried a little harder. The fact that his parents had picked up where he left off made him feel a little better, though.

"Look, son, your mother and I know this isn't going to be easy for you. Tommy knows it too, he's probably just as nervous about this as you are. But you're both smart young men, I'm sure you can leave the past in the past for a few weeks and just enjoy some time with the family."

He wanted to laugh at the idea of Tommy being included in the Dingles' concept of 'family', but the expression on his father's face was so hopeful and sincere that all he could do was nod. He managed a weak smile and told himself he could get through a few weeks with Tommy hanging around. It was still his family, after all, and nothing had really changed. Maybe he could even trick himself into believing that Tommy was just another border and ignore him for three weeks, that would make it a little easier. "Sure, Dad. I can try."

"I never doubted you," Mr. Dingle said, grinning broadly as he pulled into the driveway. "It's great to have you home, son. We've all been looking forward to seeing you again."

Merton bit back the sarcastic remark that threatened to form, telling himself it wouldn't do him any good to antagonize Tommy's cheering section. He wasn't happy about the fact that his parents had lied to him, but there was nothing he could do about it. At least not until he figured out a way to get back to Massachusetts without causing a major scene. There was always the hearse; he'd always wanted to take a road trip and he had a little money left over from his summer in D.C.

He tucked the thought away in his brain for later consideration and opened the car door, pulling his backpack out of the back seat while his father lifted his suitcase out of the trunk. The next few weeks were definitely going to be weird, but he was over Tommy so it shouldn't matter, right? Sure, he still thought about him sometimes, but he was definitely over him. It was natural to wonder what he was up to, after all they'd spent a lot of time together in their last year of high school. So really he should be glad to know that Tommy was doing okay and getting on with his life.

That thought was what finally convinced him to follow his father into the house, closing the door behind them and breathing in the familiar aroma of his mother's pot roast. For a second he could almost believe he'd hallucinated the entire conversation in his father's Volvo, but as soon as the kitchen door swung open his heart sank straight to his stomach. Until that moment he hadn't let himself wonder what it would be like to see Tommy again, maybe because he knew if he had he'd never have gotten out of the car. If he'd thought about it he might have been prepared for the way his pulse sped up and  
the sudden rise in temperature, but he was totally unprepared for the flock of butterflies that took flight in his stomach.

His father was right about one thing; Tommy looked just as nervous as Merton felt, but that wasn't making him feel any better. All the arguments he'd come up with for getting through the next three weeks flew right out of his head, and as he stared back at Tommy all he could do was hope he'd survive until he figured out a way to get out of Pleasantville for good.


	37. Chapter 37

Seeing Tommy again wasn't as dramatic as Merton expected it to be; there weren't any tears or angry accusations. Neither of them acknowledged the fact that they were more than acquaintances, really, at least not in words. There were a few moments of awkwardness as they exchanged platitudes about school and how weird it was to see each other again after all this time, but after that the conversation faded into an awkward silence. Merton claimed jet lag as soon as he could and escaped to the sanctity of his bedroom, leaving his luggage by the door and peeling off his winter coat before he stretched out on his bed and reacquainted himself with the ceiling.

There was something comforting about staring up at a ceiling he'd memorized years ago, surrounded by the belongings he'd deemed not strictly necessary to his new, improved life at college. They'd seemed unnecessary at the time – frivolous, even, from the elaborate candelabras to his favorite plaster replica of the human skull – but now he took a sort of comfort from running his fingers over the dusty surfaces of his books and the other things he'd left behind.

He'd had plenty of time to contemplate how much he'd missed having his worn, tattered copy of _The Wicca Spellbook_ on hand, because he'd shut himself in his room almost from the moment he got home. His mother had dragged him out of the safety of his bedroom long enough for a welcome home dinner, but he'd had a hard time focusing on the pot roast long enough to enjoy it while Tommy was sitting right across the table. Maybe it would have been easier for him if the whole family had been overcome by a sudden bout of awkwardness, but he seemed to be the only one that thought there was anything weird about having Tommy sitting at their table like he belonged there.

He listened to his parents and his sister betray him with each laugh, each teasing question about Tommy's day. He'd suffered through a story or two about Tommy's coworkers at the restaurant where he was evidently bussing tables, and he even had to keep a straight face while his mother fawned over Tommy's end of term grades. It was disturbing to watch them, because as he sat there and listened to the banter he realized that this was normal for them. Tommy sat at _his_ dining room table every night, teased _his_ little sister about a crush Merton didn't even know she had, and  
sought counsel from _his_ parents about what classes to sign up for next  
semester.

The worst part wasn't that Tommy had taken over his life, though. If Tommy had just insinuated himself into the family and pretended Merton wasn't even sitting there he would have felt vindicated in being jealous, but every few minutes Tommy glanced over at him with an almost apologetic expression. Merton's entire family appeared to be oblivious to what was going on, but Tommy was completely aware of it and he obviously felt at least a little guilty.

It felt so weird to sit there that Merton felt like he might crawl out of his skin before dinner ended, and by the time his mother served dessert he was ready to scream. As soon as he saw an opening his mumbled something about being tired from the trip and escaped back to his room, throwing himself down on his bed with a dramatic flair that would have embarrassed him if he wasn't so busy feeling sorry for himself.

Eventually he fell asleep, although it was long after the rest of the family turned in for the night. He lay there and listened to them moving around the house, amusing himself by guessing whose shoes were squeaking on the kitchen floor or who decided to watch a movie in the living room after his parents had already gone to their room and closed the door. At first he thought Becky and Tommy were watching something together, and he imagined the two of them laughing quietly so they wouldn't disturb his parents, sitting close together on the couch like they were the real siblings.

A few minutes later he heard Becky's door close, though, and then the unmistakable sounds of water running in the bathroom as she got ready for bed. The noise in the living room continued, but Merton couldn't make out the voices from the film well enough to tell what Tommy was watching. He thought about wandering out there to see, but the thought of another awkward confrontation with Tommy was too much for him. It was bad enough that he felt like a guest in his own house without having to make small talk with the one person he'd spent the past six months trying not to think about.

He didn't really want to resent Tommy's presence in the house, because he knew what Tommy had gone through before his father threw him out. He still hadn't heard all the details of how Tommy came to live with his parents, but he could imagine what that final scene in the Dawkins house must have been like. The thought of Tommy showing up at his mother's office in long sleeves to cover his bruises made Merton's heart ache, and he squeezed his eyes shut to will the image away.

The sounds of the movie faded and he dozed off only to wake abruptly when he heard the TV shut off. For a second he thought he was back in the dorm and the last few hours had just been a weird dream, but the sound of footsteps in the hallway jolted him back to reality. He tensed as he listened to Tommy make his way down the hall, holding his breath as he waited for the other boy to pass his room and let himself into the guest room. When the footsteps came to a stop outside his door Merton froze, staring at the doorknob as he waited for Tommy to open the door.

He wasn't sure if he wanted Tommy to come in or not, but when the footsteps started moving down the hall again his heart fell a little. As soon as he heard the guest room door close he fell back against his pillows with a muted groan, telling himself there was no reason for Tommy to check to see if he was still awake. He felt guilty about accepting help from Merton's parents after the way things had ended between them, that was it. Maybe he'd even been thinking about offering some stammered apology, but that wasn't what Merton wanted.

Not that he wanted anything from Tommy; he certainly didn't want to get out of bed and pad down the hall to the guest room, knock quietly and half-hope Tommy wouldn't hear him so he could go back to his own bed. He didn't have a clue what he'd say if Tommy opened the door, there was really nothing they could say to each other. It was all in the past, and now Tommy was just a guy that rented a room in his parents' house. That was all he could be, because Merton wasn't sure what would happen if they tried to talk about what happened.

~

When Merton woke up again the sun was pouring through his blinds, deceptively bright and giving off the impression that it was closer to late May than late December. He groaned and buried his head a little further into the pillows, closing his eyes tight against the unwelcome sunlight. A dreary, gray sky like the one that had greeted him yesterday would have suited his mood much better, so the fact that the day was blindingly bright didn't surprise him at all.

He tried to go back to sleep, rationalizing that it was his first real day of vacation and there was really no reason to get out of bed at all until it was time to go back to school. The strange moments when Tommy had stopped outside his door the night before wouldn't leave his consciousness, though, and he finally gave up on sleep and opened his eyes. The smell of whatever his mother was cooking would have gotten him out of bed eventually anyway, he rationalized as he brushed his teeth and made a few attempts to subdue his hair.

Finally he gave up on trying to look presentable – not attractive, because it didn't matter what Tommy thought of him anymore – and stumbled toward the kitchen in search of breakfast. He was surprised to discover that Tommy wasn't already at the table, working his way through a stack of his father's waffles or a three-egg omelet. Even the memory of watching Tommy eat breakfast at this very table made his heart do a strange little flip, and he let out a disgusted sigh and threw himself into a chair.

"Morning, son," his father said around his newspaper. "Sleep well now that you're back in your own bed?"

He thought about telling them the truth, that he'd laid awake half the night tossing and turning and he wasn't in the mood for small talk. Part of him wanted to scream at them that he felt betrayed by all of them, that they had no right to bring Tommy home and actually like him better than their own son. They probably didn't even miss him; he probably could have stayed at school alone over break and it wouldn't have made a difference to any of them.

"I slept fine," was all he said.

"Good, good," his father murmured absently, already engrossed in his paper  
again.

A moment later a plate of food appeared in front of him, accompanied by a kiss pressed against his temple. "Eat, Merton; You're wasting away at college," his mother said, patting his shoulder before she went back to the stove.

He looked down at the plate full of eggs and fruit, then down at the thin tee shirt covering his chest. For the first time he realized that the fabric hung off him a little more than it used to, and to his parents the change in him was probably a signal that he was miserable and starving himself. "The food at school isn't the greatest," he muttered, half expecting them both to ignore him.

"Sometimes I think it's a shame you went all the way to Amherst," his mother said, surprising him into looking up. "Not that it isn't a wonderful school, your father and I both enjoyed our time there. But we're from the East so our families were close by. I don't like thinking of you all the way out there by yourself."

"He's hardly by himself, dear," his father interjected, looking up from his paper long enough to smile at his wife. "Besides, he looks fine. Don't embarrass the boy."

It was the closest his parents ever got to fighting, and Merton found himself smiling in spite of his determination to be miserable. He hid his amusement by taking a bite of his breakfast, tuning out the sounds of his parents' voices as they argued politely about whether or not he was too skinny. They were so caught up in the conversation that neither of them even looked up when the doorbell rang, so Merton sighed and pushed his chair back. He wondered vaguely where Becky and Tommy were as he made his way to the front door, raising his eyebrows as he found himself face to face with Lori.

"Hey, Merton," she said. "I see you made it out of your room already, I'm impressed."

"If you're here to gloat you can just go away," he said, his eyes narrowing as she brushed past him and let herself into the foyer.

"First of all, I'm not even here to see you, I'm here for Tommy. And second of all, there's nothing to gloat about; You're the one that made such a huge deal out of never mentioning Tommy's name, I was just respecting your wishes. If you hadn't been so stubborn about it you would have known a long time ago." She cleared her throat and glanced over his shoulder, her expression turning sheepish. "Hey, Tommy. Ready to go?"

"Uh…yeah. Let me just tell Mr. and Mrs. Dingle where I'm going," Tommy said, his voice ringing in Merton's ears. He should have known that morning when he woke up to too-bright sunlight streaming through his windows that staying in bed was the best idea, but it was too late to take any of it back now. Maybe Tommy already knew that Merton refused to talk about him or even hear his name, maybe Lori or his parents had already filled him in on exactly how immature Merton could be. That didn't make him feel any better, though, and the hint of pain in Tommy's eyes when he forced himself to look at the other boy confirmed his suspicion that he was handling the whole situation wrong.

"Merton can tell them," Lori said, interrupting the moment of tension. Merton cleared his throat and willed himself not to blush as he tore his gaze away from Tommy's. "You don't mind, do you, Merton?"

Merton muttered something along the lines of 'sure, whatever' as Lori pulled the front door open again, crossing his arms over his chest and making himself as small as possible as Tommy brushed past him. He felt the heat of the other boy's body anyway as Tommy's shoulder made contact with his, and it took every ounce of self-control he had left not to close his eyes.

"Thanks, Merton," Tommy said, pausing with his hand on the doorknob as though he wanted to say something else. "See you later."

"Yeah, see you," Merton echoed, waiting until the door shut before he dared to move. It hadn't been the most painful moment of his life, but it had been up there. He was pretty sure nothing would ever top hearing Tommy say _he was just standing there_ before he walked into the gym and out of Merton's life, but the look on Tommy's face when Merton turned around was unexpected. If anything he figured Tommy would be glad that Merton had left him alone, regardless of how things had worked out with his family in the end. Suddenly he wasn't so sure anymore, and that was almost worse than if Tommy had just pretended he wasn't standing there.

The last thing he needed to do was start imagining they had a shot at a second chance. He didn't even want one, because he was over Tommy. He'd gone out on dates with other guys since he got to Amherst, just because he hadn't found anyone he liked enough to see more than once or twice didn't mean anything. And even if he hadn't been dating he still wouldn't want Tommy back, not after the way things ended between them. He still had a little bit of pride, even if no one else saw it.

A soft sigh escaped his throat as he headed back to the kitchen, sinking back into his chair to stare at his lukewarm breakfast. "Who was at the door?" his mother asked, frowning at him when he looked up at her. "Merton, honey? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Mom," he lied, pushing his eggs around on his plate a little to prove his point. "It was just Lori. Tommy wanted me to tell you he was going out with her. I don't know when they'll be back."

He caught his parents exchanging a glance over his head, but he didn't bother to look up. Suddenly the effort of convincing them he wasn't as pathetic as they thought he was seemed too much, so he kept his gaze focused on his plate and let them think what they wanted.

"Well that works out," his father said, his voice a little too loud and cheerful in the silence of the kitchen. "What do you say we get that sister of yours out of bed and go find ourselves a tree? We waited until you were home so you could help us pick one out."

Driving all over the county in search of the perfect Christmas tree was the last thing Merton felt like doing; what he really wanted to do was torture himself all day wondering what Tommy and Lori were doing. He could torture himself just as easily in the back seat of his father's car, though, and his parents looked so hopeful that he forced himself to smile. "Sure, Dad. Sounds like fun."

"Terrific. I saw some great trees over at Anderson's; they're cheaper at Wal-Mart but Anderson's look a lot nicer. Of course we could always get a permit and go cut our own this year."

Merton tuned out his father's rambling monologue about the origins of the perfect Christmas tree and let his mind wander back to that split second at the front door. He knew he was imagining it, but for just a second he could have sworn that something had passed between him and Tommy, some signal or silent communication that he hadn't deciphered yet. It had to be his imagination, a hallucination brought on by lack of sleep and the guilt that had made Tommy hesitate outside his bedroom at midnight.

As soon as he caught his mind wandering to what might have happened if Tommy had knocked on his door he shook his head, chasing the unwelcome and unsettling thoughts out of his mind. What he'd told Lori on the plane was still true; it didn't matter that Tommy had turned out to be the person staying in his parents' guestroom, he was still just a student his parents had taken in. The time for working out what happened between them in high school had long since passed, and now they were both living different lives.

He forced his attention back to the conversation at the table in time to hear his father muttering about Christmas lights, stifling a sigh and telling himself to be thankful that they at least wanted him around. Maybe Tommy was more uncomfortable about spending the holidays in their house than he let on, after all his family probably had different traditions, if they had any at all. At least Merton knew what his dad meant when he talked about the outside lights versus the tree lights, and they had waited for him before they decorated. It was possible that Tommy had gone out with Lori for the simple reason that he felt weird about hanging around while they were doing family stuff. Merton told himself he wasn't worried about how Tommy was handling his first Christmas away from his family and finally gave up on his breakfast, managing a weak smile as he focused on his father's plans for the day.


	38. Chapter 38

Merton's room was so quiet that the sound of someone knocking on his door startled him into nearly falling off the bed, but he managed to catch his balance just in time for his mother to push the door open. "Hon, your dad and I have to go to a party on campus tonight," she said, leaning against the doorframe and glancing around the room. "Becky's out with Andrea. I ordered a pizza and I'll leave some money on the counter. Okay?"

"Sure, whatever," Merton answered distractedly, his mind still back on the fact that his whole family was going out and leaving him home alone. Not that his parents didn't still have work obligations during their own break from classes, but aside from the tree-finding expedition he'd barely seen any of them. He knew it was his fault for hiding out in his room whenever Tommy happened to be around, but it wasn't like they went out of their way to try to include him. He wasn't really all that sure what they did while he was brooding in his room, but whenever he tried to imagine it usually involved Tommy and a lot of Hallmark moments they'd never had when he lived at home.

He couldn't really blame Tommy, although part of him really, really wanted to. Tommy had always liked his parents, though, and this was probably the first time he'd ever had a normal family to come home to. He couldn't blame Becky either; for one thing she'd had a crush on Tommy since she got to high school, and it wasn't like Merton had ever given her much of a reason to miss him when he went off to school. So he blamed his parents. It didn't make him feel better and he certainly wasn't going to tell them what was bothering him, but it was nice to have someone to hold responsible.

More than once he'd walked into the kitchen to find Tommy and Becky talking or laughing, but the second one of them caught sight of him they both shut up. It was a little creepy, and although he was pretty sure they weren't talking about him he couldn't help being a little jealous. He understood why she wanted to spend time with Tommy, Merton knew firsthand how much fun he could be. Having Becky around was probably a novelty for Tommy too, it was probably like having a sibling that wanted him around for once. Even though he understood it that didn't stop him from being unnerved every time he interrupted one of their private conversations.

"So you'll be okay alone?" his mother asked, reminding Merton that she was still standing in his doorway.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Mom," he answered, managing a weak smile and hoping she'd buy it.

She paused and frowned thoughtfully at him, then sighed and pushed herself off the doorframe. "What is it exactly you've been doing in here?"

"Nothing," he said, stopping short of rolling his eyes at himself when he remembered who he was talking to. That answer hadn't worked with his mother in eighteen years, so he doubted it was going to this time. "Sleeping, mostly. Feels like I've been awake for a month straight. Finals were really hard."

"Well you could put in an appearance every once in awhile, you know. Your family would like to hear how your life's going."

"Sorry," he said, grinning sheepishly when she raised her eyebrows at him. It felt good to know that at least she'd noticed he was avoiding them, even if he couldn't tell her why. "I'll try harder, I promise."

"Good. We're on our way out, I'll leave the money on the kitchen counter. If you need anything call your dad's cell."

"I'll be fine," Merton called after her, shaking his head as she closed the door behind her. It wouldn't do any good to remind her that he wasn't five anymore, she didn't even think he could feed himself for one night. As soon as he heard the front door close he pushed himself off his mattress, stretching his stiff limbs. Maybe he had been spending too much time cooped up in his room after all. He pulled the door open and walked down the hall to the kitchen, intent on finding something to drink and heading to the living room to survey his DVD collection.

As soon as he opened the door he remembered that his mother hadn't mentioned anything about Tommy's plans for the evening, and judging by the amount of food Tommy had piled on the counter he wasn't planning to go anywhere anytime soon. He looked up as soon as Merton walked in, surprise flickering in his eyes for a second before he blinked and pulled himself together. "Hey. I thought you were asleep or something."

"No," Merton answered, eyeing the food Tommy had lined up on the counter. "I thought Mom ordered pizza."

"Yeah, but it won't be here for like half an hour," Tommy said, as though that was a perfectly reasonable excuse for eating dinner before dinner got there. "You want anything?"

"No, thanks. I'm not that hungry."

"Your mom's right, you know," Tommy said, setting a jar of mustard on the counter as he turned to look Merton up and down. "You look like you've been starving yourself out there. Not that you don't look good," he added, his face flushing an attractive shade of pink as soon as he realized what he'd said. He cleared his throat and turned back to his sandwich, suddenly fascinated with the twist tie on the loaf of bread.

Merton didn't really want to be flattered by the accidental compliment, especially since he wasn't sure that Tommy meant it. Even if Tommy thought he looked too skinny that meant he'd been looking, though, and Merton wasn't sure how to feel about it. "I'll just eat when the pizza gets here," Merton finally answered, backing toward the door to the kitchen.

Tommy looked up when he started moving, his cheeks practically glowing pink and his lips parted so invitingly that for a second Merton forgot to breathe. He remembered with a sharp gasp, covering the sound by clearing his throat and looking down at the floor.

"I was gonna watch a movie," Tommy said. "If you wanna watch."

It was exactly what Merton had been planning to do with his evening anyway, but the idea of sitting on the couch next to Tommy for two hours made him hesitate. It was too much like a dozen other nights when they were still in high school and Tommy was still his boyfriend, and Merton wasn't sure he'd be able to sit there without reliving their entire relationship. He couldn't exactly tell Tommy that, though, so he just shrugged and forced himself to look up again. "Yeah, sure."

"Cool. I got a new DVD, you've probably seen it but I think you've seen every horror movie ever made."

"I haven't seen either sequel to _Sleepaway Camp_ ," Merton pointed out, relaxing enough to smile at Tommy's back while he finished making his sandwich and started cleaning up the mess on the counter. "And I never did catch the original version of _Satan's School for Girls_."

"Something tells me you're not missing anything there." Tommy swept the last of the crumbs off the counter and picked up his plate and the sodas he'd dug out of the fridge, handing one to Merton before he pushed the kitchen door open. "I picked up _Silent Night, Deadly Night_. I was in the mood for something festive."

A soft laugh escaped Merton's throat as he followed Tommy into the living room and sank onto the couch. A year ago he'd been the one digging through the video cabinet to locate whatever movie they planned to watch, and now Tommy was more at home in his house than he was. The whole thing felt like some twisted reversal of their earliest dates, and if he didn't know better he'd think his entire family was in on setting this up. Only he was sure his parents wouldn't go _that_ far, and there was no indication that Tommy wanted anything from him other than to put the past behind them.

Maybe he even wanted to be friends, something Merton was sure just a few days ago he'd never be capable of. The idea of hanging out with Tommy and pretending he was over what happened seemed impossible before he got home, but now that they were in the same house he remembered how much he liked just spending time with the other boy. He was surprised at the way that possibility made his pulse race, and he told himself that if they were going to be friends they were going to be _just_ friends. Tommy didn't want him back; for all he knew Tommy had a new boyfriend. Although Tommy hadn't really gone out that Merton knew of with anyone except Lori, at least not since he'd been home.

As soon as he started wondering about Tommy's social life he blushed and rolled his eyes at himself, willing away the faint hope creeping into his consciousness. He didn't want Tommy back, he couldn't. There was no way that was going to happen, especially not while Tommy lived in Pleasantville and Merton lived in Massachusetts. A soft sigh escaped him before he could stop it, and he sank a little further into the couch cushions as Tommy took a seat and pressed play on the remote.

"So have you?"

"W-what?" Merton stammered, his eyes wide as he wondered how long Tommy had been talking to him.

"Seen this movie."

"Oh. No, I never got around to this one in high school. Al…this guy I used to know and I worked our way through as many horror movies as we could get our hands on in junior high, but they don't have this one at the video store."

If Tommy caught the fact that Merton had almost said Alistair's name he didn't react, he just nodded and turned back to the movie. He wasn't even sure if Tommy remembered who Alistair was, or if he did whether or not he cared about Merton's past anymore. He stole a quick glance at Tommy to find him already engrossed in the movie, and he took the opportunity to study the other boy's profile in the soft light from the TV. His heart skipped a beat as he watched Tommy's lips part, and he tore his gaze away and forced himself to focus on the movie. He was not going to spend the next two hours thinking about Tommy's mouth or wondering whether or not there was anything left between them, no matter how familiar it felt to be sitting next to Tommy in the dark.

~

By the time the movie ended Merton was so tense that he practically launched off the couch to take the disc out of the DVD player. He didn't let himself look over at Tommy as he reached for the case, because he couldn't trust himself to look at Tommy anymore. They'd sat side by side for almost two hours, sharing pizza and staring at the television without saying a word. Finally the silence was so unbearable that Merton was sure he was going to say something he'd regret, if for no other reason than to break up the silence.

He hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy through the entire movie, no matter how much he enjoyed the storyline or the graphic violence in the film. Even during the goriest parts he hadn't been able to keep his mind off the fact that Tommy was less than two feet away from him on the couch, close enough that if he wanted to he could reach over and touch him. Every time the thought occurred to him he wondered how Tommy would react if he went through with it, if he'd pull away and ask Merton what the hell he thought he was doing. Maybe he'd smile in that way he had and move a little closer, tell Merton how much he'd missed them and that he'd just been waiting for a signal, anything to tell him Merton was thinking the same thing he was.

Those kinds of fantasies were dangerous, especially when they were still alone in the house and Tommy was still sitting there in the dark. Merton stalled as long as he could before he finally turned around, taking a deep breath and bracing himself for a few more moments of awkwardness before he could escape to his room. When he turned to face Tommy the other boy was watching him, his expression unreadable in the darkness broken only by the glow from the TV and the light from the hallway.

He opened his mouth to stammer some excuse about being tired and retreat to the safety of his room, most likely to stare at the ceiling all night and try to talk himself out of being attracted to Tommy. Before he got the words out Tommy stood up, and for a split second Merton braced himself for the other boy to move toward him. Instead of moving forward Tommy took a few steps backwards, switching on the lamp next to the couch before he cleared his throat and turned to face Merton again.

"Can I talk to you for a minute before you take off again?"

Merton blushed at the obviousness of his intentions, but he nodded and shut off the TV before he took a seat as close to the end of the couch as he could. Tommy sat on the opposite end, resting his elbows on his thighs and taking a deep breath before he looked up again.

"I know this is weird," he said, gesturing vaguely between them. "I mean I don't blame you, I was a total jerk. What I'm trying to say here is I'm sorry for the way I acted. I never got a chance to tell you then. Maybe it's too late now and you don't want to hear it, but I thought you should know."

He'd been dreading this conversation, and now that Tommy had actually started it he knew why. He had no idea how to answer that, how to explain to Tommy what it had felt like to watch him walk away that day. Tommy probably felt the same way when he found out that Merton had left town without a word, but wasn't it different? Didn't he have every reason to leave the past behind? He wasn't so sure anymore; he wasn't sure of anything anymore except that he wasn't as over Tommy as he'd hoped.

"Tommy, you don't…I mean yeah, it's weird, but it's just as much my fault. I knew what I was getting into, at least I thought I did. I should have tried harder to understand, maybe, or at least told you I was leaving."

"When I heard you were gone…" Tommy trailed off, his expression clouding for a moment before he looked away and cleared his throat. "Everything happened really fast after that. Everybody at school was talking thanks to Tim and Travis. Then my dad heard, and when he asked me I just told him the truth. I knew I shouldn't, that I'd probably regret it as soon as I said it. The funny thing is that I didn't. It felt good, you know?"

"I know what you mean," Merton answered when Tommy looked up at him again. His stomach twisted at Tommy's grateful smile, and suddenly the awkwardness in the room was charged with something even more powerful.

"If it hadn't been for your parents I don't know what would have happened," Tommy continued. "It took me awhile to work up the nerve even to go see your mom. I wasn't expecting to end up here, I just needed to talk to somebody that might be able to tell me what to do. It was really cool of them to take me in, especially considering…well, you know." He paused and flashed a sheepish grin in Merton's direction. "It's nice, though. I mean the thought of living alone is kind of depressing. Plus your family's really cool."

A wry grin tugged at the corners of Merton's mouth as he listened to Tommy rhapsodize about his parents as though they were his personal saviors. In a way he guessed Tommy saw them as just that, and he couldn't really blame him for being grateful. "Sometimes I wondered if you were only hanging around me because you liked my parents so much."

"No," Tommy said, his eyes wide as he turned to stare at Merton. "I swear, Merton…I mean I like them and all but…"

"Relax, Tommy, I was kidding," Merton interrupted. He regretted the dumb joke as soon as he said it, but he hadn't expected that kind of reaction. He'd thought for the past few days that Tommy's constant apologetic looks had to do with insinuating himself into Merton's family, but now that he knew Tommy was still thinking about their break-up he wasn't sure how to feel. "I'm glad you asked my mom for help. I mean it was a surprise, finding out you were living here, but I'm glad things worked out. With school and all. And Becky likes having you around."

"She's a good kid."

Merton bit his lip to keep from asking what Tommy and Becky were always whispering about; it wasn't any of his business, really, and he didn't want to let on that it bothered him. He already felt stupid enough without letting Tommy in on the reasons why he'd been brooding since he got home. "Look, Tommy, for what it's worth, I'm sorry too. I could have handled everything a lot differently. Starting with keeping my mouth shut."

"No, I'm glad it happened," Tommy said quickly. "I mean not the way things ended up, but if it hadn't been for you I don't know how long it would have taken me to stand up to my dad."

 _…Not the way things ended up._ Merton rolled the words over in his mind, the rest of the sentence almost lost on him as he wondered if that meant what he thought it meant. He stole another glance at Tommy, but his expression was unreadable and Merton couldn't risk asking. It was too much like admitting he still had feelings for Tommy, and he didn't want that to be true. Not if it was one-sided, not if this was really just an apology.

"You would have figured it out eventually," he said, quelling the urge to wince at how lame that sounded when he said it out loud. The truth was Merton was just lucky that his parents were as understanding as they were, because he'd never had to say it to them at all. His coming out had been such a non-event that he had no idea how Tommy felt, and he was pretty sure he'd never really understand.

"Maybe." Tommy sighed and looked up at him, and for a second Merton thought he was going to say something else. A moment later he shook his head and looked back down at his hands, leaving Merton feeling disappointed without really knowing why.

He cleared his throat and stood up, wiping his palms on the sides of his jeans as he looked everywhere but at Tommy. "You wanna watch something else? There's gotta be something in here you haven't seen," he said, opening the video cabinet and scanning the titles without registering any of them.

When Tommy didn't answer he ventured a glance over his shoulder, his heart stopping at the look on the other boy's face. Maybe Tommy hadn't expected him to turn around, or maybe he just didn't know how easily Merton could read his expression. Either way the look of resigned disappointment was clear, and suddenly Merton felt like he'd made a huge mistake just by getting off the couch. The possibilities of what might have happened if he'd just kept his mouth shut were staggering, and his mind raced as he tried to think of a way to take it back.

Before he came up with something to say that wouldn't make things worse Tommy stood up, not quite managing to stifle a sigh. "Actually I'm pretty tired. I think I'm just gonna call it a night."

"Oh. Okay," Merton said. He closed the video cabinet absently as he watched Tommy cross to the entrance to the living room. When he was almost out of the room he stopped and turned around, meeting Merton's gaze with a sad smile.

"Thanks, Merton. I'm glad we talked."

"Yeah, me too," Merton answered, although he wasn't sure if he'd said it loud enough for Tommy to hear. A moment later he was alone, his heart pounding too hard against his ribcage as he tried to figure out what had just happened between them.


	39. Chapter 39

In the days following their talk Merton managed to relax a little around the family, but every time he saw Tommy he still tensed. It wasn't jealousy over Tommy's closeness with his family anymore, though. In fact he would have welcomed that over the awkwardness he felt around Tommy now, the sweaty palms and constant worry that he was going to say something to embarrass himself. So he didn't say much at all, but Tommy still kept looking at him whenever he thought Merton wasn't paying attention.

It wasn't the same apologetic look he'd gotten when he first got home. Now when Tommy looked at him his expression was harder to read, but Merton was almost certain he was trying to work something out. Every once in awhile he'd get this determined look, like he'd made a decision that finally chased all the doubt out of his features. A second later it would disappear, though, and Merton was starting to think he'd never know what Tommy was really thinking.

He'd spent most of the afternoon trying to figure it out, but every time he thought he was close to the right answer it would slip through his grasp. There was no way to know for sure without just asking Tommy what was on his mind, and Merton wasn't that desperate to know. At least he wasn't that brave. Either way he was resigned to the inevitability of going back to school with the question still weighing on him, and by the time he saw Tommy again he might just have moved on for good.

That thought bothered him for reasons he'd never be able to put into words, and he was almost grateful when the doorbell rang and interrupted his thoughts. He made his way to the front door and pulled it open, pushing away any lingering thoughts of Tommy as he found himself face to face with Lori. "Hey," he said. "How's it going?"

"Not bad," she answered as he stood aside to let her in. "Tommy and I are supposed to hang out tonight. Is he here?"

"Yeah, I think he's in his room," Merton answered, glancing unconsciously in the direction of the guest room. "I'll go get him."

"Take your time," Lori called after him, but he was too busy wondering where Tommy and Lori were going to catch the meaning behind her words. He hated being jealous; he got to see Lori a lot more than Tommy did, and it wasn't like they weren't friends before they even knew who he was. The real problem was that Merton was jealous of the time Lori got to spend with Tommy, even though he was pretty sure Tommy didn't want to be friends after all. At least he hadn't made any effort to get Merton to talk to him again after that night in the living room, and the more time that passed the less Merton could hold onto any kind of hope.

He stopped in front of Tommy's door and took a deep breath before he knocked, willing his pulse to stop racing as the door swung open and Tommy appeared. "Lori's here. She's waiting by the door."

"Thanks," Tommy said, reaching down to tuck his shirt into his jeans. Merton carefully avoided following the motion of his hands, keeping his gaze focused on Tommy's chest as he backed away from the door.

"No problem."

"Merton, wait," Tommy said as Merton turned to head back to his own room. He stopped in the center of the hall and turned around, holding his breath as he waited to see what Tommy wanted. "Listen, Lori and I are just going to hang out at The Factory. I mean if you're not doing anything…I thought maybe you'd wanna come with us."

His first instinct was to ask if Tommy was feeling okay. His second was to tell Tommy he had much more important things to do, like count the nail holes in his walls or reorganize his clothes according to color. In the end his pride took a back seat to the thought that this might be the last time Tommy ever asked him to do anything again. "Sure, I mean if you don't think she'll mind."

Tommy's amused grin didn't help Merton relax, but at least it helped convince him that he wasn't being included out of pity. "I've been telling you since high school, Lori's crazy about you. She just acts like she hates everybody, it's part of her charm."

Merton laughed nervously and mumbled something about changing his shirt, disappearing into his room and searching frantically for something to wear that actually fit him. He hadn't noticed how loose a lot of his clothes had gotten at school, but he was either going to have to start eating more or buy a new wardrobe. Finally he found a maroon button-down that didn't make him look like he was drowning in his own shirt and pulled it on, fumbling with the buttons for a minute before he finally got them lined up right.

When he reached the front door again Lori smirked at him and handed over his coat. "Nice shirt, that's a good color on you," she said, waiting until he'd pulled his coat on before she pulled him out the front door. He took a deep breath and told himself there was no reason to be nervous; he was just going out with a couple of friends, he did the same thing all the time at school. The fact that one of the 'friends' in this case was Tommy didn't make any difference at all.

~

Merton knew what The Factory was. It was the most popular hangout for the kids at his high school, and he'd heard enough about it to know what to expect. He'd never actually been inside, but he wasn't surprised to find that it was fairly crowded when they got there. Most of the kids crowded onto the dance floor and around the tables at the edges of the club were faces he recognized from school, and for a second he wondered if this was such a good idea after all.

As soon as he tensed a hand landed on his back, and he looked up to find Tommy smiling at him. "Come on," Tommy said, leaning close enough to shout over the music. Merton barely managed to suppress a shiver at the feeling of Tommy's breath hitting the side of his neck, swallowing hard and nodding as he let the other boy lead him toward the back of the room.

Somehow Lori managed to find an empty table, and Merton let himself be pushed into one of the chairs. He could practically feel the weight of the curious gazes as they crossed the room, but if Tommy and Lori noticed they didn't seem to mind. Tommy seemed almost excited, actually, almost as though he had more energy than he knew what to do with. Merton watched him bounce over to the bar to order their drinks, oblivious to the people staring after him.

"So you guys worked it out," Lori said, evoking a blush from Merton as he realized she'd caught him staring.

"No. I mean we put the past behind us, if that's what you mean. I don't know, I guess we're trying to be friends."

She shrugged and glanced over at Tommy, watching him shift his weight restlessly for a moment before she turned her attention back to Merton. "Well it's a step in the right direction, anyway."

He stopped himself from asking her which direction she meant, partly because he was pretty sure he already knew and partly because he didn't want to have that conversation with her. There would be plenty of time when they were back at college for Lori to torture him about Tommy, and he wasn't in a hurry for her to start. Instead he distracted himself with looking around the club, his nervousness increasing with every face he recognized. "Is this really a good idea?" he asked.

"It's the weirdest thing," Lori answered, following Merton's gaze to a group of Tommy's former teammates. "Ever since he had it out with his dad Tommy's all about living dangerously. Either that or he's totally oblivious, but I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing. I guess after his own father beat the hell out of him and threw him out of the house getting hassled by a bunch of college kids wouldn't make much difference."

Merton winced at the mention of Tommy's father; it was the first time anyone had said more or less what happened when Tommy came out, and even though it was exactly what Merton expected the image was still disturbing. "I guess not," he said, steeling himself against the curious stares being directed toward them as Tommy made his way back across the room. If Tommy wasn't bothered by his old friends looking at them like they were some kind of freak show Merton wasn't going to let it bother him, at least not in front of Tommy. It was exactly what he'd told himself he wanted back when he and Tommy were still together, so he wasn't about to let on that the staring bothered him now.

"So how's life in The Fortress?" Tommy asked, grinning at Lori's scowl.

"I don't know why I bothered to come home," she said. "I mean I think I've seen my parents a total of four times in the past week, and once was when they drove by me on their way out."

"I thought you came home to see your friends."

"I did, but you'd think they could at least pencil me into their schedule," Lori answered. "Although I guess I shouldn't expect them to act any different than they did when I was still in high school. Not everybody can have perfect parents like Merton's."

"Tell me about it," Tommy said, picking up his soda and glancing in the direction of the dance floor. Merton felt like kicking Lori for bringing up the subject of lousy parents, but before he had a chance to react Tommy turned back to her and grinned. "Hey, maybe they'd let you move in too. What do you think, Merton?"

He laughed and listened to Lori shift the subject to school, focusing more on Tommy's end of the conversation than hers. He'd heard most of her stories before, and anyway he was more interested in what Tommy did with his free time than hearing about Lori's friends. From what he could tell Tommy spent most of his time at school or at work, although every so often he'd mention a name Merton had never heard before. He didn't want to jump to conclusions about the people in Tommy's life, but it was hard not to wish he was one of them.

Sitting at the table with Lori and Tommy he could almost imagine what it would have been like if Tommy had just told his father the truth before they broke up. He told himself not to wonder if they'd still be together, but once he thought it the question wouldn't quite go away. Maybe it would have been rough in the beginning, but his parents would still have been there and Tommy would have gotten over it eventually. Going to State would have been a lot different than going to Amherst, but he would have traded it if he'd known back then.

Of course there was still the question of whether or not Tommy would even want him anymore. Maybe now that he was out he'd realized that he could do better, or at least that he could live without Merton. He had to be popular on campus, at least in certain circles. Everybody always loved Tommy, and he was just as gorgeous now as he had been in high school.

One of them said his name and he looked up, thankful the lights were dim so they wouldn't see him blush. "Sorry, what?"

"I was just telling Tommy how you're the belle of the chemistry department," Lori said, smirking at the look his shot her. "What? Don't try to pretend you don't love it. I swear he goes out more than me."

"Yeah, to chapter reviews and guest lectures," Merton shot back, stealing an embarrassed glance at Tommy. He didn't want Tommy to think his life at Amherst was as pathetic as his life in Pleasantville had been, but for reasons he couldn't explain he didn't want Tommy thinking he'd moved on completely from the person he used to be. "My life isn't that exciting."

"Whatever you say." She smiled and picked up her glass, draining the rest of her soda before she set it back down on the table and stood up. "Sorry to drink and run, guys, but I've gotta go. My parents will have a hissy fit if I'm not back before my cousins show up."

"We just got here," Merton said, glancing at his watch as she shrugged her jacket back on. He was surprised to find they'd already been sitting at the table for half an hour, but it still seemed strange that she was leaving so soon when she'd been expecting to be alone with Tommy.

"Well you guys can stay," she said, flashing her best innocent smile as she picked up her keys and took a few steps backwards. "If I don't see you before Christmas, you know…have a better time than I'm having."

Merton glanced at Tommy to see if he was at all bothered by Lori's sudden departure, but Tommy just waved at her retreating figure and turned back to the table. "You want another soda?" he asked, gesturing toward Merton's half-full glass.

"No, thanks," Merton answered, frowning down at his glass for a second before he looked back up at Tommy. "Lori left in a hurry."

"Yeah, I knew she had to get home," Tommy said. "No big deal, I mean you're here, right?"

Now Merton was sure he'd missed some essential part of the conversation, but he let it go and pretended that there was nothing weird about sitting in The Factory with Tommy. So maybe Tommy had just invited him along because he didn't want to sit there by himself; it made more sense than Tommy actually wanting to hang out with him. He ignored the surge of disappointment that thought brought on and shifted nervously in his chair.

"So you like going to State?" He would have rolled his eyes at the idiotic question if Tommy didn't look so eager to answer it, even if he was just talking to break up the awkwardness between them.

"It's okay. I mean it's not like I have a lot to compare it to, you know? But for the most part people leave me alone, and it's nice not having football practice every day. I miss playing sometimes, but my job and school keep me pretty busy."

"So are you…I mean…" Merton was sure Tommy could see his cheeks blazing even in the darkness of the club as he tried to figure out a way to ask Tommy about his social life. He didn't want to come right out and ask, but it seemed like Tommy would at least have some friends. "You know…you're making friends, right?"

"Yeah, I know a few people. When I first moved in with your folks your mom hooked me up with the chick that runs the gay and lesbian alliance on campus, she was nice. She introduced me around, I hang out with them sometimes. There aren't too many of us and it was kind of weird at first, but I got used to it. I'm sure you know what that's like."

"Yeah, I mean I didn't join a club or anything, but I know some people. Mostly I'm so busy with classes and lab work that I forget where I live half the time."

"So are you seeing anybody?"

Merton almost choked on the mouthful of soda he was in the process of swallowing, forcing the liquid down and coughing before he looked at Tommy again. It was bad enough that Tommy had come right out and asked the question Merton hadn't been able to spit out, but he had to answer by practically spitting his soda all over Tommy. "No, I mean I've dated, but no. Not right now. What about you?"

"I go out with the guys and stuff, but I'm not really ready to date," Tommy said, not quite meeting Merton's gaze as he picked up his glass and swallowed the rest of his soda. Merton wasn't sure if he should take that as Tommy's way of saying he didn't want to get back together or if it was Tommy's way of saying he wasn't over Merton, but before he made up his mind Tommy stood up and picked up their glasses. "I'll be right back."

Okay, so this wasn't a date. Of course it wasn't a date, considering it had started off as Tommy and Lori catching up and morphed into all three of them making small talk about college. Maybe Lori really did have to get home to entertain her cousins, she'd mentioned them to Merton before so he knew they at least existed. He wished he could tell what Tommy was thinking, or at least whether or not there was anything going on between them. It would be a lot easier if he could just come right out and ask, but he'd never been any good at being direct and he didn't want to scare Tommy away if he wasn't interested. He was surprised to find himself wanting to keep Tommy in his life, even if it meant they had to be just friends.

"You know I'm glad you came home for Christmas," Tommy said when he came back with two new sodas. "I missed having you around."

"I missed you too, Tommy," Merton answered, the honesty of the statement making his palms sweat. Tommy didn't look surprised by it at all, though, so Merton decided to take a chance. "It's good to see you so happy, I was worried about you. You are happy, right?"

"Most of the time," Tommy answered, his expression unreadable as he held Merton's gaze. A second later he shrugged and looked away, leaving Merton to wonder all over again what he was missing. "I try not to think about it too much."

Merton resisted the urge to ask Tommy what exactly he meant by 'it'. If Tommy meant them he'd just feel guilty, and if he said something about his family Merton would just be disappointed. It was stupid to bring up the subject of Tommy's happiness anyway, it wasn't like he was going to break down and tell Merton he couldn't go on without him. "Listen, Tommy, about what Lori said the other day…about me not letting her talk about you at school…"

"Forget it," Tommy interrupted, holding up his hand to stop Merton from continuing. "I don't blame you, I probably deserved it. Anyway it's not like I tried to track you down to say I was sorry or anything. I let you leave, so it's just as much my fault."

Part of Merton still couldn't believe they were sitting together in public, calmly having a conversation about the way they broke up. It didn't seem like it should be happening this way, if anything there should be drama and shouting and maybe even a few tears. In his imagination when he saw Tommy again there was tension and lots of furtive glancing across a crowded room, then they always went their separate ways and Merton had another six months' worth of obsessing from one chance encounter. Never in his imagination had it been so…civilized. Part of him still wanted to shout at Tommy that he wasn't over it, that it still hurt to breathe when he pictured Tommy's face and heard him say those words.

He couldn't do it, though, not when Tommy was sitting next to him looking…well, like he was trying to figure out how to get his best friend back. He still had Lori, but until that moment Merton had never given much thought to what they'd really lost along the way. At some point, maybe even before they became a couple, they were friends, and when they broke up that was gone too. He probably new more about Tommy's family than anybody else did, even Merton's parents. He definitely knew more than most people about what Tommy wanted out of life, at least what he'd wanted back in high school. The full force of how much he'd missed while they weren't speaking hit him, and it was all he could do not to collapse from the weight of the realization.

"Tommy, are we…I mean I know a lot's happened but can we…do you think we can be friends again?"

It wasn't exactly the way he'd planned for it to come out, but he was having trouble forming thoughts, let alone getting them into a language someone else could understand. It was worth it when Tommy grinned at him, though, his eyes shining with a mixture of relief and hope that Merton hadn't seen since high school. "Yeah. I'd really like that."

Merton mirrored his smile back to him, his heart skipping a beat as he took a moment to really look at Tommy. They were the same green eyes he'd know anywhere, the same smile and that voice he imagined hearing in the unlikeliest places. None of it seemed real, though, and if Tommy hadn't been watching he might have pinched himself to make sure he was awake. It probably wouldn't seem like much to most people, just an offer of friendship. But to Merton it seemed like more than he'd let himself hope for in a long time.


	40. Chapter 40

Ever since they agreed to be friends things had been…different. Merton couldn't really put his finger on how, but it was almost like the air between him and Tommy was charged. It happened whenever they found themselves in the same room together, and Merton wasn't really sure what to do about it. He'd gone so far as to consider resorting to hiding in his room again, but if he did that Tommy would know he was avoiding him.

Sometimes he thought Tommy could feel it too, that he had to know that Merton still thought about them. Not that it mattered what Merton thought about. He'd promised himself they were just going to be friends, and that was what they were going to be. He wasn't going to get caught up in his feelings for Tommy just because they were speaking again after six months of silence. It hurt too much to get over it last time, and he wasn't going to put himself through that again. He didn't even know how Tommy had felt about him in high school, for all he knew Tommy was just being nice.

He'd been trying not to think about it, because wondering what Tommy was thinking when they were under the same roof was dangerous. It was hard not to, though, especially when they'd been sitting across from each other at the kitchen table for most of the morning. He stole another glance at Tommy, smiling unconsciously as he watched the other boy's forehead furrow in response to something he was reading in the sports section.

"I can't believe they traded Martinez."

"Who?" Merton asked, his heart skipping a beat when Tommy glanced up at him with a sheepish grin.

"Nothing, just reading about the off-season trades. I thought you were into baseball."

"I like watching it," Merton answered. He was too shocked that Tommy remembered that to be embarrassed that Tommy obviously knew a lot more about it than he did. "I don't really follow it, though."

Tommy grinned again and shook his head before he turned back to the article he'd been reading. For the first time in his life Merton wished that he did know something about baseball, if only to give him a reason to talk to Tommy. He didn't even know that Tommy read the paper, but he'd been sitting there for over an hour doing exactly that. Merton hoped Tommy wouldn't wonder why he was just sitting there, but he couldn't bring himself to get up and go find something else to do. There was something about even sitting in silence with Tommy, kind of like they'd been sitting across the breakfast table from each other every morning of their lives.

Finally Tommy folded the paper and pushed it aside, reaching for the cup of coffee he'd let get cold. "You know I still haven't really gotten the hang of drinking this stuff. Guess I'm just not a coffee person."

"It's good with chocolate syrup," Merton said. "At least the dorm coffee's good that way."

"I'll have to try that sometime." Tommy stood up and carried his mug to the sink, rinsing it before he set it down and turned to lean against the counter. "So you like living in the dorm? You like your roommate?"

Merton shrugged and leaned back in his chair, fighting the urge to let his gaze wander from Tommy's curious expression down his broad chest. It took more effort than he wanted to admit, but he wasn't about to let Tommy catch him checking him out. "He's alright. I hardly ever see him, he's in a frat. I think he's planning to move into the frat house next semester. So unless they assign somebody else to my room I guess I'll have the place to myself."

"Oh yeah?" Tommy shifted and crossed his arms over his chest, looking away for a second before he turned back to Merton. "That would be pretty cool, right? I mean having all that privacy."

"I guess. I'm not there that much," Merton answered, frowning as he tried to figure out why Tommy was so interested in his living arrangements. Maybe he was just curious about what it was like to live in the dorm, he hadn't gotten that experience yet and it was possible he never would. "I spend most of my time in the Chemistry lab or the Science Library. So mostly I'm just there to eat and sleep."

"You go out, though, right? I mean you can't study all the time."

"No…I mean sure, I go out. Hang out with my friends, go for coffee, that kind of thing. There's not that much to do in Amherst."

"Yeah, but there are five colleges right in town, aren't there? So there must be a lot of parties and stuff."

"I guess so," Merton answered. Okay, so Tommy had heard about Amherst's five-college circuit from Merton's parents. Maybe he was curious about what it would be like to go to college away from home, in an actual 'college town'. For all practical purposes Tommy was still living at home and going to school, so maybe he was just curious about what a more traditional college experience was like. "I mean there are the frat parties on campus and at the University of Massachusetts, but I don't go to them that often. I'm not really a big fan of beer, and there's not much else to do at those things. I'm sure they're no different from the parties you guys have here."

"Guess not," Tommy said, his expression turning thoughtful. He fell silent and for a second Merton wondered if maybe the conversation was over, but before he thought of a valid excuse for leaving the kitchen Tommy started talking again.

"Listen, I'm supposed to go out with the guys tonight," he said, casting a quick glance in Merton's direction without really meeting his gaze. "It's no big deal, we're just going to hear some garage band play at that bar near campus. But I was thinking…you know, if you're not doing anything, maybe you'd want to come. It's just gonna be a few of us, probably nothing compared to the shows at your school but…"

For a minute Merton just sat there and stared back at Tommy, his eyes wide as he tried to convince himself that Tommy wasn't asking him out. No, they were just friends, and Tommy was asking him to go out with a bunch of his other friends. So it was no big deal, just some guys hanging out and listening to what would probably turn out to be bad music.

"Sure, Tommy," he answered, almost before he realized he'd made up his mind. "Sounds like fun."

"Great." Tommy's brief, dazzling smile made Merton glad he was already sitting down, and relieved he hadn't come up with some reason why he couldn't go out with Tommy and his friends. No matter how bad the band was or how nervous he was at the thought of meeting Tommy's friends, that smile made it all worth it. He was just glad Tommy didn't know that, or Merton would never be able to look at him again.

~

The worst date of Merton's life was probably the time he found himself at a mixer thrown by Amherst's only gay fraternity. He and his date – if he could count showing up at a building at the same time as someone when he didn't see them again for the rest of the night a date – didn't have much in common to begin with, but after spending an hour as the only sober person in the house he got bored and went back to the dorm. There had been a few awkward moments on his handful of more successful dates since he got to college, but all of them paled in comparison to the way it felt to be wedged into a booth next to Tommy, listening to a bad cover band and drinking lukewarm soda.

Not that he could call what they were doing a date, because they were just friends. That was how Tommy had introduced Merton to his friends from school, all of whom said hello and looked him over once before ignoring the fact that he was sitting at the table. But he could handle a boring night of bad music and feeling invisible; the thing making it hard to sit still was the way Tommy kept leaning into him to shout over the music. Their thighs were already pressed together thanks to the shortage of seating, but every time Tommy turned to explain some detail of whatever story was being told Merton was a little more aware of how close they were.

He'd put his arm across the back of the bench nearly as soon as they sat down, a gesture Merton had assumed at first was unconscious. Only every time Tommy pulled his arm away to reach for his drink or gesture for the waitress he put it right back around Merton's shoulders, not quite touching but close enough to make Merton wonder. It felt way too familiar, and there was nothing he could do about the memories of Tommy's touch that resurfaced every time the other boy so much as shifted his weight.

The result was that Merton was warmer than even the crowded club dictated, and he'd been reduced to praying that Tommy wouldn't somehow notice the affect he was having on Merton. It was dark enough in the club that he hadn't started worrying too much yet, but they had to leave sometime and so far he hadn't had any luck getting his hormones under control. He'd tried convincing himself that it was just because he'd been too busy with school to date for the past month or so, but whenever he thought about the fact that it was Tommy pressed up against him it just made matters worse.

Eventually he gave up trying to tell himself he was only reacting to the circumstances he found himself in, but as soon as he admitted the truth to himself he told himself nothing could come of it. Maybe if he and Tommy lived in the same town – maybe if they saw each other all the time, if they could go on regular dates and really get to know each other again, maybe then things would be different. After the past two days he was almost sure that Tommy might even be interested, but it didn't matter. No matter what they both wanted, Tommy still lived in Pleasantville and Merton lived more than 1500 miles away.

He stifled a sigh at that thought and lifted his glass, taking a sip of room temperature soda and forcing himself to watch the band. This wasn't the way his vacation was supposed to go, and he wasn't sure anymore how he felt about the fact that he and Tommy were trying to be friends. He was the one that asked Tommy if they could put the past behind them, but if he'd known how hard it was going to be he might not have. Being Tommy's boyfriend had always made him feel special, even back when they were the only two people in the world that knew what was going on between them. He wasn't sure how to feel about being one of Tommy's friends, just another face at a table full of people that had some claim on Tommy's life.

Maybe part of the reason he hoped Tommy was still attracted to him was because he missed feeling like he was special in someone's life. Even if they couldn't do anything about it, it would have been nice to know for sure that he wasn't alone in wishing things had turned out differently between them. Or maybe he just wanted to know that Tommy had been suffering all this time, torturing himself with a million unanswerable 'what ifs' the way Merton had been. It was selfish to expect Tommy to think about him when he'd been dealing with losing his family and starting over from scratch, and he felt bad about it. Feeling bad for being selfish didn't help him stop wishing it was true, though.

The hand that had been hovering near his shoulder all evening brushed against him, startling him out of his brooding long enough to look over at Tommy. "You okay?" Tommy asked when he looked up. "You're not having a good time, are you?"

"I'm fine," Merton lied, forcing a weak smile.

"Sorry about the band," Tommy continued as though Merton hadn't answered. "I knew they weren't gonna be great, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. Ray's boyfriend is the bassist. Or maybe the drummer. I'm not sure. Anyway that's the only reason we're here."

He wasn't sure which one of the guys at the table was Ray, but it didn't really matter. What mattered was that Tommy could tell something was bothering him, and if he kept brooding Tommy would figure out what it was. "It's okay, really. I didn't even know there were any garage bands in town. I didn't know there was anything new to learn about Pleasantville, either."

"Well technically they're from Henderson," Tommy said. "At least that's where the basement they practice in is."

"So do you guys do this a lot?" Merton asked, thankful for the darkness in the club so Tommy wouldn't see the blush that stained his cheeks as soon as the question escaped his lips. "Come see these guys play, I mean."

"I've never seen them before. If I had I wouldn't have dragged you here with me, I know these guys aren't really your style."

"No, I'm glad you asked me," Merton said, blushing an even darker shade of red that he was almost sure Tommy would be able to see even in the dim light of the club. "I mean they're not that bad."

Tommy laughed and turned back to the stage, but he didn't pull his hand away from Merton's shoulder. He wasn't sure what to think of the touch or even if Tommy was aware that he was doing it. Maybe he was used to putting his arm around whichever one of his friends he happened to be talking to, or maybe he was just developing a more overtly flirtatious style now that he was getting comfortable with being openly gay. Either way it didn't mean anything. At least Merton didn't think it meant anything.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before Tommy turned to look at him again, but by the time the body next to his shifted he was so tense from trying not to move out of Tommy's touch that he was grateful for the chance to shift on the wooden bench. Tommy leaned into him at the same time that Merton turned to look at him, his cheek brushing against Tommy's nose. The contact lasted less than a second before Tommy pulled back and mumbled an apology, but Merton couldn't deny the rush of desire that came along with the sense of familiarity the touch brought on.

"My fault," he heard himself say, heat creeping up his neck and into his face as he watched Tommy's mouth turn up in a sheepish grin. "Were you gonna say something?"

"Yeah," Tommy answered, something unrecognizable flickering in his eyes for a second, "I was gonna ask if you wanted to get out of here."

"Oh. I mean sure…I mean if you're ready to go," Merton stammered in one long breath, his cheeks blazing so hot he wouldn't have been surprised to find he was glowing. "I mean we don't have to…"

"Let's go," Tommy said, the hand that was still on Merton's shoulder moving down his back to guide him out of the booth. He turned long enough to make an excuse to his friends before he pulled his jacket on and followed Merton out of the club.

Neither of them said anything until they were inside the hearse, but as soon as Merton closed his door against the cold winter air he ventured a glance at Tommy. "Did you want to go home?"

"I was thinking maybe we could just go for a drive," Tommy said, stretching his arm along the back of the seat. "If you want. I mean if you want to just go home that's cool too."

"No, it's early," Merton said a little too quickly. He turned the key in the ignition and took a deep breath to steady his nerves before he backed out of his parking space. "I mean a drive sounds good. I wouldn't mind seeing how much things haven't changed around here."

Tommy grinned and settled a little further into the seat, his fingers just brushing Merton's collar as he stretched out. Merton wasn't sure it was intentional, but that tiny touch was enough to send a shiver down his spine. He stole a quick glance at Tommy's profile before he pulled out onto the deserted street, hoping he could keep his mind on the road and not on the boy sitting next to him.


	41. Chapter 41

Neither one of them brought up where they were going or even if they were going anywhere in particular; they just drove through Pleasantville's quiet downtown and onto the state road that led toward the airport. A hush fell over the car, and as hard as Merton tried to relax he found himself gripping the steering wheel a little tighter than usual. It shouldn't have been so uncomfortable to sit next to Tommy without saying anything, but he couldn't help wondering if Tommy could feel the tension between them. He wanted to say something to break the silence, turn the radio on or even ask inane questions about Tommy's classes. He was afraid if he made any kind of move it would ruin whatever was happening between them, though, so he just kept his hands on the wheel and drove.

He didn't realize where he was going until he began to slow down on the highway outside of town, turning the car onto the gravel driveway that led to the burned-out remains of the Jensen place. In the dark, nearly moonless night the building looked even more ominous, and it was easy to see why the local kids had talked each other into believing it was haunted. He pulled the car around to the back of the building and shut off the engine, his gaze locked on the dark building as he tried to think of something to say.

"This place brings back memories," Tommy said, his voice so soft that at first Merton wasn't sure whether Tommy expected an answer.

"I guess so, all the parties here," Merton said. He ventured a glance at Tommy to find the other boy watching him, swallowing hard and turning to stare out the windshield again. "Sorry, you probably don't want to think about high school. We can go if you want."

"I was thinking about the last time we were here." Tommy watched him for another moment, then he shifted and reached for the door handle. "Have you ever been in there?"

"No," Merton answered automatically. He turned to look at Tommy, his heart pounding too hard against his ribcage as he wondered what memories Tommy was talking about. They'd only been here once, the day they first talked about what was going on between them. It was the closest either of them had ever come to admitting how they felt, and Merton couldn't help wondering why Tommy was thinking about that day.

"Come on," Tommy said, stepping out of the car before he leaned back in to look at Merton. "I want to show you something."

Merton nodded and opened his door, a shiver hitting him as he stepped out of the car and looked over at Tommy. He wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from a sudden rush of fear, but he knew there was nothing he could do but follow Tommy. It was freezing out, cold wind nipping at his face and the smell of impending snow in the air, but he barely registered the temperature as they fell into step together.

They stepped over a board that was hanging loosely from the bottom of the open doorframe, pausing just inside to let their eyes adjust to the darkness. It wasn't much warmer out of the wind, and Merton turned to seek out Tommy's silhouette. "What are we doing?" he asked.

"You know how much time I spent in this place in high school?" Tommy asked. Merton could just barely make out his features in the sliver of moonlight shining in through the missing wall on the far side of the house, but he could see well enough to know that Tommy was looking right at him.

"I don't know, it wasn't the kind of thing I got invited to," Merton answered, an edge creeping into his voice as he wondered why Tommy had dragged him out into the cold just to talk about high school. He was the one that drove them out to the farm, but they could have taken Tommy's walk down memory lane in the car.

"Yeah, I guess not. You were lucky, you know."

"How do you figure that?" Merton asked.

"You could do whatever you wanted in high school. Everybody already thought what they were gonna think about you anyway, so you could just be whoever you wanted to be and nobody thought anything of it." Tommy paused and looked around at the walls surrounding them, scowling at the graffiti on the weathered boards and the bottles littering the ground. "Look at this place. I hated it here. Hanging out in a creepy, burnt-out house, drinking whatever people could steal from their parents' liquor cabinets and pretending we were having a good time. I never felt like I belonged here, I always knew my life was one big lie. But I kept coming because I knew the one time I didn't people would start to talk."

Merton had heard Tommy pretty close to cracking under the stress of the image he had to live up to in high school, but he'd never heard him actually feeling sorry for himself. It was weird to hear Tommy talking about how miserable he'd been in high school; even though Merton had suspected it at the time, he never expected to hear Tommy say it out loud. "Tommy…"

"I was jealous of you, you know," Tommy continued, talking right over Merton as though he hadn't said anything. "That day in the locker room, when I first asked you if you were gay, do you remember that?"

"Yeah, of course."

"The reason I asked you that day was because I wanted to see if you'd admit it. Every time I saw you in the halls for four years I thought to myself, 'now that's a brave guy'. So I asked, because I wanted to see if you were brave enough to admit that too."

"So you were testing me." Merton frowned and wrapped his arms a little tighter around him, shivering as the cold began to seep through his jacket. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"I don't know. I guess maybe because I want you to know how hard it was for me. If you knew how long it took me to work up the nerve just to go to your house and see if you were okay after T'n'T put you in the hospital…" Tommy shivered this time, although Merton was pretty sure it didn't have anything to do with the weather. "The shit you put up with, and you never backed down. Even in the end you didn't back down."

"Tommy, we don't have to do this," Merton said quietly, but he could hear the hint of desperation creeping into his voice. "It's over now, we can just leave it in the past."

Even before he finished talking Tommy was shaking his head, and Merton felt his heart sink as he realized the other boy was determined to go through with his speech. He had no idea where any of it was going, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"No, I need to…please just let me say this, okay?"

Merton nodded and bit his lip to keep from arguing, steeling himself against whatever was coming. A few minutes ago he'd been so sure there was some kind of spark between them, some leftover attraction that was starting to grow again. Now he wasn't so sure if Tommy was trying to get him back or if he was just looking for closure.

"When I told my dad I was gay…I thought I was gonna die. I really thought he was gonna kill me. He might have, I guess, if my brother and his friend hadn't pulled him off me. The day I got out of the hospital I found out that he'd tossed all my stuff out of the house. Just threw it on the front lawn and that was it. I haven't seen any of them since my brother's friend drove me to the hospital. So I went to your mom because I didn't know what else to do. Part of me expected her to kick me out, I guess because I was so used to it."

"It's good that you went to her," Merton said. He felt stupid the second the words came out of his mouth, but he wasn't sure what else to say. The idea of Tommy's father trying to kill him made his stomach turn, and he couldn't help feeling partially responsible. "Tommy, I'm sorry…"

"No, it's good," Tommy interrupted. "If you hadn't had enough that day at school…if I hadn't been a complete coward and walked away you might have stuck it out. Your parents told me you were thinking about staying home last summer, but you changed your mind at the last minute. If you'd stayed around I might still be lying to my dad and everybody else. I'd still be playing football and sneaking around and making your life hell."

Merton bit his lip to keep from pointing out that if Tommy was still in the closet by now they would have broken up anyway. It might have happened later and probably less dramatically, but it would have happened eventually. There was no way they could have kept their relationship a secret indefinitely, and Merton wouldn't have been able to live like that forever. So either they would have drifted apart in a long-distance relationship, or Merton would have given up Amherst and ended up resenting Tommy.

A soft sigh escaped Tommy's throat and Merton had to stop himself from crossing the distance between them, reaching out to touch Tommy and let him know without words that he understood. He knew what Tommy was trying to say, but he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve the credit for forcing Tommy to stand up for who he was, no more than he deserved a second chance at having Tommy in his life.

"What I'm trying to say here is I'm sorry," Tommy said, his voice softer and a little hesitant. "I just wanted you to know."

"I know, Tommy. I'm sorry too," Merton said, forcing the words out around the lump in his throat. "I should have been here. When your dad…" He trailed off, his voice cracking on the last word. "I should have been here."

Tommy didn't answer right away, and Merton wondered if maybe he was trying not to cry. The memory of his family's rejection was probably still pretty vivid, and Merton wished for the first time that he really had been there for Tommy when he finally came out. It would have put a strain on their relationship and maybe they would have broken up anyway, but Tommy shouldn't have had to go through that alone.

"I lied that day…to Chad and the others. I lied and said you were nothing to me because I was scared. I was scared of what they'd do to you. I mean yeah, part of me wasn't ready to deal with coming out, but part of me wanted to. Part of me wanted to since sophomore year, when you walked into English class and sat down right in front of me. I spent a whole year just staring at the back of your neck, wishing I was brave enough just to say hi."

It was freezing; so cold that Merton couldn't feel the wind cutting through his clothes anymore, and he couldn't feel the tips of his fingers inside his gloves. He didn't care about frostbite or exposure or even whether or not he was breathing anymore, though. All he cared about was that Tommy had just said he'd had a crush on Merton since sophomore year. Since they were fifteen, and he'd waited two and a half years to do anything about it. "Jesus, Tommy," was all he managed to force out through the jumble of confusing thoughts in his brain.

"I know, it's pathetic," Tommy said, letting out a shaky laugh that Merton would have found endearing if he wasn't so busy trying to keep his knees from giving out. "Mostly I just hoped it would go away, but it didn't and then when I actually got to know you…" He trailed off and looked down at the ground in front of him. "You were the only good thing I ever had, and I screwed it up. I don't blame you for leaving, but even when you did I couldn't just shut my feelings off."

"How did you feel?" Merton asked, the words escaping his lips before he could stop them. He hadn't meant to ask it, but as soon as he did he wanted to know more than anything.

"You really have to ask?"

"Yeah, Tommy. I'm sorry but I'm not a mind reader."

Tommy took a deep breath and looked up again, a nervous grin turning up the corners of his mouth. "I guess not. I loved you, Merton. I know you've got a whole new life now and it's probably too late, but I still love you."

Love. Six months ago Merton would have given anything to hear those words come out of Tommy's mouth. Even now, while they were standing in an abandoned farmhouse most likely freezing to death, the words made his pulse race. The fact that Tommy had ever loved him would have been enough, but knowing that Tommy still felt that way…he shook his head to clear the fog that was threatening to settle in his brain, forcing himself back to reality before he looked back up at Tommy.

"Are you saying…I mean so much has happened, you've got a whole new life now too. Are you really saying you want to get back together?"

"Yeah. That's all I've ever wanted," Tommy answered.

"But you never said anything," Merton said, his forehead furrowed as he tried to make sense of what was happening. If it wasn't for the fact that his skin was stinging from the wind he'd think he was dreaming, that any minute he'd wake up and he'd be back at Amherst the night before he was supposed to fly home for break.

"I didn't think you'd want to hear it. You wouldn't even let Lori mention my name, and I knew from her and your parents that you'd moved on. What was I supposed to think?"

All this time…if he'd just listened to Lori's painful updates on Tommy's life, or asked his parents if they'd seen him around campus, they might have had this conversation months ago. He could have come home between his summer program and the start of fall semester, or at least they could have been exchanging e-mails for the past six months. "It hurt," he murmured, so quietly he was sure Tommy couldn't hear him. "Even hearing your name…"

He stopped talking abruptly and looked up, his eyes wide as reality chose that moment to make its presence known. It couldn't work, not with him living 1500 miles away. No matter how much they loved each other they couldn't make a long-distance relationship work. They were too young and they had too much working against them already.

"Merton," Tommy said, his voice suddenly closer than it had been a minute ago. Merton watched Tommy take a final step toward him, stopping just short of actually reaching out and touching him. "Do you…I mean, how do you feel? About me."

"I love you," Merton answered, surprised at how easily the words rolled off his tongue. He'd always expected them to be harder to say somehow, something he'd have to work up to. "But it can't work, Tommy. I live in Amherst and you're here. Long-distance relationships are statistically doomed to failure."

A soft laugh escaped Tommy's throat, then he did reach out to rest one hand on Merton's cheek. His fingers felt like ice against Merton's skin, and he realized for the first time that Tommy wasn't wearing any gloves. "You're freezing," he whispered, reaching up automatically to cover Tommy's hand with his.

"So are you," Tommy answered. "I know it won't be easy, Merton, but just think about it, okay?"

Merton nodded mutely, his icy cheek rubbing against Tommy's fingers. He expected Tommy to lean forward and press their lips together, but instead of kissing him Tommy smiled and pulled his hand away from Merton's cheek. He entwined their fingers together and tugged Merton gently in the direction of the car, not letting go until they reached the car and climbed inside. Merton fumbled with the keys for a minute, his fingers stiff from the cold. Finally he got the key in the ignition and started the car, rubbing his hands together as he waited for the engine to warm up enough to heat up the car.

"So hypothetically speaking," Merton said, casting a sidelong glance at Tommy, "if we decided to do this how did you see it working?"

"Hypothetically," Tommy echoed, grinning at the look Merton shot him, "you'd stop dating whoever it is you've been dating at school. And you'd actually write to me this time like you said you were going to this summer."

Merton winced at the reminder of his promise to show Tommy how to e-mail him, deciding against reminding the other boy of why it had been a moot point when he left. "So you learned how to use e-mail while I was gone?"

"Yeah, Becky showed me," Tommy answered. "I e-mail Lori all the time. She keeps me updated on both your lives."

Merton was going to have to do something really nice for Lori when they got back to school. He was lucky she wasn't the type to hold a grudge, because if she was she probably could have convinced Tommy he wasn't worth the effort. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot," Tommy answered, leaning forward to press his hands against the vent as the heat finally kicked in.

"What is it you and Becky are always whispering about?"

A soft chuckle escaped Tommy's throat as Merton put the car in gear and rolled down the driveway. "Well technically I'm not supposed to tell you, but as long as you promise…"

"Tommy."

"Boys," Tommy finally relented, grinning when Merton looked over at him. "What else is there to talk about?"

"My sister asks your advice about her love life?" Merton shook his head and let out a heavy sigh. "That just figures."

"What? She's still pissed that you held out on her for four years. She says if she'd known in junior high that you were gay she could have gotten some tips a lot sooner."

"She didn't need advice on boys in junior high," Merton grumbled. "I'm not so sure she needs advice on boys now."

Tommy laughed and leaned back again, stretching his arm along the back of the seat and letting his hand rest against the back of Merton's neck. This time there was no question that the touch was intentional, and Merton smiled to himself as he pointed the car toward home. So maybe his Christmas break hadn't turned out anything like he expected it to, but change wasn't such a bad thing. And maybe Tommy was right and they could make it work the second time around.


	42. Chapter 42

A bag lay open on the single bed nearest the door, randomly stacked piles of clothes surrounding it. Merton stood in the center of the room with his hands on his hips, trying to decide how many clothes he really needed for a week at home. He'd packed more than he needed for Christmas break, but that was three weeks and it was a lot colder in Pleasantville then. Not that it was exactly warm in the first week of April, but at least the chances of snow were pretty slim.

All his friends had teased him about turning down the chance to go with them to some warm, semi-tropical climate where there would be crowds of college students and way too much sun and alcohol. None of it bothered him, though, not when he knew what was waiting for him at home. There was his family, of course; it was always nice to see them and he and Becky were even e-mailing pretty regularly now. It was weird to actually get along with his sister, but she was starting to act a lot more human as she got older. Maybe he'd changed a little too, figured out what things were worth fighting for and what to let go.

Whatever the reason, it was nice to get one of her long, rambling e-mails about her friends and her social life and whatever commentary she made on their parents and Tommy. He'd never paid enough attention to his sister to realize she shared his sarcastic sense of humor, but it turned out she was pretty funny. Not that his sister was the real reason he was going home for spring break when he could have gone to Panama City Beach with his friends.

A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts, and he wiped the grin that had begun to form off his face before he turned and pulled it open. As soon as he realized who it was his grin returned, and he stood aside to let Lori in before he closed the door behind her. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd be halfway to Mexico by now."

"My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow," she answered, eyeing the piles of clothes on his bed before she sat down in the only chair in the room. "Amy's still got one more midterm today. I'm surprised you're not already packed. Thought you'd be so excited to get home that you'd be ready a week early."

He rolled his eyes but didn't deny it, avoiding looking at her by shifting some of the clothes on his bed into even more random piles. "Like I've had time to think about it. Midterms were brutal, and I have a paper due the day we get back. I wanted to finish it before I left so I wouldn't have to worry about it at home."

"So you wouldn't have anything to distract you from Tommy, you mean."

He smiled at the mention of Tommy's name and glanced over at her, shaking his head at her smirk. "I keep telling you there's really nothing going on."

"Uh huh. That's why you stopped dating anybody at school. And why I barely ever hear from Tommy anymore. I used to get these long e-mails all about school and how much he missed you, and now I get like two sentences once a week if I'm lucky."

"Maybe he's just busy with school." He picked up a pile of shirts and then set them back down again with a heavy sigh. "Why is packing for a week so much harder than packing for a month?"

"You're hopeless," she said, shaking her head as she watched him put a stack of clothes in his bag and then take them back out again. "The only reason you're freaking out about a few shirts is because you're nervous about seeing Tommy. You guys have known each other forever, what's to worry about?"

There was no easy way for him to answer that question, not without telling her everything that had happened since Christmas break. All she really knew was that he and Tommy were working some things out, neither of them had told anybody what was really going on between them. Part of the reason for that was because they weren't even sure yet, and neither of them wanted to talk about it until they were sure it was going to work the second time. Tommy seemed pretty confident, but Merton was having a hard time not worrying about the distance and what it would do to them eventually.

He'd agreed to stop seeing other people before they even got back to the house that night in December, and the way Tommy stopped him just before he opened the front door and kissed him made it worth anything Tommy asked him to give up. Things hadn't gone much further than an occasional stolen kiss; Merton could tell Tommy was trying not to pressure him, and he wanted to take things slowly. Knowing how Tommy felt about him made it hard not to rush right back into a relationship, but the pain of losing Tommy the first time was still vivid enough to keep him from making that mistake.

Even the e-mails they exchanged on an almost daily basis were guarded at first, as if Tommy was trying to hold back as much as Merton. Eventually they'd both gotten more comfortable with the idea of seeing each other again, though, and Merton had been looking forward to spring break almost since he got back to school after Christmas. That didn't mean he wasn't nervous about seeing Tommy again, but he wasn't sure how to explain to Lori what he was so worried about.

Part of it was knowing how much he'd missed Tommy over the past three months, and knowing how hard it was going to be not to betray everything he was feeling in the first second he saw the other boy again. What really scared him, though, was that sometimes he'd catch himself wondering why it would be such a bad thing for Tommy to know everything he was feeling. He could just tell him how much he missed him, how much he thought about him and that he was ready – way beyond ready, really – for a solid commitment.

He'd already made a commitment when he stopped seeing other people, hadn't he? So that last step wasn't such a big deal, and he knew that Tommy wanted to take it. In every e-mail and every phone call Tommy made it clear that he was just waiting for a signal from Merton that he could stop holding back what he was feeling. They talked or e-mailed practically every day, but they didn't really talk about what was happening between them. They talked about school, about Merton's family and how it felt to be honest about who they were. They talked about the future, complained about homework and the long hours they put in at the library. Tommy had brought up the idea of transferring to a different college once, but that was the closest they'd gotten to any kind of discussion about their relationship.

Merton kept telling himself that they were waiting for spring break, that it would be easier to talk about this stuff in person and they'd see how they felt when they saw each other again. The truth was that he was just afraid to talk about it, because somehow making it official meant that this was their last shot at getting it right. There were a million reasons why it couldn't work, and the only reason he could come up with in favor of them officially getting back together was that they loved each other. He couldn't say any of that to Lori, there was no way she'd understand.

"I'm not nervous," he finally said. "I'm just not sure what clothes to bring with me."

"Bring the maroon shirt, that looks good on you." She stood up and crossed the room to stand next to him, leaning over the piles of clothes and rearranging them. "A couple pairs of jeans, a pair of dress pants in case your parents make you go out for a 'nice dinner', some tee shirts and a few dress shirts. There you go."

When she finished talking she handed him the small pile, grinning at his dazed expression. "You can pack your own underwear."

"Thanks," Merton muttered, taking the pile of clothes and tucking them into his bag. When he was done he straightened up and turned to look at her again, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's just…things are kind of up in the air right now. It's hard to explain."

"It's okay, Merton. I understand," she said. She leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on his cheek before she turned toward the door. "Anyway, I just came by to say have a good time. I'll see you when you get back."

"You came all the way over here to say goodbye to me?" Merton asked, his forehead furrowing at the thought of Lori taking the bus all the way from Wellesley just to help him pack.

She paused with her hand on the doorknob, a mischievous grin lighting up her features. "Actually I was running an errand for a friend, but I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by. Say hi to Tommy for me."

Before he could answer she was gone, leaving him with the distinct impression that she was up to something he should know about. There was nothing he could do about it, though, and he had enough to worry about already. He shrugged and turned back to his last-minute packing, willing himself not to worry about what was going to happen when he got off the plane.

~

Merton thought that his layover at Christmas was bad, but it was nothing compared to killing two hours alone in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport. Not knowing that Tommy was going to be there when he got home had almost been better than knowing that he was waiting for Merton to show up. Well, not waiting exactly, because Tommy's spring break didn't start for two weeks so he'd be in class when Merton got home. Which just meant more waiting before he came face to face with Tommy again, and he wasn't sure he was going to survive the wait.

He took a deep breath to steady his nerves as he finally walked into the airport, searching the crowd around the gate for any sign of his father. He knew there was a chance he'd have to wait awhile before either of his parents could get away from campus to pick him up, so when he didn't seen anyone he recognized he told himself he wasn't disappointed. It just meant a little more waiting, they wouldn't leave him there for any longer than they had to.

He dropped his bag on a vacant chair and started to settle in to wait when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up expecting to find his father smiling at him. When he found himself looking into familiar green eyes his heart skipped a beat, and he barely had time to register his surprise before he felt himself being hauled forward. If he'd thought about it he would have felt self-conscious about being crushed against Tommy's chest in the middle of a crowded airport, but he was too busy thinking about how much he'd missed this feeling. Words like 'strong' and 'warm' and 'perfect' floated through his mind, and he turned his face into Tommy's neck and breathed in the warm, clean scent of soap.

"Wow, I missed you," Tommy whispered, his voice buzzing in Merton's ear and making his toes curl. He squeezed a little harder for a brief, lung-crushing moment before pulling away to look at the other boy.

"What are you doing here?" Merton asked, his eyes wide as it finally sank in that Tommy was standing in front of him. "I mean not that I'm not happy to see you, but aren't you supposed to be in class?"

"Yeah, but my professor said it was okay if I bailed," Tommy answered, reaching around Merton to pick up his bag. "She understood that I had something more important to do today."

"You mean you told one of your professors…? Oh," Merton said, flushing as he realized who Tommy was talking about. At first he'd thought it was strange that Tommy was taking History of Politics with his mother, but most of her other borders had been students from her classes so it made sense in a weird way. "That's kind of strange, you know."

Tommy grinned and put his arm around Merton's shoulders, steering him toward the exit. "Yeah, but it's kind of cool too. Do you have any more luggage?"

"No," Merton answered, casting a quick glance around as he remembered where they were. It wasn't as though Tommy had kissed him in public or anything, but he couldn't help feeling a little self-conscious anyway. It was possible no one would think anything of Tommy draping an arm around Merton's shoulders, and if they were in Amherst he wouldn't think twice about it. Pleasantville was a lot different than Amherst, though, and he found himself looking around for any sign that people were staring.

He tensed when Tommy's arm slipped from his shoulder, glancing over at the other boy to find Tommy studying his profile. They'd reached the entrance to the parking garage, and as soon as he looked up Tommy grabbed his arm and hauled him out of the airport. Before he had time to react he found himself pressed up against the concrete wall, partially hidden from passersby as Tommy dropped his bag on the ground and planted his hands on either side of Merton's face.

"Tommy, what are you…?"

That was as far as he got, but he already knew the answer to the question anyway. Part of him knew this was a bad idea, that they should at least wait until they were in the relative safety of the car before they did anything that could get them in trouble. Tommy felt so good pressed up against him, though, and he had a determined look on his face that let Merton know that arguing would be pointless. Then Tommy leaned forward, his mouth covering Merton's for the first time since they said goodbye three months ago. There was nothing gentle or tentative about the kiss this time, it was almost like Tommy was proving a point.

His hands landed on Tommy's chest of their own accord, closing around his jacket to tug the other boy impossibly closer. One of them groaned low in their throat, the sound muted by the kiss. When Tommy finally pulled away again they were both breathing heavily, but he didn't straighten up and move away to a safe distance the way Merton expected him to.

"I was gonna wait until later to do this," Tommy said, his serious expression letting Merton know they weren't just talking about a simple kiss. "But the way you acted in there just because I put my arm around you…it won't work if you're worried all the time about who's gonna see us. It'll be just like it was in high school."

"It's not that," Merton answered, his heart in his throat as he wondered if he'd screwed things up before they even made it out of the airport. "It's not you and it's not that I'm worried about people knowing we're together. It's this place, Tommy. You still have to live here, and I don't want to make it harder for you than it has to be. People here…"

"People here suck. Yeah, I know," Tommy interrupted, matching Merton's sheepish grin with one of his own. "But not all of them, Merton. And I don't give a damn about the ones that do. So if they want to stare or say whatever they need to say I don't care. The one thing I learned from you is that I shouldn't lie about who I am, no matter how scared I am."

For a long time Merton didn't say anything, he just stared back at Tommy as he tried to absorb what the other boy had just said. He'd never thought of himself as making some kind of stand in high school, and even though he knew that was how Tommy saw him it had never registered until that moment. Worrying about what the people around him thought was something Merton had always wanted to believe he was above, but he'd never really gotten past the stares and whispers he'd put up with in high school.

"You give me way too much credit, you know," he finally said, looking down at his hands on Tommy's chest so he wouldn't have to feel the weight of the other boy's gaze.

"You don't give yourself enough," Tommy answered. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Merton's again, then across his cheek and finally the soft skin just below his ear. "Actually that's not the only thing I learned from you," he whispered in Merton's ear.

A shiver rolled through Merton's body at the sound of Tommy's voice whispering directly into his ear, visions of all the things he and Tommy had learned together making it hard to focus on the conversation. "Tommy," Merton whispered, his voice low as Tommy pulled back to look at him. "I'm sorry about that…back there. You're right, I wouldn't have thought twice about it if we were in Amherst. I guess I haven't gotten over this place as much as I pretend I have."

"It's okay," Tommy said, his fingers tracing the line of Merton's jaw as he spoke. "But if we're gonna do this…I mean are we? What are we doing here, Merton?"

It was the question he'd been dreading, because until that moment Merton wasn't sure how he was going to answer. He knew he still wanted Tommy – loved him, even, maybe more now than he had in high school when they were still getting to know each other. Suddenly the thought of saying the words they both already knew out loud didn't seem like such a big deal, and he couldn't remember anymore why he'd been putting it off. "I'm kissing my boyfriend again," Merton answered, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Tommy's again. When he pulled back he matched Tommy's grin with one of his own. "Then I'm going home. I don't know what you're doing."

"Sounds good to me," Tommy answered, straightening up and leaning over to pick up Merton's bag. He put his arm around Merton's shoulders again and turned in the direction of his parking space, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth when Merton's arm slid around his waist.

They didn't say anything else until they reached the car, and Merton leaned against the side of the hearse and waited while Tommy dug the keys out of his pocket. "I can't believe you're driving my car," he said.

"I study in your room sometimes too," Tommy said, his grin shifting into a smirk as he glanced over at Merton again. "I like it in there, it's kind of relaxing. Half the time I fall asleep on your bed, but your parents don't seem to mind. At least not when you're not in there with me."

Merton laughed at the memory of the embarrassing conversation with his parents after Tommy's first night in his bed. "I know you like living with my parents and all, but have you ever thought about transferring to a new school? There are a lot of colleges in Massachusetts, you know."

Tommy opened the driver's side door and slid onto the bench seat, leaning over to unlock Merton's door before he answered. "I talked to Lori yesterday," he said when Merton settled into the seat next to him. "I asked her to pick me up a transfer application for the University of Massachusetts. The deadline for Fall is soon so it doesn't give me a lot of time, but I wanted to talk to you first."

"Are you serious?" Merton asked, although as soon as Tommy said it he remembered Lori mentioning she was in Amherst to do a favor for a friend. He stopped short of rolling his eyes at the knowledge that once again Lori knew what was going on in his life before he did. "Did you really think I'd say no?"

"No, I mean…well, I wasn't sure. I mean I thought maybe you were rethinking the whole dating thing."

"God, Tommy," Merton murmured, reaching out without thinking and closing his hand around the other boy's. He was right, Merton had been questioning their relationship since the first time Tommy kissed him over a year ago. He'd never given Tommy much reason to think things would work out between them, but he wasn't going to make that mistake again if he could help it. "No. No, I wasn't rethinking anything. I love you."

"Good." Tommy smiled and squeezed Merton's hand before pulling away and reaching for the ignition, backing the car out of the parking space and turning toward the entrance to the garage before he continued. "So I was thinking, I don't think I can afford the dorm if I move to Massachusetts. I mean dorms are expensive, and even with financial aid and a job it's going to be tough. So I was thinking about getting an apartment, but I'd need a roommate…"

"Yes," Merton interrupted, not even caring anymore how eager he sounded. Tommy grinned but didn't say anything else, so Merton smiled and leaned back to take in the view on the way back to Pleasantville. His gaze never strayed from Tommy's profile until they pulled into the driveway.


End file.
